Despair

[Guest Jon aka Rachel]

Despair.

Is all I feel.

Pain so deep.

It feels like it will never heal.

I know who I am.

It should feel so good.

But I can’t seem to understand.

Why it hurts so bad.

Born a man.

Only to feel like a woman inside.

Only to be stuck in limbo.

Unable to be even a girl.

I feel a pain in my soul

A pain I have not felt in so long.

A black hole pulling me in.

To a dark oblivion.

No light.

No way out.

Falling steadily in to.

Fear.

Will I never be that woman.

Will I never look like her.

Will I never talk like her.

Will I ever even slightly pass as her.

Fear, apprehension, and despair.

Is becoming overpowering.

I feel like dyeing.

I feel like crying.

Please let this pain flow away.

I won’t die.

I won’t bleed.

Not for you.

Not for him.

I want to be her.

I will not harm her.

But I also want to destroy.

Him.

Polar opposites tearing my apart.

Agenizing pain.

Trying to escape.

No were to go.

Only to fall.

The end of it all.

She will never fall.

It feels like it will never heal.

Pain so deep.

Is all I feel.

By Rachel a trapped girl with no escape.

Apologies for the depressing stuff but it’s what I do when I am feeling very down sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn’t. It’s a off the wall style I have always used. Just wondering what you all think

[Guest Elizabeth K]

We struggle so much do we not? It seems sometimes like there is no way to EVER be ourselves.

But persevere. It can be done.

Lizzy

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

We struggle so much do we not? It seems sometimes like there is no way to EVER be ourselves.

But persevere. It can be done.

Lizzy

Lizzy is right.

You see, we all despair like you do. Heck, I thouht it would NEVER be possible to transition. I was wrong. IT IS! Just do it ... like the Nike slogan says.

When all seems bleak, come here and read. People like Lizzy and many others here who have lots of experience and are well along the transition path can and will help you with their wise words and kind hearts.

Good Luck to You! Believe!

Lacey Lynne

[Guest Jon aka Rachel]

Thanks for the words lady's I know it will work out some day I just need to work on finding something to keep me going.

Rachel

[Guest miss kindheart]

Dear Rachael,

<<< hug >>>>

It is a sad poem

I can feel your pain in it

one day you might find that it is better to just be yourself than it would be to be another

If you will just work on becoming the best person you can possibly be you will surly find that your life has been blessed in a way like none other

And how others per sieve you really does not matter

Just be good

vanna

[JJ]

Rachel, we do indeed all fight that battle. At first when i discovered that what I felt had a name and there were others like me. That I no longer needed to hold that secret and could understand my whole life for the first time-I thought it was enough.

For awhile it was. But the darkness came back. Now I knew who and what I was but there was just no way physically or socially or financially to transition. It was hopeless and impossible-too late for me. I had missed the boat with a life never quite right behind me instead of a life of experiences as my true self ahead of me.

One day something made me realize I had to transition. Could or couldn't just didn't matter. And I saw new possibilities. Found new strength and I am now on my way. I live full time even if not actually out to my community. I am now on T and seeing changes in a fairly short time. I have no female clothes except jeans that unisex looking. I live as I am comfortable.

Sure the down times come again but they will never again be as down or put my life in danger as they have before. Because I know I will do this. And no matter how far I get or how I look it is still much more than I ever thought I could have and more than I ever thought possible.

And that's enough for me. I hope you find that belief too and that it is enough for you too.

Hugs

John

[Guest Jon aka Rachel]

Vanna thank you I will defiantly try to live that way sometime soon.

John thank you as well I hope one day I do find that something that makes me feel that way.

Rachel