Good Vibes & Bad Vibes

[Carolyn Marie]

I've been attending all of the staff training sessions set up by Human Resources. It's gotten old for me, but the staff really seem to appreciate hearing my story. Yesterday I did one in front of field staff, most of whom hadn't seen me en femme yet. I had on women's dress slacks and a button front shirt with glittery silver threads running through it. I thought I looked pretty good.

During the Q & A, one person told me that she thought I looked too manly in my attire, and would not feel comfortable sharing the restroom with me, looking as I did. I did not get visibly upset and I discussed it with her, explaining that however I was dressed, I was legally entitled to use the women's restroom. But her comment did in fact upset me, and I thought about it the rest of the day. I guess there is this expectation among some that trans people have to "look the part" in order to be accepted. I suppose if I did the training in a skirt and frilly blouse, it would have been OK. *Sigh* Anyway, acceptance has been 99 percent great, so I'm not going to dwell on the one exception.

On the other hand, I went to the credit union today with my legal docs, and spent an hour getting my account changed to my new name, with credit cards and checks and all the rest changed over. The staff person was extremely nice and never once made an issue of it, even though she clearly knew what my name had been. It was all done matter of factly and professionally, and it made me feel great.

So, you take the good with the bad. It all works out in the end.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest]

Hi Carolyn,

I know it won't bother you, really.

I was brought up to be a bathroom-ophobic. Something my parents were obsessively puritannical about. Sharing a bathroom is difficult for me, no matter who is there. I will often walk out and put up with discomfort if a restroom is crowded. Not that my story is terribly pertinent, but it's to say that restroom discomfort sometimes goes beyond gender.

As I've said for myself: I know that not everyone will be accepting, but if they're polite, I'm happy with that.

Love, Kat

[Drea]

During the Q & A, one person told me that she thought I looked too manly in my attire, and would not feel comfortable sharing the restroom with me, looking as I did. I did not get visibly upset and I discussed it with her, explaining that however I was dressed, I was legally entitled to use the women's restroom.

There will be women who will feel uncomfortable sharing the restroom when a MTF changes gender roles on the job. While she mentioned appearance, it is unlikely that is the real factor. It really comes down to seeing you as they person they knew before now matter how your attired. There will be a weirdness factor right now till they get used to you and come to understand you in your new role. Even if they hadn't seen you before, just knowing you transitioned there is going to be a bit off putting.

Legality doesn't mean a whole lot at the moment. Yes, you have the right, but peoples sensibilities and emotions will be what they are regardless of the law. It is fairly common for trans folks to make special restroom arrangements for a period. Even surgery doesn't change that.

I guess there is this expectation among some that trans people have to "look the part" in order to be accepted. I suppose if I did the training in a skirt and frilly blouse, it would have been OK.

Probably not. As stated above, its more about still seeing you as that guy or knowing you were working there as a guy just weeks before. Going more "girly" would probably have heightened the weirdness factor at this stage and they would have felt more uncomfortable.

The good news in all this is that over time it won't be new and there will be a natural point where they will see you different and for the most part won't give it a second thought. There might be the odd person out who will continue to have issues. This all depends on how you integrate however. If in their eyes, if your behavior conforms to male patterns they may not develop that comfort. If I were to put a time frame on it, I would give upwards of a year or so for it to really develop. It could be much shorter though.

The big pitfall that can happen at this point is treading too heavily on their sensiblities while they are in that "it's pretty weird" mode. I am sure part of the training you been doing is about getting people to understand and be comfortable.

Remember, your embarking into a new a relm of new social expectations. Women can hold grudges like no man does if sleighted and you will be held to much higher standards as far as understanding the feelings of others as a woman. You will be expected to be cooperative and to respect feelings. Trying to exercise "male privlidge" (such as demanding or stating legal right to use ladies room) rather than being sensitive to feelings can generate some serious resentment and they may never develop that comfort level with you.

Ironically, the best way to get acceptance, cooperation and comfort in such matters is by respecting their feelings and avoiding the issue for now rather than pushing it. I would find a single seat restroom and stick to it for now till people are more settled.

[Guest Risu]

Hi Carolyn. I'm sorry about the comment. I think you look great from what I can see in your avatar, but some people just like to be the odd man out and reply negatively to something most others don't have a problem with.

I think you are strong and brave and pass easily! Who cares what she thinks about your outfit anyway. All that matters is you like it. And likewise like yourself.

I am glad you're not going to let it bother you! Sometimes we dwell on things like that. Sometimes the things people say hurt us more than we realize it could, but for now the positives are greater than the one negative and I am glad you have decided to focus more on that.

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Carolyn:

Drea's "got that right" in her post above. Take it to the bank, because I believe she's right. Give it time. You've been on an amazing roll and then this happens. Sure, it's a bummer, but it's no biggie. Roll with the changes. It's gonna happen occasionally.

Though I'm fulltime for nearly a week now and go out every day, I still use "family bathrooms" and do not use the ladies room even though I have a carry letter from my gender therapist. So, why do I do this? Because, I know I don't pass and most likely may not ever pass. Hence, I use the unisex restrooms. You do whatever it takes.

You're so rockin' it, girl! KEEP IT UP! Yours is arguably the all-time best coming-out-fulltime tale I've ever heard. Just my opinion. Thanks for all your encourgement, by the way!

Lacey

[Carolyn Marie]

Ironically, the best way to get acceptance, cooperation and comfort in such matters is by respecting their feelings and avoiding the issue for now rather than pushing it. I would find a single seat restroom and stick to it for now till people are more settled.

I understand your viewpoint, Drea. But each workplace situation is different. We have two floors in this building, and each one has a single multi-stall restroom. My only option would be to go to the other floor. What if someone on that floor objected? Would I then have to go to a "neutral" bathroom somewhere else, perhaps the one in the parking garage? Nope. The law in California is very clear about "reasonable access" to a restroom. I will make a lot of concessions to people's comfort level, but relegating myself to the outhouse isn't one of them.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest angie]

I had the same issue when I went full time. But they made me use

the men's room,as the ladies refused to let me use theirs.Had more

than one woman tell me I was too masculine to ever be seen as a woman.

I told them give me six months and the difference will be astounding.

I eventually quit as the work became to physical for my T lessened body

as the muscle started breaking down.Funny I went back a year later in

a dress and heels,hair curled,and in full makeup,and they were stunned

speechless.I Like the office managers comment,"Wow you really are a girl,

we can see her clearly now." I told you so, is all I could say.

Angie

[JJ]

Carolyn,

It is surprising how our perceptions and experiences vary. I have personally heard women trot out their legal rights many more times than men. Women by and large have learned to use all the weapons available to them. I also think that waffling on your rights and softening your approach will just feed into the stereotype that you will now be a less competent and effective person because you are a woman.

In the professions I have been involved or associated with, women were dedicated to overcoming those stereotypes and would resent the heck out of anyone who started to display them because they changed their public gender presentation. Continue to be yourself. Just as you are. 99% acceptance is phenomenal and beyond anything most here have experienced. I believe it is due in no small part to your innate understanding of people and deft handling of the issues likely to arise. Just keep on with what you are doing cause it's working beyond all expectation

As for the lady and the bathroom-That is her choice and her problem. She is free to find another one herself if she is uncomfortable or be the one to wait if she sees you go in. It is not your problem to solve but hers. If you did try to solve it then there would just be something else arise to follow it because her problem most likely isn't with bathrooms it's with you being transsexual. We can't reach them all. You have already worked miracles !

Love

Johnny

[Guest Donna Jean]

The law in California is very clear about "reasonable access" to a restroom. I will make a lot of concessions to people's comfort level, but relegating myself to the outhouse isn't one of them.

Carolyn Marie

Good for you......California law is on your side and there will always be one or two people making waves....you already have 95% or better acceptance.....

Use where ever you want/need to....

...and remember to flush...

Dee Jay

[Drea]

Hopefully it's just that one person. If there are no other options, be sensitive to it, and minimize potential issues by going at times when less likely to run into the person with an issue or by going at the same time as women you know are perfectly comfortable with you in there with them.

I had a situation where I could not use a restroom cause of the potential risks so I went off site.

At the end of the day, if the women en mass start to object in the workplace legalities will become meaningless. You will have the law on your side, but if it becomes disruptive you might find them giving you the message they don't want you out of there. The law might be good for getting some money out of them.

Eventually, no matter how good things go, planning to change jobs eventually might be good. Getting to where people simply don't know will elminate that issue.

[Carolyn Marie]

Getting to where people simply don't know will elminate that issue.

Getting to retirement will eliminate that issue, too. I have 12-18 months before I do so.

So far, no one has shown the least discomfort at encountering me in the restroom, and I've even engaged in a little girl talk in there. One never knows for sure what the future holds, Drea, but I've always been a glass half full kind of girl.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Elizabeth K]

It is so ironic I feel. You are such a woman, that if you had not come out, and if people didn't know you before, NOONE would notice you except as another woman in the restroom.

Oh, how prejudiced people can be - sad.

Lizzy

[Guest jamiejcmo]

I got one for you Carolyn. There is a nother girl that works for the same people I do but in a different building. Yes management makes us use gender nuetral restroms. I'm in the warehouse bldg so I have to use the one the truckdrivers use while waiting to load and unload. Its nasty and the building is about two blocks long. The other girl has to use a mantinance restroom in the basement of her building. Here is the ironic part.... when we go to the main admin bldg for meetings and such wich restrooms do we use? The regular ladies rooms.Sometime you just have to scratch your head! lol I think it is all about what Lizzy said above. The people that don't know don't care.

Jamie