Last Night Everything Came Back To "reality"

[Guest jessibeans]

Hey all of yall, I hit my bottom last night and just need some place to process it..

At this point I have been up for over 125 hours. I have been doing MDPV (the research chemical in "Bath Salts") in large doses. This "legal" meth. I have always done more stimulants than every other person I know. I have been addicted to crack and amphetamines in high doses. I am the definition of the word addict. Ive been to treatment, jail, the whole nine yards. And last night I thought i was going to complete the trifecta of addiction and kill myself. But something happened, I remembered who I was as opposed to who I was pretending to be. I remembered all of the thoughts which I had been repressing my entire life with distractions (drugs, books, writing, food.) And I had what you might call a moment of clarity. In the past few days my girlfriend and I had been experimenting with role reversal and crossdressing. Little did I know at the time but we had just opened up a can of worms for me. We continued on in that way for a few days and then last night I was over at her house and I began to feel the Shame. The shame that I had been avoiding dealing with ever since I can remember. The shame that I am a woman and am in an 18 year old man's body. I would say man as opposed to boy because I hit puberty early and hard, having a full-ish beard before entering into high school, and a general layer of hair allover my body. But the shame got me and in the throws of addiction, heavy gender disphoria, identity issues and on heavy drugs I began to have suicidal idealation, which only became worse and worse when I went home. I eventually found myself on my poarch with my laptop, a large knife, and doing more drugs. I wrote a suicide note. Being so tweaked out I kept writing the note until I could not think of a single thing left to say. AND THAT'S WHEN IT HIT ME- That I am a transsexual person. I had honestly been hiding behind so many lies, fake roles, chemical substances, and really anything that made me feel good at all that I had lost my true identity. I am Jessica, and Paul was just a front I had to put on around other people. Something in me clicked and I immediately grabbed my laptop and searched "transexual suicide hotlines." I came to this website and called a number. I just remember when it connected, the sudden and strange relief I got in saying it out loud, "hey I'm jessie and I am a male to female transexual" was enough to make me no longer suicidal. Denile is a river that runs deep, so deep that I had forgotten who I was in all of the drugs, all of the sex, all of the hedonistic self harmful behavior. I had somehow managed to intellectualize my gender identity as a sexual "kink" and managed to still the disphoria at times with crossdressing, and sleeping en femme on a somewhat regular baisis. I always try to talk myself out of the truth. But now the cat is out of the bag and Jessie's here to stay. After that I called my friend Chloe who has been living as a full time female for the past three years since she went to college. I believe my higher power, who i had ceased believing in until last night, put her in my life for a reason, to save my life. When we started talking about gender and what I was going through I suddenly stopped having the "terminal uniqueness," we addicts/trans-people, are prone to feeling. I finally started to feel comfortable about the idea of being a woman cognitively, and comfortable in my own head, which for me was the hardest part. I'm scared though because I can psych myself out pretty good on this front, transitioning is a dauntiing task. And I can't keep using substances because they will kill me physically, spiritually, and will destroy the chance I have to find out who Jessica is as a full-time woman. But i am scared of doing this without them. I have never gone to school sober with these thoughts and feelings so close to the surface and not repressed. I also because of my addiction have criminal charges, which are scary enough to make me use over in and of themselves. I have also been having this persistant doubt about being a transexual because I became addicted to using my male genetalia, even though I had hated them my entire childhood. This is all raw and fresh, I haven't been able to sleep yet, so sorry if it's a little spacy and rambling. But i just needed to get this out of my head and express it somehow. I was up all night reading the posts in this forum and they gave me a lot of hope but I am still very afraid, lonely/isolated, and just ready to be myself, know who she is, and get better from all of the results of living a lie for the first eighteen years of my life. And any feed back or what have you is much much appriciated

Peace love and anarchy

Jessi

[MaryEllen]

Hello Jessi,

Thank you for sharing this with us. You are coming to grips with who and what you are. Believe me.That's enough to scare the bejeebers out of anyone. At this point, I think that counseling with a gender therapist would do wonders for you. You need to have these demons put to rest.

MaryEllen

[JJ]

H Jessi,

Welcome to Laura's and the world. You have been through a lot. Denial is a strong drive and can cause us to do some unbelievable things. But it sounds like you have made a good start in discovering yourself and you have the wisdom to see that your past coping mechanisms are a real threat to ever being your true self.

As MaryEllen suggested you should seek out a gender therapist-and it's very important that it be a therapist with gender training and experience or misdiagnosis and more pain and confusion rather than healing can result.

The good news is that 18 is young enough to make your life over and completely put your past life behind you. It will be hard and it will be a struggle but it can happen, even with those criminal charges. You are lucky that you are coming to terms with this now-many waste a great deal of their lives before having to face the truth.

We understand your fears and conflicts and confusion. Many here also understand and share your struggle with addictions/ So post all you want in ant forum. Ask questions, express opinions or ask for help. We'll be here for you.

Hugs

John