20 Year Old Mtf - Long Introduction =[

[Guest GPTV]

Hey guys and gals, I am a young 20 year old male who has known he was a woman on the inside roughly since age 3 or 4. During my very young youth, my life was perfect; I had very old fashioned parents who were very strict on how a young boy should behave, but other than that, it did not do any harm other than make me a tomboy - I'm in so many ways male, and so many ways female. However, my biggest problems started during puberty; while every other guy my age retained a generally adrogynous look (every guy in my school, especially the ones who cared about fashion, happened to look very adrogynous in the face to match - think Justin Bieber or any Disney Channel male actor), however, I had a severe sensitivity to natural androgens that have been tested for; during 6th grade, my body suddenly grew the most extreme body hair out of any student in the entire school, my facial features became grotesquely huge and very elderly, I started going bald, and suddenly, I was the only student for the next 7 years who looked more like a 40 year old man than a teenager - it had nothing to do with my inner emotions, I simply did not look like the fellow boys, and I sure did not look like the fellow girls. I was teased and threatened relentlessly - it did not help that these extreme facial, body, and hair features again resembled a 60 year old man than a true teenage boy or girl. People thought I looked like a monster (see the male husband a few minutes into this video to get an idea of what I looked like in middle school, yikes! - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQCCMucblgM )

Finally, beyond my inner feelings, the bullying at school became so severe that the guidance counselors all agreed that my face was extreme for a teenager and that my androgen oversensitivity had carried my look too far. My main cosmetic concern was my nose, which was grotesquely wide, and at age 17, I had a rhinoplasty. However, the rhinoplasty turned out severely botched; the surgeon amputated almost 90% of my nose, and the rest of it collapsed. I went through a couple years of extreme alienation from the outside world - I looked like a freak and I barely left the house. At 19, I had a nasal reconstruction with cartilage grafts, and it left my nose looking "bigger", but monstrous and huge - also collapsed and "garden gnome/clown" looking from the side. And over the years, my forhead grew to extreme proportions (that of a 40 year old man, not a 20 year old), and as of right now, I am 20, and either in a boy or girl context, I look like a monster. I never leave the house, all of my friends have abandoned me, and ABSOLUTEY NO ONE finds me to be attractive in a modern, adrogynous sense. This is important to me because I have a very petite body frame (115 lbs, 54) and an EXTREMELY adrogynous, fashionable, artistic personality - I have been working since the age of 8 to be a teen/young adult actor, but with a look like this, my dreams are destroyed. No production in history would hire a young man who looks as ugly as me - I may be able to snag a role that calls for a haggard, old, drunkard looking figure (like the "husband" in the video above.)

This is me on the left, and what I hope to achieve through surgery on the right. I've thought about surgery since middle school, and I'm actually an "expert" in plastic surgery (I've studied rhinoplasty and aesthteics for over 6 years now, I know all the factual and biological factors of the nose and face, I know all of the psychology surrounding surgery, and in all, it's something I've been extremely mature and realistic about.):

http://i887.photobucket.com/albums/ac77/buttercupblessing/Untitlebdbdbsdsd.png

Now, keep in mind that those changes are simply to make my face look like a normal 20 year old's (I looked like this at age 17, so do not say it is natural aging.) You can look up various male celebrities my age like Shia Labouf, Taylor Lautner, Justin Bieber, Zac Efron, Adam Lambert (age 30) ect ect to get an idea of what people my age are supposed to look like. As well, these goals interact with my transgender goal, as if truth be told, I want more of an adrogyne facial look as opposed to a strictly female look for my gender role (and if truth be told, I like to "switch up" my gender roles, so to speak, so I like a look that works with everything.) but this journey has been extremely hard. I have no money, I have no friends, and I have no sort of mental therapy or support. As of right now, I look like an ogre, totatlly opposite to every young man my age who looks suave, pretty, soft, and just handsome. Only the most fat, husky guys that are the complete opposite to my body type (5'4, 115lbs) have faces like mine - theirs were caused by androgen oversensitivity syndrome as well.

What hurts the most is really again, my dreams of being a young adult actor are crushed. I won't "fit my face" unless I either get surgery or wait till I'm 40 to be an actor, and I just can't tolerate that. I've tried committing suicide many times and I realistically know that I only have a few more years of my life that I'll tolerate. Beyond this whole journey, I've been abused, I've been bullied, I've been lonely my entire life, and I've never been able to express one portion of myself. I'm homeless, I have no money, no friends, no life, and I'm at my last rope. I'd give anything to go on a reality tv show for them to help pay for professional therapists and surgery for me (it's the only way for me to live my life any longer) and I just don't know what to do. I'd give anything if insurence companies supported our journey's, because I'd work hard to pay the insurnece fees - sadly, there's no humanly possible way I can pay for surgery and therapy on my own.

Any help, advice, or ideas? =[

[MaryEllen]

Hello GPTV,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing with us. Gee. From the way you were describing yourself, I expected to see some hideous ogre but you're anything but. Maybe a little work if you're so inclined but you look ok to me.

MaryEllen

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi GPTV,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have Androgyne meetings Sat & Weds 9pm est est and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest AlyTheGreatAngel]

I was excepting an monster....but no u look just fine! And welcome to lauras!!

[Guest GPTV]

Hello GPTV,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing with us. Gee. From the way you were describing yourself, I expected to see some hideous ogre but you're anything but. Maybe a little work if you're so inclined but you look ok to me.

MaryEllen

Well, to me, features like a big, rounded masculine nose, an extremely overbearing forehead, ect ect (resembling the husband in the video) make people look like monsters. I just see those types of features as resembling characters like Shrek or sort of alike to what you'd think a child molestor would look like. That may be a normal look once a man reaches his 50's (though most men don't look like that even then) and it's sure not what's normal for a teeenage boy or girl (and especially a transgender).

And I've done the measurements and calculations (and have run my face through several programs, also getting many opinions from free-consultation surgeons and specialists) to know that my face looks exactly like I see the features (I do not have BDD, I simply find a certain type of hyper-masculine set of features to be horrible) and my own opinion is nothing compared to the way fellow teenagers my age see me. Most boys my age look like the many celebrities out there in the 15-25 range. However, I look like a 40 year old man, very aged and haggard.

I know that a certain aspect of MTF is accepting that there always will be a percentage of masculine traits that just can't be changed or tamed, but I feel like my image 100% prevents me from looking adrogynous or female. Maybe it's that more MTF's suffer from the "beaked nose", but I suffer from the "Socrates" nose - http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/68/Vatsoc.jpg/414px-Vatsoc.jpg

These are examples of boys my age that look like normal, handsome boys (and could also pass as female or "near" a female direction):

http://cdn03.okcdn.okmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/okmagazine_justin-bieber.jpg

http://www.nick.com/nick-assets/blogs/images/kids-choice-awards/cole-sprouse-producer.jpg

http://s.chakpak.com/se_images/85732_-1_564_none/corbin-bleu-wallpaper.jpg

http://media.herald-dispatch.com/blog/idol/uploaded_images/Jason_Castro_credit_Andrew_Shepherd-716748.jpg

This is what normal teen boys look like, they do not look like this:

http://www.zindamagazine.com/html/archives/2004/6.28.04/Graphics/Pix_ThisWeek/shrek3.jpg

Of coarse, I know that surgically only some things are possible, but I do have a very "ogre" look about my face (extremely pronounced brow bone, low nasal bone, rounded "clown" nasal tip, ect ect) and it is not what's handsome to anyone my age. Everyone around me truly looks like the celebrities I just posted, it's no sort of exageration. I know that compliments are always nice, but I've been throug bullying social neglect first hand, and every single person who's ever treated me this way has called me a name that relates to the "ogre" appearance. To me, there's no such thing as "there may be uglier people out there" - if you are even semi-ugly, usually people do not react well to your transgender journey or personality ideas. People always assume that I'm some type of field worker or "low IQ" man, when I graduated one of the tops of my class.

[Guest Karen K]

My dear GPTV,

You are like many of us here on LP, your own worst critic! It was late in my life (48 y/o) that I found the courage to transition. What that means is, I have a lot to overcome/correct. Look, we have an inner perception of how we should look and sometimes, more so with us trans people, this image and the one we see in the mirror don't over lap. So, the question becomes: What are we going to do about it?

You know there are techniques, procedures and many skilled surgeons, but you are far from the hideous beast that you described in your introduction. You can get as much or as little work as you want/need to achieve your inner image. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

Laura Jane

[Guest GPTV]

That's sort of the thing, because of the "emotions" tied to my current image (bullying, complete social neglect, many negative names - "troll", "ogre", "fat-face", "hillbilly", "child molestor", "shrek", ect ect - all names I have been called by my peers), I find my asymmetric and syndomre-caused appearance to be very ugly and restricting in my transition, character, confidence and fashion look.(I suffer from an oversensitivity to androgens, which causes the forhead and nasal problems - %90 of boys do not have this syndrome, or only start to get it in the late 30's or 40's) My photo obviously shows that I'm not unrealistic about my appearance and goal (I obviously am being surgically conservative) but the difference these two surgeries would make on my face would make the biggest difference in the world. There are issues with my face front view too (how can people be saying I look fine when they don't even know what I look like from the front or angle?), but again, this would make all the world to me.

The fact of the matter is I've never been bullied about my transgender persona for what it is, but I've been bullied extremely with people saying "You're too ugly to be a girl" instead. Everyone my age is so critical and perfectionist when it comes to facial appearance, especially if, like me, you already have a petite body and fashion sense to go with it. It's been 5 years since I had my first and only kiss, and that was my first kiss out of 17 years of living. All the hot gay boys my age started being in relationships and getting sexual encounters at age freaking 13 - I witnessed these acts myself! All those boys who could be clones of Justin Bieber are always so popular, liked, and sexually attractive. The hyper-masculine features are no longer "in" no matter what orientation you are. (though this may be hard to understand for older generations - sex ideals were just so black and white in some particular decades that even MTF patients who go through MTF face surgery still are attracted to the very same hyper-masculine features on their male partners.)

That's sort of the problem with living in such a "free minded" (as if) generation. With acceptance of transgenders and gays comes the discrimination of something else, and in my generation, being ugly is the biggest thing you can be discriminated for. I would bet that some of the transgenders who grew up looking like me way back in the 60's may not totally understand, (back then, it seemed that guys were universally worshipped as sexually attractive no matter the "look") so many transgenders of past periods grew up confident in their "guy" looks none the less. But in this decade, acceptance goes as far as what your face looks like, even among the most masculine of men. The naturally boyish and female looking boys just have it easier, wether they are gay, transgendered, straight, or whatever. %90 of the boys my age do not look masculine and harsh like me, all of them look 10x more female than I do. If I do not look ugly, then that says something for how model-esque the boys my age look compared to me. If I'm ugly, then they look normal. If I'm normal, then they look like gods. Lol.

I mean, it probably sounds like I'm a rambling BDD patient, but I've had tears in my eyes throughout typing all of this. I mean, most people here would probably have a complete fit if their genitals didn't look a certain way, for me, I'm not even a genetal fanatic, with how I grew up, I just know that facial aesthetics are what portray us to the world most of all, especially since I work in the modeling and acting industry. I've even found that in the end, transgenders and people in general are liked and admired more for what their face looks like than what they have in their pants. For me, this is my MTF journey, and I have panic attacks, fainting, extreme phobia, extremely high heart rate, and episodes where I'll break down and cry if I go out in public with all I've been through and the emotional features that I have to cure if I have the possibility to move on. Some people can rid themselves of these emotions mentally, some folks do need to improve physical features that cause the pain to begin with (genitalia, facial features, weight, ect ect) because, despite the ramblings of shows like Dr. Phil and mess, surgery can be be an amazing cure.

I mean, sorry if I'm rambling and sorry if this doesn't belong here or if I'm typing too much, but this is the first forum I've been brave enough to sign up to, and I have no one to talk about these things with and I HATE diaries! =[.

[Guest GPTV]

Does anyone have any advice (with reading my post directly above this) that could point me in resources or directions that would help me cope with the factors of needing facial surgery and psychological help? I am a young adult (21) and I'm living in the streets in an area that does not have many helpful resources for transsexuals - even in my "male" role, I cannot get a job in the areas I expertise in because of my haggard, middle-aged appearance stemming from the Androgen Oversensitivity Syndrome, and working "minimum wage" jobs can not pay for the expense of living in my area, nor do I have the physical or mental resources to start that life process. I need a shelter to stay at, I need free psychological help from a professional, and last but not least, I need physical and biological treatments to stop the severe physical and mental effects of my syndrome (extreme sebum production, acne, severe hirtuism, severe enlargement of the facial structure, social neglect, severe depression, panic attacks, ect ect). I need help.

[Michelle 2010]

I suggest you go back and reread the comments of the people that posted here. I think you are being very hard on yourself, and at 21 years old time is your ally, not your enemy. The pictures you posted do not match your self image. Be kinder to yourself, really, ok?

Best wishes

Michelle

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I don't know how to answer. I think you need to look into your heart, see if you want to find some resolution - and then look toward putting a therapist in your future. Almost all of us here on Laura's have had to face the fact that we cannot do it alone.

I am not qualified - and really no one here is either, to evaluate others. So it is difficult to say what to do. We all seem to feel you are very hard on yourself, about your appearance.

Anyway - perhaps there are two issues here, a gender dysphoria (GID), and a body dysmorphic disorder (BDD)

I hope this helps.

Lizzy

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi GPTV,

First, Welcome to Laura's hon

Now, let's see here....

You have on many occasion referred to yourself as looking like a middle aged man. Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but you look like a late teen or early twenty something to me.

Now, you also have referred to "androgen sensitivity". You know, I am not actually sure what that even means. It appears that your posts move from questioning sexuality to gender identification. Both of which are serious topics.

I would suggest that instead of asserting your position, and exclaiming why all is hopeless with you, but demand advice without consideration, you listen carefully to what others have had to say here.

Indeed, there is much going on with you right now. First and foremost, you must understand that sexual orientation and gender identity are not black and white and that they are not tied together.

As far as looks go... well honey... go online and see the transformation of Donna Rose

I think you will be inspired!

Now, just relax... OK?

Love

Brenda

[Guest GPTV]

I'm not sure why people are telling me to "relax" when this is a process I've been going through since age 4. I obviously know every fact about it, and when I say Androgen Oversensitivity Syndrome, it means the syndrome that causes overly-masculine characteristics beyond the normal human range (can be present it both males and females, it is a proven and diagnosed condition). 90% of the people out there do not have this syndrome OR only get it in the late middle aged years. This is evident by all the people you see on myspace, youtube, facebooks, ect ect who DO NOT have the facial features I have.

And personally, I think 21 is my enemy, the fact that I am not a girl nor look like a girl has completely destroyed my teenage life, which has an extreme effect on my next 80 years of living. Anyone saying "calm down" is the type of person who settled with looking like a man (or don't know what it's like to look like one) until they were 60 because they didn't have any big dreams in life. Sorry, but beyond actually wanting to be female (look female), I actually have a billion dreams beyond that goal - I've also been training to be an actor and musician since the age of 6, but I do not want to break into that industry until I complete my transition. Since these industries are impossible to break into late in life, time is indeed against me.

Again, "calm down" or "be less critical" isn't advice to my ears, you could say those words to anyone who even puts make-up on. When all you MTF's put eyeliner on, what if I told you "don't do that, just look like a man instead and calm down because you have to act like this is 1920"? That wouldn't be very nice. Obviously my feelings are genuine (have been feeling them since age 4) and I obviously am doing the right thing by wanting THERAPY, SURGERY, and medical TREATMENT. But I have no resources, and without PHYSICAL changes, I am suicidal and have been for a very long time - don't think this is the first forum I've been to, I've been a part of internet transgender, gay, and teen forums for the majority of my life and I'm also incredibly smart in the areas of genetics, aesthetics, biology, psychology, and human interaction. When the facts are on my side, I have no reason to "calm down"; I have a reason to need physical solutions.

[Guest GPTV]

P.S. I have almost the EXACT same facial porportions as the man in this 'before' picture, I know exactly what I'm seeing. - http://www.drspiegel.com/wp-content/gallery/ffs/y5.jpg

Obviously the surgery on him (nose and forehead) made the exact changes I'm looking for - this type of surgery makes a HUGE difference on a person's life and identity.

[Guest Colm]

P.S. I have almost the EXACT same facial porportions as the man in this 'before' picture, I know exactly what I'm seeing. - http://www.drspiegel.com/wp-content/gallery/ffs/y5.jpg

Obviously the surgery on him (nose and forehead) made the exact changes I'm looking for - this type of surgery makes a HUGE difference on a person's life and identity.

I'm not in any way trying to take away from what you're saying about how you're feeling, but you strike me as the sort of person who would value honesty. Both of these pictures look like women to me. Even with you saying that this is a man, I'm not sure I would believe that. Actually, the first picture looks rather like a slightly older version of a girl who was in my seminar class this semester. Maybe it looks different from the front, I don't know. I'm sure you know this, but the hormones can have a very significant impact, particularly when paired with an anti-androgen.

I may have missed this in this thread (it's pretty long), but have you tried therapy yet? After some therapy, you could get a letter for HRT, which could be really helpful to you psychologically in addition to helping with your appearance. Aside from that, you might actually find the therapy more helpful than you think it will be now. I know I did, and I was extremely skeptical going in. You also might need less FFS than you think you do if you do the HRT first, which might be less expensive.

I'll fully admit I'm a little out of my depth here discussing the FFS, but I'm telling you things I've heard pretty often from transwomen here on the forums over the last few years, as well as drawing on my own experiences with therapy.

One small point, and then I'll close. People here are trying to help. I hear you on how frustrating it is to hear things you don't think are helpful, but I think it's possible to keep the discussion calm at the same time. Without speaking for anyone else, I don't think we're necessarily saying you should be calm about what you're going through (because it sounds completely overwhelming to me, frankly), but that you should try to keep the discussion here calm and respectful. That's all.

I'm sorry to see you have to deal with all of these things, and sorry I don't have anything that's truly useful for you to hear.

Colm

[Guest Colm]

OK, saw your thing about needing free therapy. Noted. I couldn't recall anything off hand, but with some Googling, I found this site, which may be worth some more looking into: http://www.therapycounseling.com/free-therapy.aspx

Another thing is that a lot of therapists have a sliding scale option, so you could try calling a therapist that isn't free and asking for recommendations for therapists that you might be able to afford.

If you have consistent computer access, have you looked into virtual jobs/ internships?

[Guest GPTV]

The woman in the surgery picture is indeed a man that was already on hormone treatments (hormones will not reduce a nasal appearance or forehead appearance, I know the facts surrounding that). That man is a patient featured in the FFS surgery website of Dr. Spiegel, he is indeed a man that has softer skin because of hormone treatments, but needed surgery in the end because of an overbearing nose and forehead. Anyone who thinks he looks like an attractive girl in the 'before' photo has no idea what girls in the media world (and normal world) look like. As you said, the 'before' picture looks middle aged, and that's what I feel like I look like to. But no, this "middle aged" appearance is caused by Androgen Oversensitivity Syndrome, which can be stopped in childhood (didn't happen to me on this patient, no resources) or requires FSS surgery later in life (like the Dr. Spiegel patient).

And yes, I do want therapy before any choices, but I feel that female hormones aren't for me - I already have soft looking skin and I'm fine with the way I look beyond my nose and forehead. *I'm a controversial transgender because I do not want breasts* If anything, I want to be put on anti-androgens.

And no, I haven't been rude yet, but if for any reason I had to clarify the facts, it was because people were saying that I'm being to critical of myself and that I have BDD, when trust me, when the specialists know more about psychology than anyone on this thread. It's not nice for anyone act superior to anyone else and to plaster every negative condition to them when no one knows what they are talking about. I have the right to want what I want, especially if my facial aesthetics are caused by a growth syndrome that 90% of the boys and girls 13-30 usually do not have (and only about %40 of people 30 and older develop it) so that's that. No BDD here.

[JJ]

What you are seeking is treatment for your medical condition which has been diagnosed . Since it leaves you unable to work have you applied for Social Security? Medicade will pay for corrective surgery where it won't pay for gender related surgery. Also your local Social Services office should know what programs and services are available in your area.

I won't dispute your looks with you. people are free to have an opinion and those who told you that you do not look bad were only sharing theirs.

I will however dispute that anyone 60 years old who didn't transition as a teen did not have hopes and plans and ambition. Are you aware that when we were teens that transition wasn't an option? That the terms Transsexual and Transgender weren't even invented till I was in my 30s. I never even knew there were transmen till recently. I lived my life as I had to live it-I didn't have the choices and opportunities that exist today. I lived with courage and integrity and found a way to survive and I paid a terrible price. I guarantee it was not because I lacked any of the attributes you have when it came to what I wanted from my life.I lived without hope of this ever becoming better and I made the world a better place while I did it. For a few at least amd I saved lives. A few at least..I have paid my dues and justified my space in spite of GID. I offer no apologies for transitioning in my 60s.

You have had a bad break. I am sorry for that . But you can find a way to get it taken care of as well. As I said there are programs that cover corrective surgery for medical conditions such as AOS. You may have to search. And you may have to push and appeal but you can get it done. Go to churches, go to Social Services, go everywhere you can think of and you will eventually find a way up and out. There have been many others who have-even with medical conditions that make it difficult.

We are a support forum. We will listen and tell you what we think. We will care. And that is all that we can do. The rest is up to you

Johnny

[Guest GPTV]

Well as I stated it, I have dreams and ambitions in the acting, music, and modeling fields (not a sinful or lazy thing to want, I've been studying and and taking lessons for these things daily since age 6, it's an extremely dedicated thing for me) and in those fields, being attractive and fitting for your personality is a factor. I'm not saying that other transgenders didn't have ambitions, I never once said that it's not personal to them, I said that most do not consider careers in the physically attraction-required fields, mostly because of a lack of confidence or just that. I'm already a very confident person in my internal abilities and soul, and I want the outside to match, both for who I am and for my career. Nothing wrong with that. I'm not going to wait 40 years just because someone else did, I'll be dead before then - I have no reason to be alive until I achieve a portion of my dreams (career, physical looks, relationship standards, ect ect) and right now, 0% of my life is accomplished.

And like I said, my career is based on "building a name" for yourself, and that name can hardly be built passed age 25. Adam Lambert did it at 30 because, unlike me, he literally looked 16 or 17 at the oldest. His features are very youthful, unlike mine. I'd be wanting the same thing wether I'm a boy or girl - I just don't have the "actor" look no matter what my goal is. Johnny Depp is what an attractive man is. I couldn't get a role unless it was the stage adaption of Shrek, believe me, I've already tried my hand immersing myself in the casting call world and I've been told countless times that I'm "just too ugly to be in this field." I just don't have a modern, no-syndrome look about me. It's what me and others in my real life percieve as sexually unappealing.

[Guest GPTV]

Also, insurance companies, wether privately funded or government regulated, do not fund treatment for any type of physical deformity or hormonal imbalance unless it causes physical pain. They do not cover androgen oversensitivity syndrome for females, and they sure don't cover it for males. They won't pay for a $400 prescription of anti-androgens, much less $10,000 of cosmetic and reconstructive surgery.

[Carolyn Marie]

Also, insurance companies, wether privately funded or government regulated, do not fund treatment for any type of physical deformity or hormonal imbalance unless it causes physical pain. They do not cover androgen oversensitivity syndrome for females, and they sure don't cover it for males.

I'm not sure if this will be helpful, particularly if you have little or no tax liability, but out of pocket expenses for surgery and medical procedures that you can get a doctor to certify are medically necessary, are tax deductible. The Tax Court of Appeals recently ruled that GRS and HRT were deductible, but drew the line on breast augmentation. Even if it isn't useful now, it could benefit you later.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest ~Brenda~]

When I was young and beautiful, I was sure that I was going to be a rock star. I had the talent. I had the looks. I had the chops.

I was naive.

In time, reckless ambition gave way to reason and wisdom. I realized that careers based on flash are fleeting. Regardless of how good someone looks, those looks fade as fast as a bouquet of flowers.

I went back to school for engineering (another passion of mine). What I realized is that substantive and sustainable living is what life is all about.

I still rock out I also am a respected software architect in my field.

My life is good, and I am happy.

I do hope that you get passed this time of angst for you GPTV. Life is so ever changing. Life is so ever fleeting.

Grab hold of what is real and tangible in life.

That is the key to happiness.

Love

Brenda

[Guest GPTV]

I'm sure you hadn't been training in music, acting, choreography, cinematography, writing, ect ect since 6 years old. You probably gave up at your dreams because they seemed hard and/or you weren't as passionate about it as you thought; well, I've been to hell and back about 14 billion times and I've put my entire life on the line literally for my career and its something that's no where near connected with "teen angst". It's something that makes up 100% who I am and I do not have a single other passion, my entire life is devoted to both my career and my sense of self - my transition.

I mean, do you really think that Tyler Perry ever gave up when he was living on the streets trying to afford the funds for his first stage play, where now he's a multi-millionaire who directs, writes, and stars in every play and film he's done? No. Life is not about giving up unless you want to be "tricked" into being happy, and I want no part of a "homegrown" lifestyle with 2 kids and a husband and a mortgage and all that "america-says-you-have-to-do-that" crap. Even the benefits of my media career; traveling, the power to start protest movements, fundraising, public speaking, ect ect are all things I'm extremely passionate about.

Kids aren't what makes me happy. Having a husband wouldn't be what makes me happy. Money isn't what makes me happy. Having a house isn't what makes me happy. Living isn't even what makes me happy, because I can't enjoy life in the body I have. The only thing that will ever give me any amount of happiness is transitioning AND succeeding at my career - both which require facial surgery, one way or another. It's a very important life step for those who weren't born "pretty".