A Letter To A Lost Soul

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Hello all you people who ask 'WHAT AM I?"

Many are afraid to be on Laura's Playground, make a quick venture here with a post or two and then never come back. We usually try to welcome you and make you feel safe here, and we offer virtual cookies and hot cocoa - and we mention reading the rules.

BUT

Sometimes you don't get what you are looking for. I have thought long and hard on this, and my guess is you somehow are terrified of what you THINK this site is all about. You ask 'why do I feel the way I am?" Then you see all those here that are 'transitioning' and it both fascinates and terrifies you!

Then everyone recommends you see a Gender Therapist (GT) and that isn't exactly what you hoped for. OH MY... how can we explain?

.................

I am working with a college age person, voicing a hundred doubts. This is close to the usual situation we work with, although this person is specifically born natal male, and is out of most of the parental control that some of you have.

We wrote many PMs back and forth... then this last one? It seemed something new people might want to see. This person feels a therapist would never allow transitioning unless it was a life or death situation, which is not exactly correct. This person also is asking "WHAT AM I?"

Personal and private references are edited out, except as refer to me.

.........................

I think you have an incorrect view about what gender therapists do. It's more like you talk with them, tell them how you really feel... everything including all the doubts you have - even like you are talking to me here - especially like you are talking to me here.

It's not that [therapists] do or do not 'allow' you to take a big step like transitioning, but rather that they help you find out if it is RIGHT for you. The criteria is not that you can or cannot function as the body you were born into, but rather if you can be happy - happy either as a male or as a transitioned female. They won't allow you to go places that are wrong for you which ALSO includes staying male, if that is not going to work.

Yes, you see happy people on Laura's. So many of us just couldn't function as we were born. It isn't the same for everyone, some have had a terrible time since childhood, some have struggled but made it work as they were born, but kept getting more and more miserable.

There is no real scale, but I always classify gender dysphoric people 1 to 5. Starting with 1 as people who question but resolve their issues and stay as they are, happy to remain in the body they were born in. 5 is the opposite end where a person will kill themself

unless something is done. I am a 4 - unhappy being a guy, I worked hard pretending for years, finally getting so miserable I was going to kill myself (that self destructiveness came very late).

BUT

Transitioning is a double edge sword. Yes we are happy - I am - but it cost me everything! I lost my wife and my home and my job and most all my friends. BUT - I found myself. I thank the CREATOR for allowing me to be the woman I am in the last years of my life. I am so happy about that - and it is so right! But - I am so sad I wasted my life. I wish I was 20 years old and transitioned - almost my whole adult life ahead of me as a girl, as a woman. What I was supposed to be.

And we TGirls are only 80-90% complete even after all the surgery and hormone treatments. We have no uterus. We do not have mensuration every month. We are only as complete as medical science can make us

But mentally? Well yes. We are 100% complete mentally, because you see - we discover we have always been female.

[MTF] transsexuals are probably born with a female mindset. We MTF are told we are males and we try hard to be males. It just isn't workable for most of us.

I consider myself a male bodied woman. My soul and my mind have always been female. It's the body that did not fit. I chose to modify the body, because I cannot modify my soul or how I feel.

So a therapist works with that. Not all diagnosed transsexual people can transition. Some chose not to, some feel too strong a connection with their birth gender, some don't ever have the means or the money, some just live as what they truly are in secret.

Going on Laura's I think for you, is like taking a cold drink of water in the hottest part of the day. It is a window into the life of we who are 'rather certain' we are what we really are, transsexual. We support each other - and you get to see what happens. That's what is happening for you when you come here.

I am not a therapist but it seems to me you are very much gender dysphoric. That does not necessarily mean transsexual. We work with supporting the gender dysphoric, and so you are accepted easily on Laura's - as you found out.

But all I can do is be there for you. You are struggling right now - on the cusp of a journey of self discovery. Neither of us know where you will go, and I am really explaining... recommending... that a gender trained therapist is the best way to go.

YES - terrifying. I had a horribly difficult time finding and then going to a GT, but it saved my life. They turn out to be your best friend... the good ones who know their stuff. What you think will probably happen with them never does. Be honest with them, and they will help you find yourself.

Just throwing some things out.

................

Please understand these are my opinions - but I hope this helps you new people. It also generally applies to you natal female who feel you should be male, if you reverse a few pronouns.

Lizzy

[Guest ignota]

Thank you for posting this, Lizzy. A lot of it is the sort of thing people like me need to hear

I just want to be happy in my mind. I used to be fine on my own but now it drives me crazy, and I want that back! That's why I'm going to a GT. HRT draws me... but I won't be happy unless my head is happy.

[Guest Nick A]

Lizzy,

Thanks for your post. I posed this very question in the "Crying" thread in this forum a few days ago. In my case, I ask "what am I?" whenever I think of how people judge me. I know what I am -- a female-bodied male. But I also grew up thinking that things like this -- like "me" just don't happen and that "God makes no mistakes." That's why Gaga's song BORN THIS WAY hit home so much...because it has taken me a few years now to realize why God didn't choose to "heal" me. I now know that my Creator didn't "heal" me because the inside isn't what is "wrong!" In fact, I will go further and say that the outside isn't "wrong" in that this was indeed the Creator's plan for me. I don't like it many days, and I often wonder what a life would be like that most of the population enjoys...but at the end of the day, and as I put my trust in my God and His purpose for me, I wouldn't choose any other "cross" to bear. I also fully believe that the Creator is fully supportive if and when I choose to transition.

I recall hearing someone speak out against transexuality, stating that "there is no man inside a woman's body, etc." I remember feeling like I was dying inside as I listened to his words. But I never thought he could be wrong. Well, I just kept on doing what I had done for so long -- repress and never ever acknowledge. Keep doing the "right" thing and surely it'll just go away. It never did. But I will tell you, the Creator didn't leave me either. And all that time it's as if He was helping me, guiding me into the Truth. So, it took a long time for me to finally acknowledge the truth -- that my identity is male. Now, there is at least no more struggle...no more repressing, no more lies, no more hidden me.... Yet, I also have come to the realization that without transitioning, I will always have that conflict -- the body that everybody sees vs. the me that isn't my body. Does that make sense? I have had people tell me that as long as I am in this body -- without transitioning -- that my role will always be as female, and it is as if they have zero regard for my inner man. They ignore "me" because they see and hear only female.

I myself am no longer terrified of others, or even me transitioning. It seems I see more and more people who appear to be in my circumstance, and while I do not want to superficially judge anybody's circumstance, I realize that I am not alone. I am no longer terrified of what I am. I am no longer terrified of the reality that my body must change in order to be "whole" and complete. What terrifies me are those voices I heard growing up -- the shame I felt in being different. What terrifies me is living my life having the Blessing of my Creator, only to be told I'm going to Hell or that I'm some sick pervert. Or worse, that somehow I sinned so that I'm beyond God's love and now am reaping His judgment. It was always so much easier to just believe that all those voices were right, and that what I am is just a "woman who wants to be a man." They don't know how many times I tried to be a woman. Being a man was natural...but I learned to adapt. I remember training myself to act more like a woman...and that led to so many things that I regret. I should never have hidden who I was to please any person. I wish I had had courage back then. But I didn't.

Now, it is a struggle to find that courage to live as me in spite of those voices that only cause me to wonder "what am I?" in relation to others' views, but never my own. And what will I be? I have been giving this one some thought for some time. I trust my Creator, the one who permitted this circumstance for good, that one day I will be what my Creator is calling me to be -- myself. Wholly and completely myself.

Thanks to you all on these boards here at Laura's. I've been reading for a couple of years, but only recently started posting as I had to share my thoughts with those who most understand. I am fortunate that I do have someone in my life that helps me and accepts me as I am...even if we don't have all the answers. I was at my lowest point, and it was in part because of you all that I am able to have hope in living.

Sorry if I went on about any one thing too much...or if maybe I should have put most of this in an intro post (which I have yet to do). But, Lizzy, you really nailed my thoughts. And even before I got on the net this morning, I had it in my head to post much of what I said in this post.

Nick

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Wonderful post, Lizzy.......

Yes....terrifying is a good word to assign to the whole thing!

So many questions and so much confusion.....so many wrong ideas about what it is all about...

Like you, I hate to see people post a couple and then never show up again....

Maybe if new people could see your post early, they might take an better shot at understanding all of this and how they fit into it all...

A therapist is a MUST.....they'll help you find exactly where you need to go (or stay) ...

Without this guidance, one tends to bounce around and make wrong/bad decisions....

There are so many that need and want help.....

Donna Jean

[Guest ChloëC]

I'm approaching the 'will you still need me, will you still feed me' age, and I have basically settled into this life I have. As such, at this point, I don't think a therapist will really help me all that much.

But!!!!! If there had been the therapists back in the day (like the 1960's) like there are now, I'd have jumped at the chance. Maybe in working through my issues - really! they're mine and no one else's - and having a professional there to help me and keep me focused and assist me in understanding myself (note every word I used, it's all about me! not the therapist), my life would have totally different. No guarantees, of course; or maybe I would have been more open about what I do and I am.

But back then GID (Gender Identity Disorder) was practically an unknown quantity. People like me were practically always lumped either into gay or drag images. The thought of being a different gender inside than how one is physically outside would have anyone going to most regular psychologists or psychiatrists labeled as having a serious personality disorder. I knew that was not me, and probably would have been very upset if I were labeled that, but I didn't for a long time know what I was. Took lots of reading, watching, listening, and places like this to help me.

That helped me, and maybe it might help you, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

So, Lizzy above is absolutely right!

For anyone wondering 'Who am I? What am I?' maybe some of our life experiences that we constantly share might be relatable, but finding a trained and professional therapist is really the best. And nobody will force you to stay, or do what you don't want to do. And in your first meeting, toss out the buzzwords - GID, Harry Benjamin, etc. - ask them to tell you differences between ts,tg,cd, androgyne, etc. If they show any confusion at all, ask them to find someone who does know and recommend you to them.

In this, it's about you and your feelings and your hopes and dreams and fears. Anyone not taking you seriously, is not going to help you help yourself.

Hugz

Chloë

[Sally]

Lizzy is right and we need to remember how scared we were when we first arrived.

I took almost two weeks between my intro and my first post - I was terrified and I was already seeing a gender therapist.

We need to be friendly and when I go to intros, I will take my cookies and some hot cocoa with me but it is very important to take something from their intro and address it so that let's them know that you are listening.

They are searching for themselves, offer to help, remind them that we all have some similar experiences in our searching for ourselves, tell them to read and post, ask questions but remember that at some point you will need a gender therapist on your side as well.

It is all in how you approach it - sure we have all welcomed hundreds of members but we must try to stay fresh and not fall into cookie cutter greetings - they are all different and we have got to find those differences and help them to feel comfortable enough to remain for the support that they came here looking for.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Lizzy,

You, the other moderators and the administrators here at The Playground are truly some of the finest people I've ever known and, quite arguably, are THE finest.

All of you spend so many hours and so much energy helping so many people without monetary reward and without widespread recognition. You are doing "pro bono" work in the true sense of the word.

This is a beautiful and fine thing all of you mods and admins do here ... very much so. All of us are deeply touched and are immensely grateful for all that you do and do so well.

For what it's worth, I'm a "4" on your 1-5-point scale of GID just like you. Also, just like you (Lizzy), I'm moreorless paying the same price you did albeit in different proportions but in the same ways.

We of the 50-plus- and 60-plus-set just could not not transition way back when for many reasons. You all know them well. How sad it is that all we get to be is old women. Sorry. Don't mean to bring anybody down. Just feelin' sorry for myself.

The covergirl on the March 2011 Cosmopolitan Magazine is what I could have been and should have been. We have the same build almost exactly with me, of course, being taller.

However, ...

She is a genetic girl in her late-teens or early-20s. Me? Sigh ..., don't ask. Why, Lizzy? Why coul we not have done this say in 1973, 1975 or so? Don't answer that. It's a rhetorical question.

Anyway, your advice to this young person is off-the-charts spot-on. You have given them what money cannot. What a legacy.

God Bless you all!

Lacey

Postscript:

At this very moment, Billy Squire's "Lonely is the Night" begins on the radio. Like, it's prenatural timing. There IS a God! Gotta be!

[Guest Elizabeth K]

There has to be a reason all the new people tend o single post and then go away. I threw out a couple of guesses but I am sure there may be others.

I wish I had a few reposes here?

Lizzy

[Guest Donna Jean]

There has to be a reason all the new people tend o single post and then go away. I threw out a couple of guesses but I am sure there may be others.

I wish I had a few reposes here?

Lizzy

IMHO......

Some probably come and after a couple of posts, rethink it all and go back into denial (like so many of us have done...)..

Or were caught by parents, S/O, boss, friends and stopped posting...

There are probably a lot of real or perceived reasons...

Donna Jean

[Guest CLAIRE100]

There has to be a reason all the new people tend o single post and then go away. I threw out a couple of guesses but I am sure there may be others.

I wish I had a few reposes here?

Lizzy

Lizzy there are probably a multitude of reasons why new people don't continue to post.Fear is probably a big one, because once you have gotten hear it's a first step in dealing with whats been going on in your life. I tend to think that with older individuals like myself we see getting here as part of a last ditch effort to deal with how we feel finally, and we hopefully stay because of that, as well as seeing others of a similar age doing the same thing I know this has helped me. Had Laura's and other internet resources been around in the sixties, or seventies, I believe my life would have been different, but it's here now, and still can make a difference for many people.As to why people leave I wish I knew but remember that when people are truly thirty they will drink from the well, when they are not you can't make them. love Claire

[Guest Confusedaboutmyfeelings]

I wouldnt say fear as much as just second guessing. As Lizzy wrote in the first post, she was 4 on the scale of 1-5. From the way she spoke about it and how I currently feel I dont think I am anywhere near that number. But I know im somewhere on that scale so I stick around, just dont post as often because of law school and needing to actually pass that . Some people come here for answers thinking they may be TG or TS and then read some of these posts and begin to second guess themselves... I know I am/have.

Also gonna guess a somewhat small but maybe decent percent could also be trolls who sign up then realize everyone of their posts need to be moderated so they just stop posting as there is no point in trying to troll if a moderator can cut it off before its even posted.

[Guest Kimburly]

Another wonderful thread!

I am probably a fair example of the fear/second guessing, and the last ditch effort that Claire mentioned.

After joining Laura's in late '09, reading a ton and making a few posts, I somehow went back to denial city. It just felt so intense, and I was intimidated. Wrong move, again!

Crossdressing kept me semi-sane for a very long time, so I guess I thought that it would be enough. Then a major change in location and circumstance led to a realization that I would need to change from within to ease the angst that had my head spinning.

So! No more second guessing. Fear is still a factor, of course, but much less so. There seems to be a clarity creeping in, and I'm keeping my old catcher's mitt handy so none of it gets by me. Uh oh, where did I put that mask?