A Little Pet Pieve

[Guest MonikaC]

Before I vent, I just wanted to put up a disclaimer: I see nothing wrong with crossdressers, drag queens/kings, autogenophiles (sp), it any other segment of our community.

That being said, I very strongly identify as transsexual and do not consider it crossdressing when I wear girl clothes. If anything it feels more like I'm crossdressing when I wear guy clothes. I have been talking with a lot of people lately about my being trans, and throughout the conversation they keep referring to my "cross dressing", or being a "drag queen". I feel bad for getting so upset. Most of the time they use those terms when they are trying to be supportive. For instance one person that I came out to said "Its cool. My friend is a drag queen too".

Ugh... I try to gently inform them that while they can be similar, and are somewhat related, they are still distinctly different.

That reminds me, I need to perfect a "2 minute talk" about my being trans. Something that I can use to briefly let those people I interact with regularly but not frequently enough to warrant a full talk know (such as our repeat customers). Should be interesting.

[Carolyn Marie]

I totally get your frustration, Monika. There is an awful lot of misinformation and confusion among the general public, even now. The best you can do is be patient with folks, and try to explain the difference. For me, as long as they aren't being derisive, I don't mind spending a few extra minutes educating them. When I come out at work, the trainer is going to spend a few minutes going over those distinctions.

The other big misconception is that we are doing this only, or mostly, to marry and have sex with the opposite gender (not in that order, naturally ). With me, it usually is the very first question I'm asked.

*Sigh* All we can do is keep trying.

Carolyn Marie

[~Nova~]

I deflect. "So, it's a nice day out."

I never let people like that get the best of me, never. Will it bother me later, yes, but right then, no way

Nova

[Guest LittleKaitlyn]

I get your frustration, I've had the same thing said to me and people saying "So you want to be a girl?" and my female friend, "Why would you want to be a girl?" they just don't understand that I AM a girl and I'm not crossdressing.

The best was I found to correct people or explain to them is, "You know how you have your physical gender? Well your mind has one too and sometimes it get mixed up. I'm a girl in my head so it's not cross dressing to me"

Kaitlyn x

[Guest KimberlyF]

Monika,

All you can do is laugh a bit inside and keep trying to plug away. I came out to a bunch of people on a message board, posted page after page about my life, my self-realizations etc...

And this is a post I woke up to from a guy. I think all the words I typed out confused him a bit or there were too many.

Kim is it your goal to become a women in every way ?just the most superficial

or become mostly a women ? 3/4 woman, 1/4 toy poodle

And when you go out as a transvestite do you want people to see you as a women or as a transvestite ? Mostly depends on how sequiny I am

and lastly do you think people know that your in the middle of changing or do you look 100% women ?I know I'm a factor of pi, but I don't know the multiplier.

Kim

[Carolyn Marie]

Kim is it your goal to become a women in every way ?just the most superficial

or become mostly a women ? 3/4 woman, 1/4 toy poodle

Careful, Kim, people are likely to believe you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest KimberlyF]

Careful, Kim, people are likely to believe you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Well those replies are just what I wanted to say. Instead, I took a deep breath and once again went over some basic definitions. What am I as a TS woman etc.

My advice for anyone who reads this is patience. This guy wasnt trying to be a jerk, he just didn't get it. It takes a lot of us decades to fully get it about ourselves and some of us lived with it every day of our lives and still couldn't process what we were feeling. I know it gets frustrating but we can't let the people who try be treated with the same anger as the people who don't.

Kim

[Drea]

I had a pet peeve once but I didn't know what to feed it.

The fact is that most don't see a distinction between the different shades of trans.

The question I have is, what is offensive about it? What is the preceived insult? Is being CD, Transvestite, Drag Queen something shameful or pervy to you? Does being "transsexual" make you more valid?

I bring it up as I have seen too many feel shame about being CD or "only a CD" and that bothers me as that often is caused by other trans folks acting like they are somehow better.

In most of these cases you describe I imagine they only known you only as a guy till now so even if they were to say "ah your a woman" and subsequently treated you that way, there is no way in their mind they are seeing you any different. They are at the very beginning of the acceptance process at best and its going to seem pretty weird to them. It's best to give them credit for trying.

Eventually when your transitioned and not telling people then most of this all becomes irrelevent. But maybe again you wish to live as openly "transsexual" and that is okay too and by that point you'll be strong enough in your identity that this sort of confusion wouldn't bother you.

[Guest Emily Ray]

Drea,

I think you raise a very valid point. I know for myself I feared talking in public about my journey through the crossdressing phase. Much of this was my hanging onto the perceptions of the culture about crossdressers. I held on to these perceptions long into my transition. I have since let them go, but my acceptance that I was a transsexual didn't automatically make me accepting of all the various shades of purple under the term Transgender. No that took additional work on my part to gain a deeper understanding of them as people.

Huggs

Emily

[Guest NatashaJade]

The question I have is, what is offensive about it? What is the preceived insult? Is being CD, Transvestite, Drag Queen something shameful or pervy to you? Does being "transsexual" make you more valid?

I bring it up as I have seen too many feel shame about being CD or "only a CD" and that bothers me as that often is caused by other trans folks acting like they are somehow better.

Drea, there is nothing wrong with being CD. But that does not make it the same as being TS. The fact is, however, that when someone calls me a CD or a TV or a drag queen, they are misgendering me. That is the insult. I am not insulted by being called a CD because I think I am somehow better than a CD, but rather I am insulted because they are calling me a man wearing women's clothes and I am a woman wearing gender appropriate clothing.

It's not about being more valid. It's about simply being valid.

xoxo

Tasha

[Drea]

Drea, there is nothing wrong with being CD. But that does not make it the same as being TS.

I don't think i said they are the same, what I mean't was that the general population doesn't see the distinction that us in the community would see.

...I am insulted because they are calling me a man wearing women's clothes and I am a woman wearing gender appropriate clothing.

As per my statement above, the general population really doesn't see the difference and will tend to think of transsexual as a man in womens clothes as well, or as a man who has had(or is having) a sex change to be a woman. This doesn't mean they will use the wrong pronouns. Most will be polite.

I don't see myself as transsexual, but anyone knowing of my history, that's aware of such things would probably call me transsexual. Should I take offense at that? Cause it is certainly "misgendering" me. And people who aren't reall aware of the community distinctions would just as likely think of me as transgender, drag queen or crossdresser. I just don't see it worth getting upset about.

Then again I don't go telling people.

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Monika:

First, CONRATS on becoming a moderator, hon! Dang, I must live in a log or something. Only now did I notice it. Girl, you deserve it and will be an awesome mod who has an august peerage indeed here at The Playground.

Second, I feel EXACTLY the way you do about this issue. Always have. Also, just like you, I'm on board with our friends in the LBGT Community who DO consider themselves cross-dressers of whatever variety. Cool beans. I'm hip. Do your thing. Rock on.

Third, the general public will surely misunderstand the difference; however, we really cannot blame them. Our whole experience is quite beyond them, and it's not really their fault. It is up to US to teach, explain and moderate.

People like YOU, Emily (San Diego) and all the other moderators here at The Playground would be ideal people to give talks, seminars, etcetera, to the general public. All of you are decent, intelligent, good people ... solid-citizen types ... who, I believe, the public could and would relate to.

People like the unique Kate Bornstein (My favorite MTF transsexual who is known as The Gender Outlaw) and me are way too far out for most people. People like us (Kate and I) would not be the best people to talk to the general public. Kate Bornstein does anyway. She's such a trip. To me, she's The Rolling Stones of transsexuality, and I'm in the front row cheering for her, jumping up on stage and being a darned fool right along with her and loving it.

You, girl, are a GREAT example of people like us to the general public. They can RESPECT you. They can eventually RELATE to you. Look at the example you're setting with your work at the store. Others like you are making a splendid case for people like us to the general public.

Keep the faith, hon. Let your light shine just like many other fine people on here do. You will win the public over by your good example.

Lacey Lynne

[Guest MonikaC]

First off, Lacey, you are far to kind to me, and I love you for it!

Second, Drea you do raise a very valid point. We are all equal on the gender spectrum, and I in no way think I'm better than anyone else. Not CDs, TVs, AGs, TGs, GQs, those cisgendered, or other TSs. I'm sorry if I offended anyone with this post. My frustration lies mainly with how misunderstood all this is. I have spent a long time composing my coming out speech, and in it I make a clear distinction between what it means to be TS, and other parts of the gender spectrum. Because while there are some similarities, calling me a man who wears women's clothing is insulting to me because I am not a man.

While they mean no harm, it hurts because even those that think they understand have the very basic concept that I am a woman who lacks the correct parts wrong. If they have the core concept wrong they don't really understand what I'm trying to tell them. When it gets thrown in my face how misunderstood we all are, I get an overwhelming sense of loneliness. And that is why it bothers me so much.

Is that a better explanation?

[Guest DawnK]

I am always leary of people who start something with a phrase similar to "I see nothing wrong with..." Like Drea, I wondered what was your motivation for having to state that. Are you also upset in the same way when someone refers to you as Mr.? If not, why not if you're bothered by the misuse of titles?

You say you've been talking to people and trying to gently inform them, but you also say 'that while they can be similar, and are somewhat related, they are still distinctly different.' To me, that's like saying all cats are basically the same, but differ in colors of fur. Maybe it's time to become a little firmer in the explanation and less tolerant of the misuse of terms.

Each group has a specific definition of what they are all about and that's what you need to focus on. As a CrossDresser, I don't advertise my dressing so my existance isn't something others I work with are having to learn to deal with. In your case, others are or will soon have to learn about you and in most cases, it really is something that most have to learn to deal with. Based on talks around my office, I already know that others are intolerant of Transgendered people. I dare say that if they knew about my CD'ing, they'd have never let me know how they really feel. Even my family has trouble dealing with TG's and we have one in the family.

And yes, I've tried to educate these people too, but most see me as a bleeding heart who'll take up anyone cause. Some people will never change no matter how much you try to educate them, so if you find you're beating a dead horse, leave it for the wolves and move on. There's no use getting upset over it. But if it really bothers you, try to make sure that they understand your feelings. They'll never learn if you allow them to keep comparing you to other groups and never understand how it's making you feel. I don't think that most people genuinely mean to hurt us (at least not to our faces).

I wish you all the best in your coming out. Take Care, dk

[Guest KimberlyF]

Monika,

This is a quote from She's Not There that has helped me a lot and I have sent this to many people I've come out to. This quote, if you agree, is almost a like contract between the two sides:

Having an opinion about transsexuality is about as useful as having an opinion on blindness. You can think whatever you like about it but in the end, your friend is still blind and surely deserves to see. Wheather one thinks transsexuals are heroes or lunatics will not help to bring these people solace. All we can do in the face of this enormous, infinite anguish is to have compassion.

It is not so important the words they use to me, or the understanding or If they buy my story 100%.. What matters is they care and they don't want to see me suffer and they are trying to show compassion. Not everyone is going to be very good at this or understand, but they are trying. Imagine a planet were everyone were like them- there wouldn't be a Day of Rememberance, but a Day of Mild Annoyance.

I agree with Tasha's great post in that I'm being misgendered, and there is a sting. But I would take a friend who cares and just can't wrap their brain around it to someone who hates me for well, just because and wants to beat me or worse. So until there are a whole lot less of the later, I think We need to cut these people a whole lot of slack. Just where I'm at in life.

Kim

[Guest DésiréeG]

You say you've been talking to people and trying to gently inform them, but you also say 'that while they can be similar, and are somewhat related, they are still distinctly different.' To me, that's like saying all cats are basically the same, but differ in colors of fur. Maybe it's time to become a little firmer in the explanation and less tolerant of the misuse of terms.

I see it as: TSes are like cats and CDs are like dogs. Sure they have some similarities, and can be pets, but you would never refer to all cats and dogs together as just "dogs." Calling a transsexual person a cross dresser is like calling a cat a dog simply because both have fur, four legs and can be pets and then wondering why the cat is annoyed. Pointing out the difference doesn't mean that one is better, just that there is a difference.

[Guest Kaitlyn88]

I understand Monika.

There's a difference between being insulted for being called a cross dresser when they are meaning that you are a man wearing women's clothes. I would be extremely insulted and hurt if someone called me one while wearing women's clothes. Calling any woman a cross dresser while wearing women's clothes would be insulting. It's even worse after everything we have to go through to get where we are to have people still refer to you as if you were a man.

If someone called me a cross dresser while wearing men's clothes, I wouldn't have a problem with that, because they are calling me a woman, and stating the fact that I'm wearing opposite gender clothes. I'm sure you feel the same way, it's nothing against cross dressers, it's against people denying who you are and the struggle you have been through. They can't begin to understand you if they think of you as something that you are not. Luckily I've never had anyone say that to me though, in the past people would just ask why I wanted to be a girl...because I am one.

[Guest Doodlen]

I understand what you mean.

When I try to explain to people, a LOT of the time their answer is just "Oh, I get it, you're a tomboy!" It's just frustrating. And I know it's not always their fault, they just don't understand. But sometimes I just get so frustrated and I just wanna yell "If I was a tomboy I woulda just said that and not spent the last ten minutes explaining what transgendered was!!" and then hit my head against the nearest wall.

Eventually though, people will finally understand. (that's what I keep telling myself...) And I like Kim's witty comebacks, adding humour and sarcastic remarks always makes me feel better, even if I don't say it out loud

[Guest Megan_Lynn]

I still remember the first 27 awful years of my life. I had really thought I was some sick crazy twisted freak, that was until I was first able to access the Internet and find I was not alone and that I was not some sick twisted monster. Even though I had known since I was young enough to understand gender that I was truly female inside. I myself still did not understand what all the terms meant and would use the wrong ones. So yes while it can be upsetting at times its easy to understand how others can and do get confused. But as long as they ask even when its just messed up questions its still good and they are not immediately ostracizing you like many others can and do. If i had a nickel for the number of times i was asked why do you want to be a woman I could pay for srs and still have money left over. When asked this my response is always that its not that I want to be one but that I already am. To make people understand what its like I have honestly from my heart told them if I could wake up tomorrow morning and be either completely( mind and body) woman or man but not remember all the past pain of being transsexual I would take either or and not care as to me its just about making myself 100 percent complete. My whole life my mind was female while my body took the other route. Since I am unable to change my minds gender I am fixing the body to match the inside.This way of explaining has help me to get people to start to understand what we go through.