My Best Friend Of 8 Years Just Came Out To Me

[Guest Mik]

Since he came out as tgf last weekend I've been reading about it so I can make her more comfortable and understand it a little better. I had never known a tg person before and while they are still the same person I've known for so long, the new things have surprised me and I'm mostly ignorant about tg.

First let me say that I've read the forum and see how much anxiety you all have about coming out. Let me tell you that you are who you are. I can't tell you how to be, nor can anybody else but you. Be who you are and be proud that for better or worse you can accept everything about yourself. Then realize that your friends and family can also accept everything about you. They may not understand it like me, they might not like it, but if they are a real friend and if they have love for you it won't change a thing and they will accept it.

I was one of the last people my friend came out to and I'm trying not to take it personally because it must have been difficult and I can't say I wouldn't do the same but I would have wanted to know before now if only because I could have put them at ease and let them be themselves without fear of rejection sooner. The only thing shocking about seeing my friend dressed as a woman was my friend being shocked how little it mattered to me. He expected laughter and not to be taken seriously at best, or rejected at worst and she kept telling me through the night "I'm so surprised at your reaction...I didn't know what to expect but this is good....it's really good". I'm just a normal guy and it was no big deal and as I told her "Everyone is normal until you get to know them".

Anyway so I want you all to know how it is to have someone come out to you and that you shouldn't wait too long because you have the rest of your life to wait, better to spend it living and being who you are instead of waiting....

On the flip side do you all have any advice how I can help my friend feel comfortable and accepted? I got that I call her 'she' when she's in girl mode and by her name, and 'he' when he's in guy mode and his male name. It's hard for me to get my head around that and I hope he won't take it badly if I struggle with it at first, it can be a lot to get your head around.

Be good

Mik

[Guest JaniceW]

Mik,

Welcome to Laura's. It is nice to have you join us.

Thank you for your message, it is soo important to know how this all comes across to our friends and loved ones. We are pretty good at imagining some real horrible scenarios and reactions as we build up the courage to "come out."

As for advice for you, keep it up buddy! You got it, you are being the best possible friend and doing the best possible things for her.

[Guest kelise]

Hi Mik,

First of all, welcome to LP and seriously, KUDOS TO YOU for taking the initiative to explore and educate yourself on this. It really warms my heart to see someone take that level of interest. Judging by the sound of your thread, you seem to think your reaction and course of action in adjusting to your friends news is average for today's public. While this varies greatly and is affected by many variables like age and geographical location, the fact is your attitude toward your friend and our community is far and away superb and sadly, much rarer than we'd like it to be. In all reality, there is a depressingly large number of "family members" and "friends" who due to religious or personal views, will reject us or worse regardless of the level of "closeness" we may have enjoyed with them prior to our coming out.

Second, I want you consider the fact that you were one of the last people your friend came out to not as a sign of lack of trust or belief on her part that you would reject her, but rather look at it as evidence of the fact that you were the one she dreaded losing the most. It's rather easy to come out to someone if you don't care about potential consequences of coming out, but since those potential consequences often include the very real threat of losing that person in your life, taking that risk with someone you truly care about can be much more difficult.

Third, if I can venture to assume that your friend is an MtF transsexual and plans this coming out as the first step in her transition, I want to prepare you for what lies ahead. Transition can be an endlessly long, emotional rollercoaster ride. Especially once hormones are introduced to the mix and her brain begins the process of "rebooting" in female mode, your going to see great, fundamental changes in your friend and her personality. There will be times when you will find it hard to recognize any part of your friend left in there at all. There will be times that you may not like this new person. There will be times of massive euphoria and zest for life, followed promptly by soul-crushing depression. There will be great bouts of extreme selfishness. Just know that while some changes, like their happiness level and the obvious physical differences, everything else is temporary. It may take years, but you will get most of your friend back. Think of it like shaking up a snowglobe. Everything goes crazy for a while, but eventually the pieces settle back down to the bottom. Another way to look at it is like a pendulum that's been tied to one side for a lifetime. Now the bind has been cut, the pendulum is going to swing to the opposite extreme, and it may have an urge to stay there awhile. But with some gentle coaxing, it will gradually work it's way to center.

[Guest Rach_A]

Keep treating her like you always have.

My biggest fear is that even if my friends accept me, they may treat me differently.

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

MIK:

You are a very special person. Your friend is fortunate, indeed, to have a friend like you. Kudos to you, for if more people were like, what a very much better world this would be. Thanks for your wonderful comment.

Lacey

[Guest Melanie54]

Mik,

I have to say thank you for such a great attitude and willingness to accept her. I just came out as tg today to a friend. It is a huge leap of faith and the fear of rejection is overwhelming. If she feels anything like I did she will feel an overwhelming joy that you accepted her. That by itself a huge leap forward in making her feel comfortable.

All the advice I can give is to keep being her friend.

[Guest Mik]

Third, if I can venture to assume that your friend is an MtF transsexual and plans this coming out as the first step in her transition, I want to prepare you for what lies ahead. Transition can be an endlessly long, emotional rollercoaster ride. Especially once hormones are introduced to the mix and her brain begins the process of "rebooting" in female mode, your going to see great, fundamental changes in your friend and her personality. There will be times when you will find it hard to recognize any part of your friend left in there at all. There will be times that you may not like this new person. There will be times of massive euphoria and zest for life, followed promptly by soul-crushing depression. There will be great bouts of extreme selfishness. Just know that while some changes, like their happiness level and the obvious physical differences, everything else is temporary. It may take years, but you will get most of your friend back. Think of it like shaking up a snowglobe. Everything goes crazy for a while, but eventually the pieces settle back down to the bottom. Another way to look at it is like a pendulum that's been tied to one side for a lifetime. Now the bind has been cut, the pendulum is going to swing to the opposite extreme, and it may have an urge to stay there awhile. But with some gentle coaxing, it will gradually work it's way to center.

MTF is male to female? yes. Biologically male but feels closer to female inside.

I don't think they are going to go for hormones or surgery any time soon. The problem is her family, they are strict Catholic and hispanic with the macho Spanish cultural expectations. She's pretty convinced her parents would disown. She told me that she doesn't want co-workers to know about it so anything they do has to look normal in 'guy mode'. IE eyebrows can't look too feminine, no lip implants etc. So I don't think she's planning to start hormone therapy.

One of the things that has been confusing is the disparity between he and she. As a guy he's a macho jock type, a dudes dude and not into guys at all. As a girl she's into glam and wants to feel pretty and is into men. She has a long time girlfriend who's known about it since they met and she is okay with most of it but doesn't like her looking at other men. The two genders have polar opposite personalities and I'm wondering if it's a coping mechanism and if eventually the two personalities will merge and become a whole person.

It's the complicated nature of it that makes it hard to understand. "I like to wear womans clothes" is actually easy to understand and I wish it were that easy.

Not knowing them as a woman it's hard to look at the long term changes but I suspect that coming out to close friends is a step closer to coming out to co-workers and that eventually it may come to hormone therapy. She said she'd do the surgery if it weren't for family.

[JJ]

This is indeed a complicated condition and covers a very broad spectrum from those who feel completely one gender to those who are a blend or feel genderless. There are also those who switch back and forth from one gender to the other with no real blending. That is rarer than being FtM or MtF from my observation and can be a very difficult situation to deal with.

Gender therapy would help your friend decide where they fit on the spectrum and how to live their life as comfortably as possible. For some of us eventually there is no choice but to change our bodies and live as our brains dictate. It literally becomes life or death. Sometimes we fight it for decades and in the end regret the time we have lost because we cannot truly live while playing a role all the time instead of being our true selves. There are also those who find ways to adapt and live comfortably without transition. It is an individual thing but again a gender therapist can help your friend avoid years perhaps of pain.

Your friend could be someone who needs to live and express two genders, but could also be a woman who has learned to play a role very well. It happens often. We have many former marines and police officers and others who lived very macho lives where even their spouses never suspected. All the while in acute inner pain and misery. It is difficult to know your friend's true gender identity by the way they live their lives. Only your friend knows and even they may be confused. And conflicted about it.

The suicide rates among the transgendered are astoundingly high because this is not something we have chosen but a brain condition that develops before birth. You can fight it but you can't win and for many of us you never feel right or at peace until you do make that transition and your brain has the hormones it was configured to use. A lot of the research is new but if you are interested in the medical and scientific side of this condition you will find lots of information here (A non-trans news site by the way):http://aebrain.blogspot.com/p/reference-works-on-transsexual-and.html

Your friend is lucky to have such a caring and supportive person in their life. It can make an enormous difference. Just be there. Just listen and accept. This can be very hard for us who live it to understand and accept. There will probably times you just don't understand. And that;s okay. Being there and accepting is what really counts.

[Guest Mik]

This is indeed a complicated condition and covers a very broad spectrum from those who feel completely one gender to those who are a blend or feel genderless. There are also those who switch back and forth from one gender to the other with no real blending. That is rarer than being FtM or MtF from my observation and can be a very difficult situation to deal with.

Gender therapy would help your friend decide where they fit on the spectrum and how to live their life as comfortably as possible. For some of us eventually there is no choice but to change our bodies and live as our brains dictate. It literally becomes life or death. Sometimes we fight it for decades and in the end regret the time we have lost because we cannot truly live while playing a role all the time instead of being our true selves. There are also those who find ways to adapt and live comfortably without transition. It is an individual thing but again a gender therapist can help your friend avoid years perhaps of pain.

Your friend could be someone who needs to live and express two genders, but could also be a woman who has learned to play a role very well. It happens often. We have many former marines and police officers and others who lived very macho lives where even their spouses never suspected. All the while in acute inner pain and misery. It is difficult to know your friend's true gender identity by the way they live their lives. Only your friend knows and even they may be confused. And conflicted about it.

The suicide rates among the transgendered are astoundingly high because this is not something we have chosen but a brain condition that develops before birth. You can fight it but you can't win and for many of us you never feel right or at peace until you do make that transition and your brain has the hormones it was configured to use. A lot of the research is new but if you are interested in the medical and scientific side of this condition you will find lots of information here (A non-trans news site by the way):http://aebrain.blogspot.com/p/reference-works-on-transsexual-and.html

Your friend is lucky to have such a caring and supportive person in their life. It can make an enormous difference. Just be there. Just listen and accept. This can be very hard for us who live it to understand and accept. There will probably times you just don't understand. And that;s okay. Being there and accepting is what really counts.

Thanks. I'll ask if they've heard about gender counciling the next time we hang out. She's active in the local LGBT community now and has friends who are going through the same thing so I think she's alright understanding wise and having friends who are also going through it can help her avoid mistakes like getting depressed or feeling broken inside. And you're right, after reading about it there are a wide range of transgender types with different motivations, needs, and ways of gender identifying.

I think my friend may either like men and women regardless of which mode they are in and the guy in them is too macho to admit it because of upbringing and the stigma against homosexuals that her family raised into her, or their transgender needs are not sexual and liking men is because it makes her feel more like a woman. I think it's confusing her but I'm going to try to help her be honest with herself and realize whatever her needs are there is nothing wrong with them.

[JJ]

Actually gender identity and sexual orientation are two completely separate things. No relation to each other except that gender identity issues can make it hard to express you sexual orientation. A straight man with a woman's body might not be able to express his sexual orientation in a body that just doesn't jive. He is not a lesbian so that door is closed to him . It depends to some extent on his ability to accept his body as it is. When I came out to her my sister asked if I was gay. My answer was "What are you referring to in your question my mind or my body?"

Many trans people are gay, many are straight. Some are pan and some are bi. The whole gamut. Quite a few express as asexual. Sometimes because they cannot accept the conflicts between their identity, their orientation and their body. I have never hear any trans person say they were changing their gender identity because of their orientation.

This can be very difficult to get your head around but sexual orientation and gender just aren't related. Transgender really is a birth defect where brain and body are mismatched. As simple and complex as that.

[Guest kelise]

One of the things that has been confusing is the disparity between he and she. As a guy he's a macho jock type, a dudes dude and not into guys at all. As a girl she's into glam and wants to feel pretty and is into men. She has a long time girlfriend who's known about it since they met and she is okay with most of it but doesn't like her looking at other men. The two genders have polar opposite personalities and I'm wondering if it's a coping mechanism and if eventually the two personalities will merge and become a whole person.

Spot on, Mik! You may have hit the nail on the head with this one.

Thanks. I'll ask if they've heard about gender counciling the next time we hang out. She's active in the local LGBT community now and has friends who are going through the same thing so I think she's alright understanding wise and having friends who are also going through it can help her avoid mistakes like getting depressed or feeling broken inside. And you're right, after reading about it there are a wide range of transgender types with different motivations, needs, and ways of gender identifying.

I think my friend may either like men and women regardless of which mode they are in and the guy in them is too macho to admit it because of upbringing and the stigma against homosexuals that her family raised into her, or their transgender needs are not sexual and liking men is because it makes her feel more like a woman. I think it's confusing her but I'm going to try to help her be honest with herself and realize whatever her needs are there is nothing wrong with them.

Encourage your friend to join us here on Laura's. Even those of us living as transgendered individuals need an education on it as well. There are also resources here where she can find Gender therapists and other necessary physicians and services near your area.

[Guest Mik]

I sent her the link and she signed up. She's just waiting on admin acceptance. Thanks again all!