Not Sure About My Therapist

[Guest Avery F]

Hey everyone,

I had a couple of questions about therapists, as I'm not entirely sure that my own is being as helpful as she could be.

So, the background - my therapist is not actually a gender therapist, but she has worked with transpeople before me, and has a bunch of non-trans-specific degrees and a great reputation. In our sessions, she's always been very respectful, used the proper pronouns and names, and in general given good advice on a lot of different things. I like her. However, she seems to be rather wishy-washy sometimes when talking with my parents (who are not exactly supportive of my gender identity). She basically says that she personally believes I'm transgendered, but that really the only one who can know what gender I am is me, and in fact she can't confirm or disprove anything. While I agree with this view, it seems to me (from accounts I've read online) that a lot of gender therapists take a much firmer stance on the issue, and are willing to state absolutely that a patient is transgendered or not. I don't think my therapist's attitude is because she feels she's not qualified, as a gender therapist would be - she's said several times that no one apart from me, not even a gender therapist, can say what gender I am.

Basically, what I'm asking is, does my therapist sound like she's really doing her best to help me, or could she be doing more here? If she is doing all she can, okay, I can work with that, but if not then should I look into another therapist, one who will take a more decisive viewpoint on things?

Thanks for reading, I'd appreciate any help on this.

Avery

[Guest Ann Onymous]

Quite frankly, I have never liked shrinks who adopt a check-box approach to diagnostics. In a good counseling environment, they SHOULD take the information given and process it in a manner that likely identifies the source of the presenting problem. Being transsexual is NOT something that they can give a definitive answer to...they can narrow down to the issue but ultimately, once you have been given that diagnosis, it is up to you to determine if it fits. It is not like cancer or some other condition where they can look at some cells under a microscope and make a determinate diagnostic conclusion...

[Guest John Chiv]

Avery,

Your therapist is someone who is doing what a therapist should be, listening but letting you figure out the answers, with the right process and support. Gender therapist is a title and that does not make one a good therapist or even qualified. Your therapist has a great rep, she has worked with trans people, she has degrees and she can write that letter.

If a therapist was telling you how to think, how to behave, and what your answers should be, I'd be concerned. A good therapist should be helping you work through and find your own identity. A good therapist is someone who you trust and who respects you.

I went through this dilemma. I live in a rural,small town with only one gender therapist. I was doing well and the only place I was depressed was after our sessions. She was not doubting my gender identity disorder but struggling that I could be transsexual and conservative and Catholic. I did not fit in her box. I did not fit her definition of a man as a feminist therapist. She tried to get me to doubt I was a man, transsexual, tried to delay my starting HRT by putting down my medical doctor. She failed because I knew who I was and that I should not be depressed after our sessions because she was the reason, not my dysphoria.

Thankfully, I found another good therapist, who I have not seen for a while due to finances. Still the tools the second therapist provided me and my own determination has had me survive some major changes in my second year of transitioning. The second therapist does not have the title of gender therapist but she has also worked with trans people, she has been supportive, she has helped me with more than my gender identity issues.

Maybe she is "wishy-washy" with your parents because she is waiting to see how you feel and allowing the child and parent relationship to just be right now until you are ready.

John

[Guest Avery F]

Thanks for the replies! I'm glad you think my therapist is on the right track - I really do like her, and would have felt bad about telling her I needed a new therapist.

Just to clear up any possible confusion, the therapist wasn't being wishy-washy with ME, just with my parents. With me, she agreed one hundred percent that I was male as soon as I felt one hundred percent sure about it - which I have for quite a long time. She's not waiting to see how I feel, because we've both known how I felt for a long time. It just seems like as soon as my parents enter the picture, she becomes very hesitant to express any definite opinions. Whatever. It sounds like you folks think she's doing well, anyway, so I'll stick with her until my eighteenth birthday at least (just a few weeks away!), at which point I'll be going to a clinic in Boston which specializes in transgender issues. Thanks again for your input.

[Guest John Chiv]

Avery,

Have you talked to her about how you feel regarding the parents and her support for you in that matter? You seem to have a good relationship and honest communication and you have the right to express something that is bothering you.

John

[Guest Avery F]

John,

I've mentioned it in passing, but will probably be a little more specific at our next meeting. Yes, I'm very glad our relationship is a good one; my previous therapists (all four of them... jeez) were either unqualified or did not treat me in a respectful manner. I feel quite lucky to have such a good therapist now

Thanks again,

Avery

[Guest Ann Onymous]

My guess would be that your parents are looking for answers that are put forth in terms of absolutes...and diagnosis in this regard is NOT something that comes in an absolute fashion. Further, when dealing with minors, therapists are also wary of liability issues precisely because parents do not always like to abdicate their responsibility for assessing what is best for the minor child.

Personal experience taught me that my parents overlooked or were otherwise in denial about MANY obvious clues about my situation, with those clues having dated back to early elementary school years...and I doubt things have changed much nearly 40 years later. Your parents may well have overlooked many things about your situation and now they are effectively being slapped in the face with those very components of denial...and that can create problems with acceptance.

[Guest John Chiv]

Avery,

You are a very impressive young man. I hope your therapist gets off the "wishy-washy" couch and supports you in helping your parents understand what you are going through.

John

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Here is probably what is going on, my opinion. She will NOT be firm with your parents until you tell her to. She is waiting for that affirmation that you are 100% in agreement with the transsexual diagnosis, and you INSIST your parents support you. That is how therapists work.

Example: I had to ask for HRT before my therapist would even bring it up.

Lizzy

[Guest John Chiv]

It's a good thing I like my therapist a lot or Lizzy would have her hands full counseling me. Lizzy, you are smart and you get it and we agree, on well, almost everything.

Hugs,

John