I Think I Used To Be Trans Gender...now I Have No Idea What I Am

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

I'm...very confused right now. I don't know what I am right now. I jokingly told my partner the other day that I give up on the whole gender thing ad I've decided to be a carrot instead of male or female...hence the screen name lol

I have been very uncomfortable in my body..well as long as I can remember I guess...but how I see myself has changed as I've got older. As a very young child I didn't see the difference between me and boys. I couldn't understand why I wasn't allowed to walk around in the summer without a t-shirt like my father and like other boys.

As I got older I learnt that I was meant to be a girl and that was different to being a boy because I was forced to wear dresses and skirts even though I hated them with all my heart. I was still a tomboy though. I climbed trees and came home bruised up from rough play...I played with cars not dolls in the school playground went in the sheriffs hut rather than the wendy house. I also had more boys as friends than girls until we got to an age where the boys started saying they didn't want to be my friend coz I was a girl...then I was heart broken.

I knew clearly that I wanted to be a boy and have a boys body with all that involved.

by the time I was in my teens I still didn't want to be female but I also no longer wanted to be male either. When I was 16 I came out as gay at school and was treated like a bit of a freak show. Then I told a counsellor I was seeing at the time that I thought I was gay and was told that I wasn't and every time I had a thought about being attracted to a female or anything like that I must just pray and change the thoughts to ones about males instead. I followed this advice and married the first man who showed any interest in me even though I had no feelings for him other than pity and he was extremely abusive. When I left him I again fell into a relationship with the first man who showed any interest and it was again a very bad decision. When I broke up with him I finally started questioning my sexuality again and after falling in love with a friend I finally came out as gay only 5 years ago. I take more of a 'male' role in the relationship in a lot of ways and we joke that I'm our kids dad rather than a second mum.

As far as body image, now I would give anything to get rid of my female chest and would love to be the sort of person that people look at and are not sure which gender to guess at but wouldn't want to change my anatomy below the waist. At the moment I am very female looking and I hate it. Sometimes I do like my long hair but other times I think I only don't get it all cut off coz I haven't got the guts. As far as my body goes though I always detest it's female appearance.

I finally started doing some research into gender identity online only a couple of weeks ago. I don't know what made me look it up. One of the things I looked up was methods of binding. Just 2 days ago I finally talked (ish lol) to my partner about things...well what I actually said was 'there's this kind of vest that I saw online that I want to get. It makes your chest flat. I think I might be gender queer'. Then yesterday I talked with my counsellor about things a bit and then talked more to my partner to actually clarify things a bit more. I'm so grateful that my partner is totally supportive. She said that if I got bottom surgery she would find that slightly difficult because she is not physically attracted to male anatomy down there but she will support me and love me no matter what. Luckily I don't feel right now that that surgery is something I'd want anyway.

My Counsellor says she thinks that how I feel about not wanting to have a female body is because I was abused many times during my life. The first time was when I was only 3 and by a female child minder but I don't remember that at all. My counsellor asserts that it will still be effecting me even if I have no concious memory of it.

I feel that my feelings against being male have more to do with having been abused by men many times between 9 years old to only a few years ago. I feel the reason I lost the desire to have male genitals is because they have been used as a weapon against me so many times and have become something I associate with feeling dirty and used. (trying to be painfully honest here...I hope I'm not being too explicit and I certainly don't intend to offend anyone. Please tell me if anything I'm writing is not ok)

I find myself wondering if I would be FTM trans gender if I hadn't had these experiences...as it is I'm left wondering exactly what I am and feeling like nothing in particular. I don't have a particular desire to be EITHER gender right now.

Can anyone help to clarify things for me any?

Does anyone relate to anything I've said here?

BTW, I'm sorry this is so long...I'm trying to include everything to give as full an understanding of me as possible.

[MaryEllen]

Hello CariadsCarrot,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Yep, we can relate to what you have said. Many of us have gone through or are going through what you are feeling now. Have you ever considered counseling with a gender therapist? He/she could help you find the answers you are seeking.

MaryEllen

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I agree with all Mary Ellen says. First you belong here, secondly, yes a gender trained herapist is what you need, one who specializes in 'gender dysphoria.' And we can support you as far as we can her at Laura's - so please stay with us. Of course we can't diagnose you (1) we aren't therapists (2) it takes a huge amount of mental self examination to discover yourself.

You do seem to fit many things that people here have experienced. I know you said you have reviewed being a possible transsexual - a Female To Male type (FTM). There are also people who are very much identifying as 'androgyne' which is both genders, or even as some say, neither gender.

BUT

You are what you are and that is fine! God made you the way you are, so don't feel there is any guilt. It will probably work out like this: a journey of self discovery, acceptance, and a development of self love and a happier life. Apparently your partner is supportive and that is GRAND. And many FTM have top surgery, and never worry about bottom.

The term I use for me is 'male bodied woman.' It could be you are a female bodied man. You just work on being at a comfort level somewhere in there.

WELCOME

Lizzy

NOTE: This is not a duplicate post

Sometimes a new member will post a very similar topic in an appropriate forum AND in the introduction forum, which is what happened here. It seems best to NOT try to combine them as in this case they are somewhat different. Please also see

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=31103&pid=297358&st=0entry297358

Lizzy

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Thank you MaryEllen and Lizzy.

I never even knew there were therapists specific to gender issues until I started reading posts here and saw it mentioned. How would I go about finding one?

I guess I find it difficult coz I guess my abuse history is probably playing a role in how I see my gender at the moment because I'm still very much in the healing process of that. Like I said, my current counsellor thinks it's in making me dislike being female but I feel it's more in making me not want to identify as having any male aspect. It was so simple when I was a kid and could have told you I should be a boy...it's so much more confusing now.

My counsellor has said that we need to talk about it a lot more to get to any conclusions but I just sat and cried after my session the other day coz I felt all we'd done was strip away any understanding that I had thought I was beginning to develop.

Something I'm wondering is, in the same way that I don't know if my current counsellor understands the gender issues and is looking at it from an abuse survivor point of view, would a gender therapist understand the abuse issues?

Right now I do feel that having neither gender is closest to how I feel. That's different to how I felt as a child before I was hurt by men though so I don't know if I'll ever go back to feeling like I should be male when I heal from some of the emotional scars of the abuse. That is adding to my confusion.

[Guest megamix_my_heart]

Hey CariadsCarrot,

Gosh I felt like I heaps related to some of the things you were saying. I too come from a history of abuse, and for quite a while was concerned that the reason I 'thought I was (genderqueer) trans*'was because I had had so many awful experiences that I related to having happened on the basis of my female body. And it was really confusing knowing who I could talk to and not wanting to disclose certain things and have other people try and tell me that they thought my gender issues were only because of my past abuse.

But then, I guess one thing that made me feel a bit better about exploring a trans* identity as a survivor of child abuse, was that, well, maybe it could be that I gender question or have come to a genderqueer identity, not because of the awful men who have abused me, but because I have known so many incredible people of all different genders, that I identified with the positives of them, and that's where my different gender identity came from, rather than a negative place of running from abuse. But I think it can be really hard to reframe things in a much more positive light when we're not feeling heaps great.

While maybe as a trans* person you -might- want to explore whether you believe there are any links between your gender identity and past abuse, I think that for cisgendered counsellors or friends or family or whoever to tell you there are links is inherently transphobic, with the idea that we need to be 'explained' and that being transgendered is the result of being 'damaged'. And I don't let anyone tell me that, because it's unfair and rude and their issue not mine. And if there are trans* people who feel like that might be in some way true for them, that still doesn't detract from the validity or importance of their identity.

This is a really long post, and I hope that's okay. But I also just wanted to say that for years I thought I was FTM, and then have since decided that I fit 'genderqueer' rather than FTM, and that's just as legitimate identity as any other. I definately sometimes feel less 'valid' in trans* spaces because I'm not FTM, but I think that's an issue those groups or spaces need to work on, rather than my fault for not fitting the box. And while our identities might be a bit or completely different, I too would give almost anything for top surgery, but am not interested in bottom surgery, and I think that's absolutely fine.

Hope you got something out of that,m even if it was just a feeling of solidarity,

Zoey.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

would a gender therapist understand the abuse issues?

I would think so because so many tranpeople here say they were sexually abused in their youth - both natal male and female. Sometimes when I think on that, it seems a contributing factor to gender dysphoria. I was not abused like that so I don't know. But perhaps the gender dysphoria issue is and has always been there, and circumstances, such as sexual abuse, aggravate it and bring it to the surface.

I would definitely recommend a gender dysphoria trained therapist. Laura's has a page on this if you haven't seen it yet.

Lizzy

[Guest Tara Ann]

I never even knew there were therapists specific to gender issues until I started reading posts here and saw it mentioned. How would I go about finding one?

Seeing as you're in the UK if you go to your GP you can tell him/her about your gender issues and ask to be referred onward. Most GPs are clueless about what to do next and don't have access to updated lists of therapists qualified to deal people having gender issues (if there even are any near you). So it'll be best to search for the details of your nearest NHS therapists or Gender Identity Clinic (GIC) yourself just in case you need to provide them. There are private therapists too if you don't mind paying.