Is My Mom Right?

[Guest Carter L]

Hey all.

I know I'm not post-op, but this is a post-op question. I was arguing with my mom a few months back, and a topic here reminded me of something she said. She's really bigoted about Trans stuff, and says everyone's "freaks" and "messed up" ...but something she had maybe has a little validity, based on two of the topics I've seen in this thread. She said to me that every Transperson who finishes transition is never truly happy again and is depressed all the time and regrets it. Now, I don't know about the lack of happiness or regret, but what about depression? Why would you ever be depressed now that you have what you've always needed?

Thanks,

Carter

Edited April 20, 2011 by Carolyn Marie
one suggested epithet removed, per T & Cs

[Guest Krisina]

Lol how would she know that "every" transperson is "never" truly happy depressed and regrets it. Ignore her. The stats show only 4 percent are unhappy with their decision. Maybe someone who knows more than me could quote it. I am not post op/ pre hrt but your new post caught my eye.

Krisina

[JJ]

Carter,

There is no guarantee that transitioning will cure depression. We have all been through a lot because we are trans and most of us have depression issues that may still crop up because of that BUT studies have shown that we tend to actually be less depressed than the general population after transition. Perhaps because we appreciate the everyday experiences in our lives. We realize what we have and appreciate it. There is also sometimes a depression reported to follow transition and surgery but it is the "Now what?" type that many experience when a major life goal has been achieved and you are forced to find new goals in life. not limited to being trans and it passes.

Whether we are actually less depressed than the general population after transition or not I don't know but one thing I do know is that we are much less depressed and much better adjusted after transition than before if that is what we need to do. For some of us there is no choice. A gender therapist can help you determine what's right for you. But don't buy all the stereotypes. There are many, many transpeople who successfully transition and go on to live ordinary lives as ordinary people except for the one extraordinary fact that they started life in a different gender body.

Hopefully some day your mom will come to see and accept the truth.

[Carolyn Marie]

Carter, as often happens in these days of the Blogosphere, when something gets repeated often enough,

it becomes "fact" in the minds of many. Like the "fact" that the President wasn't born in the U.S.,

and the "fact" that the Mayans predicted the end of the world in 2012. What your mother said is

another of those kinds of "facts."

Do some post-op transfolk get depressed? Sure. Do they all get depressed? I don't think so, but I haven't talked to "every" transperson. Has she?

Oh, and the President, he was born in the U.S., but his parents were Martians. Believe me, I read it on the Internet.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest JaniceW]

Carter,

A few years ago I had to take a course at university named Critical Thinking and it was all abut how to critically evaluate what you read and/or hear for valid or invalid arguments. One of the absolute rules for dismissing anything was if it says all or none about any group then doubt it totally because there is nothing that is all or none.

Additionally, if you look at trans folks you find the whole cross section of different people that you see in the general population. Some people battle with depression and others do not. The same is true for trans folks whether they are pre-op, post-op, or non-op some deal with depression and others do not. Fixing GID does not fix depression, although it may remove "ONE" of the many factors that trigger depression.

[Guest John Chiv]

Carter,

If one thinks transitioning will fix everything it will not. Any non-trans issues one had before transition will still be there if they are not addressed. Will transitioning fix everyone's GID? Depends on the person, their expectations, the individual. Surgery and hormones can only do so much.

A good therapist is essential and the place for such questions.

We as individuals can only offer opinions. We are not trained medical or mental health professionals. People responding so far have made some excellent points. Ultimately it is our responsibility for all decisions in life. Something as major as the decison to transition, if there is doubt or uncertainty, I hope someone would not transition. Even therapists and doctors are human.

There are people who accept me since I started transition and accepted me before I started identifying as my true self ; there are some that never will even after surgery. What remains constant is that I am a man and was a man at birth despite the body I was born with. I am certain of that on days I get affirmation from others and I am certain of that on days I do not get that response.

Can't tell you if my age has anything to do with it because I have wanted this for a long time but there were other reasons that delayed this and acceptance of myself was not one of those reasons. I am 47 and what changed for me was that I got tired of those other reasons and I decided I had to take this step despite those reasons.

What changed was that I stated who I was, accepted who I was, and then told people I want my body to match my mind and soul for me and not them. No matter what it takes and how long, I will succeed.

Will transition and only transition give me everything I need? No. It is not all that defines my life nor is it the only thing that would make my life complete.

John

[Guest Leah1026]

I know I'm not post-op, but this is a post-op question. I was arguing with my mom a few months back, and a topic here reminded me of something she said. She's really bigoted about Trans stuff, and says everyone's "freaks" and "messed up" ...She said to me that every Transperson who finishes transition is never truly happy again and is depressed all the time and regrets it.

And she would know this how?

I'm coming up on 4 years since SRS and I'm still HAPPY and WHOLE.

:sticks tongue out at your mom:

[Guest N. Jane]

She said to me that every Transperson who finishes transition is never truly happy again and is depressed all the time and regrets it...

Is that so? I guess I didn't get that memo

Prior to SRS/transition I was deeply depressed, miserable, and suicidal for many years.

In the 37 years SINCE SRS/transition I will admit that not every day has been sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows but my worst days since then are still better than my average day before. What SRS/transition did was to allow me to be myself, TOTALLY myself, and that gave me the ability to cope with the bad times. My average day since is ten times better than my best days before. And my best days since are WAY beyond anything I could ever have imagined before.

I am glad your mother is such an authority. Have her contact me - maybe she can convince me to be depressed

[Paula ult]

Carter, you said "She's really bigoted about Trans stuff" if she is as you describe how does she know every post op person is depressed, i doubt she has talked to each one or taken a poll, though i still have a few days till i am post op, i can tell you even now my depression has eased and i am a much happier person, just because you transition does not mean every day is going to be sunny, if you have financial issues, relationship problems etc. those are going to still be there after surgery.

We are not freaks like your mother thinks, we are just regular everyday people that happen to have a medical condition that just want to live normal lives, me thinks your mother watches too many Jerry Springer, Maury Povich or Dr. Phill TV shows.

Paula

[Guest valeriedances]

Hey all.

I know I'm not post-op, but this is a post-op question. I was arguing with my mom a few months back, and a topic here reminded me of something she said. She's really bigoted about Trans stuff, and says everyone's "freaks" and "messed up" ...but something she had maybe has a little validity, based on two of the topics I've seen in this thread. She said to me that every Transperson who finishes transition is never truly happy again and is depressed all the time and regrets it. Now, I don't know about the lack of happiness or regret, but what about depression? Why would you ever be depressed now that you have what you've always needed?

Thanks,

Carter

Hi Carter,

I am very happy with my body, it is simply amazing ...beautiful to me now. I did have some depression this past year because of rejection from men I was dating after disclosure, but it has been a growing opportunity for me and I am in a good place now emotionally. I am happy with life, am still dating (2 dates this week), and enjoying every day.

-Valerie

[Guest Carter L]

Hi, everyone.

Thanks so much for the great replies! I knew based on common sense and through a couple transguys I know that not everyone was, but I saw the influx of topics on depression and wondered if it was more common than I previously thought. Knowing that it's based in previous depression or a "Now what?" feeling helps.

I do have to say, though... Even if someone had told me and had facts to back it up that I was going to be permanently depressed after transitioning? I'd still do it. Just to be right in my body!

Thanks again,

Carter

[Guest Zenda]

Kia Ora Carter,

For the most part your mother is no different from most people "We see what we want to see-hear what we want to hear!"...

No doubt there are post op women who are still suffering from depression-Some will opt to suffer in silence and put on a brave face when out in public...One has to bear in 'mind' depression is a 'disease' and certain types of depression are not easy to cure..It's the fastest spreading disease in the Western world...

It's possible some trans-women who continue to suffer with depression after surgery are the ones who believed that surgery was gonna be the be all and end all of all their worries, only to find it didn't and the same ole problems that fueled their depression like those of 'non acceptance' 'appearance' and 'self worth' still exist...

Like most here, I suffered from depression prior to transitioning, however since transitioning, I've not been depressed, I had my surgery almost 6 years ago but fully transitioned[living 24/7/365] around 10/11 years ago...Any down periods[the woe is me, woe is me type] I had shortly after I started living 24/7 [which were few and far between] didn't last long and these were prior to my having surgery...

Metta Zenda

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Carter:

Man, every one of the transguys I've met so far (both in person and online) are smart, together and cool. For that reason, I beg to differ with your mom. Dude, once you can be financially independent you just may have to distance yourself from her unless she can lighten up. Otherwise, she'll trash your pshcye.

Look, I'm not just talking the talk here. I have definitely walked the walk: I've distanced myself from my adoptive folks for years and years because they were such major downers ... just like your mom is being ... worse, actually. Yeah, it's hard to do, but outside influences profoundly affect every one of us. So, try to surround yourself with positive and caring people if at all possible.

Everybody who posted above is right on the mark. Especially, I'm on board with Zenda though I'm not postop myself and, indeed, may never be. Heck, because of circumstances quite I may get stuck in androgyny. However, that'll do. I say: "Improvise, adjust and adapt."

IMHO, depression is one of the main "products" of the mainstream culture of domination and control which is ever widening and ever intensifying ... by design.

Check this out and then think about it:

http://www.alternativesmagazine.com/54/pollard.html

To me, David Pollards' "Manifesto" is both brilliant and correct. To me, it matches, indeed surpasses, Desiderata.

Back on topic though, your mom is flat-out wrong, dude. You know it. We know it. This is one of those times when you are just going to have to "grin and bear it" but also stick to your convictions and be the guy you really are ... if only privately to yourself ... until you can get out on your own.

You are very well thought of on here, Carter. Just thought you should know that. Remember, "As a man thinketh, so is he." Think highly of YOU.

Peace, man.

Lacey

[Guest kelise]

Well, I'm only 6 moths post-op, but I can tell you I am not in the LEAST BIT depressed over anything trans-related in my life, and you can quote me on that to your mom. In the immediate days following surgery I had what I called the "post-op blues", I thought maybe it was because I had focused so much of my life on transition and now it was over, but later I chalked it up to pain meds. In addition, I can see how someone who has very bigoted family and perhaps loses loved ones over their transition, a situation which if it DOES happen very likely will crescendo when the person has surgery, that loss of family could be the cause of depression (not the surgery itself), and you can quote THAT too. As this did not happen to me, I can't say this first-hand, but can imagine it.

every Transperson who finishes transition is never truly happy again

You can also tell you mom, that I for one was "never truly happy" UNTIL I transitioned completely, and I have been ever since.

[Guest Julie90210]

Nope, not at all true.

There was a year or two that it took me to get over being rejected by most of my relatives, but after that, my problems are pretty much the same as any other "seasoned" woman. And by "seasoned" I mean, "getting old".

What studies =have= shown pretty conclusively is this -- ones satisfaction with SRS is directly correlated to how well one integrates into society after SRS. Coincidentally, this is a general predictor of overall mood ...

Queers often compare "family of choice" to "family of birth". I'd let your Mom know she stands a chance of not being a part of your life if she can't get her act together. Be honest with her -- "Mom, you're very depressing to be around, and I deserve better. Sorry."