Tell Us Your Jokes!

[Guest Donna Jean]

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!”

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

OMG! **sputter** ! Flppst

Well, was he short tempered? (hee hee hee)

BWaahaha...

Donna Jean

[Guest Donna Jean]

I have a lot more music jokes, but here a a couple of funny quotes from musicians.

Ricard Strauss, "Never look at the Trombones, it only encourages them."

Rossini, "Opera would be so much better without all of the singers."

Gustav Mahler to Bruno Walther as they traveled through the Alps, "No need to stare, I've already composed all of this."

An unemployed jazz musician (attributed to a dozen different people), "I like being out of work, you don't have to play music you hate so often."

Sally

Hey, Sally................

Why do bagpipers march?

To get away from the music!!!!!

Donna Jean

[Guest FantazMic]

What kind of cats love the sea?

...Octo-Pussies.

Who is the dogs favourite comedian?

Growlcho Marx.

What's a porcupine's favorite food?

Prickled onions.

...Sorry.

[Guest FantazMic]

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.

"Tiny" replies the man.

"Why's that?" asks the bartender.

"Because he's my newt!"

*stunned silence* ...sorry.

[Guest J-Walker]

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.

"Tiny" replies the man.

"Why's that?" asks the bartender.

"Because he's my newt!"

*stunned silence* ...sorry.

I laughed out loud. XD

[Guest LauderdaleLady]

These days the economy is so bad that when you make a killing on Wall Street, you're investigated for murder.

[Guest RainBird]

"Doctor, Doctor.. I don't know what's wrong with me, Lately I feel like a pack of cards!"

"Well, just shuffle up onto the bed in the corner, I'll deal with you shortly!"

[Guest Donna Jean]

Well....................

My Signifacant One likes to remind me that my parents had 3 kids...........one of each!

(A little TS/TG humor there.. )

"snort" Donna Jean

[Guest Naomi Stardust]

darn it, i can never remember a good joke when i need it,

well i remember the dirty ones!

how about these:

how many jay walking tickets can you get before they take away your shoes

did you know Hemingway's brother was also a writer

he wasn't successful though

he just wasn't Earnest!

how does a dog with no nose smell?

Bad!

two psychotherapist having an argument

one says to the other

"You Freudian motheeeemotheerum...huh..oops can't say that one...

(darn it that's my favorite)

morning wood (can i say that? if not just censor it... sigh)

i have better things to do with my mornings

than standing on my head to pee!

a haiku

in the waiting room

of the endoscopy center

a book of mazes

another haiku, sorta

flaking sunburn

something dust mites don't get very often

a cooked meal

sign at a pessimists meeting hall

closed weekends

how many (insert group here)s does it take to screw in a light bulb?

well, after wandering around in the dark for an hour and a half

four of us got together and lit a candle!

[Sally]

Yesterday the march against apathy was cancelled due to poor attendence.

I'm going to stop procrastinating - I've put it on my calendar for tomorow.

Sign in front of Our Sisters of Mercy Convent - Trespassers will be prosicuted to the fullest extent of the law!

I used this lotion and it made my elbows smart - you should have rubbed it on your head.

Signs that make you think:

No dogs, except seeing eye dogs - I didn't know that dogs could read!

No shirt, no shoes, no service - my waiter had all of the clothing but I still got no service!

Got to go work is calling and I can't find anywhere to hide,

Sally

[Guest Naomi Stardust]

what do you say to a Buddhist hot-dog vendor?

make me one with everything

who's the chickens favorite composer?

Bach

what kind of music do geologists like?

rock

why does Jesus like doughnuts?

they're holy

did you hear about the orchestra that was struck by lightning?

they had a good conductor

needless to say he was shocked!

this guy came back from Asia with a terrible disease that made his private parts turn black and sore

his doctor said they'd have to amputate it

he got six second opinions and they all said the same thing

finally he tried this old traditional Chinese healer

the doctor listened to the man's story

examined him thoroughly

then shook his head, sighed and said, "when will western medicine ever learn.... that's their solution to everything! just cut it off! well there's actually no need for such drastic measures."

the man was tremendously relieved

the doctor went on, "no need at all to cut it off, you just wait a week and it'll fall off by itself"

one can only hope

this girl walked into a bar

it hurt

did you hear about the new pirate movie?

it's rated arrrrr

here's one i can relate to:

what do cross dressers do for Christmas?

eat drink and be merry (Mary)

ha!

i can relate to that,

i like eating

why didn't the lion cross the road?

she had her pride

what do you call it when a lion eats a tourist?

a stuffed animal!

[Sally]

Well Christmas carols have always promoted cross dressing and homosexuality - I mean, "Don we now our Gay apparel", what else could it mean?

Just the whole Idea of a buch of guys going Caroling! (Could't just one of the be Ruthy?)

For tose of you who remember Redd Skelton there is a visual image of him flapping his arms, "Two seagulls, Gertrude and Heathcliff were flying along and Gertrude said to Heathcliff, 'Have you seen any of those new sports cars?' 'Why, yes, I spotted one this morning!'"

"Take my wife, please!" Henny Youngman, 1933, 34, 35, 36........

Jack Benny was confronted by a man with a gun who demanded, "Your money or your life!" After a minute he shouted, "I said, your money or your life!"

Jack responded, "I'm thinking, I'm thinking!"

Love ya,

Shecky Sally

[Guest mia 1]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says..Hey why the long face? Get it? Oh well!

Celine Dion walked into a bar and the bartender said "Hey why the long face.?

Buster Keaton walked into a bar and the bartender sais "Hey why the long face?"

Margret Dumont walked into a bar and the batender said Key why the long face?

[Guest mia 1]

A blond walks into a bar and say I know the capital of every country in the world.

The bartender says I'll bet you $100.00 you don't.

I'll take the bet says the blonde.

The bartender says what's the capital of Tanzania.

The blonde says "T" Rim Shot!!!!

[Guest Naomi Stardust]

why did the almond and pecan get sent to an asylum?

because they were nuts!

a priest a nun and a rabbi walk in to a bar

the bartender looks up and says:

"what is this a joke!"

[Guest Naomi Stardust]

i think i'm probably not as funny as i think i am but i'm still laughing

(bad girl naomi)

this is how i responded to a concerned friend's email:

On 1/17/09, naomi wrote:

>

>

> -----Original Message-----

> From: naomi

> To: my friend + the poetry group

> Sent: Sat, 17 Jan 2009 12:49 pm

> Subject: Poetry Group!!!!!!

>

> Tuesday January 20 2009

> Inaguration Day!

>

> we'll be having a post inaguration party poetry party!

> facilitated for the first time by (unnamed)

>

> come to (where ever i am) at 7pm

> bring poetry!!!

>

> have a happy saturday

> (naomi)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-----Original Message-----

From: my friend

To: naomi

Sent: Sat, 17 Jan 2009 4:50 pm

Subject: Re: Poetry Group!!!!!!

Hey Naomi,

Are you still under water? What a disaster! But I'm sure your dad

will get some great stuff for his poetry out of this.

Hm. What rhymes with water anyway?

Please let us know if you need something -- we don't have much, but

we're willing to share.

my friend

and my response:

oh... we deperately need you to come to the poetry group tuesday!!!

the flooding missed us... so far

but let me give you a shopping list anyway:

a new car (any hybred will do)

a winning lotto ticket

a couple new t-shirts (blue or light gray or black or purple)

a new mac

books:

all william blakes poetry

all william blakes artwork

all gustav klimpts artwork

thomas disch

ahmed shamlu

toni morison

judy grahn, queen of wands

baudelaire, flowers of evil

kenneth rexroth, woman poets of japan, women poets of china

herman hesse, sidartha

michael mcclure, dolphin skull

denise levertov

joy harjo!!

charles simic

theadore roetheke

william burroughs

lionel kerns

lorca

robert hass

penny harter

yahuda anichai

william carlos williams

lucille clifton

jane kenyon

HD (hilda dolittle)

adrianne rich

marilyn hacker

marie howe, the kingdom of ordinary time

mary kornish

w. s. merwin

edna st. vincent millay

naomi klien

naomi wolf

hemingway

chie o ne

nelson bently

cloria bird

audre lorde

richard hugo

murilo mendes, chaos's window

jennifer finney boylan, i'm looking through you: growing up haunted

mahabarata

vedas

bramhahinas

sanhitas

upanishads

ramayana

the torah

artherian grail mythology

kabbalah

wiccan literature

womwn who run with wolves

v for vendetta

the watchmen

stanislov lem

lester del ray

arthor c clark

harlim ellingson

philip k penis

james clavell, the children's story

barbra hambly, fevor season, sold up the river, circles of the moon

more art books:

rodin

matisse

van gough

dali

kandinsky

george catlin

jasper johns

gauguin

groceries:

ground turkey

gaterade, grape

paper towels (in case the river reaches here)

pens (blue and the kind with 4 different colors in one)

paper pads

hand lotion (with aloe)

tylenol

nitequil (better to have some on hand just in case)

marshmallows

basil

oregano

thyme

an onion

garlic

tabasco (chipotle)

diced ham

precooked chicken strips (southwest seasoned)

little smokies (sausages)

parsly

a can of diced tomatoes

chickem broth

canned plumbs

canned apricots

canned peaches

bananas

a sombreo

green beans canned

tea, earl grey, green, oolong, irish breakfast

french vanila icecream

toothpaste (whitening)

laundry detergint

bubble soap

an umbrella

candles (preferably scented)

corn starch

olive oil

a new spatula

40 pounds of cat food

bird seed

squirrel repelant

nair

rogain

tampons

shampoo

a fishtank

some fish

bottled water

nylons

skittles

microwave popcorn

hot fudge broccilli

napkins

a picnic blanket

lawn chairs

a dozen pink flamingoes

a dozen pink flamingoe eggs

bread

raisins

a turtle

sixteen clarinets

fifteen inner tubes

a unicycle

one shoe

pet shampoo

a flea collar

elmer's glue

a toupee

spandex

a cowboy hat

a crow bar

a hammer

nails

measuring tape

tape worm medicine

lipstick (bright red)

a live turkey

an axe

marbles

someone's birth certificate

a kite

a new appartment

dental floss

and a pack of gum (mint)

thank you

hope to see you tuesday

naomi

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest RainBird]

What's the difference between Aussies and pigs?

Pigs don't turn into Aussies when they drink.

I know a really funny 'little johnny' joke but can't post it here, lol sorry

[Sally]

How many psycologists does it take to change a light bulb? One but the light bulb really has to want to change!

How many union workers does it take to change a light bulb? 42, you got a problem with that?

A friend of mine drove a taxi cab in Honolulu for a few years and told this story:

A Japanese Developer in the islands looking for porporty to build one of his high rise office complexes got into the cab and wanted to go to his hotel, along the way he would ask questions about various buildings, "What's that?", "The Aloha Tower, it took two years to build and at ten stories was the tallest building in the islands at that time." The reply, "We could have built it in six months! What's that?", "That's the new Federal building, it was built in just under seven months." Again the response was, "We could have built it in three months!" They drove along in silence until the man saw the Ala Moana Mall, one of the world's largest open air malls and the man got very excited and tapped the driver on the shoulder, "What's that?" His reponse, "Beats the hell out of me, it wasn't there yesterday!"

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest mia 1]

Knock Knock! Dwayne

Who'd Their?

Dwayne who

Dwayne the bathtub I' Dwoning!

[Sally]

Two peanuts were walking through a dark alley and one was a salted peanut.

How can a woman know if her date is really gay? Ask him what Tiramasu is, if he knows---

How can a woman know if her date is a transsexual? When she gets up to go the the lady's room, her date goes with her!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Christy.dancer]

God comes down from Heaven to the Garden of Eden, and tells Adam and Eve that she still has two talents left in her bag to give out. "Unfortunately," God tells them, "I only have enough to give one of them to each of you. Who wants to go first?"

Well, Eve just nods demurely, smiles and indicates that Adam can go first. With that, God reaches in her bag and says, "Well, Adam, I'm sure you'll enjoy this. It's the talent to be able to pee standing up."

Well, Adam is OVERJOYED. He runs around the Garden of Eden, peeing on all the plants and little animals, marking his territory and basically getting everything wet. He yells, "Oh, this is SOOOO wonderful. Now when I'm out in the fields or with the animals, I won't have to stop what I'm doing to go pee. I can just pee anywhere!!!"

God then looks back in her bag, and turns to Eve, "Well, Eve, I think you'll really like what I have left for you. Its called Multiple Orgasms."

[Guest RainBird]

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American .

He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand.

In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.

He arrived at the Gold Coast, in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call'.

KEEP SMILING

[Guest Kelly Ann]

School starts and the third grade class files in and sits down greeting each other and having a good time. Suddenly the door swings open and in walks the teacher, a rather severe looking middle-aged woman with a look like something smells unpleasant to her. She properly sits down at her desk taps it with a pencil and calls to order for a roll call and everyone settles down. "William Adams"...'Here", "Rebecca Adams"...'Here"...and so it goes until she reaches..."Gladys Martin"...silence..."Gladys Martin". Whereupon she stands up and surveys the class who all look back expectantly until she sits and continues. At the end of roll call she notices theres a small little girl sitting there smiling and kicking her legs back and forth happily that hadn't answered. "AND whom might YOU be child?" the teacher asked to which the child replied, " I'm Happy Heinie Ma'am.". The teacher searches the roll call for the name and just doesn't find it...looking very perplexed the class starts to get restless and giggly as third graders are wont to do. "SOoo your last name is Heinie child?"..."no ma'am Martin.". The teacher is really confused now and asks, "Are YOU Gladys Martin??? Child WHY didn't you answer when your name was called?"...and the little girl replied,"Gladys...Happy Heinie it's all the same isn't it?"

[Guest Felicia Anne]

two cannibals are eating a clown. one turns to the other and says, "hey, does this taste funny?"

(hurriedly running off stage, embarassed beyond words...)

[Sally]

One Fine young cannibal, not the group, asked his father why there were so many more Chinese people in the world than anyother group.

His father thought for a moment and said that there just had to be that many.

His son asked him again to explain why.

(HERE IT COMES - WAIT FOR IT!)

His father replied, "Because a half hour after eating Chinese you are hungry again."

THank you , Thank you, (curtsey's politetly) Thank you. (Blows kisses to the audience as she ducks under the large hook and leaves the stage.)

Love ya,

Sally