I Guess This Is A Turning Point

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

I haven't really got a specific point to posting, I just feel like I need to share what happened today.

My partner told me she loves the man I am inside...that she loves Gabe...also that if she could afford it she'd get me top surgery right now and even bottom surgery if I wanted it. Just to hear her express that was so important. It's so what I needed to hear.

She also told me that I need to get help for my depression and a gender therapist coz she's seriously scared that she's gonna wake up one morning and find that I'm not here coz I couldn't bear to live in this body any more. It was a shock to hear that coz I hadn't realised that things had got low. I guess...well you don't see the danger signs in yourself when you're actually there do you.

Between the 2 things I guess it's given me the kick up the backside I needed to set myself an action plan.

I can't sit here being afraid of what might happen if I do anything any more. Putting it off isn't a safer option any more.

Gabe

[Guest John Chiv]

Gabe,

Mate this is huge. I am so happy for you and Cariad. Give her a big hug. And now you need to go find that gender therapist. I am here for you.

John

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Oh Gabe!

That is such wonderful news. We have watched such a struggle, and then you update with this?

Oh my! I am so happy for you!

Lizzy

[Guest JaniceW]

Gabe,

You are a very lucky man to have such a loving partner.

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Thank you John, my sister is coming to help me phone the mental health team tomorrow and I'm going to try to get an appointment with my GP on thursday to ask for a referral to a gender therapist. I've been putting it off coz I've been scared but I'm not going to any more.

Thank you Lizzy. It feels like it's been an important day.

Thank you Janice, yeah I feel very lucky to have her. I also feel lucky to have my kids and my sister who Have also showed today that they're trying to be here for me even though they don't know about most of what I'm dealing with.

Gabe

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Gabe - I wanted to thank you so for talking with me. It isn't I let it go, it's because of a different reason - I just didn't get back to you.

Yes - a wonderful day for you!

Love you

Lizzy

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

It's ok Lizzy, I understand. It was good talking to you though. I know things must get so busy for mods round here and then there's a personal life and all your own stuff to fit around it too...but if you ever have a free moment and want a chat feel free to drop me a message any time, k?

hugs

Gabe

[Sally]

Gabe,

This is some of the most wonderful news that I have heard in a long time - total acceptance by Cariad - what a remarkable lady she is to see the man that you are and realize that she loves the person not just the vessel.

I am so happy for you - your family accepting and trying to understand - these are major supports that many do not have, let them know that you appreciate them fully.

As always, we are here for you - looking forward to talking to you again soon.

Love ya,

Sally

[gennee]

Gabe, It's wonderful that you have a supportive partner. Get all the help you need.

Gennee

[Carolyn Marie]

Outstanding news, Gabe. Yes, when you realize its time, there is little that will stand in your way. It becomes an urgency that you can't ignore. As long as Cariad is there to share your journey, keep you focused and cheer you on, I know it will turn out all right. Congrats, hon.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Thank you Sally...she's wonderful.

Thank you Gennee.

Thank you Carolyn. Tomorrow I'm seeing my GP to ask for a referral to a gender therapist. I'm terrified. This man has known me all my life. Tomorrow he's gonna meet Gabe for the first time.

I also have to talk about some other really scary stuff and ask for another referral in the same appointment.

Help!

Gabe

[Guest John Chiv]

Gabe,

Keep us posted.

John

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

I saw my GP yesterday. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to coz there was a mix up with arranging the appointment but it turned out ok. Well it was awesome! I was terrified but I asked for both the referrals I needed. When I said I wanted to be referred to a gender therapist my GP didn't miss a beat...I could have been saying I had a headache for all that he reacted! My partner explained a little more coz it's difficult for me to communicate and said I didn't feel female and he just looked at me and said 'well that's nothing to be ashamed of!'

Apparently the red tape says that he has to refer me to the mental health team first to 'check I'm in my right mind' and then they will write to him and say it's ok for him to refer me to a gender therapist and we can go from there. It's probably gonna take quite a while to get the appointment coz recent government cuts to the mental health service budget have made the waiting list even longer than usual. It feels better just to know that I've started the process though.

Then in the evening My partner and I and our youngest son went to the theatre group that my son and I go to and they were doing photos there. We got one with all of us and my sister in and I looked at me in the picture and could almost see a guy. It felt good.

Even my mum commented that I seemed better than I've been recently emotionally...if only she knew why! lol

Next step - talk to my kids!

I feel like I'm getting somewhere rather than playing some pretend game at last. It feels so much more hopeful than everything did just a few days ago.

Gabe

[JJ]

Gabe you really have taken a big step on that journey to live as your true self. Congratulations!

It's quite a journey but for me at least has been worth every step.

All the best

Johnny

[Guest Syrra]

Gabe,

You have already taken probably one of the most difficult steps there is... The First Step.

VERY proud of you, here, and I hope that you find more and more of the real you as you move forward.

~hugs~

~Syrra

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Thank you Jonny and Syrra.

I just talked to my kids. I didn't know what to say to them so I just explained that I feel like I shouldn't have been born a girl I should have been born a boy instead and they think it's really cool...they actually seemed really excited. They asked a few questions like can you have an operation to make you into a man and will you still look like you and stuff like that. I explained that there are operations but there is also testosterone and showed them a video on youtube where someone had shown pictures of themself both before and during their transition. They both thought it was great and my youngest said 'I want to see you with a beard' lol.

We warned them that my parents don't know yet and they said that's ok and they will be careful what they say in front of my parents. I don't want them to have to keep a secret like this for too long though coz that wouldn't be fair on them so I know I need to tell my parents and sister pretty soon. My mum's not gonna be happy...my sister will probably not understand coz she has a language processing problem that effects her ability to understand things, then as she will turn to my mum to help her understand and my mum will say bad things about it to her she will have trouble accepting it even though she is much more accepting and open in general than my mum. My father will treat it like one giant joke and mock me at every opportunity.

I'm basing that assumption on when I came out as 'gay' to them (well at least I can tell them I straight after all!...don't think that will lessen the blow though lol)

My partner and kids support me though and that's what really matters to me. They are my real family and they are awesome so that's what matters.

I can't believe how awesomely my kids took this! I mean I knew they'd be ok about it but I thought they might think it was a bit weird or take a bit of time to understand...but they were just straight away 'that's cool'!

I have wonderful kids...well of course I do coz my partner is their mum and she's awesome and has brought them up to be very open minded.

[Guest Syrra]

Sometimes our kids, if you treat them as people, can be your biggest asset and some of your staunchest proponents. I know my daughter is.

Great for you, Gabe!

And don't stress too much about your parents until that time comes...maybe gather some informative literature to take with you, if you have a problem expressing it completely...?

~hugs~ Always the best for you.

~Syrra

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Thanks Syrra. My kids are awesome. They're in the midst of early teens so they can be stroppy as anything but when we really need them to come through on something they are fantastic. Ever since I first met them I have respected them as people with opinions worth listening to. I remember the second time we met walking along the street with them discussing religion and afterlife on a really quite intellectual level and we still have conversations like that from time to time. When I was a kid my father treated me like I didn't know anything so I should keep quiet and stay out of conversations (actually he still treats me like that now!). I think kids have valuable opinions and love talking to my kids.

The number of things my kids have taken like they were no big deal when a lot of people would definitely think they were a big deal is amazing. Like the first time they met me and all they said about me being in a wheelchair was that it was cool when I taught them how to do wheelies! A lot of people don't know how to treat me but it never fazed them...and when me and their mum got together and we thought that meant she was gay...well they thought that was cool and were really happy to get a new step-mum...and now that step-mum is actually a step-dad, well they think that's cool too!

Nothing fazes these kids!

I think maybe writing a letter to my mum and sister may be the best idea and then leaving my mum to tell my father coz he never listens to me and pretends he can't understand me anyway. Having information they can read would definitely be a good idea. Thank you for the idea.

I'm trying to not stress about it too much. I can't change their reactions by stressing.

Gabe

[Guest John Chiv]

Gabe,

I am so proud of you. Glad things went well with your GP. But the best news was reading how the kids responded. Cariad and you and your kids are family. I wish you all the best when you talk to your mum and sister.

Let's go celebrate with coca -colas and I will put an extra blue umbrella in yours.

John

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Thank you John.

D'you know what was awesome today. I was talking to my youngest son and as usual when I'm saying something he doesn't want to hear he was refusing to look at me so he couldn't see what I was trying to say, and Cariad said to him 'Look at Gabe when he's trying to talk to you'. And it just turned what usually would have been a frustrating situation into a good one...my son probably wondered why I was grinning when he'd disrespected me lol

My kids are still saying 'she' and my old name but that's ok, they'll pick it up now that Cariad can freely use the right name and pronouns when she's talking to them about me or in front of them...and I will treasure this first time that happened today.

Cokes with blue umbrellas all round, my shout!

Gabe

[Guest John Chiv]

Gabe,

That is great. Cariad is a gem and now that she is comfortable, the kids will follow her lead. You had mentioned in a previous post that they were okay with Gabe. You do have a loving family, mate and that is all that counts.

John