Trying To Keep It Positive

[Guest wolfySH]

You guys are probably all used to, since I've been here the past few weeks, doing hardly more than rambling and ranting about how my life's so wah-wah-cry-tears-hard.

And I'm sick of feeling that way.

So here, while I'm avoiding my mountain of homework and the side-effects of my medication, all the mental illness and suicidal impulses that as much as I lie and say they've gone away, haven't abated. I lay quiet and plan, and wait for the day that I can't take it anymore-- again. It'll come, and I won't be locked away like I would be if I were honest. and I can say "Fooled you" to all my loved ones and never think about how much I hurt them ever again.

Oh wow, this is turning out depressing all over again...

Well... great. :/

Before Jack takes over, I'll bring Tyler in... I gave names to each pole of the bi-polar... anyway... Tyler will come in.

And remind me of all the times that felt great.

A specific one sticks out in my head-- it was over a year ago now, but I was dating my first gay boyfriend-- who at least at the time I was sure saw me as another guy. It was great, we'd spend weekends at his parents' beach house and just hang out and watch movies and mess around and relax. It was one of the most stress-free times I can remember.

One day we went to the local-not-so-local smallish Pride Festival. It was dying down by the time we got there, and I wasn't very concerned with passing, which I guess was why it worked. I was dressed in some baggy camo shorts and a tight white t-shirt with "Love, Hate, Hero" written on it in pink and blue.

Anyway, we were hanging out while Pride ended and I saw a man taking photographs-- but he wasn't taking pictures of everything else, though he was obviously there to document all that, plus us queers in attendance--

but he was taking pictures of me.

It was one of the only times in my life that I felt attractive-- I felt incredibly attractive, actually, with my fresh snakebite lip rings and my shaggy, spikey hair. Holding hands with my boy, we were loud and fun and got free "Got Lube?" t-shirts thanks to IDGlide.

Whenever I feel like crap I'm going to try to remind myself of that day-- how I passed without even trying.

It's a lot harder now, now that the guy I'm dating is straight and so unarguably MALE that it seems I automatically am classified as female while standing next to him...

but when I was with Matt, things were... sublime. for lack of a better word.

As robbed as I sometimes feel, that was one time when I felt like the person I always wanted to be, and not the center of attention, but well-liked, and casually, carelessly attractive.

Maybe you guys can tell me things that you think of that always make you feel good-- memories, colours, foods, anything.

Give me some ideas to keep my spirits up, and share fun stories, too.

[Carolyn Marie]

Well, Tyler, if you want to stick to happy stories about being trans, I'll tell you about my very first time out as Carolyn.

I was really, really nervous, and wasn't sure if I would pass at all. I wanted to wear something feminine to make me feel more passable. At that point I was not confident enough to wear pants. So I wore a peasant skirt and a glittering tunic top and wedge heels. So out I went, got gas, saw my G.T.and headed home. I stopped at Starbucks and had coffee, and noticed the lipstick on my coffee cup. That's a memory I'll always keep right there.

I stopped at a local fast food place. I was walking towards the entrance, and a man a few years younger than me came out. We passed each other and he glanced at me, took a few more steps, turned around, looked me up and down, and said "Wow!" We walked our separate ways, and I had my lunch. But I was three feet off the ground the rest of the day. It was just the confidence booster I needed right then, and I'll always remember it.

That's my story, Tyler. I hope it made you smile.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie