I'm Not Sure What I Am

[Guest ChrisLee]

Hi I'm atm a 20 year old, asian, female. I don't really know where to start, so please bare with me.

As a child I think I was constantly confused. I started out loving pants and a t-shirt as a young child, maybe 2 to 4 years old. Then somewhere along the line my mom made me start wearing shirts and dresses. I remember putting up a fight, but eventually learnt to love them. For a good majority of my live, I lived in a very sheltered life, my main company being, my mother and two elder sisters, while my father is very much a part of my life, he was never really there at the same time, being the typical Chinese father and leaving the raising of daughters to my mom. Growing up I wasn't allowed to have male friends, and this was further reinforced, by the fact I was picked on by a lot of boys and isolated due to my race when I was still schooling in Malaysia. In fact I never really had proper interactions with a guy until I was 18.

During the period I was growing up in this situation, I never really noticed it but I reached a turning point where I began to act tomboyish. I would come back home, no longer crying about being bullied, but usually sent home for fighting them. This was also the time I really got into Cosplaying (dressing up as characters from a movie, cartoon, anime, or even book), and looking back on it now most of the characters I wanted to play were all guys. About a year into this behaviour I was diagnosed with sever depression, having tried to kill myself. The psych I went to told my parents it was because of bullying, and they made the decision to send me to Australia to live with my sisters and aunt. Being away from my parents opened up a whole new world to me, I was able to explore areas I had always been to afraid to with them around, as my sisters and aunt were really supportive. One was my sexuality, I'm Bisexual, but I find i tend to lean towards women mostly cause I never knew how to interact with guys except being defensive and aggressive. I was sent to an all girls catholic boarding school. There I found myself fitting in even less then when I was in Malaysia. I actually felt alienated by the other girls for my tomboyish attitude. It was also there that I started binding my chest.

I am pretty well endowed in the chest area, and at the age of 17 was already a c- cup. I never had an issue with my body, not even now, so binding came out as more of an accident. I did it for the first time during a cosplay and ended up continuing to do so during PE lessons out of convince. The teachers found out and I was forced to stop in exchange that they didn't notify my parents. I don't know why but I felt like I had to hide it from them, somewhat ashamed like I had done something wrong. I have always had body issues, as do my sisters, mostly because in a chinese family its very typical to get criticism from family members from anything, in my case it was body image from my mother and father. Even today I go home and there will be a comment on how I'm over weight and need a diet. As a result I have always felt disconnected from my body, and never really had any love for it.

I have been aware of the options of being trasgender for a long time, but I never really connected it to myself until last year. I meet a FTM, who at the time had not come out as a FTM yet. We started going out for a few month till we broke up due to several issues. When he told me I was confused, mostly cause he has been the first man I have felt comfortable with, and we have remained close friends. From him I learnt about, inter-sex, or bigendered people. This opened a whole new world for me, and I started to bind again this year, and I enjoy it, more so then when I did it on highschool. And it has brought back with it the want to have more features such as, built arms and a six pack. I don't hate having breast nor do I want to surgically obtain a male chest, my binder is going a fine job for me. But I have a issue mostly with my metal state and actions. I have always hated the way girls handled things (speaking generally) such as going behind each others back and back stabbing, preferring the method of having a punch up and then forgetting the problem. I find myself acting the way I hate sometime, and it makes me feel dysphoria, I think. I just find myself hating being a girl.

I identify as bigendered at the moment, but I'm wondering, is it possible I might be a FTM? Even tough I don't really have physical dysphoria, and never really questioned it before?

[JJ]

Hi.

Welcome to Laura's! You've found a great place to be yourself and explore your feelings.

Your feelings are normal-there are many here who don't fit completely into one gender or another or aren't typical in how they feel about their bodies. Gender really isn't binary but a wide spectrum and you can fit anywhere along that spectrum. You don't have to chose a label or be either/or. it can also be very confusing and take awhile to figure out what you really feel. especially if you faced a lot of repression at home or in your culture.

We aren't therapists, and a gender therapist is always the best way to find your way through the confusing maze of gender identity, but we will be happy to share our opinions and experiences with you. Please feel free to post as much as you want in any forum whether asking questions, expressing opinions or sharing experiences. We are a PG-13 moderated site. You will have access to the PM system and profiles after 5 posts.

If you have not already done so, please read the 'Terms and Conditions' page, the link to it can be found near the upper right of most any Forum page

I enjoyed your introduction and look forward to your posts!

John

[Guest ChrisLee]

Hi.

Welcome to Laura's! You've found a great place to be yourself and explore your feelings.

Your feelings are normal-there are many here who don't fit completely into one gender or another or aren't typical in how they feel about their bodies. Gender really isn't binary but a wide spectrum and you can fit anywhere along that spectrum. You don't have to chose a label or be either/or. it can also be very confusing and take awhile to figure out what you really feel. especially if you faced a lot of repression at home or in your culture.

We aren't therapists, and a gender therapist is always the best way to find your way through the confusing maze of gender identity, but we will be happy to share our opinions and experiences with you. Please feel free to post as much as you want in any forum whether asking questions, expressing opinions or sharing experiences. We are a PG-13 moderated site. You will have access to the PM system and profiles after 5 posts.

If you have not already done so, please read the 'Terms and Conditions' page, the link to it can be found near the upper right of most any Forum page

I enjoyed your introduction and look forward to your posts!

John

Thank you for the welcome John. XD

I was wondering if you would strongly suggest seeing a gender therapist. Are there perhaps any other ways around that. I'm currently seeing a psychotherapist, and even with that its messing with me more then helping me.

[JJ]

That is the very reason we so strongly stress seeing a gender therapist. Unfortunately therapists, even analysts, who are not familiar with gender issues can and often do misdiagnosis us because GID symptoms mimic those of disorders.Those misdiagnosis can lead to enormous frustration and even harm as we are being treated for an illness we don't have.

Another problem is that many therapists and analysts still see being trans as a mental condition and unless they have a reason to keep up with the gender field are not aware that the AMA, the American Psychiatric Association and the National Health organization now officially recognize that this is not a mental disorder but the result of a birth condition.

If you have someone trying to cure you of a mental condition instead of helping you discover your true identity and what course you should pursue to live your life in a way that will be fulfilling to you, them it just isn't going to work.

A gender therapist is a whole different ballgame. They will help you decrease your pain and distress and actually understand what you are trying to say. Understand why you are feeling as you do and know ways that will actually help/ Most of us come to enjoy and value our relationships with our gender therapists.

[Guest ChrisLee]

I see, where you're getting at. Thank you, I think I'll give one ago and see where it takes me. XD