This Is All Happening Too Fast & I'm Afraid

[Guest SometimesErica]

For years I never would have said that I feel like a woman trapped in a man's body, but that has been changing so rapidly during the past week that I feel like a volcano that is about to erupt and that really scares me. Looking back over my life I see signs of femininity trying to push through, but I never really let them due to social norms and family relationships. For many years now, every few months the femininity juices would start to flow and I would want to do something to satisfy them. I have most often reacted by doing something with my hair. However, I would usually get so far and then purge and try to push the urges far back into myself. My periods of acting out have always been painful or shameful to my wife. Well, the latest urge came to the surface late last week and I have been allowing myself to actually explore my feelings and desires. I purchased some clothing and have been doing a lot of feminine things secretively. This has caused my desires and emotions to blossom so quickly that I don't know what to do. I suddenly have really strong desires to want to be a woman. I feel like the woman that has been trapped inside me is about to rip off the skin that has been hiding her. My mind and emotions want to run after this with all of my strength, but my heart knows that I would tear my family apart and I don't think that I really want to deal with the consequences of that.

Erica

[Guest JaniceW]

Erica,

Welcome.

First take a deep breath. The feelings your are dealing with have been building for years and they aren't going resolve in a few days. Try to calm down and relax a bit. Everything you have mentioned is resolvable.

Your best next step is probably to reach out to a gender therapist and work through your thoughts and desires to figure out exactly what you need to do or not do. All of the answers to all of your questions will come from you.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Erica.

You are not alone in having those feelings, hon. Most of us older transwomen and transmen have felt the same needs and desires, hidden them all of our lives, and prayed for the day when we found the wisdom and

courage to do something about it. I knew I wanted to be a girl at the age of 7 or 8, started cross dressing in my early teens, but didn't seek support and make a decision to transition until I was 55.

For those of us with families, its very hard, on us and on them. But it can be done, hon. I know. My wife of 21 years is staying with me, and my son of 18 has been remarkably supportive. Most aren't so lucky, but you will have to decide if the risk is worth the reward.

Only you can make that choice. We will help you with good information, friendship, support and advice.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest SometimesErica]

Thanks for the support Janice and Carolyn. I know that I need to seek out a therapist and I am not going to do anything too quickly, that is just the rush of emotions that I am currently dealing with. It has really caught me off guard. More later.

Erica

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

I'm afraid I don't have anything constructive to say coz I don't have much experience with all this myself yet but I wanted to say I kinda relate. I mean I'm very lucky that my partner is 100% supportive but my parents and rest of my family are so not gonna understand any of what I'm going through at all. I've just purchased my first binder (it hasn't even arrived yet) which is the first thing I've ever done to acknowledge how I feel about my body and gender and stuff and everything feels just so intense these last few days like everything I've spent my lifetime denying is there is suddenly too real.

I hope that your family come round to being more supportive than you seem to be expecting them to be. I think talking to people here is a good thing and I hope getting a gender therapist will help you to be able to explore and understand your feelings on it all better.