Who Would Be Offended?

[Guest Captain Troy]

Personally, I wouldn't be offended, but I can see where most would be. At the same time, I wanna point out that my mom is as cisgendered as they come, but she has long since given up on fighting her mustache. One of the things I am glad of is that eastern european female-bodied people are GREAT at growing facial hair. Makes things easier for me

[Guest (Lightsider)]

I agree with the others. It is just bad form to ask. I would not be offended myself but on the other hand if it was done in a public setting I might get a bit peed off because it is rude.

And what if you are wrong? oops! If the person wants you to know that person will tell you.

[Guest (Lightsider)]

Oh and I want to add, that I know of a situation where another trans asked some one they could hav sworn was another trans and it back fired. She was ACTUALLY FEMALE. She had large hands, masculine features..was tall...the whole nine yards. Even I was convinced. Buzzzz...wrong. It is simply none of our business.

[Guest AlexForever]

A slight variant on this question - what about if this person is a friend of yours? Not a close friend particularly, but more than just an acquaintance. Does that change what you would do?

This is a different matter, I think; maybe try to get closer to that person, get to know him/her/hir, and mention some LGBT subject without being specific from the start?

[Guest Pammy]

In my opinion, this is the number one most difficult topic we all face. Do we or don't we ask?

On one hand, we tend to be lonely in our struggles and wish we had someone understanding to talk to. Friends can be an invaluable resource, trans or not. I sometimes wonder if our suicide rate would drop if we could meet other transpeople and just talk. I, personally, do not mid being asked if the asker is discreet. Let's not get on the Wally World PA system and blast the question to the entire store, but a quiet question at the sale rack is not out of order in my book. I have no illusions that I will ever totally pass; I am just too big and masculinized to completely pass as natal female.

On the other hand, I understand the feelings involved. The fear of embarrassment if you thought wrongly, the humiliation of outing one of us when they might have been stealth. I follow the usual protocol of not asking but it does frustrate me sometimes.

I have a close friend who is totally out (non op) who gets very frustrated because she is certain that there are at least two MtF transwomen in her area and she is dying to make some friends but she follows the protocol and doesn't ask, even privately. She is confused by this seemingly unsolveable situation. We want friends and complain of loneliness but don't want anyone to talk to us either.

How can we solve this situation? Simple. I think we as a community need to get over our innate shyness and establish a new protocol! We really need to standardize our label, much as many hate having one. What are we, really? Different people have different answers. I have my definition of andro, TG, TS, TV and CD. These definitions are unique to me. You have yours. No one agrees and it's no wonder that the cisgender crowd is confused. Perhaps a totally new word is needed to define us within society. One without the three-letter word that rhymes with "hex" in it.

I am seriously considering making up Tshirts with two fronts. One will say "Go ahead and ask!" and the other will say "Please don't ask!" This way, we can tell at a glance which of us don't mind being asked and which of us will be offended. If they sell well enough, I also am designing a unisex lapel pin.

For the record, go ahead and ask me! My skin is a lot thicker than that and I'm prepared for a lifetime of that question. I've been asked already by a five-year-old girl. I just smiled and before I could answer, her grandfather answered for me. That was more offensive to me than the original question! Of course, I was presenting male at the time so the correct answer was "a man of course, sweetie!" but I bristled at the implication that I could not be otherwise. I let the incident slide because that was hardly the time or place for a lecture on transsexualism.

Even the answers here are all over the spectrum. Some don't mind being asked, some do, some would even be offended! This I don't get. We have better trans-radar than most. We know what to look for. The only people more discerning than another transperson are teenage girls. If you can pass in front of a group of fifteen year old girls; Honey, you pass! If another transperson clocks me, I don't get upset. I know they are wiser and more educated than the average schlub. Much like Freemasons can spot each other by cetain recognition symbols and slip past most people, we can spot a kindred spirit (most of the time).

It's high time we quit being a community of loners and got together!

Peace and love

Pamela

[Guest Avery F]

Personally, I think that being asked 'are you trans' would make me slightly nervous if I was traveling somewhere less than liberal, because I might not know if the person asking the question was transphobic and would have a bad reaction if I said yes. I wouldn't be offended per say, but I'd rather that no one asked me a question like that in an area which was not very LGBT friendly, particularly in public somewhere. On the other hand, I have no problem with someone asking me whether I'm male or female - that has happened a few times, and I just laugh and tell them I'm male, and that's the end of it. I wouldn't ask either question to another person, though, as I know that many people (trans and otherwise) don't like being asked. Also, the latter question wouldn't work if the person turned out to be an androgyne or other non-typical gender.

On the topic of indicating to other folks whether you're trans and don't mind being asked about it, I support the inconspicuous symbol method - wear some little piece of jewelry or whatever with the transgender symbol thing on it (the circle with the three different gender signs coming off it) or with the transgender pride flag. I've got a pendant which has the symbol thing on it. Very few people who aren't trans actually know what the symbol or the flag mean, so the only people likely to ask you about it are either fellow transpeople or at least supportive of trans issues.

[Sally]

Just another take on this - I was a professional photographer and one of the people that I worked for was photographing a wedding, he asked one of the bridesmaids what seemed like an innocent question, "When is the baby due?"

The problem here was much like asking a person if they are trans - what if they aren't?

The bridesmaid was not pregnant - she was offended, he was embarrassed and the rest of the evening was difficult for both and awkward for all that had heard - why open a can of worms like that?

I have never had the urge to walk up to someone of color and ask them if they are black, Jamaican or where they originated - the same with people of Asian decent they do not enjoy being asked if they are Japanese, Korean, Chinese, Vietnamese or Cambodian - they are just people - so are we so let's just let everyone come out to us if they want to or not - never ask.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Don't approach someone you don't know. If they are trans then be especially careful not to stare. If there is a situation where you can meet or just casually converse, even then don't out each other, even privately.

I had a cross dresser (identifies as TG but I donno) at church come up to me and start blabbing how his son thought I was natal, and wasn't that good that I 'passed' that well? I was talking to someone who probably DIDN'T know I was anyone else but a woman - I was suddenly outed. I WAS FURIOUS!

If you should make eye contact, just smile - implying, "looking good, woman!'

I don't know about FTM. I just don't approach them at all or make eye contact.

Lizzy

[Guest jenny22]

I personally would not be offended if it was done in a quiet manner, but if there was a risk of being overheard, especially at work wher there might be larger consequences to being outed than just embarrassment, its an extremely bad idea. The fact that the person had a beard to me shows that they may be transition but hoping that the beard disqualifies from being considered an MTF, and thus trying to hide it from someone.