I Just Came Out To My Grandmother...

[Guest Risu]

Well... today I had an early day home from work. Since my grandmother and I had the house to ourselves I decided to have "the talk" with her. I've been wanting to for a while but today I finally did it.

When I say I came out again, it's because in 2006 I tried to transition, rushed things and wound up in a very bad spot. Fortunately she was there to bail me out. Since then however I have been living at home with her and my grandfather again, so this talk, despite the fact that she showed me uncoditional love in the past was potentially dangerous.

So today after bringing in the mail for her and waiting patiently for her to sort and read it I thought about what I was going to say and when she was done I told her. I explained to her that she was my closest to my heart living relative, that she is both my mother and my father because she is the one who raised me. I told her I hadn't felt close to her in a while (since 2006 actually when I first came out to her)and that I hoped she and I could finally have an open, adult relationship. That we could talk about things and both of us listen and be open. She said I could tell her anything but that didn't mean she had to like it... and I agreed.

I have been open with her about seeing a therapist and also about electrolysis since I definitely can't hide that but we'd never really sat down and talked about why I am doing it again. So today I explained to her as best I could that I've tried living as a male and I just couldn't do it anymore. As a male I have no happiness or drive to do anything in my life. I don't even take care of myself. I explained that all the hopes and dreams and ambitions I had ever had for my life were, in my mind, as a female and not as a male and that I needed to do this to have a chance to live my life.

Her response was that all of this meant that I wasn't happy with who I am inside and that I need to change who I am inside. I listened and she gave me same speal she had given me 5 years ago about how I'm putting myself in a bad situation, that there are mean, hateful, evil people out there who would want to do me harm over this. I told her I knew, which I do very well, and responded by telling her that someone could kill me tomorrow because I'm white or that because I'm male and 6'2" they need to be aggressive with me and start something and kill me, or I could even have a car accident tomorrow and die. There are a lot of things that can happen no matter how you live your life and sometimes you just have to take risks.

So then she started in about how dating men is dirty and I could get diseases and so on and so forth. Which I also know and explained that someone can just as easily get a disease from a woman they're dating or married to, because she is unhappy and wants to sleep around. I know very well there is always that risk as well and that you can't always trust everything people tell you. I reminded her that she had raised me better than that, and that I don't want to live an "immoral" life and sleep around. (By immoral I use her words and ideas, not my own.)

When she was done sharing her concerns and problems with it, I then told her that I needed to see an Endocrinologist about starting HRT again and that there aren't any in our area who are trans friendly and asked if she would be willing to go with me if I found one that was transfriendly and knowledgable, as I would rather be treated by someone willing to help me than someone who has to because the law says they can't turn me away.

And she said she would.

I don't know why though... I don't feel happy... Maybe it's because I saw that pain on her face that I hadn't seen in so long... and never wanted to see again... but right now I just want to cry.

I know how fortunate I am to have her love and tolerance, if not support. I just hate hurting her like this.

No one deserves this... and I hate doing what I'm doing to her.... I really hope that one day, should things go well with my transition, that she will get to know me as I really am, and love me, and even perhaps see that this is the right decision and be ok with it.

After all I was said and done I told her that I didn't want to do anything at home that would alienate her or my grandfather or make them uncomfortable, and the same with work. I wouldn't do anything at work that would make my co-workers or clients feel uncomfortable because if I felt the need to leave the area (Which I do but won't until I am ready to go full time and can support myself) I wanted the business to continue to do well so she could continue to run it or sell it, whatever she decided.

anyways... has anyone else ever felt so bad after coming out to their beloved family members, even when they showed them tolerance?

I can't put this off for her sake anymore... my life and youth are slipping further and further away from me.

[Guest Miss_Construe]

Risu,

I was told by some very experienced individuals just recently that many family members come around when they see how well you interact with the world. I personally find that when I am not doing a very good job of passing that carrying myself as though this is who I want to be it eases everyone around me. Even those who stammer with pronouns, use the incorrect pronoun or double-take my ID.

I hope things get better soon.

<3

Amy

[Carolyn Marie]

Risu, you can't expect everyone to instantly support you. Yes, it happens sometimes, but its the exception rather than the rule. At least she is willing to listen to you, love you, and not turn away from you. That is a major thing, something that a lot of folks here don't have.

Amy is right, chances are when you have at last started your transition, and your grandmother sees how happy you are, and how complete you feel, and how it brings you joy and peace, she will come around in her thinking. When she talks to you about people hating or fearing you, or about violence against transfolk, tell her yes, you know that it happens, and there are bad people out there. But tell her too about all of us here; me, Sally, Lizzy, Dee Jay, Angie, Becky, and all the others, who have transitioned and who have found love and respect and acceptance in the world. That is the "norm," not the violence. Tell her that I came out to 400 people, and not one had a mean thing to say to me. Tell her that, hon.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Mik]

Well... today I had an early day home from work. Since my grandmother and I had the house to ourselves I decided to have "the talk" with her. I've been wanting to for a while but today I finally did it.

When I say I came out again, it's because in 2006 I tried to transition, rushed things and wound up in a very bad spot. Fortunately she was there to bail me out. Since then however I have been living at home with her and my grandfather again, so this talk, despite the fact that she showed me uncoditional love in the past was potentially dangerous.

So today after bringing in the mail for her and waiting patiently for her to sort and read it I thought about what I was going to say and when she was done I told her. I explained to her that she was my closest to my heart living relative, that she is both my mother and my father because she is the one who raised me. I told her I hadn't felt close to her in a while (since 2006 actually when I first came out to her)and that I hoped she and I could finally have an open, adult relationship. That we could talk about things and both of us listen and be open. She said I could tell her anything but that didn't mean she had to like it... and I agreed.

I have been open with her about seeing a therapist and also about electrolysis since I definitely can't hide that but we'd never really sat down and talked about why I am doing it again. So today I explained to her as best I could that I've tried living as a male and I just couldn't do it anymore. As a male I have no happiness or drive to do anything in my life. I don't even take care of myself. I explained that all the hopes and dreams and ambitions I had ever had for my life were, in my mind, as a female and not as a male and that I needed to do this to have a chance to live my life.

Her response was that all of this meant that I wasn't happy with who I am inside and that I need to change who I am inside. I listened and she gave me same speal she had given me 5 years ago about how I'm putting myself in a bad situation, that there are mean, hateful, evil people out there who would want to do me harm over this. I told her I knew, which I do very well, and responded by telling her that someone could kill me tomorrow because I'm white or that because I'm male and 6'2" they need to be aggressive with me and start something and kill me, or I could even have a car accident tomorrow and die. There are a lot of things that can happen no matter how you live your life and sometimes you just have to take risks.

So then she started in about how dating men is dirty and I could get diseases and so on and so forth. Which I also know and explained that someone can just as easily get a disease from a woman they're dating or married to, because she is unhappy and wants to sleep around. I know very well there is always that risk as well and that you can't always trust everything people tell you. I reminded her that she had raised me better than that, and that I don't want to live an "immoral" life and sleep around. (By immoral I use her words and ideas, not my own.)

When she was done sharing her concerns and problems with it, I then told her that I needed to see an Endocrinologist about starting HRT again and that there aren't any in our area who are trans friendly and asked if she would be willing to go with me if I found one that was transfriendly and knowledgable, as I would rather be treated by someone willing to help me than someone who has to because the law says they can't turn me away.

And she said she would.

I don't know why though... I don't feel happy... Maybe it's because I saw that pain on her face that I hadn't seen in so long... and never wanted to see again... but right now I just want to cry.

I know how fortunate I am to have her love and tolerance, if not support. I just hate hurting her like this.

No one deserves this... and I hate doing what I'm doing to her.... I really hope that one day, should things go well with my transition, that she will get to know me as I really am, and love me, and even perhaps see that this is the right decision and be ok with it.

After all I was said and done I told her that I didn't want to do anything at home that would alienate her or my grandfather or make them uncomfortable, and the same with work. I wouldn't do anything at work that would make my co-workers or clients feel uncomfortable because if I felt the need to leave the area (Which I do but won't until I am ready to go full time and can support myself) I wanted the business to continue to do well so she could continue to run it or sell it, whatever she decided.

anyways... has anyone else ever felt so bad after coming out to their beloved family members, even when they showed them tolerance?

I can't put this off for her sake anymore... my life and youth are slipping further and further away from me.

It may be that they think it's a fad or a sexual kink or something. Maybe if she knew more about it and that it's been going on since ancient times she would be more understanding. Sometimes nature doesn't get it right and its nothing new. Many cultures classify people as male, female, or 3rd sex from Hindu's to Indonesians, American Indians, all through time and all over the world. Tell her if you were born 300 years ago and were Indian they would consider it a blessing and believe you had mystic power and make you the tribes shaman.

I know it gets harder to accept things as I get older so it's probably not easy on her but don't get too discouraged, love overcomes.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Risu

Its hard to talk to UNDERSTANDING family. So when your grandmother gave you the 1960's view of transsexuality, it had to be a disappointment.

But it comes down to this - who determines how you live your life, who has to actually live your life? Only you do.

Be true to yourself. It's a lonely journey, sometimes, but it is what you have to do.

And like you know, many times those who disapprove often come around when they see how happy you are.

Hang in there. It is unfortunate your grandmother reacted as she did - but it is more common that people here admit, that semi-rejection.

Lizzy

[Guest Risu]

Thank you all, I appreciate the support and understanding very much.

I know I am lucky that is all she had to say about it and I do believe that someday when she's see's I'm happier than I have ever been and living a productive life she will know this was the right decision. It will just take time. As Lizzy pointed out, she has a stereotypical 1960s idea about Transsexuality which even then, was far off the mark and just plain wrong. I highly doubt she had any friends that were known transsexuals and therefore she had no influence to counter those beliefs and weigh them against.

I don't think this will ever not hurt her, but I think that one day she will be okay with it, God willing she makes it that long which I think she will. Until then I will just take it slow and let her come around on her own.

Thank you all again.

~Risu.