Weak Feelings

[Guest ignota]

I'm going to phrase this simply at first: do some people naturally feel things less strongly?

I feel that thinking about myself inside as female 'fits' a lot better. It grates when people refer to my masculinity, and I have always found my body disgusting and ugly (I always thought everyone else did too!). I know that transition would make me a lot happier with my body and interacting with other people. My problem is, I don't seem to feel as strongly as other transpeople.

The thing is, I've never felt strong emotions, about anything, at all (except times of denial after I started trying to figure myself out a couple of months ago). Sure, I've pretended to, but everything feels muted in comparison to what other people seem to experience. If I compare my own feelings about being a woman with my own feelings about the other things I like to do, being TG or TS trumps everything. In comparison, it's massive.

But then I compare my own feelings on being TS to someone else's, and it's as if what I feel is a fairly weak feeling. Sometimes I feel it strongly, but still nothing in comparison to others. I know there's always variation in degrees of feeling, but here the discrepancy just seems huge, and makes me wonder whether I really am TS, or whether I should transition.

Like, I know I'd be happier after transition, but I wonder whether I could live with this, and just be a woman inside. When the feelings are strong I can't stand the male parts of me, but for the most part I can just ignore it. Right now, I'm just dressed like a guy (except tucking, which always makes me happier), and I feel fine, as long as I don't look. I know certainly I couldn't try and force myself to be male - I went through a denial phase when I made myself believe I was just a really crazy man, and I always got incredibly depressed about it, and felt like I could never understand anything, and just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up to the world. Knowing I'm female inside makes me a lot happier, and things start to make sense. But is that reason enough to transition? I'd love to have stronger feelings about things, but perhaps it's just the way I am.

So my question is, am I just slightly weird and see everything in grey? Or is it normal to sometimes exaggerate a bit? Perhaps I'm a machine trapped in a man's body...

[Guest MonikaC]

Don't EVER compare your feelings to someone eases. You can go crazy doing that. Everyone feels different. Before I started on HRT, it was as if my feelings were on mute. Now, they are so loud and everpresent.

Only you can decide if and how much you need to transition. If you don't need to, then dont. I've had a fairly easy time compared to what many go through, but it is still by far the hardest thing I have ever done. But if it is something you need to do, embrace it, as I have never been happier.

[Guest]

Hi Ignota,

You know, only a GT can tell for sure...

But, you're so not alone with this. Your descriptions of your feelings and attitude toward your body match mine very closely - I still don't know if I'm androgyne or if I'm MTF. About the only thing I've done is to not pressure myself about it - just going with the flow, relatively certain that the answers will appear over time.

A word of caution - don't do too much comparison between yourself and others - we're all different, What's true for one person may not be the same for another - we're all here because we belong to the TG spectrum somewhere - but we're all unique! And, as you do get to therapy, perhaps you'll find those feelings are more apparent and you won't be wondering as much...

All the best to you,

Love, Kat

[JenniferB]

I echo what the others said Ignota. Everyone is different and there isn't a set pattern on who you should act. When my younger sister found out I was transitioning she said she actually cried. She told me she rarely cried. Then she emphasized "rarely". What I learned from this is that just because you feel like a female inside doesn't necessarily mean you have to be very emotional. YMMV.

Jenny

[Guest Aries]

Your post reminds me of many years of my life. The change happened recently (and suddenly). I still am not sure what finalized my decision for me or made become urgent. I think it was a combination of realizations that all blended together to make some things true for me... I am a girl (on the inside), and living like I am is bad for me (I can feel it). I am pushing down my truest self for the ease of fitting in. I am denying the part of me that can really live and appreciate life. If I look back on my death bed years from now, and see that I could have started my journey (transition) and I chose not to, I realized I would be furious with myself and sad beyond words, and betrayed (by myself). I am so mad already that I didn't do this when I was 21.

I have decided to seek a GT and I urge you to do the same!

i liked your post I hope to hear more

[Guest Jean Davis]

Hi honey

You are not alone with these feelings, I also feel as though I could simply exist as my birth gender. I went through most of my life feeling embarrassed and hating my body, especially with those times when I couldn't hide behind my clothing like in my high school gym class when we were forced to shower or the awkward intimate mouments with another person. But on day to day events I simply didn't feel that passionate about my feelings. The first time my feelings really started to bother me was when I dressed for halloween and went out. That was the first time that I actually felt alive and not as though I was just existing. I started to realize what I have been missing out on in life the more I continued dressing for halloween and eventually other times. I continued like that for a long time dressing at home and on halloween till I lost my full time job. When that happened I had a tough time with my feelings, I realized that I was using my job and other hobbies as distractions to confront my feelings. This is why I often times tell those that can not progress with transitioning or hit a bump in the road to get a hobby or to work at something, it does help to get people by till they can get help or continue with transition.

Now I have a question for you, do you feel as though you could simply exist as you are now? I mean it is possible for most of us to simply exist, the mind will find ways to cope with our feelings for most part. But will you be content, I could go back to working a huge amount of hours and spend any extra time on hobbies to confront my feelings but I now realize that I would just be simply existing and wouldn't be happy. The more I realize about myself the stronger the feelings get, where you are now is where I was a couple years ago. So no you are not weird and not alone, I also felt like a machine just performing the tasks of life, now that I have seen and felt what I have been missing out of with life it is hard to ignore my feelings. Just take your time, you will find the answers you seek but perhaps you could do a little preparation for the future. Then when you do find your answers you can do what you feel you need to do.

Until then stick with us, we'll help each other down this road of life.

Hope this helps.

LUV

Jean

[Guest Tara Ann]

Ignota I've been having the same thoughts all my life, but especially this weekend. Why do other transgirls sit on the toilet while I happily stand? Why do they hate their male genitalia while I'm more or less indifferent? Why does the thought of living as a man only make me feel like dying sometimes? Why do they NEED to cross dress while I don't?

The best answer I've come up with is we all react differently to illness. If someone is told she has cancer there's no right or wrong way to feel, no right or wrong way to react. So I'm not going to worry about it any more. I know I'm a woman, I know I long to live as one. I think that's enough.

[Guest ignota]

Thank you all so much for helping and sharing. You're all so right - I'm worrying too much. Just, when I'm up, it seems like everything's fine, how could I be worrying about all this stuff? I made this topic in a stupid moment like that. Jean - I could live with myself when I'm up, but the downs go low and I realise I have to sort out my head before I can think about this stuff. It's maddening when I'm up - I know something's wrong but I can't remember what it is, yet it seems to stop me doing anything else properly at the same time. Ha - then I go down and can't do anything at all!

I'm on the waiting list for seeing a psychiatrist who can refer me on to a GT at the moment. Thank you again - it means a lot.

[Guest Tara Ann]

I understand your highs & lows only too well - I'm going through them myself so you're not alone.

Chin up, we'll get through it I'm sure.

[Guest ignota]

Thanks Tara