Difficulty Getting A Job

[Guest MelissaC]

Alright, before I begin I'd like to make it clear that this actually is NOT my own question, I'm asking on the behalf of a friend who is the son of a MTF woman who has recently begun making a lot of progress into transitioning.

And before you ask, I'm incapable of simply directing my friend to Laura's Playground because I only know him at another online forum, and that forum forbids (as part of their rules) linking to (or mentioning) other forums and sites. So yeah, this is going to be a dreadfully complicated workaround with me asking his questions and delivering back answers, but I couldn't think of any better way to do it.

Now to begin:

My friend has, as far as I can tell, been making a wonderful effort to support this transition. Unfortunately his mother has not been showing much (or any) restraint with the transition. She's been blowing through money on clothes and letting bills pile up, and is apparently causing a lot of awkwardness with a new and very extreme girly personality. Now I understand how the transition and shopping and stuff can get lost in the excitement and get a bit out of control immediately after beginning transition (heck, I've been through that myself), but his mother is being dangerously extreme with it. She was apparently hospitalized from a lack of food (because all her money is going to clothes) and since being let out of the hospital has not learned her lesson and is doing the same thing. So question number one is how to help him help her build some restraint?

Now, second is the matter of the GT. They've found one, but that GT wants his mother to hold a job for awhile before he (or she, I don't know much about the GT actually so I'm not sure) will help. That's been difficult, because she has (as was described to me) "very little skill range" and epilepsy, and on top of that is refusing to work as male, even if it's just for awhile, so finding a job hasn't worked out yet. Question number two is about the job hunt, because I've never had to deal with any of those three restrictions myself. I have a feeling the only way to make it work is going to be for her to compromise and work in male-mode for awhile.

Phew, that was a lot of typing. Bedtime now...

[Guest LuRay]

To be honest, the young lady in question needs to compromise. She can't expect to go into a job as a female without being able to back it up, most employment agencies in my area will ask for references from people who have known you in a work or educational capactiy for more that 2 years. I worked 3/4 years through college in my teens and when I left for university, I had a quiet word with my manager and my college tutor. Explaining the situiaton, I asked if they'd be happy to provide references using female pronouns.

That was just over 10years ago, and long story short - they both agreed to help and thus I had the foundations to start my working life properly. I know it's not what they want to hear, but they need to be flexible until they are in a position where they don't have to be.

[Guest Audrey Elizabeth]

Yup, that was a lot.

Well to be truthful there really is not much you can do. Sometimes people are just people. The only thing your friend can do for his mother is to just love her and accept her for the way she is. I think that the process of finding yourself can take many different paths and one of them is to go to extremes. It makes sense to why if you think about it. You hold yourself in for so long that when you finally allow yourself to be yourself you come out of the gate at full speed. I would think from what your wrote that might explain the extreme fem behavior, excessive shopping and just generally being out of control. Also, I think there is a inner thought that it will not last and someone is going to put you back in your box. But the big thing is that transitioning not only lets out the inner you but all the baggage and issues that accumulated or even caused by suppressing yourself for so long.

I think the mother just needs to feel some stability which is why all I can suggest for the son is to just lovingly support her and somehow let her know she is all right and that she is truly free. Also try to focus on the good things she does and not so much on the bad. Having a positive environment can do wonders.

Since I am not really involved there is no way to know what your friend should do, but I hope something I said helps.

Audrey

[Drea]

Is your friend also trans, or is it just your friends parent?

My friend has, as far as I can tell, been making a wonderful effort to support this transition. Unfortunately his mother has not been showing much (or any) restraint with the transition. She's been blowing through money on clothes and letting bills pile up, and is apparently causing a lot of awkwardness with a new and very extreme girly personality. Now I understand how the transition and shopping and stuff can get lost in the excitement and get a bit out of control immediately after beginning transition (heck, I've been through that myself), but his mother is being dangerously extreme with it. She was apparently hospitalized from a lack of food (because all her money is going to clothes) and since being let out of the hospital has not learned her lesson and is doing the same thing. So question number one is how to help him help her build some restraint?

By mother, I assume you mean the MTF here. It just seems odd, but if this is how your friend refers to her, guess that is your friend's choice. It does seem like the person in this case has gone a bit overboard without any restraint. I wish I could say I haven't seen it happen before where an MTF seems to flip a switch, suddenly becomes irresponsible, and acts out in ways making people feel uncomfortable. It's the sort of thing that tends to make family not accept and is the stuff that often get wrapped into negative stereotypes.

Now, second is the matter of the GT. They've found one, but that GT wants his mother to hold a job for awhile before he (or she, I don't know much about the GT actually so I'm not sure) will help.

I can't say I have heard of a therapist that won't see someone just because of their employment status. Perhaps the issue isn't a job as much as the person expecting the therapist to lower rate to something very small, or it is just an excuse.

In any case your friend can't do much about their parent's behavior. I wouldn't know where to start. As others suggested, the person will most likely need to compromise a bit or at least tone down behavior to level where people aren't feeling uncomfortable. It is possible to get a job without references but it is more difficult. One way of overcomming the experience/reference issues is being able to present onself well when interviewing and there needs to be some good explainations for lack for experience. For someone young that isn't hard, for an adult who has children that can be harder to explain.

[Carolyn Marie]

Melissa, I doubt if your friend's mother has much chance of finding a job as a woman, since her Social Security, Driver's License and any other legal identification is likely to have her male ID. No legitimate employer is going to hire someone without seeing 1-2 forms of identification.

She really needs to be in therapy, either with a G.T. or general therapist, if her behavior is risking her health and well being. I agree with Drea, the attitude of the G.T. seems a bit off, but they may know something that we don't about this person.

This situation doesn't sound good at all. If the woman can't get herself under control, I see a crash and burn in her future, and it won't be pretty. Good luck.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest MelissaC]

Thanks for the help everyone. I somewhat expected responses like this, and it's pretty much what I told him. The GT... I didn't really understand why they're demanding that either. Maybe there's a reason, I don't really know.

And Drea, in response to your question only his parent is trans. My friend is not.