You Are What You Dare

[Guest Emily H]

I'm going to dare to tell my father I'm really his daughter, tell him he doesn't have a son, but a daughter.

But when, where, how, and what do I say?

My mother knows this about me. I haven't been to a GT yet but since money is really tight, he is going to need to know why we're spending cash to see a therapist.

My worst fear- He'll reject it, hate me, hate me and my mom, leave us. He wouldn't do that, so I know my worst fear can't be reality.

Best hope- He'd say "NO problem, Emily is it? Who cares what you have between your legs, you're my s- ah, daughter . And I mean that, and am thankful for it."

Also, not reality.

My father is a good man, who thinks about how his actions will affect others, who doesn't like hurting harmless creatures (except for food etc- he'd be into hunting, but he wouldn't want to kill squirrels/birds for fun). He's taught that homosexuality, transgendered, and sexual perversions are all a tangled mess together- not one entity, but it might take a lot of explaining to him to convey fully what I mean. He is not hateful, but he has no problem calling gays etc. hateful names when he is with his friends. My dad himself probably does not actually think these hateful things, only jokes with his friends, assuming their jokes aren't harming anybody. However, a lot of his friends and co-workers are legitimately, erm, borderline intolerant. I think our close family friends might accept me, over time. Its not truly my concern if they accept me or not. But it may be my father's.

Honestly, I think this will blow by smoother than it would with my extended family members and my friends. but... I know this won't be easy. But I need ot know, how, how do you tell a father that they don't have a son? that the son that they have laughed and played with for so many years and hoped to see grow into a man to be proud of, is really a daughter on the inside, which would be, to mainstream society, a symbol of shame?

[Guest Miss_Construe]

Emily,

We are always here for you here at Laura's. No matter what happens I hope you keep us updated. You are an amazing girl. You may need to give your father time to mourn the loss of his son. Remember that the initial shock is not rejection, just shock.

<3

Amy

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Emily - you have to be yourself - now is better than later. Whatever happens you will have the remainder of the rest of your father's life to work things out.

It's a part of your journey - it's what we do... take these horrible chances, hoping for the best, fearing the worst - feeling guilty all the time either way.

Time to do this if you feel you are ready. Let us know what happens?

We are here for you - you know.

Lizzy

[Carolyn Marie]

My worst fear- He'll reject it, hate me, hate me and my mom, leave us. He wouldn't do that, so I know my worst fear can't be reality.

Best hope- He'd say "NO problem, Emily is it? Who cares what you have between your legs, you're my s- ah, daughter . And I mean that, and am thankful for it."

I have found from my own experience and from the many hundreds (thousands?) of posts I've read about coming out, that the reality usually falls somewhere in between the best and worst. There will be shock, there may be anger, there will almost certainly be denial. But in the end, your father will not abandon you. Give him time, tell him its not his fault, its no one's fault, and tell him you will always be his child, and that you need his love. The rest will be what it will be.

Good luck, hon.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Emily H]

I ma so glad for all of your support. I haven't' said anything yet, I will consult my mom first as well... I'm wondering, what others have told their fathers? I want to know what to say? what should I say, how should I tell it?

[Guest Miss_Construe]

Emily,

I think it is important to let your father know that you love him and that you know that he loves you. Also, maybe mentioning that he didn't screw anything up. I know it sounds weird, but when I told my father I had Asperger's, his primary concern was that he somehow made things worse. That guilt, if not confronted, can cause turmoil.

That is my two cents.

Once again I want to reiterate that myself and the rest of us here at Laura's really support you. You go girl!

<3

Amy