A Woman Seeking Acceptance In A Hostile World

[Guest Maria Leeann]

Hello everyone,this is my first post on this site.

I am middle aged, married, and a Christian. I am brutally male in appearance. I was a loner, introvert, analytical and overly cautious.

If others were to classify me; I would be considered a pre-hormone, pre-op MTF.

I have been wearing feminine clothing on and off since before I was five. The first time I put on a dress and lipstick, my father ridiculed me, so it has been a private affair until about 3 years ago. My wife found my female attire. She had trouble accepting that I like to dress up as a woman.

About a year later, during a emotional crisis, lost chapters of my life opened up. I recalled a lot of memories that had been suppressed for many years. I came to the realization that I was a woman. This explained so many things about my life that I could never understand. I remembered that as I was growing up I always pictured/daydreamed myself as a girl, then a young lady. I loved reading my mother’s finishing books. I have never enjoyed sports and I wasn’t sure why. I had always wanted to stay with my mother to cook, clean and other feminine activities rather than spend time out on the farm with my father. It was hard for me to understand why I had the body parts of a male. Going through puberty was very difficult. I had many thoughts of suicide during this time. I realize now why I enjoyed looking at women or pictures of them. I envied them for the body I did not have. I envied the looks that other men gave them. I wanted men to look at me in the same way. I then understood why dressing as a woman felt normal to me. I felt complete. I realized that every time I had a thought or desire that conflicted with being a male, I had suppressed it.

Since the crisis, I have become an extrovert and sociable. I trust too easily. Most of my decisions are emotional ones. I wanted to be accepted as a woman, so I associated with other women. The overwhelming need to be accepted as a woman had led me to tell my story to women that I normally would not trust.

I was being seen by two different female counselors for other issues. I told both of them what I was. One had treated transgendered before, so she understood my position. The other one told me that this was a new subject for her, but she was very helpful and accommodating. Both of the counselors consulted with each other on my issues. I was told that I appeared to be comfortable with my role as a woman.

It is very difficult to assume my role as a woman in my environment. I must be careful with every action. There have been times that my wife has noted certain feminine actions. I have at times acted overly "male" to not appear feminine.

As a Christian, I feel that I need to remain in a relationship with the woman that I love. I married her “for better or for worse”. She only knows that I am a “cross-dresser”. I want to tell her the truth, but I know it would destroy her. Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest. I am trying very hard to let God lead me and show me the path I need to take. Maybe I am already living it. The hard part is accepting it. I want to be able to look in the mirror and see the woman that I am.

We make choices in our lives. Some of them better our life, some are meant to better other people's lives. I want to believe that I am making the right choice.

Knowing that I am a woman gives me a certain degree of peace.

I am a Woman and I desire to serve God.

Sincerely,

Maria Leeann

[Sally]

Dear Maria Leeann,

You have a very familiar story and I know that it is very difficult to manage to maintain a relationship with your wife after you begin to transition if that is your path but the good news is that there is no need to separate Transsexuality from Christianity - Jesus said to love everyone - there were no exclusions then and there should be none now - love everyone and expect the same from them.

Some will disappoint but then the ones that do not become such great and loyal friends.

You have just found a large family of people who will not disappoint.

Have some hot cocoa and some fresh baked cookies and just relax while you meet new people.

Love ya,

Sally

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Maria.

I think you will benefit greatly from being here and reading and posting in the forums. You are at that extraordinarily difficult stage when you know what you want to do, and what you have to do, but also what you fear to do. Most of us have been there, too, and can help you. The good news is, coming out to a spouse doesn't have to end in disaster. I feared that it would with mine, but its worked out over time and we are 20 months into this and doing all right. My wife is Catholic and from a conservative Catholic culture, but she has found room in her heart to love me as I am. I doesn't always turn out this well; most times it won't, but don't give up hope.

Please read the Terms and Condition of the site when you have time, as they are important in keeping the site safe for our younger members. A link is at the top of every page.

I look forward to reading your posts.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Maria Leeann]

Ladies, thank you for the welcome.

I neglected to mention that after the crisis, I told my wife that I was a woman. My emotions were going crazy and I reacted by telling her without thinking it through. Big mistake... She reacted quite negatively. I realized then what I had done. Her subsequent words and actions hurt me quite deeply. I thus recanted because I saw what it was doing to her and me. In doing this, I lied to her and to myself. After the interaction with her, I realized how this situation could have escalated. I love my wife very much and had no wish to hurt her.

Being a woman, I have learned that, at times, it is wise to keep my mouth shut.

I love having emotions that are so carefree, but sometimes they really scare me.

Maria

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Maria,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest John Chiv]

Welcome Maria. I am a fellow Christian. The ladies here who have been married can better answer and offer you support in some areas. However, as a human being and one who agrees with Sally that being Christian and transsexual is not impossible, I hope I can be there for any assistance should you need some.

I go to a Catholic church. I have a MTF friend going through the same feelings you are. I listen, I have been there and told her that regardless of whether she chooses to physically transition or not, she is a woman to me and that is how I treat her.

Perhaps you can find someone locally that gives you the safe space to be Maria; if not, we at Laura's are here for you.

John

[Cyndee]

Ladies, thank you for the welcome.

I neglected to mention that after the crisis, I told my wife that I was a woman. My emotions were going crazy and I reacted by telling her without thinking it through. Big mistake... She reacted quite negatively. I realized then what I had done. Her subsequent words and actions hurt me quite deeply. I thus recanted because I saw what it was doing to her and me. In doing this, I lied to her and to myself. After the interaction with her, I realized how this situation could have escalated. I love my wife very much and had no wish to hurt her.

Being a woman, I have learned that, at times, it is wise to keep my mouth shut.

I love having emotions that are so carefree, but sometimes they really scare me.

Maria

Welcome Maria to Laura's Playground.

Married here (26 years) and also grew up with Christian faith. I told my wife about my cross dressing before we were married and that was the right thing to do back then. However she has realized just how female I am inside and our relationship is changing. It's hard, really hard, because we really do love each other (soul mates). Open and honest communication is really the only way to go for someone you care about so much. I do wish you happiness Maria, this is NOT an easy path. My faith keeps me from going insane, prayer daily.

Hugs

Cynthia -

[Guest Syrra]

Welcome, Maria.

I too, am married, though we are not of the christian faith, so on that front I am afraid I don't have any words of wisdom that might help. But I can tell you this... My wife and I are working hard to make sure it works...that includes being openly honest about our feelings, where we are, what steps we are taking, and the way to go down the path. Your wife may well be reacting out of fear more than anything else. My wife often expresses to me just how scared she is. She knows that the fears are largely unfounded....that I love her and she loves me completely, but they ARE there and I respect her for telling me instead of hiding it. We are doing our level best to be completely transparent with each other and, so far, it's been going well. We talk almost nightly about our feelings to ensure that we keep that line of communication open.

In the long run, we have actually become stronger, more trusting of each other, and more loving of each other than the day we were wed 10 years ago.

While I cannot guarantee that yiour wife will have the same reactions and everything will go as well, communication will be key to moving forward with her. Without it, your lives will slowly turn down separate paths that may never meet again.

We are all here for you, so never fear speaking to us openly about things. We support each other as a real family should.

~hugs~

~Syrra