Enforced Coming Out... Tomorrow :\

[Guest ignota]

So thinking about this stuff is messing with me a fair bit, revision for exams isn't going as planned. My mum has scheduled a 'talk' tomorrow about what's happening with my vacation. I was going to tell her next weekend (long story), but I don't think I'll be able to hold in the main reason why things aren't going well. So I'm just going to tell her.

My plan, as I'm still not sure about myself and waiting on seeing a GT, is to just tell her, "this will come as a shock, but I'm not going to lie to you. I've been questioning my gender." Then I'll say some stuff about what being transgender means, that I'm still very confused and it's messing with my work, and that I have a referral waiting to see a specialist. I'll try and come up with some words to that effect while I'm having tea.

Any thoughts, anyone? Oh, and if you think it's a massive mistake to tell her before I know, please tell me technically I don't have to come out in order to get to see a GT or anything, but it'll just make things a bit easier. And I think given time she'll be ok with it - I'm going to be at home for 3 weeks so she can ask me stuff while she comes to terms with it.

[JJ]

It seems to me that only you can know when the time is right to tell your mom. I would prefer that my daughter shared what was going on as early as possible in a situation like that but that has a lot to do with my personality and our relationship. I don't think you have to be certain one way or another to share your struggle with someone.

Your plan for how to explain it sounds good to me. There is a lot of information on site here about how complex and confusing this can be and what the causes are-it might be a good idea to think of what she might ask and be prepared to provide her with as much information as you can

Good luck with whatever you decide

John

[Guest Confusedaboutmyfeelings]

I told my mom even though im in the same boat with the whole im not sure about myself. I was pretty sure she didnt care and she doesnt and shes giving me space to figure it all out... but she does want to come up for a talk in 2 weeks. I mean she doesnt think im TG but she doesnt care if I am at the same time . If you are sure she will not care then I mean it cant hurt, just may give you someone to actually talk to.

I even told my mom about the AGP part which is quite awkward to tell someone about let alone your mom . But she had a gay brother so she kinda knows all that stuff isnt by choice. I dunno i got lucky its really up to you to decide how well you think your mom will take it all.

[Guest ignota]

@John: Thanks I'll try that.

@Confused: I think I read earlier about your coming out, it's good that yours is being supportive Well done on telling her about AGP too! That takes guts.

I think it'll take her a while to 'get' it, but she's more likely to be concerned that I've been going through something without telling her. The only reason I haven't told her already is that I've been four hours' drive away at university, she'd've gone crazy if I'd've told her then. At least now I've got three weeks of being around so she can talk to me about it.

Possible wording (it'll probably come out differently): "Being TG basically means that your body's sex doesn't really match the gender you feel like you are inside. Every TG person has a different way of being TG, and my main problem is finding out where I am. The whole thing is really confusing - I could be confusing my feelings with something else, I could be faking it to mask something deeper... I don't know. I just know that something's wrong, and after reading about other people's experiences, this seems to fit. But all this means for the moment is that I need to see a specialist to help me sort it out, and I'm already on my way with that. I'm not going to suddenly turn into some completely different person - it's more about finding a way to be myself. Because I don't think I've ever been myself - I always just tried to fit in."

Typically poor explanation. I don't think I'll go into the nitty-gritty just yet, I'll see how things go. I might just leave her to stew with this and then add more later. Cooking metaphors

I think she'll be ok with it, eventually. I mean they've been hinting at me for a while that it's ok to be gay -.- if only it were that simple... I've tried it (briefly), didn't work.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll have some decent news to share. Thanks both of you.

[Guest Confusedaboutmyfeelings]

I mean they've been hinting at me for a while that it's ok to be gay -.- if only it were that simple...

haha yeah that sounds about right for me to... i think my dad thinks I may be gay even though he jokes that im losing weight because i wanna find a girl. I remember once I was eating dinner with him a few years ago and my brother made a joke about how I will be working with him and he goes I dont care if your brother and his boyfriend work with me they both can.... *Awkward silence/stares*... "dad no one said i was gay" most awkward day of my life -.-.

Thats also basically what i told my mom ignota. I said how i felt but then also well told her i wasnt sure myself and it could be something else i really dont know. But the idea sounded right after reading a few other peoples stories... even if they were different in quite a few ways... and basically we both agreed therapy is what i need because well she has no answers and i need to find answers sooo yeahhhh....

[Guest ignota]

Haha! Mine haven't got so blatant, but they've definitely been hinting.

Thats also basically what i told my mom ignota. I said how i felt but then also well told her i wasnt sure myself and it could be something else i really dont know. But the idea sounded right after reading a few other peoples stories... even if they were different in quite a few ways... and basically we both agreed therapy is what i need because well she has no answers and i need to find answers sooo yeahhhh....

I hope my conversation ends with something like that. Thing is, my mum prefers 'natural' remedies, she may well say "you don't need that just look inside", or even worse "you're fine the way you are". >.< I have answers for both of those.

[Guest DésiréeG]

And I think given time she'll be ok with it - I'm going to be at home for 3 weeks so she can ask me stuff while she comes to terms with it.

I would caution that while 3 weeks home is good for giving your mom time to ask questions, it's not even close to the time it takes a parent to "comes to terms with it." You've had years to deal with this. It can take a long time for parents to accept. I'm not trying to be negative here, just don't want you to get your expectations too high.

[Guest ignota]

it's not even close to the time it takes a parent to "comes to terms with it." You've had years to deal with this. It can take a long time for parents to accept.

You're right, but I couldn't face waiting till the summer. It was bound to come out at some point, and I decided it would be better to find the right time to tell her than wait until tension is high because I'm failing my degree.

As it turned out, I couldn't possibly have expected it to go nearly as well as it did. My mum is amazing, seriously. We were going into town, we'd just found a parking spot and got a ticket, and I said to her, "Mum, I've got something to tell you, can we get back into the car?" And I told her, and her first reaction was, you poor thing! How had you been going around with this inside you and I didn't even know?!

We talked about it for a while, and I told her a bit of what I knew about TG people. She said she'd suspected something was going on, but this was almost completely unexpected. But she was amazingly understanding. She said she just wants me to be happy, and she'll support me and help me get there wherever it is.

I think she still has reservations, and she wants to protect me, but she knows she can't protect me from myself. I still can't quite believe it's happened now. It was weird talking to her about it... it's like it hasn't really hit me. Didn't even feel much anticipation beforehand. Crazy... I hope I learn to feel emotions properly one day. So boring like this hopefully therapy will help.

My mum knows and she's ok with it! Amazing.

[JJ]

Hugs & Congratulations!

That was such a major step and I'm glad it went so well. People can really surprise us. It will make a big difference being qble to share with your mom.

As far as the emotions. I think many of us learn to suppress our emotions early on in order to just get through our lives. It takes time to unlearn that. And it isn't so much that we aren't feeling but that we aren't in touch with our feelings anymore. I know for really big things like coming out to family it can take awhile for me to really feel anything but the adreneline from the nerves. Then it;s like an anti-climax when that wears off until the real emotions work their way through over time.

Hugs

John

[Guest ignota]

Thanks John. I hope it is that. Perfectly possible it's just something else and I'm faking, but for now I'll go with that because it makes me feel better I was all prepared for a massive emotional outpouring... The hardest thing now is going to be stopping myself babbling about it constantly.

Thanks for your support, anyway. Helps a lot.

PS I love my mum

[Guest Confusedaboutmyfeelings]

Thanks John. I hope it is that. Perfectly possible it's just something else and I'm faking, but for now I'll go with that because it makes me feel better I was all prepared for a massive emotional outpouring... The hardest thing now is going to be stopping myself babbling about it constantly.

Thanks for your support, anyway. Helps a lot.

PS I love my mum

I think your reading my mind and writing your posts from those thoughts...

[Guest ignota]

Didn't I say that on your topic? Scary, isn't it... But nice to know

[Guest ignota]

Feel like I shouldn't have done it now... It was good from the POV that my mum isn't so much on my back about work, and I can at least talk to them and ask them to give me space. She told my stepdad about it, by the way. I made it clear that wasn't ok, but I understand why, and I don't feel angry about it at all. What gets me is that it might turn into chinese whispers.

Thing is now, they don't seem to have grasped it - my stepdad's like "oh, there's an element of wanting to be a boy on your mother's knee, you find it difficult growing up to be a man"... they also think there's an element of attention seeking.

Aside from the hammer on my heart every time he said 'boy' or 'man', or slapped me on the back or something (I hate that), it's so frustrating to be told it might be attention-seeking behaviour. Perhaps it is, a little... but I'd far rather be able to keep it to myself, to develop a female identity and be comfortable with that, despite the social role being wrong. What stops me doing that is my body being the horrible thing it is, knowing that every minute it turns more irreversibly masculine... so I'm desperate to sort out my mind (not to get the answer I want, but at least to be secure in my knowledge of myself). And, as any of you will know, it makes it so hard to carry on amidst the pressure of everyone assuming you're normal.

Sorry, everyone. I just wish I hadn't done it now. My mind ties itself in knots...

[JJ]

The truth is that this is something that had to be done eventually. And really how could they possibly get it right off the bat? We ourselves struggle with it for years. Are confused and doubting and conflicted and we are the one feeling it. This is so outside the way most people have thought that they just plain don't understand. Can't.

For a lucky few people your age their families have had some experience with it before or they have had some other exposure-otherwise even the accepting situations are a lot like yours.

They don't want this to be true. It makes life more difficult for you and for them. They have the whole teen rebellion, attention getting thing to help feed their denial, So they head to that safer spot they know rather than face this thing they can't grasp.

Be patient and firm with them. By being as adult as possible in relation to being trans yhey will begin to see this actually isn't some teen angst melodrama but a serious issue. When your step dad makes those kinds of statements calmly explain to him that it hurt you and why. Not accusing him because he really is trying to do his best for you as he sees it I suspect, but just as a statement of fact.

Sometimes when we come out to parents we have to become the adult in the situation and patiently teach them about gender identity and how this feels. You have to set the tone for how this will be handled, Show tolerance for thier ignorance at this point-because they can't help but be and treat them they way you want them to treat you. It really is the only thing that works.

It's early days yet. You may end up being glad you told them and beginning to get the help you need to resolve this situation

[Guest ignota]

Thanks JJ. Just want to run and hide I was a little depressed when I posted that. We're having a Big Talk today, so hopefully I'll explain it a bit better this time. I asked my stepdad not to do what he does, and he's already doing his best. I'm very lucky