Now Here's A Story All About How

[Guest Captain Troy]

Don't worry, it's not actually a bad meme!

Hi, my name's Troy. I lurked on here and posted maybe once or twice a good year and three quarters ago when I first realized that I might be transgender, but had come to a sort of peace with myself and stopped coming on.

When I was little, I don't remember having an awareness of gender, really. Despite liking the occasional princess movie, I wasn't into anything particularly girly. I was just a kid, and I sort of did whatever I wanted outside the rules of gender norms. I was an oddball in more ways than one, in that I started elementary school in the late nineties, and didn't know who The Spice Girls were, I read Harry Potter in Kindergarten but my teacher thought I had a learning disability because I refused to read her crappy intro-to-reading board books in class. It was apparent from fairly early on that I had an anxiety problem, and first went to the doctor about it when I was three and thought the house was going to fly away. Despite this, I was a happy kid most of the time. I had a playhouse my uncle built in the backyard, and I loved to hear stories from my parents. I ran around and pretended to be a wolf, and my favorite movie was the lion king. All in all, I was a pretty awesome kid.

Then, gender norms and eventual puberty. I didn't ever get the talk from my parents, and that was fine by me. But I remember when we did in school, being grouped in with all the girls learning about our bodies, and then going out to the playground and just crossing my arms to cover my stomach (where I thought ovaries were) and just being sickened by how much my body had betrayed me. It was sickening, and thinking back on this, I wonder whether or not this is something cisgendered kids experience. I always assumed it was. Just like I thought everybody was sad all day and cried a lot when they got their first period. Just like I thought nobody wanted to grow breasts, that every little girl wanted to be able to run around topless and flat-chested forever. I still don’t know how many of these experiences are typical and how many aren’t. I still don’t know whether the embarrassment I felt when someone asked me if I was a boy or a girl was because I was shocked they didn’t know, or if it was because maybe I didn’t.

Middle school came, and through the proper application of media and peer pressure, I learned to be a good girl. I grew my hair out (a look far more complimentary to my face ---still round from baby fat), and had crushes on guys. I bought a few very feminine shirts from Hollister so I would fit in and the boys would notice me, one so low cut I always felt self conscious in it, but in a good way. It’s got to be a good way if a boy notices you, right? I seemed like a normal nerdy hetero cisgirl, save for one sexual identity crisis over my guyfriend’s older sister the stage manager.

Next, high school, dated a girl, decided I was a lesbian, wore boy’s clothes and liked it, fell madly in love with her, year later she broke my heart, I took to crossdressing more frequently as a coping mechanism over the summer. Realized I loved looking like a boy, and the real gender crisis began. Didn’t know what I was, and the depression made it worse. Joined the forum because I was majorly stressing out about it. Realized I was probably FTM, or gender queer, and that year at school started asking people to call me by my new name and pronouns. This year, I’m mostly over the girl, dating a lovely transguy I met at a protest, getting decent grades, and prepping for life in the real world. I’ve mellowed out a lot. I stopped wearing my binder as much because I had decided that since it was too small and I couldn’t afford a new once, so I have been convincing myself that just because I have breasts doesn’t make me a girl. Then the doctor decided I need birth control for hormonal issues, and I had a breakdown. I hate taking the stuff. It makes me feel super dysphoric, so I’ve been binding again, and even packing sometimes (which apparently I can’t figure out how to do right because my boyfriend says it looks all awkward). I’m stressing about gender again, and it doesn’t make me happy. I still don’t know what I am, and I hate it. I just want to have this disconnect between my brain and body fixed, but I’m not sure if I’m really trans because I don’t hate my genitals. Sometimes I’m okay with being a girl, but I’m typically either androgynous or, most of the time, a boy. I don’t know what to do, and while I’m seeing a therapist for my AD/HD anxiety and depression, and she’s really helpful, she’s not experienced in treating trans patients. And I don’t want to go find a gender therapist because money’s tight to begin with, and it’s hard to find a good therapist covered by my insurance. I really don’t know what to do, and it has been making me blue. It's actually been really illuminating to me to write this post, it's gotten a lot out in the open that I hadn't been able to put into words before now.

TL;DR: Hi, I’m Troy, I’m either FTM or genderqueer/androgynous, I’ve had an interesting life, and all this gender stuff is stressing me out. Nice to meetcha!

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Welcome Troy

Short answer - yes, apparently you are gender dysphoric - grin. You belong here.

More later!

Lizzy

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Welcome Troy

Short answer - yes, apparently you are gender dysphoric - grin. You belong here.

More later!

Lizzy

Lizzy's got that right, Troy. Welcome!

You're going to like it here. You totally belong. Get comfortable and get into it. Looking forward to reading your posts. Many cool transguys and transgals here and everybody in between too. Quite the international community we've got here.

Enjoy & Cheers!

Lacey

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Hey Troy, good to meet you.

I can identify with some of what you've written about when you were a kid and how you assumed that everyone felt the things that, looking back on it were clearly gender identity issues.

I don't have the lower body gender dysphoria 99% of the time either and have felt like how can I be a transguy if I don't long to be male in that part of my body but I've heard said here time and time again that being a guy is not about what's down there, it's about who you are. From what you've said it sounds like you identify with being a transman but do not feel the need to change EVERYTHING...well that's just fine! You only need to transition as far as YOU NEED to transition...if wearing guys clothes is enough for you to feel like you're being yourself then that's great...if you feel then need to have top surgery some day then, well that's cool, work toward that...but if there's some part of transition that you DON'T feel is right for you...well then don't do that thing. The point of transitioning is not having to be squashed into the stereotypes any more but being able to fully express who YOU are instead.

I have a similar problem with already having a therapist but them not being a gender therapist. At the moment my therapist is trying to help me as far as she can with my gender identity and because some of my issues and confusion and fears are connected with being afraid of men and my own maleness from being abused and she can help me to work on the abuse side of it even if she doesn't understand the gender side...but I know a time will come when I need a gender therapist and I can't afford both.

It's a tough decision isn't it.

Something I've wondered is about like alternating weeks...so like going to the general therapist for those issues every other week and going to a gender therapist on the weeks in between...that way each week you are paying for only one therapy session but you are still getting both. Does that sound like an idea that could work for you maybe?

I'm glad talking this out helped you. I find writing helps me a lot too.

Gabe

[Carolyn Marie]

Hi, Troy. I'm glad you felt better in putting all that down in writing. It is therapeutic to put your thoughts down on "paper" as it gets things organized and its easier to make sense of things.

You really do need to see a gender therapist, and there are different ways of doing it. There are relatively inexpensive online therapists, there are those associated with LGBT centers that may be government subsidized, and some have lower costs if you need to pay in cash. Anything is possible, so please don't think your options are limited by money.

Explore the forums and ask your questions, because the more you know, the better off you will be.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Troy,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna