Secret Feminization

[Guest SometimesErica]

If you are married and not yet disclosed that you are TS, have you begun doing things to feminize your body without being discovered by your wife? This could be anything from shaving some part of your body to HRT.

What did you do and how has it turned out?

Erica

[Guest]

Hi Erica,

I opened up to my wife as soon as I realized what was happening myself. But, she still thinks of me as a crossdresser, even as I've gone through electrolysis, ear piercing, and growing my hair out. I put off HRT for a long time, but finally made the decision a few months ago. We haven't discussed this - I believe that she understands, but it's something she'd rather not talk about.

For me, the lack of communication is painful, It's a path I'd rather not follow: I do hope that there will be a time when she's ready to talk openly again.

I understand that every family and every relationship is unique. What is true for my marraige may be absolutely wrong for you. But, I do hope that you're able to be yourself with your wife and children some day...

All the best to you,

Love, Kat

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I almost always had my toenails painted 10 -15 years, before I transitioned. I wore socks to bed - my only secret crossdressing that was overtly obvious.

I pierced my ears in 1984. No big thing, it turned out.

I usually shaved my legs in the winter and tried to have a little hair on them by spring so I could wear shorts. I eventually just kept them shaved all the time, saying it was cooler, and my wife thought I was just a bit eccentric, wives are pretty much okay with whatever, as long as you aren't competing - grin. For example - I could never use make-up although I really wanted to.

My wife actually bought me some ear studs one Christmas. But the young people were doing that and she thought I was trying to stay young.

And I kept my hair cut very short. That convinced her I was a man, I guess.

When I came out to her, she said I NEVER had crossdressed as far as she knew, nor shown signs of being 'effeminate.'

It wasn't ever going to be enough, of course, although at first when she was in denial about my transsexuality, she said for me to grow my hair out and keep it in a ponytail. She also let me wear girl clothes at home and androgynous at work, hoping that would be as far as it went. Of course I wanted to transition. When she found out I wanted SRS, that was more than she could handle.

I hope this helps.

Lizzy

[Guest Kristi Lyn]

I did shave my body at my Ex's suggestion, but she didn't know what was going on with me as far my research into the possibility I was transgendered or at least heading that way. She also did facials and had me wear her clothes during intimate times. But then again she didn't know how that was feedng my true self. In 2007, I revealed to her that I enjoyed wearing women's clothing. We stayed together for another year and she accepted the body shaving, nails with only clear polish, and even went as far as to have me try on a dress she had just bought that didn't fit her. Well, it infuriated her that it fit me nicely. In June of that year we seperated with divorce imminent. She used all of my gender issues against me to attempt to get an order of protection against me and to keep me away from kids but it was denied by the judge. So then she made everything public in my small community in which I still live and transition in today. After our divorce the following year I told her about my diagnosis of GID and my plans to transition. She was taken aback by the revelation and said she always knew something bothered me but she could not figure out what it was. In the end she is good with it now and encourages me to be the best woman I can be when all is said and done. As long I as I am not better looking than she is...Lol!!!

Being married and dealing with this issue is a minefield. Sometimes it goes well, sometimes bad, and sometimes it works out if it starts bad. Good luck to you.

Kristi

[Guest MissErika]

I'm married and my wife knows that I am going to transition at some point once I exit the Military. She is very of with it and very supportive of my decision. She is bisexual just so you know, so sexuality doesn't really become an issue for her. We only have a small worry that once I become a full woman she may not be attracted to me physically anymore, however she knows that she will still enjoy my personality.

I have been wearing her panties and dressing in her clothes for some time, however she thought that it was just sexual for the time being. I recently came out to her about 3-5 months ago, and she has been helping me with fashion tips, and with applying makeup as well.

We are worried about my children and their reactions, we have told my daughter and I dress as a woman, on nights and weekends, unless I leave the house. Unfortunately I can't afford going out in public here at home, because I can't risk losing my military career because someone from work saw me in girl mode.

All in all the only real worries that we both have is whether or not our families back home will accept my decision.

All you can really do is tell your spouse about what you are going through and hope for the best, not all women are the same, and some wont be able to deal with your choices.

Best of Luck

HUGS

Erika

[~Nova~]

When I told my SO I was really a girl she told me she knew it for years. I never thought I did anything girlie, but she told me I was more girl than guy for a very long time. I didn't even realize it.

I did cross dress, but never when she was around and she never saw me. She did find my clothes, twice. Oops.

She knows I'm transitioning and so far all is OK. She has actually told more of her family than I have told. 2 for her, none for me.

My advice is get it out now. Don't hide. What waste all the years hiding? I should have come out 10 years ago. I'd be full time by now and had my SRS. If it's gonna work out, it will, if it's not, why wait?

Good luck

Nova

[Sally]

Erica,

The SOs in general are dealing with feelings of having been deceived or betrayed by finding out that their spouses are TG - the longer that you keep it a secret the more they will feel betrayed.

If you begin to feminize yourself before you tell her you run the risk of her just figuring it out on her own and the betrayal is hard to deny - if you do feminize yourself and after a few months tell her - you have still carried on the deception and she will feel betrayed.

The only way to reduce those feelings is to tell her just as soon as you have realized that this is truly the case - then you can try to explain that you were still questioning yourself and did not want to worry her - it is the only way to have any credibility.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Not being combative here on purpose, BUT

It depends entirely on you wife. If she loves you for you, it's a good chance she will support you no matter what.

It's good to share with her from the beginning. HOWEVER, if you have crossdressed for many years in secret, that may not be possible.

Plus, her support early on my change as the reality sets in, and your body begins to feminize. And that is where the proof is for the relationship.

Lizzy