Starting To Open Up To The Community

[JJ]

Last night was the final performance of the play my daughter was directing and I went. I used to be active in the theater but hadn't even been except briefly the past year. I realized when I was there last night that I have been avoiding social events in this community because I was not ready to come out and I am acutely uncomfortable when people I know interact without knowing about the changes in my life. I go to the nearby bigger town to do any real shopping or activities and socialize almost exclusively with my family in real life.

I had to go early because my daughter had things she needed to do before the play and as i sat there waiting for people to arrive I realized just how difficult this was for me. And I was thinking more about my hair and voice and flat chest than about the fact that I had lost 80 lbs since I saw these people. That was their focus. Which I should have expected. A few were even nice enough to say they like my hair. (Which was true kindness since it is by far the worst haircut I have ever seen but thankfully in the few weeks since the cut it now no longer shows pink scalp from being shaved too close).

It was actually kind of funny but most people didn't recognize me till I spoke to them and a couple didn't ever seem to realize it was me even then. (Or they thought I had become way too butch and were too uncomfortable to talk to me). I was a little uneasy hoping they didn't think I was suddenly coming out of the closet that way. But only because it is the opposite of the truth.

Anyway after several statements from the president of the arts council about how much I had changed I said "Actually it's the result of an even bigger change" and told her what was happening and why. I didn't use the T word-way too weighted emotionally and I wanted to communicate without having to overcome all those stereotypes. But I did ask to be called JJ. And explained that I will increasingly look male. Happily she seemed very accepting-time will tell.

But the ball is rolling. I didn't ask her not to tell others and as my altered appearance is discussed-as it will be-then I expect my transition will be too. In a small community like this word will spread rapidly.

That scares me-and frees me at the same time. It was one thing to interact in town in the stores etc where people may wonder but won't confront and another to have people I relate to socially become aware. Once it's out I will be much more comfortable socially and will start socializing more again.

Could be interesting.

Somehow even here I can't completely open up about my feelings about this. About the fear, the discomfort and the hesitation I feel along with the drive to be seen and treated as what I am. Even if that treatment may not always be nice. At least it will be real and anything else just feels completely false..

Johnny

[Guest JaniceW]

JJ,

It is certainly a bitter sweet experience. You are so right when you say it is full of fear and relief at the same time. And there is that feeling of release as we realize that the proverbial die has been cast and now we can only wait to see how many spots are facing up. Just remember that you are not alone.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Somehow even here I can't completely open up about my feelings about this. About the fear, the discomfort and the hesitation I feel along with the drive to be seen and treated as what I am. Even if that treatment may not always be nice. At least it will be real and anything else just feels completely false.

Johnny

Somehow, I think you just rang the bell...

You have been swinging that sledge on that carnival game. It was always 'close but no cigar.' No more...

DING

You nailed it.

Welcome to the rest of your life - the rest of your life as yourself.

GRAND GRAND GRAND

Lizzette

[Carolyn Marie]

Johnny, if you were liked and respected in your community before (and I suspect you were) then it is extremely likely that you will remain liked and respected when people know you for who you really are. Good will and friendship seems to transcend the shock value of learning someone is trans. Nothing is 100 percent, but I would willingly place a large bet on your success. It's close enough for a sure thing for me.

I think your self confidence is finally getting to where it should be. You are feeling more comfortable in that new skin. I see good things ahead for you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest John Chiv]

Johnny,

You handled this so well. We do not have to use any specific words. You did come out and proudly. Fear paralyzes and coming out is freedom. Your concerns are valid in a small community that knows you. Janice, Lizzy and Carolyn have expressed other thoughts I had, so I will conclude with, I am so happy and proud of you my brother.

John

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Johnny.......

From those of us that crossed over before you to the daylight....

Congratulations.....

HUGGGGGGHS

Dee Jay