Mind-Boggling: Wanting To Be Male With My Best Friend

[Guest thedorian]

Hey there! My name's Tina and while it might sound a little crazy, I've sort of just figured everything out this week.

Now to expand on that a little.

I've always been called a tomboy. When I was in elementary school, all my friends were males, I never liked girly clothes and at the tender age of 8 I decided to cut my hair short, which meant that pre-puberty I was very often mistaken for a boy. Along with this, I've always just wondered about myself. If I was normal and various other things. I'm someone who really likes to know who I am, and not having real answers and feeling too shy to talk about it left me feeling a little lost at times. The feeling was not overwhelming however, but more fleeting.

But then a few days ago, through clicking around on the internet, I discovered what packers were. And the idea instantly appealed to me. I have a very very close friend that I immediately talked to about it. We juggled things back and forth and in the end she suggested I talk to my therapist about it (I've been seeing a therapist for the last year for depression), and I reacted really poorly. I told her to forget I had ever said anything. But our relationship is one that doesn't allow me to push her away for long, and after a while I was asking to talk about it again. She told me to sleep on it.

Which I rather unsuccessfully attempted. Then I got up, hopped on my computer and started googling things. That's about when I found this site. I started reading articles, found the forum and just got lost in threads in this section.

Suddenly everything made sense. It clicked. This was right. I'm androgenous.

I talked everything over again with my close friend and she was very happy. A lot of other things between us have been going on lately that, in all honesty, are a little confusing but that we're doing out best to work through. I told a second friend about how I felt and what I had discovered and she asked if I was going to tell my therapist. I immediately replied that I was, though I did have to write everything down just to make it a bit easier on myself. However, I had a wildly successful and rather liberating therapy session. I feel on top of the world.

Now that I've shared my story, I've got a question for anyone out there who might have an answer.

The close friend previously mentioned was originally met online through another forum. We've been friends for three years now and have the most open and amazing relationship. We tell each other everything and feel at ease doing it. I suppose the best way to describe it is soulmates. With her impending visit (she lives in Alberta, Canada and I'm in NY, she's also two years younger), a curiosity about each other that is more sexual in nature has arisen. We've decided to explore things a bit when she comes and try just a simple kiss.

The confusing bit though is that I've never been attracted to females. But I love my friend so completely that I want to be with her in every sense, even sexually. When I think about being with her in a sexual nature though, I see myself as more male, and that's how I want sexual relations with us to be.

Which brings us to my question... What does that make me?

[JJ]

I really enjoyed your post and have only one answer to your question:

Human

When you are very lucky you find a love where bodies and labels don't matter. The body just becomes an instrument of expression and works regardless of what tune you play. I hope that works out to be the case for you. If so, don't worry about labels because you will be one of the blessed ones and that transcends labels

[Guest Elizabeth K]

People fall for each other. Gender isn't applicable with transpeople - I mean in relationships. It doesn't matter what it makes you - just follow your instincts and see where it goes. Love the life you live, live the life you love.

My advice.

[Guest thedorian]

I think that... maybe I'm not worried so much as to what it makes me. More that my desire to be physically male with my friend is the most confusing aspect of this. If we were to be together in a more romantic way, I wouldn't few us as lesbians at all. That's not what I want, and I guess I just can't fully wrap my head around that bit because the feeling is so specific to her.

[Guest _Kris_]

So... You mean I'm not crazy and someone else has had this experience before?

Late post, just needed to express that.

[Guest Kendall]

i can't wait until you can find out what your feelings mean with your friend and possible soulmate. it sounds like a sweet experience so far.

best of luck

kendall