Tell Us Your Jokes!

[Guest RainBird]

Got this one in my email today.

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers ........................... and then there are educators!!!!

Hahaha omg!

I would of then moved on to kissing the windows at the principal's office! hehe

[Guest My_Genesis]

Haha great... I only got dirty or inappropriate jokes on me unfortunately. lol. Either that or I have to go through a long story

lol dirty jokes are my favorite kind ...long story ones are up there in my faves also

[Guest RainBird]

What does Ford stand for?

Fails On Race Day.

What does Ford stand for in reverse?

Driver Returns On Foot

[Guest Priestess Jean]

Jean's Proverb:

Only a person riding a mule can make progress while sitting on their donkey !

[Guest Daru]

Hey how's it going?

Fast

Hey what's up?

Oh, the usual... sky, ceiling, and most light fixtures.

Time to make like turtles

And head out

[Guest theEND]

lol dirty jokes are my favorite kind

me too, actually I don't really know any jokes that aren't dirty

[Guest skyy]

i guy goes into a bar. he see's a cute blond, so he desides to start up a conversation. the 11 o' clock news is on and there is a man threating to jump off a bridge. he bets her 20$ that he will jump. she says "ok, your on". so they watch, and sure enough, he jumps. just as she is reaching into her purse to pay him, he says he cant take her money. he says he say the same story at 6 o' clock. he says "ya, me too, but i never thought he would jump again!"

[Guest RainBird]

Here's a dirty joke...

Little Johnny went outside to play in the mud.

[Guest RainBird]

Q. What is clear and smells like carrots?

A. Bunny Farts

[Sally]

A terrible flood is being predicted in a rural community, the river is over flowing its banks and the levees will not hold. The state police drive around all of the threatened areas in large trucks urging everyone to come with them. At one house a little gray hairded lady sat on the porch in her rocking chair.

When asked to leave she said, "Go help the others, God will save me."

Reluctantly they drove away, when the water had reached her steps the fire department came by in a small motor boat and begged her to come with them.

She answered, "Go help the others, God will save me."

They left and when the water was washing up onto her roof a helicopter approached the little lady now clinging to her chimney and attempted to lower a rope.

The woman waved them away and shouted over the sound of the whirling blades, "Go help the others, God will save me!"

After she had drwned and was standing before Saint Peter, dripping wet, confused and a little bit angry, she asked, "Why didn't God save me?"

Saint Peter looked at her for a moment, shook his head and said, He sent you a truck, a boat and a helicopter - what were you waitnig for?"

Sally

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hey! Two antennas got married the other day! The wedding wasn't much, but, the reception was GREAT!

Ha ha ha ha

Donna Jean

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hey!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra. Ha ha ha ha

Donna Jean

[Guest Donna Jean]

OK ..Ok..ok last one....

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this

taste funny to you?

Donna Jean

[Sally]

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist who didn't believe in dog?

How many psychaitrists does it take to change a light bulb? One but it really has to want to change.

Two termites walk into a bar and one asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

What do you call a bass player without a girl friend? Homeless.

That should do for now,

Sally

[Guest RainBird]

A guy pulls a 'sickie' from work and calls his boss...

Guy: "Oh I'm really sorry boss, I don't think I'll be able to make it in to work today, I have a serious problem with my eyes."

Boss: "Why, what's wrong with your eyes?"

Guy "I just can't SEE myself being bothered to come in today"

[Guest Jennifer1]

Why did Australia Get the Criminals and america Get the Christians...

Because australia had first choice

[Guest RainBird]

A burglar sneaks through the window of a house in the middle of the night, he quietly creeps across the loungeroom with a small flash light, he takes 5 steps foward and hears a strange small voice in the room, the voice says, "Jesus is watching you!"..

Startled, the burglar carefully turns of his torch and stands in the dark quietly for a moment..

He waits for an all clear, gets his confidence back and turns on his light, taking another 5 steps foward..

The small strange voice is heard again, "Jesus is watching you!"..

The voice does not sound human, confused, the burglar shines his torch around the room to find out who or what is there..

He finds a bird cage with a pet parrot in it, he approaches it and the parrot repeats his phrase, "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar sighs in relief and reads the parrot's name written on the front of the cage, the parrots name is "Lucifer".

The burglar laughs and says "Lucifer?? ..That's a funny name for a parrot!"

The parrot replies, "Yeah well.. Jesus is a funny name for a rottweiler!"

[Sally]

What is the handicapped parking situation for the Special Olympics?

An older lady has to go to a church meeting, but she is expecting the plumber, so she decides to leave the door unlocked and tells her parrot, "When the doorbell rings tell them to come in." She then leaves home, "Unfortunately the parrot has always responded to the door by saying "Who is it?" and she didn't check to see if the bird had understood the directions.

The plumber arrives and rings the doorbell, "Who is it?" asked the parrot?" he replied, "It's the plumber."

No response, so he rings again, "Who is it?" asked the parrot? he replied a little louder, "It's the plumber!'

No response, so he rings again, "Who is it?" asked the parrot? he shouts, "It's the plumber!'

This continues until the plumber has become so aggetated that he collapses with a heart attack.

When the little lady returns she sees the man lying on the porch and says, "Oh my, who is that?" The voice from inside says, "It's the plumber!"

Sally

[Guest J-Walker]

Half the jokes I know are dirty. Then 25% are music jokes, 24% blonde, and 1% miscellaneous.

Favorite blond joke:

A blonde gets onto a bus and takes a seat next to a guy reading a newspaper. When he finishes reading, she asks to see the paper, to which he hands her the newspaper. The front page story reads in bold newsprint, "12 Brazillian Soldiers Killed". "Oh, that's terrible!" the blonde says to herself. After a brief grieving period, she turns to the man sitting next to her and politely asks, "Excuse me sir, how many is a Brazillian?" XD

[Sally]

J-Walker mentioned music jokes and I have a million of them:

What does it mean when a trombone player rings your doorbell? The pizza is here!

Where does a drummer store his cymbals? At the Pawn shop!

What does it mean when a drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth? The stage is level!

What does a flute player use for birth control? Her personnality!

A guest condustor came to conduct a very famous symphony orchestra - he was very nervous about the first rehearsal and had made a list of some of the problem spots in the work that he was to conduct. The rehearsal started and the orchestra sounded great, suddenly he cut off the group and said, "Will the second bassoon please play a little softer?" He started again and at the same spot stopped and made the same request, after three more starts and stops the first bassoonist replied, "He isn't here!" The conductor's response, "When he gets here, tell him not to play so loud!"

Sally

[Guest RainBird]

Australian Marine Life

Sharks that work at hospitals... (Grey Nurse)

Aged pensioner sharks... (Gummy)

Sharks that work for the council... (Shovel-Nose)

Carpenter sharks... (Hammer-Heads)

Fish that resemble an out of fashion australian haircut... (Mullet)

Fish that smoke dope... (Puffer Fish)

Fish that feel you up... (Groper)

Fish that birds sit on... (Perch)

Fish who make custom design clothing... (Tailor)

Fish that brag about what they have down below... (Longtom)

Fish who have bad flatulence... (Frog Fish)

Fish that work for the Australian Labor Party... (Clown Fish)

Brisbane policeman fish... (F*@n Flatheads!)

[Guest LauderdaleLady]

The criticism of President-elect Obama has already begun. Apparently, three cripples had gone to an Obama rally, and none of them was healed!

--Janet

[Guest J-Walker]

Music jokes are my favorite Sally. I like yours about the trombone player.

What's the difference between a violin and a cello?

Cellos burn longer.

How do you make a trumpet player play loud?

Write ppp on his music.

What's the difference between the violin section and the viola section?

Half a measure.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat minor.

How many contrabass clarinetists can you fit in a phone booth?

Both of them.

What's the difference between and extra-large pizza and a composer?

An extra-large pizza can feed a family of four.

[Sally]

I have a lot more music jokes, but here a a couple of funny quotes from musicians.

Ricard Strauss, "Never look at the Trombones, it only encourages them."

Rossini, "Opera would be so much better without all of the singers."

Gustav Mahler to Bruno Walther as they traveled through the Alps, "No need to stare, I've already composed all of this."

An unemployed jazz musician (attributed to a dozen different people), "I like being out of work, you don't have to play music you hate so often."

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!”

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'