For Those Who Aren't Transitioning

[Guest Janice Lynn]

I wish I could thank each one of you personally for expressing so well what it is like ...

how it feels ... to be transitioning without necessarily opting for hormones or surgery.

After all, it seems what we are all about is struggling for ways to embrace who we

know ourselves to be and give that inner man or woman room to blossom and become

all that he or she can be. If it is true for any person without the burdens we bear,

why shouldn't each of us enjoy the same? The bookshelves are sagging with "self-help"

books encouraging people to "be all that we can be." Why not us? I see the same

encouragement for us.

Speaking a bit from my spiritual side, if I may, I believe I will have disappointed the Giver

of Life immensely if, after coming to realize my transsexual nature, I did not attempt to

live and learn and grow according to the "terms" set out for me. It took me years to

realize that being transsexual was not a curse. It is a gift. I would not for one minute

want to give up the inner woman within me for what others might call being a "real man."

Of course we are in transition. To not be in transition is to die just a little day by day,

never daring to explore or change or risk anything. We simply find ourselves at a place

in our lives where we cannot or will not take the step of making our physical selves

match or conform to our psychological or spiritual selves. There are many reasons why

this is so. They are acceptable at face value.

I enjoy being a woman on the inside and would not want to be anyone else. What I am

sure of is that I am at the point of not caring what someone I don't know thinks about

something I think, say, or do that is thought to be feminine. As I have said to my wife,

who now agrees with me, does it really matter if, should we have an accident and are

taken to the hospital, a nurse discovers I am wearing Hanes for Her? And if she does,

does it matter? Does it matter that apart from "down there" I choose to keep my body

free of hair? Am I supposed to care if someone notices? Isn't that they notice their

problem, not mine?

Geez .... I'm ranting. My apologies. What I am trying to say is simply that the decision

not to transition physically does not excuse us from being the most complete man or

woman we are on the inside. If we do less we are cheating ourselves of some of the most

wonderful joys and pleasures of life, denied only because we decided that because we

could not fully transition in the physical sense we were excused from the rest of the

enjoyments of who we are.

Hugs,

Janice Lynn

[Guest ricka]

Hi All! I so appreciate this thread and hope everyone will read it regardless of how you identify yourself. The inclusiveness of the people on Laura's is what makes this such a very special place in the world. So what makes a person fit in here? Maybe it's just accepting each other for who we are. And this ultimately connected to accepting ourselves.

A bit about me: I am a transsexual woman who does not find transitioning necessary in the narrow sense of the word to be who I am. I naturally have the T and E levels of a woman with the expected physical/psychological characteristics. I gave up fussing about having the wrong genitalia a long time ago. Financially I could not see that corrective surgery was in my future and after all I am a transsexual woman and not a gg and have learned to be contented to be who I am. None of us got to pick the cards we were dealt in life but we can learn to play them as skillfully as we can and have a life worth living in the process.

Miss Ricka

[Guest Janice Lynn]

Ricka, thanks so much for your post here. I do think we, as transgendered people (or whatever others

may wish to call us), need to reject the notions of popular culture as being equal to that of the pro-

fessional community. I may be wrong, but it seems to me that from the perspective of our popular

culture, transsexuals are those who, particularly if we are male-to-female transsexuals, are validated

by our admission that we have had SRS. I reject that notion out of hand because it defies common

sense or logic. Is sensible or logical for a person to declare that they have this or that physical or

psychological condition ONLY when we have been treated for it? Of course not. Why presume a

transsexual is any less a transsexual if they do not fully transition and have SRS?

There are many of us who, for any number of reasons ... inadequate financial resources, religious

convictions, health considerations, and others ... choose or are forced to choose outcomes other

than SRS. That is life as it was given to us. That is the hand we were dealt. That does not make

our pain or angst, or suffering any less real than those who are able to fully, completely transition.

I'm honestly, truly happy for them. No one should be forced to suffer as we do; but we are not

always able to dictate the terms of our hurting.

My hope and prayer is that WE may begin to push the envelope and begin insisting that as an

educated society we may expect to be treated as full and equal citizens, free not only from fear,

but from those who might make the "carry letter" or SRS the standard. I know it is a dream at

this point but, if my dreams came true, our culture would gives us room to manuever without

fear or intimidation.

Thanks for having your ear!

Love ya, Jan

[Guest ricka]

So much truth woven so beautifully throughout this thread! Perhaps not all of us are transitioning in the narrow sense of the word but all of us are becoming the people we were born to be.

Miss Ricka

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Johnny:

Awesome thread, man!

Janice Lynne:

Wise words, girl! Heart-felt passion too! When I came of age in the 1960s, I noticed that ORGANIZED and SUSTAINED effort is what is necessary to change society. People of color, gays and lesbians and others have it much, much, much better now than they did them. If you're old enough to remember those days, then you know this is true. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. The Stonewall Riots in New York in 1969. These events culminated organized and sustained effort and, indeed, positive change came to be.

Rock on, Janice Lynne.

Ricka:

It takes a person of exceptional strength and character to say what you said and do what you do. I can only send respect and admiration your way. Rock on, Ricka.

Peace Lacey

[Guest Janice Lynn]

Lacey, thank you for your kind and caring words; yet I know we insufficient in numbers

to have much effect on the general populace.

What we do have is the right to present ourselves as we truly are without fear of abuse,

physical or otherwise. We cannot force people to accept us just as we are ... pass all

the laws you want but you can't force me to accept the idea that there are those who

are simply born different from that general populace. It cannot be done. Laws are laws

but changing peoples hearts and souls is a different matter. I wish I had an answer to

this, but I do not.

People's attitudes and opinions aside, you and I have the right to present ourselves as

the women we are without fear for our safety and without fear of verbal abuse. I'll admit

that there may be times when we do it poorly, but anyone and everyone should feel

safe. Our work is about making the world a safer place for those still unborn who will

enter this world and discover their minds and bodies rest on different poles or, at the

very least, seriously differ from the norm. I do not hold to illusion that I will see such a

world during my lifetime, but we must start somewhere.

Let it be here and now.

As ever, Jan

[Guest ricka]

Hi All! I love the inclusiveness of Laura's. Transitioning is not the same thing as living authentically. Being able to "pass" is not the same thing as living authentically. And I so agree with the statement that no person is more or less transgendered than another.

Miss Ricka

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Yes older post here, but the fact remains, everyone at Laura's Playground is valid. Unlike other sites with snotty, quibbling going on, we value EVERYONE!.

Each of us is what we are, and that is perfectly okay!

Lizzie

[Guest Jenny C]

Yes ! great thread !!!

Love,

Jenny

[Guest ThisisSparkle]

I once reposted a quote on facebook durring last junes gay month that i cant wait till everything just becomes "normal", because thatwill be the day. I got a lot of flack from a family member about it. He asked if it was my new movement. He supported against gay marriage.

The point isnt whether or not in either direction the conversation went but that my belief that the world has the basic ability that one day to possibility to acheive the acceptance of all things natural.

Naturally we accept so many things about the world as it is. It will make me so unbelievably happy to see in my lifetime or my childrens a world where people are accepted for the amazing people that they are not for their have-to-be's.

I dont want to have to be a male anymore than a "regular" male wants to be a female against how they feel about themselves. Being a natural womal inside is a wonderful feeling. At the time of the post on facebook i hadnt come to my realization but my life is more full in itself. More fullfilled. I found the truth about everything and it has changed my life.

The hard issue is that the world has a hard time seeing the truth in its fullest in all things. It still takes each day to get people to live with the basic apptitude of equality in all things. But i believe in a world that finally achieves it.

But within myself i found it and in it i found myself.

So for me its a beautiful life.

[Guest JessicaM1985]

Just wanted to chime in and say I'm really enjoying the community so far. While I'm very much female in the inside, I still have a small part of me that is inherently male. As I've said on here before, this has lead to me being put down on other places since I don't quite fit in the gender binary. Still, I've had great feedback from people here so far and I really do appreciate that people here place the feelings of others above ideas and definitions. You have no idea how great it feels to not feel pressured into anything and that I can be myself without judgment. Thank you!

[Guest rikkicd64]

I wish I could thank each one of you personally for expressing so well what it is like ...

how it feels ... to be transitioning without necessarily opting for hormones or surgery.

After all, it seems what we are all about is struggling for ways to embrace who we

know ourselves to be and give that inner man or woman room to blossom and become

all that he or she can be. If it is true for any person without the burdens we bear,

why shouldn't each of us enjoy the same? The bookshelves are sagging with "self-help"

books encouraging people to "be all that we can be." Why not us? I see the same

encouragement for us.

Speaking a bit from my spiritual side, if I may, I believe I will have disappointed the Giver

of Life immensely if, after coming to realize my transsexual nature, I did not attempt to

live and learn and grow according to the "terms" set out for me. It took me years to

realize that being transsexual was not a curse. It is a gift. I would not for one minute

want to give up the inner woman within me for what others might call being a "real man."

Of course we are in transition. To not be in transition is to die just a little day by day,

never daring to explore or change or risk anything. We simply find ourselves at a place

in our lives where we cannot or will not take the step of making our physical selves

match or conform to our psychological or spiritual selves. There are many reasons why

this is so. They are acceptable at face value.

I enjoy being a woman on the inside and would not want to be anyone else. What I am

sure of is that I am at the point of not caring what someone I don't know thinks about

something I think, say, or do that is thought to be feminine. As I have said to my wife,

who now agrees with me, does it really matter if, should we have an accident and are

taken to the hospital, a nurse discovers I am wearing Hanes for Her? And if she does,

does it matter? Does it matter that apart from "down there" I choose to keep my body

free of hair? Am I supposed to care if someone notices? Isn't that they notice their

problem, not mine?

Geez .... I'm ranting. My apologies. What I am trying to say is simply that the decision

not to transition physically does not excuse us from being the most complete man or

woman we are on the inside. If we do less we are cheating ourselves of some of the most

wonderful joys and pleasures of life, denied only because we decided that because we

could not fully transition in the physical sense we were excused from the rest of the

enjoyments of who we are.

Hugs,

Janice Lynn

Very well said Janice, I will probably not go on hormones or have surgery, because of health and age, but I am still a woman and I choose to be the best I can be.

Thanks for this post.

Rikki...

[Guest Janice Lynn]

Thank you, Rikki. I put up the post you quoted 3 months ago today and if anything

I believe what I wrote then even MORE today.

I say this because during the past three months of transitioning without benefit of

HRT ... though I have the letter to my GP from my GT recommending them ... my

wife and I have together become closer and more in love with one another because

she has accepted me as Janice and together we have found ways to reshape our

marriage into something incredibly wonderful. And I must say that the first 40+

years were good ones, but this part of our journey has been something far more

powerful than either one of us ever expected.

If I had not decided to transition and my wife had not taken on the challenge of

transitioning with me, none of the incredible things that have happened would have

ever taken place and we would never have known what we missed. Sure, there

have been a lot of tears, but they watered the seeds of something really wonderful.

To stop now would be a tragedy.

Cordially, Jan

[Guest Guest_SL]

I had lived with the truth for a very long time before I even knew what the truth was. If you can find them, or cared to, my story is scattered in various places around the site and over a period of two years. I traveled a long way to get here and it took a bit more time to post.

Each time I log onto the site, I hesitate. Each time I post, I hesitate. When I hit the post button, an instant later, I'm filled with doubt and regret. The longer I remain on the site, the more I post, as much as I try to belong, the stronger the desire becomes to leave and pretend this never happened. Pretend I made it all up. Write it off as some strange compulsion. I have shared with two friends, one was extremely supportive and upbeat and said she felt I had found my real self and freedom to be that person. She stopped communicating with no warning or explanation and replied to none of my E's asking what was the problem. The other friend, a lesbian, was also supportive and then sort of let the issue slide away and now she's putting distance between herself and me. I try so very hard to be honest, helpful and supportive of those with whom I interact here. And I feel as if my advice or input or own posts are not really welcome. I try to tell myself that's the years of self doubt and destroyed confidence in my role as a son, a husband, a father, as anything I hoped to be through the years. There was only one place wherein I was truly comfortable and that was deep in the bowels of four ships with only myself and my machinery. Machinery is beautiful. It doesn't judge or question. It is nothing but my slave and my master. It's my slave if I know what I'm doing and it's my master if I fail. I never failed. I never felt alone, I never had doubts or fears. I had become a part of the machinery and I did as it did. Functioned as trained.

It was on a chilly, windy but beautiful day in the Bay when I walked away from my last ship and I can close my eyes and see her right now. I'll never feel that freedom again and I'm only kidding myself to think I will. Here or anywhere else.

When the end comes for me it will only be a failure of my life support. Machinery that has become worn out and can no longer function. Not death. Just obsolete.

[Svenna]

I had lived with the truth for a very long time before I even knew what the truth was. If you can find them, or cared to, my story is scattered in various places around the site and over a period of two years. I traveled a long way to get here and it took a bit more time to post.

Each time I log onto the site, I hesitate. Each time I post, I hesitate. When I hit the post button, an instant later, I'm filled with doubt and regret. The longer I remain on the site, the more I post, as much as I try to belong, the stronger the desire becomes to leave and pretend this never happened. Pretend I made it all up. Write it off as some strange compulsion. I have shared with two friends, one was extremely supportive and upbeat and said she felt I had found my real self and freedom to be that person. She stopped communicating with no warning or explanation and replied to none of my E's asking what was the problem. The other friend, a lesbian, was also supportive and then sort of let the issue slide away and now she's putting distance between herself and me. I try so very hard to be honest, helpful and supportive of those with whom I interact here. And I feel as if my advice or input or own posts are not really welcome. I try to tell myself that's the years of self doubt and destroyed confidence in my role as a son, a husband, a father, as anything I hoped to be through the years. There was only one place wherein I was truly comfortable and that was deep in the bowels of four ships with only myself and my machinery. Machinery is beautiful. It doesn't judge or question. It is nothing but my slave and my master. It's my slave if I know what I'm doing and it's my master if I fail. I never failed. I never felt alone, I never had doubts or fears. I had become a part of the machinery and I did as it did. Functioned as trained.

It was on a chilly, windy but beautiful day in the Bay when I walked away from my last ship and I can close my eyes and see her right now. I'll never feel that freedom again and I'm only kidding myself to think I will. Here or anywhere else.

When the end comes for me it will only be a failure of my life support. Machinery that has become worn out and can no longer function. Not death. Just obsolete.

Sara,

I am so sorry you feel as you do, but I don't know what to say...

Please, know that it is never too late to make ones life better, it is always to soon to give up hope..

Stay with us, please?

Love and a big hug for YOU!

Svenna

[JJ]

Sara lee

Less than two years ago I felt that same sense of helplessness and despair. I thought it was just too late for me. I didn't say it much here even back then. There was a euphoria when I discovered i wasn't alone and that what had plagued me all my life made sense and had a name. Followed by a searing regret that for me it came too late. I was bed-ridden, my muscles had atrophied and my weight climbed well over 320 lbs. How far over I will never know because I hadn't weighed in several months when I started changing. Probably closer to 330 or even 340 but I don't count from there because I don't know. I did know that the outdoors life I loved was forever gone. The beauty and solitude of the woods I moved here for was forever beyond me. And mocked me as my land adjoins the national forest. I couldn't even stand long enough to heat a meal much less cook as I also love. I had books and gaming and food. Not enough.

I had set a date to opt out and plans in place carefully thought out so it would seem like a physical problem rather than a suicide since my physical condition was already so bad-though in a way it was a waste of effort because I was failing rapidly anyway-when I somehow decided to try what I had been told by my Dr as well as myself was impossible. Especially at my age and with my physical challenges including Lupus, Fibromyalgia, asthma and atrophied muscles as well as serious back and joint problems.

I had nothing left to lose by trying and somehow didn't want to die defeated and broken.

And now 15 months later my life is better than I could ever have envisioned. I hike that forest at will. In fact am addicted to it and spend almost 100 hours a month out there-snakes and ticks and storms and all. I've lost at least 180 lbs-probably closer to 200 and all the fat from my body. I feel great and I feel happy. I am fundamentally at peace in a way I never have been before. I thought I was broken physically and emotionally. Neither was true-though I was pretty bent I'll admit

I am not extraordinary. I'm old and financially devastated by a bad financial adviser and a theft my my mother's last husband as well as my own efforts to heal my inner pain with money. I still have huge challenges but I can meet them and a depression that lasted most of 50 years has gone at last.

If you need to transition to live and be happy then do it. You are entitled to a life. If you need to not transition but do other things to be happy then do them.

It isn't really about transition so much as doing what you have to do to have a good fulfilling life.

And it IS possible. My signature lines are my philosophy of life.

They are true. My life is proof and I have seen it time and again in the lives of others.

Be true to yourself and you will find it makes it all worth it. If I die today it was worth it. Because I did what had to be done.

As long as you are still drawing breath you can have a good life. You can make it better.

Johnny

[Svenna]

I love you, Johnny!

Such a wonderful extension of your heart and soul for another fellow traveller...

Please, Sara, know that these words are not just hot air to chap yer hide, lol...

Things CAN be changes, and for the better, really they can!!!

Love and HOPE to you, Svenna

[Guest Dillinger]

That is really good to know. It can be really difficult for people who, due to a variety of reasons, cannot currently or might never transition to find support. Sometimes the LGBT community seems to want to forget those who don't have a completely defined sense of self or sexuality and that lack of support is hurtful. The internet can be the only outlet for some of us to find advice and help. I am glad to have stumbled upon this site.

[Guest DianeATL]

I really appreciate this thread. When I first came here I used a CD label because I am not transitioning (yet) and don't know if I am strong enough to do it. The more time I have spent researching and thinking and talking with others, I am convinced that I am not a man who needs a feminine fling every so often, but am truly a woman hiding inside this mansuit.

I have so much respect for the guys and girls who take the bold steps to be who they were meant to be and so I still feel a little like a fraud or unworthy to call myself TG. I can assure you that my heart and head are with you all the way even if my body is lagging a little behind. Thank you for such a wonderful forum and group of people.

[Guest Jennifer T]

I've been welcome here several times since I joined a few years ago. You all know that this whole trans thing is pretty difficult. When I first came here and started spilling my guts, I felt like at once I had given out wayyyy too much info and was scared while simultaneously feeling exuberant that I'd put it out there. And I get wishy washy with it - I back away and then I come back.

Inside, the battle rages. I want to lay T to rest so badly and set Jennifer free that it often leaves me a useless heap on the floor. And other days, I suck it up, give thanks for the good things I have in my life and do the job T was created to do.

I have no idea where the future will lead me. I do not think I have the strength to withstand the losses I know will come if I were to transition. And I know right now I don't have the courage to simply end.

But, I know I need a place to come, even if sporadic, even if only virtually, where I can let the heart of Jennifer express her self. And this is the only place I do so.

Talking recently with another member, I told her how difficult it is to watch others (in support group setting I used to attend) achieve what I dream of. They move forward and become beautiful and free while I stay stagnant. The discussions move to things I have no experience with and the desire and pain drown my heart. And I remain powerless.

And honestly, it does make you feel like an outcast. Always sitting on the outside looking in.

But thank you for those of you who, even knowing where you made it to, understand that some cannot get there, but their hearts still beat in that direction.

Peace.

[Guest LizMarie]

Regardless of what you choose, Jennifer, we are here for you and we will be here for you. An informal estimate suggests that about 4 out of 5 or even 5 out of 6 trans persons never transition. Some find means of coping in other ways. Some are simply too afraid, of all sorts of things. Those fears are real and valid and must be weighed against everything else.

But no matter what you choose, you are not alone and we do care about you.

[Guest AshleighP]

Nice to know others share some of my frustrations. Sometimes I feel like a failure for not deciding to take the next step and other times I am comfortable where I am. I guess that's a good indication not ot make any drastic changes

[Guest LizMarie]

Ashleigh, the simplest advice I can give is only transition if you must. And what constitutes must? You decide that but for many of us it came down to serious self-harm or transitioning, which really isn't much of a choice.

If you need to transition, you'll figure it out. And if you're never driven to do that? Then wonderful for you! It doesn't invalidate any trans feelings you have, or experiences, or make you any less than anyone else. You simply may be one of those fortunate enough to deal with GID without transitioning, which is actually rather fortunate and wonderful for those who can go that route.

Think of transitioning as the chemotherapy of treatments. If there are other treatments available first, you definitely want to consider those.

[Charlize]

There is certainly no rush and no reason to feel badly about any decision. We all have our own paths and time lines. I finally had to transition but that was my path. I simply could no longer find comfort and had to transition. We all make our own ways and none is better than another. Finding some peace with ourselves is the goal of any path.

Hugs.

Charlie

[tracy_j]

Being here a while has made me more confident about who and where I am. It has not made fitting into society any easier but I now know more about others who have similar issues and their experiences.

I must admit in a way I feel a little bit different when I read posts by those who have transitioned or seriously contemplate doing. There are many here who have major issues with who and where they are. I recognise that and try to help where I can. One thing I find with having a feminine side is that some things are really scary and hurt. Obviously I cannot really but I just step into their shoes mentally and it does not feel good.

I have a number of reasons why I am never likely to transition fully. The main one is that I have always felt 'somewhere in the middle' between male and female. What I have learned here has not changed things in any way. Now I am more confident moving around in society being neither fully male or female. It attracts some attention as you may realise but I can cope if that is not too great as I am far happier.

I could live life as a man or woman - it does not worry me either way. Sometimes (or circumstances) I like to dress male and sometimes female. I jump around a little. To me in general dressing ideally really feminine but not specifically as a woman. Physically I am male. I like characteristics of both male and female but would not see any point in surgery. Sexually (physically) I can only really be one or the other so I am as I am (neither does not feel right physically as I would not like to be a hermit / celibate).

That said - I see great value in being here and participating in discussion! I am not a therapist, or trained in any part of transitioning etc but I have been around a few years and have experience of life and people. That is true for most everyone else as well so everyone has a place here. I know things never last for ever but it is nice to feel part of things.

Thanks to Johnny for starting this discussion

Love

Tracy x