My Story

[Guest Demzon]

Way back when I was a kid living in the western part of Nebraska, Scottsbluff to be exact, was when I first remember things that were indications of things to come. First thing was that I really did not like doing things with the other boys; mostly they were jerks that didn't seem to want to include me anyway. The big one that was telling in retrospect though was when one of the only male friends I had at the time and I were at his place one day. We were playing some imaginary thing that we were making up as we went and I decided that my character was a girl that worked as a dancer on Broadway; he just went with it.

Later, we moved to the Denver area; Aurora. Again, I got along with the girls much better. At one point, and I can't place exactly when though, it occurred to me that the bits between my legs didn't seem quite right; so I tried to hide them. That worked for about a week before I got discovered doing this by my father; what is more amazing is that he was the only one that caught me doing any of this stuff ever. I got told how that is not what I should be doing and that I needed to be a normal boy. Not long after that I was caught trying to modify my clothing to be more girlish; got another lecture of the same, with the added expectation that I was to be a Marine some day. I gave in for the time.

When it came to puberty I got to watch the girls form out correctly, and me not; from what I saw at least. I pulled out any hairs that came out where I didn't think they should be, and went back to hiding the extra bits. I also started avoiding swimming, something that I actually enjoy, but I was really not comfortable with my top not covered.

I started becoming sexually active in middle school. The first few attempts I actually found an excuse to leave because something did not feel right. Eventually I found drugs and alcohol and I had no problems with letting her do what she wanted at that point. Problem is that I didn't stop. Now I see that I was avoiding reality through both, and making it easier for me to continue hiding. I did at some point realize that neither was helping me do anything, and quit both for the longest time. Presently I rarely drink, and when I do it is never more than two drinks even if I want more. Self control is one thing that did come out of all of it in the end.

That leads in to high school. There, I was able to talk my way out of the physical education requirement for first year some how. The main reason that I gave was not wanting to be naked around other boys; completely true. The one thing that sort of saved me is that the population of the school I was at was mainly goths, metal heads, and others that would normally be the weirdoes at the school; nope, the weirdos were the normal ones.

I quit high school as soon as I could and got my GED as soon as that was possible; literally, walked in to the testing center with no study for a year and passed with all scores above 70% of standard. I went to Job Corps, and later the Army; they booted me for telling the Drill Sargent that liked to ask if those that were not eyes front thought he was cute and were gay that he did look fairly good and that I was actually bisexual not gay. Before that I had a few male interests that were straight, but after I had an actual boyfriend for a bit. That relationship fit much better than any that I had before with a female, and I couldn't quite get why at the time; or didn't want to deal with it at least. That is also likely why I left.

Me first exposure directly to the TG/TS community was through him to, and may have slowed me down even more. There is plenty of talk of the stereotype of the grandly guy in women's clothes, in some ways these two were worse. The first one that I was introduced to had patchy beard stubble from partial hair removal and not shaving the rest for a day or two, and went on the entire time about how the aliens were working with the government to end all civilization; that was why they had brought Clinton in, apparently. The other I was introduced to went on for half the time about how it was a conspiracy that AOL would not let her use her real name and that she was not a number; after she got past that she was mostly ok though. So it was imprinted on to me that all transgendered persons of any type were just half mad and conspiracy nuts. That has been corrected obviously.

A few years later I was in a relationship with a boyish girl and we got married, and had two kids. I did tell her of my interest in women's clothing, but she took it as a fetish. Not much actual thought happened during that time really; I just sort of fell in to a habitual existence of being just barely over miserable. Others talk of thoughts and attempts of suicide. I never really got that far. I thought of it, sure. I always got to the point of planning it all out, and would find a few ways that it wouldn't work maybe, and thought of the pain involved if it didn't and then there was all the effort that would then be wasted. So I never got around to it; the advantages of over planing, fear of pain, and just being lazy in some ways. Eventually I got divorced, and ended up here in ******.

One thing that likely helped in correcting my view on the TG/TS community was taking a general psychology class. The instructor actually spent an entire class period on transgender persons, GID, and the LGBT community; more on the LGB parts than anything though. I read up on the subject of transgendered persons on my own a little. I research anything that interests me or that I have a feeling I should know more about.

At some point during October of 2010 it came to me that I was open about my being bisexual to the world; but in many ways I was still in the closet as far as my family was concerned. After a day I worked up the courage to bring up this subject to my mother; my father I still don't care if he knows or not, but that we will get to shortly. After talking to her for a little bit the words finally came out of "I am bisexual." she looked at me and said "ok; and... You're still the same person; it doesn't matter who you are attracted to." After a but more conversation I went somewhere else in the house and sat down. I sat thinking about how I had been scared of nothing; how I had tortured myself over all of this for so long for no reason. I came to a very deep introspective moment in my life that comes rarely. I sat for a while, thinking about all of this, and then I just stood up with out really thing about it. She was still sewing some stuff that needed repaired, so I went back to where she was. It was like all the things that had been hidden were now released with the release of the one; the cork in the bottle. When I was back in the same room these words came easier, and with much more confidence; "Mom, I'm also transgendered." This time she looks up in front of where she was sitting and said "well, I have plenty of women's clothing patterns right there. Let me know if you need help with any of them. What? Did you expect me to just kick you out or suddenly hate you? Your my child, and I will always love you; you should know that." Thus began the mad dash to confirm all that I knew and learn what I didn't to make sure I hadn't made a mistake.

In November my father did his normal thing of realizing he had ignored everyone in the family and feel guilty for it so get ahold of everyone; I filled him in on all that was going on. What I got back, I really would like to say was a surprise, but it really wasn't. He made a vague statement about that being ok, and then went on for a page about a girl he dated that was named Alison; he avoids things when he doesn't want to deal with them. He did invite myself and my kids over for dinner, so we went. I got an outfit together and set up before hand, so when he got to the door he saw me, not the illusion I had been presenting for years. He did get a bit peed at it; he turns red when he does and doesn't realize that. When we all got to his place his new wife talked to us quite a bit, but he hid most of the time. I got one letter from him after that saying that I should come over more often, and that we could make arrangements at some point; nothing more since I told him to just say when would work as I have quite a bit of availability due to working from home mostly. I told my mother about the lectures on being a boy and the causes as well. She said that she was never told about any of it.

My kids were probably the hardier part though. My Mom and me worked out to talk to them about this the week before all the holiday guilt from my father. I had read up on what others had done, and worked out what I thought would be good. So at dinner one day I asked my kids "what would you think of having a mother that was exactly the same type of person as me?" They both say that sounds good,so I started to explain it all; my son started to cry. My Mom stepped in and told him that I would still be there and the same person; just looking different. None of this worked. That night, after they were asleep, we arranged to go and get a quick and easy outfit for me to wear the next day. The next day came and they got up and dressed and she got them breakfast. I took a shower, dressed as a female, and got makeup on. Before I came in to view I called down the stairs to them asking "is the world suddenly different? Is everything bad for you guys suddenly?" they both sat in the living room saying no. Then I came downstairs. The first response was from my daughter saying "your dressed like a girl." Over the course of the day, they both came to the realization that I was still the same, that I still loved them, and that only the outside really changed. This was also the reason they were not surprised during the dinner with my father.

The schools around here have had no problems, and the kids at the school have no problems either. I have had a few meetings with the school staff because they were worried about if they should do anything different and what to watch out for so that my kids are not being discriminated against. The only people around here that have any problem with me are one family that knew me before and send their kids to a private school attached to church; little hint on the church: the main leaders for this church are in Utah. Everyone else treats me as if I was always a female, and are the same as ever beyond that. One checker at my local grocery store even told me that there is a fairly large amount of LGBT persons in the area; even though it is a very conservative town.

I even continued classes I was taking. I had taken a few semesters of classes before, and I was already signed up for classes this past semester, spring 2011. The ones I was taking were with people that I had classes with before too, and I am fairly well known on campus anyway. I have this top hat that I made a largish flower arraignment for and cast some bat wings for. So I was the guy with the really cool hat. Once I even had some local gang kids admitting it was cool; was down on 16th Street in Denver and a guy hanging out with his gang buddies all wearing the indicators of being in looked at me and said "that's what I'm talking about! I want a hat like that man! That would be cool as hell!" After transition I still have similar style tastes, and I still wear my hat. I was eating lunch in the student lounge and I had one girl that was in a class with me in the fall 2010 semester come over and say "that is a really cool hat. You know? There was a guy tha... I had a class with you last semester didn't I?" She sat down and talked to me for a while then.

On the train and bus system I have gotten some looks from people that ride the train all the time and put it together, but nothing more than that. I have had a few guys nice enough to help me with the huge tool case that I had to carry back and forth to class as well. Over all, my quality of life has been better since I stopped hiding who I was, and dealt with it directly as a whole me rather than the illusion of what some people expected me to be. I have only recently had anyone really say anything to me about it and that was online, two people intentionally calling me John, but they make ignore and block buttons for people like that, and the ones that defend them.

I have been seeing a psychologist since October, and she has agreed with my self diagnosis of GID. She is also supportive of going forward with HRT. I am was placed on a waiting list with the only endocrinologist in the area that has a background and association that I can trust. That was back in February, and they said they would call me back in 6-8 months to set an appointment for me 2-3 months out. So the psychologist said to call her when I need something as there is no point in seeing someone who is stable, sane, and dealing with the world fine. She suggested trying to get more involved, and that is part of why I'm here. The Gender Identity Center here in Denver is near downtown Denver, and I'm out in ******. Normally one could drive there, but I don't drive due to depth perception problems stemming from stabbing my right eye with a #11 X-acto knife when I was 5 years old; I was trying to be helpful in opening some boxes. The RTD buses only come down here in the morning and evening, so that makes that a pain. It then goes back to trying online. I have a mini support network that I have set up for myself, outside of that; another FtM that I know now here in ******, and a few friends mainly.

So that's the major points of me for now.

[Guest ranse]

Welcome to Laura's, Demzon. Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to almost everything you've said and truly appreciate you sharing how you explained transitioning to your children. Enjoy the community here.

[Guest Melanie54]

Truly an amazing story. You know I admire you're ability to take things thrown at you with a nonchalant attitude. I admire that immensely.

Melanie

[Guest Demzon]

Truly an amazing story. You know I admire you're ability to take things thrown at you with a nonchalant attitude. I admire that immensely.

Melanie

You know? I didn't used to as well. I started to not long before transitioning. Apparently it really kicked in after I did. I had the Jewelry and Metals department head comment on that when I came back. He said that I seems much more relaxed and comfortable about the world around me. I've always had a fairly Taoist view of the world though; worry about the things that I can do something about and do what I can with that I can't.

Funny story related to that from 16th Street mall again. I was on the shuttle there one time and talking to a guy about just that. I look out the window and say "Whoops... Just went right by my stop. Looks like I'm walking back a block." The guy I was talking to looks at me and says "You really do live that philosophy. I would have been cursing up a storm if I had done that." ^.^

... And that was me when I was tense.

[Guest Melanie54]

I recently mellowed out a bit my self, maybe not to the point that you are at though. It is just so much easier to just let things happen and not get so mad at them.

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Allison,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna