Being, Fitting In

[Guest Evan_J]

There's a big difference between "being" and "fitting in". And maybe what I'm really doing is wondering over it?

About a week ago, the most "important" thing in my life became significantly less passion provoking. That something of course being transitioning. That both freaked me out and bothered/caused me concern. How is it something so important could all of a sudden be reduced in the level of emotions/desire for it I had previously? So I've been mulling , examining, and sorting; thinking I knew what the problem was then discarding what I came up with when the possible cause "fell apart" under close scrutiny. Until I came up with this.....

For the majority of my life now, I felt male and knew to change sexes would "free" me but recently (maybe a few weeks) I've been "not charged up" about it. And I kept wondering why. And I kept trying to isolate the cause so I could understand it. I've even in moments been questioning "maybe I changed my mind" or "its not so important to me" but on closer scrutiny I finally identified that thats not it. What it is is that I'm wondering where I'll fit/be accepted when its over. Its fine to be male to myself and in body but I'm finding that wondering which group will accept me when its over. I didn't realize that was important to me. I find pain in belonging to the group called "female", I can't be one of them, I don't want to be one of them, and yet I have (because of body) a "membership" there that I want out of. Up until the point of initiating T technically I'll even be allowed to fraterinize amongst the group termed "lesbian" although really its dishonest. I'm in sheeps clothing to get....lucky. I dunno. But still it affords me a "sense of community if I want". What I don't know and I think I want to know is "where I'll be and who'll accept me after transitioning. Is the male (bio) really going to "let me in"? Will I honestly be "one of the boys" or will I be differenciated and set out; "one of the other boys? That I think is what's bothering me. When its over who will truthfully allow me in their community because honestly I like "belonging".....to something.

I dunno....if I'm rambling or if none of this makes sense, or mayb if its just ridiculous, ignore it.....

[Guest Sergei]

I think I understand what you are getting at. I think the one thing you have to remember is that if you stayed identifying as female then you are part of a community. But the thing is it isn't really YOU. If you get what I mean. Its a character you have created to fit in that isn't your real self.

Before I transitioned I used to hang out with a lot of straight biological men. This as back when I presented as a VERY butch female, and to explain my appearance would pretend I was a lesbian. When I transitioned you would have thought it would have made it even easier for them to except me. But the thing was, when I transitioned I all o a sudden became a very camp gay man. I all of a sudden made friends with big groups of women, which I was never friends with before, because ironically in becoming the real me I was now accepted into a female social circle that I never was before as female. lol But the thing was I really thought I would lose the group of very stereotypical hetrosexual men who all considered themselves as you describe it "one of the boys". Men like that don't want to hang out with camp gay guys anymore than they want to hang out with women.

But you know what, the most amazing thing is that I didn't lose that group either. The guys found my transition slightly odd, but they were really my true friends. I had a brotherhood with them, and becoming the real me just meant that we all became even closer. If the people you hang around now are your true friends then they will stick by you. And if it isn't about friends, just social circle, then as you lose one, another will always open up for you. My transition has almost been a onus socially for me. Because of the bonds I have made before and after transition, I can be one of the girls, one of the guys, I can come on here and I am one of the transpeople. I have alot more social circles and friends because of my transition. I really wouldn't let social worries stop you from doing what you feel you have to do. xx

[Guest Evan_J]

you realize of course I feel like an idiot now lol. But you're right. And I don't know why it got to be a "thing" for me.

I dunno. Maybe a huge part because I miss the city I used to live in and bein so easily accepted as one of the guys there. Truthfully, I don't even try to have male friends here...its too foreign. I kind of feel like even if I were a genetic male I would still be out of place here.

Thats not meant to be a whine. It just is what it is. Where I live now is basically where I grew up, it was a poor fit for me then and its a poor fit now lol. I left a long time ago looking for someplace that better fit me and actually I found it. But circumstances landed me back and I am miserable since then. Didn't really intend to dump all of that but well there's the verbal vomit lol.

[Guest raydub]

Evan,

Looks like you and Sergei got that one all figured out eh?

I think the same kind of thoughts you described have been roving around in my mind at times too. We mustnt forget the non-gender-based social groups to which we belong and CAN belong. Im a 12-stepper, a minister, a martial artist, a kickboxer, a parent, a computer scientist... these groups of people dont necessarily divide themselves along the gender lines. Im sure the divide and how it takes place is also based on the city youre living in..but i just wanted to bring up the Other possibilities.

And... DUMP ON man! We gotta get the crap out sometime!

Chicks do it.. my girl's cell phone STAYS goin off with someone else's drama ..im sorry.. "life happenings"

hrmm that sounded a tad sexist...but uuh.. i think you know what i mean.

Raymond

[Guest jantonio]

Hey Evan, don't worry I had those similar feelings when I first decided that I wanted to transition. The key for me was making new friends that would support me and understand me. I have a female friend that totally supports me and treats me like a man. By having a good support system it has strengthen my need to transition, is to the point that I can't wait to come out at work and to my family. I am discovering that by being myself I am happier now then I was before, that I am not afraid anymore. You also notice that people are attracted to the new you, or lets say the "You" that you always were inside.

Jose Antonio...

[Guest Evan_J]

....."life happenings"

hrmm that sounded a tad sexist...but uuh.. i think you know what i mean.

ROFL. I don't care if it was the king-daddy sexist statement of the day (looks to make sure there are no women folk around though ....) it made me laugh, and for that its a winner.

We mustnt forget the non-gender-based social groups to which we belong and CAN belong.

Words of wisdom. I'll memorize it.

Hey Evan, don't worry I had those similar feelings when I first decided that I wanted to transition. The key for me was making new friends that would support me and understand me. I have a female friend that totally supports me and treats me like a man. By having a good support system it has strengthen my need to transition, is to the point that I can't wait to come out at work and to my family. I am discovering that by being myself I am happier now then I was before, that I am not afraid anymore. You also notice that people are attracted to the new you, or lets say the "You" that you always were inside.

Jose Antonio...

My thinkin exactly And to that end -besides you guys- I found a Trans group near me that meets once every week. I'll tell ya how it goes. Hopefully it'll be a bastion of into since the couple of therapists I tried lookin up around here either have packed up and moved or apparently disintegrated into thin air. But thats another issue lol.

[Guest JayJaye]

I just want to BE.

To BE ME and FIT IN.

Currently in limbo land it's hard.

I'm having issues with my *support* people not supporting me now that I'm actively transitioning (meaning taking T and applying for legal name change as opposed to just cross-dressing and cutting my hair).

I just want to BE MYSELF. I don't want to be trans, or the poster-boy for who's the oddest duck.

I hope that I will find groups to fit into that don't know me as trans, so I can just be me without *baggage*.

Jay

[Guest Evan_J]

Geez Jay, you just said what I almost said in another post almost almost word for word. I do understand you. I dunno, I don't want to be the freakin poster boy either.....and at the same time I want to be able to be comfortable with myself in the event that I do have someone know....don't want to be "in a closet" but my personal life is my own. Sorry but I'm that way. I don't advertise who I sleep with either. [Meaning, even in a group of friends some stuff is just my personal business.]

[Guest Evan_J]

And just because my explaination of myself included "personal business' in it, that doesn't mean don't reply to this thread .

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Hi Evan,

I totally know what you mean about wanting to belong...somewhere. It's a normal, human feeling. We are social beings and it's hard to escape that, even when you want to.

It seems like I am dealing with perhaps some of the same feelings you are having. For one, when I first decided that transition was the right path for me, I was super charged up about it. It was like a weight had been lifted and I felt a peace deeper than anything I've ever experienced. It's like I finally found the answer I had been looking for all this time. I felt really...liberated. Over time, as the reality of things sets in, I find myself less enthusiastic and am even feeling a little reluctant. Where before I was excited, now I am actually a bit afraid and find my self dwelling on the "not so nice" aspects of choosing to transition...like being rejected by people that I am friends with now and leaving my established (but quite unbearable) role as a woman and taking up an entirely new role. I don't know if I'll make much of a man. It's scary. I don't know. I think it is normal to wonder where we will end up after transition. In my "ideal world", I'd be "one of the guys", but "rational me" wonders if that will really happen. Oh...the doubts...the other day I even wondered if I should just turn back. Now instead of being something that gets me all excited, transition feels like something I have to do because I know it is the right thing. Don't get me wrong, I still feel excited, but now I'm feeling more aware of some of the potentially negative consequences of transition as well. It's a real buzzkill.

You know what else? Sometimes I even find myself feeling really angry. I just want to have the basic right that everyone else has; I want to be the person I am inside. This female body isn't me! It makes me really angry to think of people rejecting or condemning me for wanting my outside and inside to match. So far no one I have come out to has been like this, but I know it is coming. Obviously I picked those early coming out experiences carefully...

So basically...first, I want to just BE...but I'd also eventually like to BELONG. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere before, so it'd be nice.

BTW, ramble away. Chances are there are lots of people who have felt the way you are feeling now. It's like gas...better out than in.

[Guest raydub]

It's like gas...better out than in.

I think youll make a FINE man, Stranded!

Ray

[Guest Keane]

I think I understand what you are getting at. I think the one thing you have to remember is that if you stayed identifying as female then you are part of a community. But the thing is it isn't really YOU. If you get what I mean. Its a character you have created to fit in that isn't your real self.

Before I transitioned I used to hang out with a lot of straight biological men. This as back when I presented as a VERY butch female, and to explain my appearance would pretend I was a lesbian. When I transitioned you would have thought it would have made it even easier for them to except me. But the thing was, when I transitioned I all o a sudden became a very camp gay man. I all of a sudden made friends with big groups of women, which I was never friends with before, because ironically in becoming the real me I was now accepted into a female social circle that I never was before as female. lol But the thing was I really thought I would lose the group of very stereotypical hetrosexual men who all considered themselves as you describe it "one of the boys". Men like that don't want to hang out with camp gay guys anymore than they want to hang out with women.

But you know what, the most amazing thing is that I didn't lose that group either. The guys found my transition slightly odd, but they were really my true friends. I had a brotherhood with them, and becoming the real me just meant that we all became even closer. If the people you hang around now are your true friends then they will stick by you. And if it isn't about friends, just social circle, then as you lose one, another will always open up for you. My transition has almost been a onus socially for me. Because of the bonds I have made before and after transition, I can be one of the girls, one of the guys, I can come on here and I am one of the transpeople. I have alot more social circles and friends because of my transition. I really wouldn't let social worries stop you from doing what you feel you have to do. xx

Right now i pretty much hate girls, & its definitely getting some fuel from my own self hate in my female body, but i think that after i transition it'll be easier to befriend girls cuz they wont get bitchy & catty w/ an apparant guy haha. But im sort of one of the guys too, i just came out to one of my best friends & hes handling it well so far i dont care what people think about me as long as i'm happy. i cant wait until i get a binder, im so broke now so idk when i can, its gonna be a while since i'm too young to get a credit card, i'd totally pass as a guy visually if my darn chesticles were hidden haha.

[Guest Evan_J]

I couldn't have said it all better Stranded.

And you're right, its that I've been seein' all of the realities to "once I get to the other side". What difiiculties that sex has itself. And just the general "reality" of living that as opposed to just my elation at being myself. No, I don't want to turn back either but I'm not thinking that once transitioning is over all lmy days will become fantasy perfect either.

God I wish that they were lol

[Guest jantonio]

You know what guys, my thought is as long as we are happy being ourselves we will fit in. If someone has an issue with it, is their problem not ours. We are all "FINE" men.

Jose Antonio...

[Guest Evan_J]

chesticles .

ROFL. Chesticles. Thats like testicles but in the wrong place. lol Sorry but gonna have to put that in the unofficial dictionary now. The ftm lexicon lol.

And "here, here" I agree Jose Antonio, a fleet of fine men in a good many regards.

All this self complimenting is making me want to go look for women.