Letter To Me

[Guest Jon Cain]

This is a letter i wrote to myself a few years back. I suppose it is just like my biography though it is a little shy on certain details.

I don't know how to say this, but the life i have is a complete lie. Since i was a young teen i have known the truth but from everything i had been taught it was wrong. I have tried to push it from my heart and mind. To live the way i was supposed to. I was brought up and taught that women are supposed to be with men. To love them, have their children and be the rock that stands beside them. I forced myself into that truth. Tried to live it beyond anything other truth that i had been taught. I had my first child with a man i hardly knew. Ten days before i lfet my teen years behind me, we married. I do love him but he loves a lie. He loves the mask i put on for the world to see. On the day my first son was born, i prayed that these wrong feelings would disappear. I loved my child but the truth in my heart remained. We all grew older and bought a house. Did the things a man and woman were supposed to do. Everyone around me was happy- but still i was not. After a while i thought another child would erase the wrong in my heart again. so my second son was born. Again i tried to force myself in to the role of the perfect wife and mother. But when i was truly happy was when late at night i would get online after my family was in bed and be the real me. Not the woman but the man. I would research processes and pretend to be Jonathan. He is me, the real me. I leaned that not only was i a man but i wanted men. I loved the hardness, the smell, the taste of them. But i wanted to be like them. The truth i tried to hide came out- but only for me to lie about what i actually was. A woman. Girls would fall in love with me then i would move on to another site. I would start over every few year. But now i tire of the lie. I love my children and my life is not horrible but it is not really mine. I want to be this person that i know is really me. But my choice seems to be either i continue as i have all this time, living as a woman. Have my children at my side and continue to hate myself everyday just a little more. Or be selfish and finally take the steps toward what i should have so long ago and loose everything. My kids are my only real concern even though one was a mistake and the other was a failed attempt to fix the wrong inside of me. So the only questions i have to answer is: do i remain this lie i live? remain a woman and pretend for the rest of my life? or do i make myself happy and shout to the world that i am a man? that whatever super being, god or whatever that was in control made a mistake with me? can i sit myself on the path of my heart, mind, desire, need or do i remain completely unhappy with myself for the rest of my life? it is a hard choice that cannot be taken lightly. if i went through with it the person i see in the mirror would be dead, the womanly shell would die for the people around me and would be replaced with a man that holds the same interests as i have but would actually smile and mean it. Can such a need be ignored? can such a bliss be brushed aside so easily? what do i do? when will i find anyone who could possibly understand this lie i live? and even if i became my desire... who is to say that anyone would want me? So Cynthia or Jonathan? Woman or man? Depression or happiness?

~Signed Jonathan Sebastian Cain... or better known as Cynthia Gail..

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I think your letter needs to be updated.

Simply fix the signature to Jonathan Sebastian Cain. Obviously that is who wrote it.

Thank you so much for posting this... a poignant insight into the tortured soul so many of us have.

Lizzy

[Guest Jon Cain]

Thank you Lizzy and yes.. it should just be Jon Cain.. i wrote this in April of 2009 and have kept it in my pocket for these two years.. i keep up with it better then i do my license.

[JJ]

Jon, for me the time came when the question was do I live at last or die. i think that time comes eventually for all of us. and even though it seems that all our marriages and relationships fail the truth is that many do survive. We are all individuals and what happens is a highly individual thing. it is not necessarily a given that you would lose your chilfren. Although that is an aspect I struggle with even though my daughter is grown and has a child of her own who at 11sees me and accepts me more than anyone else on earth. But my daughter is getting hurt-is working hard to make it the best for all of us but in her heart she grieves for the illusion she has lost. The illusion that she had a mother. That is hard and that hurts. I can say in honesty I was a mother to her but also not a female mother. because of her negative and very limited relationship with her father it is unacceptable to her that she sees me as her father -so what is left? there are no eager answers. I guess in the end I would say I am and always will be her parent but that the words do not define roles properly for us. We remain close and we will work through this.

I have realized that because of her I don't regret not transitioning very young. I have learned and grown so much from having her and raising her and from having to live as a woman BUT I do deeply regret not transitioning 20 years ago. I would have still been young enough to have many things I will not now. A strong young body for one. And I would have been a better parent through my daughter's teen years had I not been so tormented and depressed myself at times. I have been saying a lot lately that we cannot be good for others unless we are good for ourselves. Cannot give to others all that we need to give when we don't give to ourselves. It is a basic rule of human nature.

There is nothing wrong with becoming who you really are. Nothing wrong with really being alive. My advise would be to find a gender therapist-and it is vital that it be a GENDER therapist-and find out what you need to do. If you need to transition then go for it. You will bring more to everyone in your life in the long run if you do. but it will help resolve the struggle and the conflict too. that takes too big a toll on you and on your life.

I had a good life in many ways. I have had wonderful experiences and traveled. Deeply enjoyed my art and other things.

But though my life circumstances are much worse than they have ever been I would not trade all the money, even the health I had for the happiness I have now in living as my true self with no more secrets and no more apologies .

Life fits now-even if it is harder -it fits. It's mine and it is real.

[Guest Jon Cain]

Thank you very much for sharing that JJ. It really helps to read that someone else was a mother and was still able to go through with what was in their heart. You are a very strong man in your soul and I can only pray that life continues to get better for you. I have not told my husband, my sister, brother or even the people I consider to by my closest friends. I did however talk to my husband last night about me going to a regular therapist but I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that causes me to be depressed more then I should be. At least that is what my family doctor says. But I know the truth. I am not depressed- I hate myself. I dont want to wait until my children are grown. I want to do this now but my family is so judgmental. My mother would disown me and I would be dead- my sister may be a little more understanding since she dipped her toes into the Lesbian lifestyle a few years ago- my friends.. i dont know about them.. that could go either way.. but i know that if i do change then i will not remain in my marriage.. even as still living as a female on a regular day day base i dont feel like i am right for him.. He is a great man.. and a wonderful father.. but the real people that will be effected is my two boys.. they are 2 and 4.. i just.. i dont know.. i get so Gosh darned confused that i am not really sure which way is up sometimes.. i feel like i am drowning and i cannot breathe because of this lie i live.. it is however a relief to know that perhaps one day i will be the person that is in my heart and I will be happier.. the even stranger thing about my story is the fact that i have fallen in love with a FTM transgender gay that lives in Illinois.. he does not know it.. just knows that i really like him.. he has already started the steps toward becoming his true gender and he was the first one that i came out to that i was indeed more like him then he thought.. he is my hero and i love him even more for it.

[Guest Kristi Lyn]

Jon, On the other side of this I have been presented the question from my own 4 children, " How will we be able to call you Dad again?" Tough question to answer at the time. I can only hope in time that my kids see that I am a better person and happier the same. I would not dare to tell you to be yourself as you need to be ( although I want to) as you have some of the issues I am dealing with right now and they are Not to be taken lightly. It's a horrible decision to make. Be patient with those around you and lean upon yourself to find the way. I had to do the same and although I still have problems with my transition with my kids, it is expected nowdays. I deal with it as it comes but my kids are coming around to see that "Dad" they knew does no longer smoke and drink himself to sleep at night. Which they are happy about but they still have the problem with me being a woman in the future.

Hang in there cause this is not any easy road. Don't give it too much of your attention daily. Give it what it deserves but relax and let things happen with you and those around you to include your kids.

Believe me, I understand what you are saying.

Hugs,

Kristi

[Guest Jon Cain]

Hugs,

Kristi

thank you kristi.. it is a real help to find people that understand.. it really is.. people are too close minded to anything they dont understand