Gender Fluidity Or Purgatory?

[Guest JesseY]

There are times when I enjoy being able to look somewhat feminine or somewhat masculine, and other times, it seems like a social curse. While I understand that we shouldn't let others form our self image, how you are perceived by others is something completely different.

I've identified as an androgyne for the past 12 years, but over the past year, I've been questioning myself. As a female-bodied person, I don't feel like a woman (but at the same time, I know I'm not an alpha man), and as I interact with people every day, I've been trying to force myself to be a woman, to make my gender identity nearly undetectable and to make sure no one questions my functionality as a person. But that does not seem to be working. My personality and social functioning is more like a man's; no matter how hard I try, I cannot pick up the social skills or functioning to make it as a woman.

In essence, I feel like a failure at adulthood. In the times I interact with others who are not my friends, I feel as if I'm being viewed as an inept woman or just an aberration.

What I am probably saying makes no sense, or else I appear to be rambling. What I'm asking is, how do you deal with your gender when interacting with people who only see "men" or "women," and nothing in between? Do you try to be one or the other? What if the closest and most comfortable gender isn't what's associated with your sex?

[Guest Elizabeth K]

The androgynous part of my transitioning was by far the worst. I don't have an answer, as it seems society has decreed you must fit 100% on one side of the fence or the other. Otherwise they just sit in judgment.

Lizzy

[Guest Hydraxide]

Some days I wake up wishing I was female. Other days I'm ok with being male. This is why I've not actually transitioned because I feel I am neither. I'm drawn towards being female as I've always wanted to be delicate and attractive rather than masculine. However I have no way to tell if I would be any happier as a female than a male and while this indecision is there I'm not going to do anything reckless. I have been mistaken for female when I wear tight clothes and have my hair down, but only when my face is obscured; I always found it flattering. As time goes by of course, male hormones have more effect and while I could easily get away with being andro in looks when I was in my teens and early twenties, its not easy any more.

Toying with getting facial hair removed permanently as that is something I really hate. Sadly biology doesn't recognise a third gender and dumps you firmly in one or the other, at least without any chemical intervention it does. Same goes for society, its one or the other and the vast majority of people aren't aware there is any alternative to the binary.

Long story short, it sucks.

[Guest Chrysee]

Being disabled does have one advantage: I am for the large part isolated. I do not have to squeeze myself into a work place amidst a herd of people who are going to puzzle over 'What is it?' Too, I recall something that I learned in recovery: 'What other people think of you is none of your business!'

I juggle with the male/female thing within me and try to cope with the frustration of trying to 'settle' on one or the other. I love all things feminine as it was what I was denied/denied myself for so many years. I find, more and more, that if I go for even a couple of days in jeans and a man's shirt, with no make up, that I feel just awful. If I add a tie to the man's shirt and swap the jeans for a skirt, however, then I feel rather special. I mean who else but an androgyne would dare go out the door like that? Or want to?

I can't imagine transitioning to a full time woman nor would I ever wish to go back to just being male. Neither are me. Like Popeye: "I am what I am."

And the rest of the world can either take or leave me.

Thanks for reading,

Cissy

[Guest Micha]

There are times when I enjoy being able to look somewhat feminine or somewhat masculine, and other times, it seems like a social curse. While I understand that we shouldn't let others form our self image, how you are perceived by others is something completely different.

I've identified as an androgyne for the past 12 years, but over the past year, I've been questioning myself. As a female-bodied person, I don't feel like a woman (but at the same time, I know I'm not an alpha man), and as I interact with people every day, I've been trying to force myself to be a woman, to make my gender identity nearly undetectable and to make sure no one questions my functionality as a person. But that does not seem to be working. My personality and social functioning is more like a man's; no matter how hard I try, I cannot pick up the social skills or functioning to make it as a woman.

In essence, I feel like a failure at adulthood. In the times I interact with others who are not my friends, I feel as if I'm being viewed as an inept woman or just an aberration.

What I am probably saying makes no sense, or else I appear to be rambling. What I'm asking is, how do you deal with your gender when interacting with people who only see "men" or "women," and nothing in between? Do you try to be one or the other? What if the closest and most comfortable gender isn't what's associated with your sex?

Makes perfect sense to me, I could prolly say about the same for myself.

I don't know how to deal with people and their binary based perspective. Since I cannot pass as female, people see me as and expect me to be male. When they get to know me, the jokes about being a closeted gay come about. When I don't get offended or react negatively about it, it seems no one knows what to make of me. I want so much to go into why I have to act a certain way based on genetalia, but it's really not an issue I'm prepared to tackle. So they just leave my akwardness alone, maybe continue with the jokes, or just don't pay me much attention at all. I guess this may contribute to people's treating me like I'm anti social or unfriendly, but that's not the case, that's not why I am the way I am to them.

If I could be the way I see myself in my mind, I desperatley hope things would be different. Maybe it'd make more sense to people if I could look the part, and my behavior wasn't as influenced by testosterone and decades of male conditioning. Then maybe they would seme and be like "what the. . ." and then I could be more straight up with them. Dunno, but life in a world of binaries would be much less complicated if I could match at least one of them. I can't, and that leaves akwardness and unresolved issues, and I really don't know how to deal with it.

[Guest Jo-I-Dunno]

I don't know. When people tell me about their goals, complaints, and fears (here on Laura's and out in the world in-general), I can't help but notice how my life is the opposite of everyone's.

When I was young I was a skinny little boy completely uninterested in the people and activities around me. I had ideas and opinions that threw people off-balence, and that intrigued everyone. People liked me because I was weird. "Mysterious" would probably be a better term. Personality-wise I was pretty androgynous in-that I was unlike anyone else and didn't fit in either role.

My point is I've always been myself and people seem to like me more than I care to like back. I can't imagine there being consequences for acting one way or another, so long as you're kind and considerate. I mean, I'm sure it happens a lot, but it's never happened to me so it's hard to put myself in that position.

Maybe it's just where I live, but what do people expect women that not doing makes you feel like a failure? Pop culture has always taught me to appreciate women who defy their societal expectations.

Chicago has a large LGBT population and I see people quite often who I can't place as male or female. No one seems to care. Maybe if we're self-conscience, we project that onto other people and imagine they're judging us way more than they actually are.

Sorry, I'm having trouble organizing my thoughts tonight.

Anyway, my advice is to go about your life and not think about it too hard. The world's so complex that we might as well treat it like it's simple.

[Guest Pica Pica]

I would assume that the best way of dealing with people is each one individually, not to try and deal with other people and grand general ways and hope they do the same back. Then, instead of looking like an inept woman you would appear a completely ept you,