I Could Be Normal!

[Guest ignota]

Finally discovering what it's like to really have something to hide...

--- Sorry, this post was going to be a short one, but turned into a bit of an essay. Long post and much woolliness alert. If you get bored but want to be concerned, the last five paragraphs pretty much sum it up! ---

Like all my life, I just thought I was weird, had some mental illness. Something that explained why I was always tired, could not work out how to socialise or connect with people, why I didn't really feel emotions, why I never had any motivation. My mum always told me I was fine the way I was, there's nothing wrong with me, everyone feels like that (depressed sometimes, hopeless sometimes). I always felt there was something wrong, but when Mum tells you, it's hard to argue.

In the meantime, I was dreaming of being a girl. Of waking up one day and suddenly, I've always been a girl, and I just go and get on with it. I 'cross-dressed' - I've never had any female clothes or makeup, so I made do with my own old clothes, water balloons and a lot of imagination. It wasn't so much the clothes though, more visualising my body as female, sleeping like that, even going round with stuff down my pants to hold the thing down and make it feel flat down there. It often ended with... you know... and then such a rush of shame, and I purged. Not that I wanted to, sometimes that was the only way I could make myself take everything off.

I tried to quit, I knew it wasn't 'normal' (even though I somehow thought everyone wanted to be a girl, deep down). Terrified of discovery. But it's hard, I just kept coming back. Then I read an article on the BBC website (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6929670.stm, second-to-last paragraph) on how to stop smoking. The main suggestion was, rather than avoiding second-hand smoke like the plague and thinking about it constantly, to savour it when you do smell it, but not to actually do it (don't follow that! Read the article if you're curious). So that's what I did - I chose to see the feminine aspects of my body, to concentrate on those, and to imagine myself female. That kept me off it for about four years. Then it started to come back, on and off, in the summer last year, and finally at christmas I decided I had to get to the bottom of it.

Not the best time to try to sort yourself out, when you're already struggling to do a physics degree! But by then I was reading on the net, and becoming more sure by the day that I am in fact transsexual. I kept coming across articles that trans-people had written, and there was nearly always something in there, if not several, that I could identify with - not knowing how to act being the main one. Getting depressed, feeling ugly, social anxiety, disliking my 'part' and not liking being touched, too. I thought sexual touches were supposed to feel wrong and that was part of the excitement (I've never been in a sexual relationship though)! And nothing else seems to fit - not cross-dressing, as I don't generally mind so much about the clothes as my body.

So things started to make sense, but then I got scared. Suddenly, it was looking like a lifelong dream and lifelong problems could be coming from the same root. Then a few weeks ago, I realised that, now with the prospect of transition actually becoming real, rather than some childish dream, I was so scared of getting it wrong that I'd actually become less sure in trying to get to the bottom of it. Pre-christmas, I did what I wanted to, got a little depressed when I got reminded of being male (even something as trivial as my female friend shaking her head and muttering, “boys...”), and imagined being a girl. I was same as always apart from that creeping up on me. But now I realise that changing your body and gender role is actually possible, that people have done it, and suddenly everything comes with an agenda, and I get really confused because I can't tell what's real and what's not. But even then, just going on what happened before Christmas, it still feels right, like it fits.

And the final thing was when I actually managed to get some female clothes a few days ago (Marks and Spencer, order online and pick up in-store). I tried them on that night, and it felt good. I looked down and I liked, for once (never liked clothes shopping). If anything, I felt like the clothes were right and the body was wrong - all the hair sticking out, the shoulders too wide... No emotion or arousal or anything, it just felt good. They 'looked' gentle, and comfortable, and just nice. I've never liked new clothes before, I'm always terrified to wear them for the first time in case they're not what I'm supposed to wear or something.

But I feel so down now. There must be something else wrong with me, how could transitioning and living as a woman solve it? Feelings like that don't just disappear. It feels right, and if I try and deny it and tell myself it's untrue, and use male pronouns in my head, then I get really badly depressed. And I never really believe it's not true either! But there's got to be something else. Unless I'm just depressed because transition is real, but remote at the minute. But I know there's something else wrong - sure, it's possible to explain a bunch of stuff with being TS, but I have to believe it'll solve nothing, and work on trying everything else under the sun. Then I can be sure.

It sometimes feels hard to keep it in, though. I have to at least keep it in till I get home for Easter (next week). I nearly gave myself away to my best friend just now - I think she got a little freaked out when I told her something had been bothering me this term, but she's not the sort to worry. I want to tell her, because whenever we talk I feel like I can't engage - she tells me all the stuff that's happened to her, and I have nothing to give back, because it's all in my head...

I think my parents might be ok with it, but it's hard to know, and my mum always tells me there's nothing wrong with me. But I WANT something to be wrong with me, because that means I can find a solution! I'd love it to be transition, but it can't be that simple, because that's not how things work. Without something wrong with me, I'm just weird. And I'm fed up with that.

The thing is, the really odd thing, being transsexual almost makes me more normal, in a way. Like a 'more normal' (I know, there's no such thing as a normal person...) woman, just with the wrong body and wrong social role. Rather than having a set of things wrong with me, I'm just normal with a few problems to sort out... And transition is the perfect time to sort out all those bits I don't like! Whatever happens, something like that is going to happen, because I'm fed up of wasting my life like this (yeah, wasting away in university doing a degree, doing nothing about my future!). I want to sort myself out. I know it probably seems like I think it's a panacea, but I don't, I won't let myself - it's an opportunity.

Sorry for the long post. Just wanted to write something, opened a new topic and look what happens... Word vomit -.- I have a referral waiting for a gender specialist, so I'm ok if no-one has anything to say, I just needed to post something. Acting normal and happy does my head in!

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi ignota,

Well, other than really thinking through all this (sort of puts my limited thinking through things to shame a little), you're at least a very normal gender variant person. That is to say, your life so far matches so many of ours that I hope you don't feel too bad if my saying your feelings of normalness are actually pretty normal, too.

One of the goals of all us is to find a place for ourselves where we can deal with our issues. For some that means transitioning all the way, for others that means going to some place along the spectrum. And that place could as easily be just continuing cross-dressing and having a very active imagination to practically doing nothing to having surgery but no HRT or the opposite or anything in between.

That's what we all are trying to do, find that place where we can live and hopefully be reasonably happy with our inner and outer self and let that happiness radiate outward enough so that others can see it and accept it and accept us.

It's like our parents tell us to be happy and when we choose some 'different' lifestyle, the first thing they say is 'you won't be happy doing that.' The reality is they won't be happy doing that and as a child and a parent, I can understand it. So, like my little byline below my signature says, when we liberate ourselves from fear, we also liberate others to accept us.

So, it's good to see you working this out, and hopefully finding that place where you know you belong

Hugz

Chloë

[Guest ignota]

Well, other than really thinking through all this (sort of puts my limited thinking through things to shame a little), you're at least a very normal gender variant person. That is to say, your life so far matches so many of ours that I hope you don't feel too bad if my saying your feelings of normalness are actually pretty normal, too.

Thanks chloe, that's exactly what I needed to read

As for now, if I feel down I take another little step. I know I'd love to try hormones etc., but I'm just trying to keep going until I can get checked for something else. At the moment it seems too good a fit, sort of, and, while I accept it for the time being to stop myself getting depressed, I don't dare believe it's true.

Sorry again for the long post :\

[Guest ametur_poet]

I think I can empathize with your feeling; you say that you want something to be wrong with you, so that your discomfort can be explained, and even resolved. I believe that we are on the same page. I can definitely relate to the need to align with some label that is "abnormal" so that you can at least find some comfort in knowledge of your situation. You're certainly not alone.

[Guest]

Hi Ignota,

Thank you for your post! I always love reading the long posts - there's always so much to say - and not being very wordy my self gives me loads of appreciation for those who are!

Please try to let up on yourself a bit - remember, you're just finding your way. Experimenting with what is right for you is necessary - there is no right and wrong, only some things that will turn out better than others . Rather like the physics lab, you know? (minus the mushroom clouds, of course!)

Not much else to add - it's good that you're taking the step of Gender Therapy - It looks like you've the questions laid out and ready to work on!

Let us know how it goes, okay?

Love, Kat

[Guest ignota]

You're certainly not alone.

Yay, we can be confused together It's always nice to know there's someone else! (for once! )

and not being very wordy my self gives me loads of appreciation for those who are!

I thought I was like that! Perhaps this proves me wrong... Oh well

Please try to let up on yourself a bit - remember, you're just finding your way. Experimenting with what is right for you is necessary - there is no right and wrong, only some things that will turn out better than others . Rather like the physics lab, you know? (minus the mushroom clouds, of course!)

Not much else to add - it's good that you're taking the step of Gender Therapy - It looks like you've the questions laid out and ready to work on!

OK, I'll try. Experimenting is nice though not in labs... If only we could play with plutonium...

As for GT, I'll certainly let you know, but it's likely to be a while, as I'm going through the NHS. It's been three weeks and the clinic hasn't even replied yet!