Boyfriend Crossdresses

[Guest melansia]

Okay, so I'm a female. My boyfriend told me a few months ago he crossdresses. I was totally okay with this because my brother used to do it (he would come to me to borrow clothes) but now it seems my bf's CDing has progressed. I'm still accepting. I've even agreed to involve this in our sex life. But the problem is, HE still doesn't accept himself. Nobody knows except me. He's been doing it since he was a child.. He's almost 22 now.. And he comes from a very Christian oriented family, so the guilt of it still weighs on him everyone he does this. I'm not sure what to do. I still support it and buy him clothes and help him with makeup and everything. But he stills goes through stages where he'll get upset with me and say he doesn't want to be this way anymore! Am I wrong by supporting this when he feels so guilty? I'm Christian as well, but I still love him unconditionally and want to see him happy. But I'm getting mixed signals. I just need help from fellow CDers on how I can help him love himself the way I love him...

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi melansia,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Lots of information available here and lots of supportive friendly people who hopefully can help you understand some of the issues you and your boyfriend are facing.

First, just to make sure we understand, you are a natal female (born) and you are basically your boyfriends significant other. I assume that's what your saying. I'm asking because your gender and gender selection are different and that usually means you're the one who is gender variant. There's no problem, we just want to make sure who were talking to and that we use the right pronouns.

That said, while cross-dressing is not quite as involved as people considering or pursuing transitioning, it still has a number of issues that have to be considered. The first is, we always recommend that people here who have gender identity issues consider seeing a trained and qualified therapist. Often that person can help your boyfriend through the issues of acceptance and doubt.

Next, sometimes it's helpful to know just how involved your boyfriend is in cross-dressing. Does he only do it in private (with or without you), or is he considering going 'public' in some ways (just underclothes, or more open as some here are)? If it's totally private, you should have very little problems, because what you do is nobody else's business unless you want it to be their's.

If he is considering going public, I would strongly recommend him seeing a therapist, because, in all honesty there are a number of people here who felt they were cross-dressers and upon discussing it openly with a therapist, decided that they needed to explore fully transitioning.

I'd (and others here, too) would be happy to answer any other specific questions you might have.

We're glad you're here and you are accepting of your boyfriend's life. That's very important.

Hugz

Chloë

[Guest JaniceW]

Melansia,

Chloe has given you some very good information, please consider it carefully.

I would just like to add that it is not unusual at all for a person to go through a process of accepting and comming to terms with who they are. It often goes through a time when they come to acknowledge that they are a CD/TG/TS and then the real difficult part begins. In this phase we often have a period where we do NOT accept this part of ourselves and we fight hard to deny it. We deal with a lot of guilt and feelings of being less than human. During this time the most helpful our friends and family can be is to support us and to remind us that we are not abominations of nature, as we come to believe this for ourselves. It sure sounds like your SO is in this stage right now.

This is why Chloe suggested the services of a gender therapist. A GT is trained to help us to work through our self doubt and self examination and to insure that we don't come to false conclusions through wishful thinking or other dillusions or misdirections. This can be a very rough time for relationships as your SO is having trouble accepting who they really are inside and that makes it very difficult to fully participate in a relationship. Over time the situation will settle and your SO will come to terms with their inner self and hopefully come to accept who they truly are.

Your commitment and support for your SO is laudable and can surely only help your SO in this self discovery process.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Melansia - oh my!

You are such a loving person to your bf. I might throw you off here, but our terms and conditions require us to use appropriate pronouns, and here on Laura's we use the feminine for cross dressers because they are usually the ones posting so... grin, here goes.

Your bf is really expressing her admiration for people in general, and especially feminine side of living. She gets a relaxation and a special joy out of cross dressing [she will describe this to you when she gets more comfortable talking about it]. And the good part of all this, is you are sharing in all that by not being judgmental at all.

That is such a good thing.

BUT

The bad part is she is carrying a lot of shame and even a bit of self-loathing with her, because she thinks (has been taught) there is only an all male, or an all female role, GOD wants us to follow. This needs to be addressed.

First, the quotations in the Bible, likely to come your way, are actually out of context. It was considered against the Old Testiment laws - and these are code of conduct laws - to wear the clothing of the other gender - BUT it means it is forbidden 'as a disguise' or to 'deceive.'

Your bf's crossdressing is just her being herself at the time. She wouldn't deceive anyone showing her true nature, her need to be seen as the feminine side she so loves to express.

So that needs to be settled. At this time, explain (1) crossdressers are probably born as they are (2) she is not alone, and it is estimated as many as one male in 100 secretly crossdressers (3) what she is is perfectly okay (4) if she accepts herself the guilt goes away (5) crossdressers are almost always heterosexual (5) she can live a full and satisfying life with you, and that last part is particularly priceless!

So just smile and keep saying 'no big deal!' Keep telling her you love her dearly.

And if she does pass well, shop as girlfriends. If she doesn't pass well, you can help her shop in male mode. But be a team.

DON'T worry about if she is really transgender, not right now. If those doubts come up, you will probably stay with her anyway. And if there are continuing doubts in her head after all that - yes - therapy is the best thing, a psychologist NOT a Psychiatrist! Preferably on trained in gender dysphoria.

I hope this helps

Lizzy

[Guest melansia]

Thank you all! My bf does occasionally dress under his 'male' clothes. I actually suggested that. We had been fighting for a few days and she was stressed so I suggested she wear my panties (of her choosing) under her pants when we went out. She was slot more flirty and less uptight the whole night! Then felt guilty for liking it. I also talked her into getting some outfits.. That turned into me shopping for her while she sat home anxiously waiting to see what I got. Ive also allowed it to become a huge part of our sex life. Ive realized seeing my bf dressed is a bit of a turn on because she gets so into it. And I'm really not uncomfortable with it at all. (I wouldn't be on this site if I was) I just want him to feel comfortable. She said she feels less of a man for doing it and is scared i will no longer see her as the male role model (I have two children ages 4 and 2) I tell her they don't need to know even if we are together when they're older. And I still see him as a man when he isn't dressed and her as 'alexis' (her name when she's dressed).. I don't know. I thought it was going to be simple because I accept this. But it's more complicated trying to get her to accept herself.. She doesn't want to see a therapist. She just thinks it's a phase and it will go away one day. I suggest so many things for her (shaving legs, hair and makeup, glue on nails) because she only wore clothes before. Now she loves it more but feels more guilty and says she'll stop everytime afterward. I don't understand why this is so hard for her to accept:(

[Guest JaniceW]

Melansia,

I can understand your confusion about what your SO is going through. Let me try to relay a bit about myself and perhaps that can help you to see some of your SO too.

Less than a year ago I finally "came out" to myself. By that I mean that I admitted that there was something going on for me other than simple curiosity. Prior to this I had spent my entire life denying that any of this was anything other than my being curious about what is would be like to be female. I would dress, spend some time dressed, then undress and swear that I would never do that again. I felt dirty and guilty for having done it. I felt like my needing to do it was pathological and represented something very wrong with my mind. I wanted, more than anything, to have the urge go away and never return again. While these feelings were, in some way, partially caused by how I thought others would think about it, the feelings were all mine and came from inside of me.

After I came out to myself and admitted that I had questions about my gender identity that I needed to work through, I went through a process that I now call my "accepting" myself. I had reached the point where I admitted that something was going on, but I didn't like it and I didn't approve of it, essentially I did not accept myself, I knew who I was but didn't accept it. I hated this thing about me and wanted it to go away forever. With my acceptance I changed to believing that there is no pathology involved with this, it is just who I am and it is OK to be me. It was the work with my gender therapist that helped me to come to terms with things and to truly accept myself for who I am.

Part of your SO's resistance to therapy maybe the denial that they are feeling inside, that there is nothing to figure out and no reason to seek help. Truth is that the guilt and shame that she feels is more than enough reason to get things figured out.

[Guest kimberly c]

Hi Melansia, if I was not married you would be the girl for me.Any crossdresser that has a girlfriend or wife that is supportive is very lucky.

I have been dressing many years, the feelings never go away,you must accept your true self. I wear panties everyday,shave my body

and dress anytime the mood strikes. My wife is supportive and lingerie has been part of our sex life at all times. My wife has both

a husband and a girlfriend. Your bf need to accept his feminine side.

Love Kim

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Melansia

Grin - yes! Why is it so hard to get her to accept? Because she is conflicted.

GET HER ON HERE if you can.

Explain we are just regular people and can help. Maybe she will see us as we are, "caring human beings that do just fine in life - thank you."

I bet she thinks we are just a bunch of freaks! GRIN.

I didn't know WHAT to think when I first got on Laura's 2 1/2 years ago - Drag Queens? Fetish worshipers? People looking for dates?

Duhhhhhhhhh

We are a support group - highly moderated. NONE OF anything I was fearful of...

We are non-judgmental and totally understanding.

...........

See what you can do.

Her feelings and needs are actually never going to go away. It's what she is.

What she is is totally okay.

...........

Lizzy

[Guest Emily H]

It sounds to me like the only thing that is bothering her is the christian upbringing.

A few things to consider about the Christian Bible.

This book was written in a time when it was perfectly acceptable to have slaves. Women were basically servants to men. It was perfectly fine to kill somebody over religion. If a son disobeyed their fathers, then they should be stoned to death. If you worked on a Sunday, then you should be stoned to death. A woman's word had no say at all unless a man backed her up. Being gay was considered an abomination, as well as crossdressing.

Interestingly enough, that bold piece is the only bit of friendly advice from the bible that I mentioned above, that people use today. As one group of comedians pointed out to people on the street, who, were horrified by quotes of stoning children and people who worked on Sundays yet were perfectly fine with saying being gay is wrong, "How do you pick apart what applies today and what doesn't? Is there an asterisk after those lines, and at the bottom is says 'Does not apply in the 21st century world'?"

My point in saying that is, its should be all or nothing. Picking and choosing on any level, would clearly not be what a God wanted. You BF should not be worried, really. A few of the deadly sins, Lust, Pride, Envy, are natural human emotions. The want to crossdress, is also a natural feeling that comes from within who somebody is. Why would any God create people with desires and intents, and then tell them they must betray all of those desires?

I'm not at all trying to dismantle or attack any religious beliefs, my own perspective, is that the christian bible was written by people, and over the many years of its existence, has been translated and edited by various rulers, all of whom, at the time, put in the societal norms everyone agreed with- killing non-believers in gruesome ways, treating women as second-class citizens, owning slaves, and hating on people who dared to leave the binary system of Male/female.

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi melansia,

Let me add my thoughts to the others. I'm a cross-dresser, probably bordering on transsexualism, but I've decided to go no farther. However, I'm also 63 and for the first 20 or 30 years of knowing what I was, I kept hoping that it would 1. GO AWAY! 2. If not GO AWAY! at least die down enough so it wouldn't matter 3. At least not keep popping up every week - or more.

Guess what? None of that ever happened, while I served in the military, married, had a child, divorced, married again, and had two more children. Went to college, got a graduate degree, worked a lot of places, won some awards along the way. Now I'm grandfather to two. It doesn't go away, it doesn't get less over the years (probably it gets more!!!). It is there and will be until the day I die. And I am living as normal a life as I can, outwardly one gender, inwardly and privately as another.

So a number of years ago, 32 or 33, I came out to my current spouse. She knows I do it, is still a little confused by it, but I have remained committed, monogamous, parental, economically supportive, loving, so...she accepts it.

I came out to my mother recently. Her response was that she thinks my father (who died tragically when I was 4) might have been bi. But he was committed, monogamous, parental, economically supportive, loving. (gee, is there a pattern here?)

Get Alexis to at least read these responses, then encourage her to come on here. And we will bore her to tears about how similar all our lives have been to hers. And, you know, sometimes that can be a little of downer, to realize you're not particularly special. Yet, in the long run, it's only good for you to realize - you aren't alone by a longshot. And you are actually special but in ways you didn't know fully.

I wasn't ashamed of myself when I found this place, but it's making me bolder in my beliefs and expectations of society. No reason for her to be ashamed either.

Hugz

Chloë

[Guest Susan57]

Hi Melansia,

I am not Bible toter but was raised Christian and experienced guilt... If your bf is progressing toward possibly understanding that he may be trans I found some references to Bible quotes at another site that may relieve some guilt...Matthew 19:12, Isaiah 56:4-5, Mark 9:46-47 and Acts 8:26-39. My own experience is that at 22 I did not know what I had and by time I was 40 I thought that getting married would fix me. Surprise, it did not. I ended up causing alot of unnecessary pain for those around me which is not totally resolved to this day. I hope he can really sort himself out before getting settled. It is all very difficult and you do sound like a very loving person. I wish you the very best in figuring out what to do. Therapy is probably the best first step. It was the best thing I have done and I think most here would agree. Truely, truely my best wishes to you, ...really. hugs

Sincerly,

Susan

[Guest melansia]

Wow you all are really helpful! I'm trying to get her to check this site out, so far no luck. She keeps saying this "problem" of hers is going to ruin our relationship. She came over last night and said she was determined to stop because I need man in my life.. I tell her it's fine. I would help with hair and makeup and shopping if I wasn't supportive! I don't know how else to prove im okay with it. But thank you all for your views. I really appreciate it:)

[Guest SamanthaJane]

Melansia, first of all, God BLESS you. I'm 24 now and what you've shared with us thus far really hit home. I come from the same religious background, even being very involved in church as to give the sermon now and again. Since I've crossdressed since I was about 12 I had always felt the guilt and self-condemnation. (which now I realize is not an uncommon thing at all)

Had a breakthrough last Summer where I actually realized I was thankful for my cd side, as it had played a huge part in molding who I would eventually become. I am a better "man" than I would have been otherwise. If we were all "real men" in that sense, we would all be aggressive, emotionally closed off dysfunctional people. I say a "real man" strives not only to be strong, but compassionate and understanding.

While still having my faults, my wife is constantly assuring me of her appreciation for my willingness to be emotionally available to her, and sensitive to her needs and wants. Same thing in other areas of my life, friends and family have always been drawn to me for support and counsel.

To get a touch theological, I believe that man (as a species, not a gender) is created in God's image. All the traits and emotions we share have one source. We are taught that there is no stronger, more compassionate being in the universe.

That being said, crossdressing for me has been a type of release, that allows me to express the side of me that society at large says I cannot "be that way" if indeed I am a man. If a man acts effeminate he is labeled in a negative connotation. It is about so much more than the clothes, it is a matter of freedom of expression. The clothes serve as a conduit to unlock my "complete" self.

I found self acceptance. For me it was a journey of self exploration to figure out who I was, lots of interaction with my sisters here on Laura's playground, and a loving wife who was willing to love me regardless of how I chose to express myself.

Alexis sounds lovely, and she is every bit as much a "man" as anyone else (as it sounds being able to fill that designation is important). You both are fortunate to have each other, and I hope that she understands that there can be room for the three of you, without fear of failing a typecast "role" in your relationship.

Any of us would be happy to welcome Alexis here to talk about whatever she wants to.

[Guest StaceyS]

Melansia,

I'd start by telling him whatever he decides is fine by you, so there's not pressure for him to make an immediate decision and stick with it. But I'd lovingly let him know how normal it is for him to change his mind back and forth. From what I know, virtually all cross dressers go through one or more phases of throwing out all their clothes and swearing off dressing for life. He should know that and he should know that the desire to cross dress just does not seem to go away for most, even when they quit cold turkey. So it is very normal to start back up again sooner or later. He might also want to know that a bunch CDs are in successful long term marriages (I'm one) and it can work just fine, kids and all. He might want to chill a bit and try to give himself some time and slack to learn to like who he is while deciding who he wants to be.

Good luck!

Stacey

[Guest Jamie Lynn Star]

Few years back I had a gf, she learned about me dressing but didnt say a thing

So one ttime when I stayed with her, she lived in close by town, I took a few of my fem clothes.

We got to talking and she wanted to see me dressed. So I did

I came into the front room She looked and then went OMG

She said ok now get out of them I dont want you in tehm around me

Im not sure but I think I looked a lil to pretty for her and she is a bigger woman

we re still friends bvut dont see each other much

Its to bad a lot of her clothes did fit me

JLS

[Guest Jenny C]

Dear Melansia, you're so sweet... And both of you are real cute ;-)

I would simply recommend to go at his pace... There is no emergency here ;-)

You're open and Loving and that is what is essential...

Let's say someone has a resistance about something and you try to force him/her in another direction, you deprive him/her of his liberty and than he/she'll want to go in another direction... or will feel pressured or will be frustrated...

So the more pressure you put in a direction or another, the more resistance there is...

You know, as other have said, most of us tangoed with some contradictory desires all our life... It's not unusual after a life of thinking we are not ok... A life of having to hide and all, to have such contradictory feelings...

Your openness is the most precious gift you are giving her... But give her time to decide for herself, to explore all the role she wants to explore... And the same for you ;-)

In the end, regardless of our biology, we have both masculine and feminine persona, traits and qualities... You are both on the path of completeness ;-)

So let her blossom at her own speed...

If take the most marvelous flower in the world, and force it open, you'll destroy it's beauty ;-)

Final comment : I had the privilege at a moment of my life to have a girlfriend who was as open as you... We knew at the beginning we could not make our life together for some reasons (nothing to do with the present subject)... but we decided to continue as long as we could... The bounding that got between us is eternal... You have such a great attitude !!!! She had the same one... When we went shopping together, she always pretended we were shopping for her... and we had a code... If it is beautiful, it was for her, if it was pretty, it was for me... Moments we will never forget...

So I wish you the best, incredible Souls,

Love,

Jenny

[Guest Jenny_W]

Melansia,

I just wanted to say that what you are doing for your bf is really great. Having someone as supportive as you is a HUGE thing - and it is the most important thing in helping your SO feel less guilty about herself. I only told my wife about my dressing after we had decided to separate (for other reasons). We had been married for 8 years and I felt like I had nothing to lose since the marriage was over. Gosh, I wish I had told her the first week that I had met her - she was so accepting and it brought us closer that we had been in years. Now we laugh about it but I regret not having that support for the years that I was feeling so much shame.

Guilt - there's another thing that all CDers have felt during their lives! Most dressers grow up thinking that what they are doing is 'wrong' or 'weird'. Nothing could be further from the truth! It will take patience, support and acceptance for her to feel that there's nothing wrong with her dressing, and you are playing a very important and caring role. The world needs more people like you are able to accept people for who they are!

Anyway, enough of my rant - give her time and continued support and you can't go wrong.

Jenny

[Guest Clair Dufour]

Don't ever confuse crossdressing with being Gay. If he was gay you would know it. What some men desire is the same desire women have and that is to have kids and a life outside the home. In short they want the same things you want. That can be a good thing. If you haven't noticed, some men don't domesticate very well much less change thousands of diapers and all that other womens work. On the other hand, that can be seen in some of the posts here, some women only want to have a traditional relationship which is a hard thing to get anymore with both parents working.There is growth for both of you in this relationship.

[Guest alexiaannalise]

Melansia see i have the exact opposite of ur problem i have told my girlfriend almost a year ago and were still together but she doesn't really wanna talk about it and i have became one with my male side and Alexia and we coexsist very well together and she has a tough time being hidden alot but knows she cant come out till we get some actual clothes other than her panties bra and stockings but any way im starting to ramble

Alexia Annalise