Hello Seems To Work

[Guest Stacy Wilderness]

Hello,

Back in January I decided to come out as a heavily closeted man

about my feelings that I was Gay and Trans. I've gone to drag

shows at a local Gay Bar several times, and it's OK but not very

exciting and I'm starting to question if I really am Gay or not

(which sounds silly, but back in college I was very sexually

active, orally, for about a year, before going back in the closet

-mainly because I felt really slutty about it and that was 30 years

ago - you'd think if I really was Gay, I'd do something about it

in all that time. I did start attending a predominately LGBT

church - which seems to give me some genuine comfort about things,

but I haven't had any sexual experience since coming out again.

On the Trans side, since I was about 9 or 10 I've viewed myself

as the classic woman trapped in this body, and expressed it in

grade school and high school by wearing womans clothing every

chance I could and found it very arousing. But again that was

over 30 years ago, and I stopped wearing this stuff years ago,

but I still fantasize about being a woman and wearing womans

clothing. I decided to seek out a Gender Therapist and in late

Jan/Feb went to 4 sessions. I was diagnosed as a cross dresser,

which sort of makes sense, and kind of eliminates the need to see

a gender therapist so I terminated any more sessions.

I really felt the Therapy was creating problems, honestly.

But by this time (about a month ago) I was having anxiety attacks

after the last two sessions, a month long depression event, and

some thoughts of doing something stupid - (thoughts are thoughts -OK,

Over the last several years I havent had thoughts though, so that is a change)

- I've been through things like this in the past and I was

able to recognize the onset, and ride it out - right now I am on

fairly stable ground. But I think that the cause of the anxiety

attacks was the recognition that while maybe in the past I might have

been trans, it's just been so long and I've been so repressed that now

I'm really not either male or female or anything really - I just kind

of waited too long, and now I'm nothing, but I self identified as

Androgyne, but that's not very accurate to what I feel I've become.

Even if it is not a real gender orientation, because I do score in the

trans range on the Cogiati and Sage tests, I am thinking that as a goal

trying to see if I could work at passing as a woman and seeing what

that was like may be worth while, so I've been working on losing

weight, getting a female voice, etc things like that. I am not at

all feminine looking right now, but then I have been deliberately

working on not being in any way feminine for the last 30 years or so,

and if I worked on being feminine, maybe I could just pass.

Anyways - sorry for such a long passage.

[JenniferB]

Hi Stacy and Welcome to Laura's Playground

I appreciate your story and can see your confusion. Maybe you saw the wrong gender therapist. In my experience and what I have read in the forums, you know you are transsexual, usually when very young (like under 10 years of age). There is nothing wrong about you and experimenting by dressing and trying to be a woman is ok. I believe this could be a place you can find answers. I would recommend reading as much as you can in the forums. There is a library of information here.

Know that many transgender people suffer from depression and anxiety. This seems to be the norm rather than the exception. So when you are feeling down you can post here and find a lot of support by members who are none judgmental. I hope you can find where you fit on the gender spectrum and find peace with yourself.

BTW I wouldn't put much stock in the Cogliati test. It is not scientific and should be taken just for fun. It really doesn't reveal anything. I started taking the Sage test (never heard of it before) and stopped because I don't believe measurements have anything to do with gender identity.

Don't be afraid to ask questions here and when you are hurting, this is a good place to find support by members who care.

Love Jenny

[Guest Besomyka]

First of all, it's okay. You're okay.

If you like men, then you like men. If you want that man in your life to think of you as a man - maybe an effeminate man, but still a man - then you're gay. Which is cool. People are! I have a soft spot in my heart for those fellas.

If you want that man in your life to think of you as a woman, however, then maybe you're transsexual.

But I'm not a GT. Don't put much stock in the evaluations of the past. You learn more about yourself and things change, and you should talk to somebody professionally trained in this sort of thing based on what you now know about yourself now.

[Guest Stacy Wilderness]

Thanks - the Gender Therapy was supposed to be a postive step, and it just

wasn't. I was so very elated and joyful for about two weeks after the first

session, and just getting chemically attacked after the third and fourth

sessions - it was such a swing and it happened so quickly that I don't think

I can blame it on a bad therapist - but I couldn't put myself through that

again - I had to stop that and protect myself. I am planning on seeing a regular

therapist that is open to LGBT people about the coming out and depression

and I'd mention some of the gender identity confusion (but money is an issue

right now - it is very affordable and I do place some importance on doing this).

I am kind of doubting if I am really Gay, but I would really like to be in that

type of relationship with a man, especially emotionally, and so I'd make it work

and the sex would be stimulative and satisfying to me, and to him I'm sure, so

it's easier to say I'm Gay than to explain what I'm talking about.

I think the cogiati is good at identifying your willngness to conform to female

stereotypes - and I think I'd be happier presenting myself as a woman and conforming

to a female role even if I wasn't really a woman, but it's not like a gender change

because I don't think the man I present myself as is me either- it's like an actor

playing a role, if I got the girls part I'd be happier, than if I kept on playing

the guys part. I do think at one time I was genuinely trans, and now I'm not,

I just had to live this way for so long, but I'm pretty sure I would be happier

living as a woman, and I'm really not hurting anyone if I did.

A sleepless night, oh well, sometimes it happens

Take care.

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Stacy,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have Androgyne meetings Sat & Weds 9pm est est and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna