My Struggle With Anorexia Nervosa

[Guest kennerzzz]

LONG POST WARNING

Hello, everyone! I posted about my anorexia a while ago, and in a recent update post I discussed it some, but I wanted to share my full story, to hopefully give anyone going through the same thing some inspiration, guidance, etc.

When I was looking at colleges as an itty bitty junior in highschool, I was hooked on the University at Buffalo. It's not super close to my home, but close enough for me to be a commuter, still. I come from a highschool with 1,000 students where everyone knows everyone's business. I loved that I could be anonymous at UB - a large university with 2 campuses and over 24,000 students. I toured the school and loved how it was like a city, and how they had everything there. They also had a great art program, and I was going for communication design (advertising).

My first day was horrible. I began the day excited that nobody knew me. It was my first day full-time, too, which wasn't stressful to me at all. But it hit me like a huge brick wall when I realised... If nobody knew me, then I didn't know anybody!

I cried every night that first week, begging my mom not to make me go. I wasn't lazy, I ended the semester with a 3.37 GPA, but I was miserable there. My parents kept telling me I had no choice. Later, I'd learn from my new therapist that my strong anxiety, especially my social anxiety, are linked to control issues I have.

If I couldn't control my life, CLEARLY the logical thing to do was control my food intake. And after being underweight my entire life, all I heard every day was "you need to eat." or "eat a cheeseburger!", etc. So I knew I'd show them who was in control.

September: 1,200 calories. October: 800 calories. November: 600 calories. December - February: 300 calories. The weight loss was slow in the beginning. I looked incredible! My waist got teeny tiny, I felt great about myself, and I felt in control. Then when my weight plateaued in the beginning of January, I thought "this must be it. I have to recover before I ruin my metabolism!" I tried, so hard. Then my mom took me to Toronto for my Christmas present. I came home to find I had dropped 4 pounds. That was a huge trigger. Such dramatic weightloss showed all over my body. I had no more cute booty, my chest was (and still is) getting smaller. And my face. My beautiful face. This was me at my lowest weight of 95 pounds.

I knew I had to do something - I didn't want to die! I wanted to be pretty again, I wanted boys to flirt with me (yes, i'm very much a leo, for my astrology followers!!), I wanted to be healthy, I wanted to re-gain the control. That's when it hit me: in an effort to gain control, I had actually lost it. All of it. My life belonged to anorexia nervosa.

With the help of my mom, I began eating more in february, upping my calorie intake by 50 per day. It was so frightening to reach the 800 mark! I kept going, for my own good. I had a few setbacks, sure, but nowadays, I'm so proud to say I don't even count calories anymore!

Today, I'm 115 pounds, but I know for a fact that around 10 of those pounds is water weight, but a 10 pound gain in a little over a month is an amazing achievement. This is how I looked yesterday, the first day in a long time where I felt truly beautiful. (pssst... no makeup!)

One of the biggest things I've learned from this, besides healthier eating habits, is that in order to stay in control, sometimes you have to give up control. If you think you can fool your body during recovery, you can't. Some days I'm petrified that I didn't eat enough, because my body will retaliate with a massive 3,000 calorie (or more) binge. I've binged every night for the past 3 weeks, actually. But I learned from my anxiety therapist not to fight for control - because you've lost control once you start fighting for it.

Also, I've learned a lesson that so many people need to learn - I've now learned just to love myself for who I am.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I hope the best of luck for anyone going through an eating disorder. The blunt reality was what made me want to recover - recovery will happen sooner or later, as long as death doesn't get to you first.

- Kaitlin

[Guest AlyTheGreatAngel]

Thank You. That is just wonderful. Iv never had quite a serious eating disorder but I do have body image dysphoria...people say im skinny but I dont see that at all and sometimes.....sometimes I just want to stop eating that way id be skinnier and people would love me and want to talk to me and guys would talk to me. I know its all in my head but well im at risk for Anorexia Nervosa. Thanks once again for sharing!

[Guest Emily Ray]

Kaitlin,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is very touching. I am so happy that you are fighting back for your life, your happiness. A few weeks after I went full-time I started down the road you talk about. I was living in a highly restrictive enviornment and it was my way of controling something in my life when I otherwise felt out of control. I knew just how deadly Anorexia is and it scared me enough to seek help. I continue to struggle on occasion but most days I get my three meals a day.

Huggs

Emily

[Guest kennerzzz]

Thank You. That is just wonderful. Iv never had quite a serious eating disorder but I do have body image dysphoria...people say im skinny but I dont see that at all and sometimes.....sometimes I just want to stop eating that way id be skinnier and people would love me and want to talk to me and guys would talk to me. I know its all in my head but well im at risk for Anorexia Nervosa. Thanks once again for sharing!

My goodness, did you see the picture of me at my sickest?! What guy would want to talk to that!!!???? Guys like girls with curves, and girls who look healthy. Not girls who look like they're going to die any second. Weight has nothing to do with how people love you, either. As RuPaul says: If you can't love yourself, how the heck are you gonna love somebody else?

Kaitlin,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is very touching. I am so happy that you are fighting back for your life, your happiness. A few weeks after I went full-time I started down the road you talk about. I was living in a highly restrictive enviornment and it was my way of controling something in my life when I otherwise felt out of control. I knew just how deadly Anorexia is and it scared me enough to seek help. I continue to struggle on occasion but most days I get my three meals a day.

Huggs

Emily

Thank you for sharing your experience! I'm so happy to hear that you're not in that horrible, horrible place anymore. Anorexia is the best fake best friend in the world. It will lure you in with promises and stab you in the back. I knew it was dangerous, too, but kept thinking "oh, that will never happen to me!!!", the most unrealistic one being isolation. I thought my eating couldn't POSSIBLY make me isolated. That's when I didn't speak to any of my friends (I sent/received maybe 5 texts in the month of january. i'm an 18-year-old girl. hmmm... ) for 2 full months.

When you have anorexia, you're not getting away with anything. It will come back to get you in the end.

- Kaitlin

PS: R.I.P. my beautifully long fingernails.

[Guest audrey michelle]

ugh, kaitlin. you are gorgeous. i remember when i first joined here and saw your posts and photos and i was like "wow. model material." and then i re-activated my facebook and saw your page and was like "wooooow. still gorgeoussss"

its sooo good that you are willing to realize what happened, fix it, and then share it to help others. like you, i have social anxiety and i need to be in control. i cant say i have an eating disorder but i do look in the mirror sometimes and go "i need to lose weight" [im like 5'5 and like 120 pounds]. but this post made me realize that you do need to love yourself for who you are and thats okayy

thank youuuuu. and good luck, girl :]

[Guest kennerzzz]

ugh, kaitlin. you are gorgeous. i remember when i first joined here and saw your posts and photos and i was like "wow. model material." and then i re-activated my facebook and saw your page and was like "wooooow. still gorgeoussss"

its sooo good that you are willing to realize what happened, fix it, and then share it to help others. like you, i have social anxiety and i need to be in control. i cant say i have an eating disorder but i do look in the mirror sometimes and go "i need to lose weight" [im like 5'5 and like 120 pounds]. but this post made me realize that you do need to love yourself for who you are and thats okayy

thank youuuuu. and good luck, girl :]

Thank you! Of course you're gorgeous too - that hasn't changed ;]

Social anxiety can be horrible to deal with. I have a "safe person," my mom, who comes with me in all social situations. I feel super comfortable with her there. At least I'm not petrified to go to the grocery store anymore. Its just embarassing sometimes because I'll buy a ton of donuts and cookies and chips, all things we don't keep in the house anymore, and I think the check-out people are judging me. I hope they don't realise that all that food is for me to eat all of within the next few hours. Yeah, binge eating is extremely common during recovery from anorexia. It just sucks that not only is my body trying to literally cushion my organs, but I'm also super bloated all the time, so my belly is really thick! at least you can still see my killer abs ;]

That weight for your height is PERFECT. I've actually seen a pic of your body before, and girl, your curves are BANGIN'. I wish I looked so... soft and beautiful! And curves doesnt mean fat! You look perfect, don't change a thing! ;D (yeah, i did just stay singing Bootylicious by Destiny's Child...)

- Kaitlin

[Guest kennerzzz]

I just wanted to keep you guys updated on my recovery a little.

I find myself barely eating any breakfast. Then I binge (2,000 calories, usually). It used to be at night, but now my binges happen between lunch and dinner. Sometimes I'll have a binge for lunch!

Then I do the worst thing imaginable - I restrict to compensate for the binge. That's like shooting myself in the foot right there. It only sets me up for another binge and I know that!

I really need help to break the cycle. My weight is redistributing to my cheeks, though, something that didn't happen until very recently (and i'm on HRT for 9.5 months!!!)

I'm just really upset.

- Kaitlin

[Guest Emily Ray]

Kaitlin,

The redistribution of fat to the face is a deffinite sign of anorexia. It will only get worse if you continue to binge. You know what you need to do and only you can do it dear. If you arent already involved with a twelve step meeting for eating disorders I think you should find one. It will help you Stay strong.

Huggs

Emily

[Guest kennerzzz]

My anorexia is a manifestation of my control issues and anxiety, so my mother and I decided it was best to seek help for my anxiety instead - you know, treat the root of the problem.

My anxiety therapist has experience working with bulimics and compulsive over-eaters, so he's been able to help me some with the bingeing, but I'm still largely on my own.

I thought this new cheek fat was a blessing, but apparently it's a curse!

Thanks!,

- Kaitlin

[Guest kennerzzz]

I've come such a long way.

January 23rd 2001 - 95 pounds.

April ?th 2011 - 135 pounds.

Thanks for all of your support [:

[Guest JaniceW]

The difference between those two pictures is nothing short of phenominal. You have gone from a gaunt sickly looking person to a healthy happy looking person. Good for you, I know only too well how difficult anorexia can be to deal with and you deserve a whole lot of credit for your herculean efforts to overcome this.

[Guest kennerzzz]

The difference between those two pictures is nothing short of phenominal. You have gone from a gaunt sickly looking person to a healthy happy looking person. Good for you, I know only too well how difficult anorexia can be to deal with and you deserve a whole lot of credit for your herculean efforts to overcome this.

Thank you so much! I still binge eat, but its getting better. My last big binge (5,000 calories) was last thursday, so I'm improving every day

- Kaitlin