Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder.

[Guest (Lightsider)]

Often times when we look up this disorder we find this:

Borderline personality disorder

Personality disorder - borderline

Last reviewed: November 15, 2010.

Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others.

These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

The causes of borderline personality disorder (BPD) are unknown. Genetic, family, and social factors are thought to play roles.

Risk factors for BPD include:

•Abandonment in childhood or adolescence

•Disrupted family life

•Poor communication in the family

•Sexual abuse

==========================================================================================

Some of that is very vague and does not really get to the meat of the matter. Especially for those of us who are trans and have felt "we" were female from the moment we could choose toys and or walk. I was not sexually abused so I can not say this post has anything to do with that. So as you read this, keep in mind your Mileage may vary depending on your own life experience.

Poor communication in family? oook, that is very vague.

When I was diagnosed with this I was blown away and thought OMG it is the death nail of all diagnosis! The first thing I did was look it up on the internet and I started to surmise EUREKA! That is why I am borderline and have trouble forming relationships. Because my parents got a divorce and I felt abandoned. But that really never fit.

So I spoke to my counselor about it and I explained to her that I think I am borderline because of the people I have lost through out my life. She sat back and said, well let me give you my take on borderline.

She said "borderline is often caused when a child bumps his or her knee for example and gets hurt and starts to cry and those who are the parents or adults say NO you're knee does not hurt stop crying!" The developing mind starts having trouble linking the pain she of he feels to a state of reality.

She went on to say that the more a child's feelings are invalidated the more dysfunctional the child becomes and Borderline manifests ultimately as an adult. With me at least, my feelings that I was female were dismissed by my family constantly. Causing a confused state and eventual denial of who I really was. This in turn turned into a problem forming proper relationships and boundaries and led to some disastrous decision making.

When I finally found the courage to tell my mother who I was inside and she admitted she always knew and that she did every thing should could to make me conform, including using the fear of God and church and what society would do to me to keep me in line, it all made sense. My mother knew that I was some how female by the time I was five by observing many female traits. I had strong male roles in the family, my Dad and Brother and yet I went against all that was known to be right to my Mother. It literally scared her.

Don't get me wrong, I forgive my Mother. She came from another era and did what she thought was the best. But ultimately this diagnosis and problem started with her.

The lack of validation of who I was, was the catalyst for this problem. It is sad it took me so long to figure this out. Looking back over my life and seeing a wasteland of relationships and confusion over feelings I was unable to put words too, it all now makes sense. That is another thing being not validated causes, an inability to properly put words to feelings you may have because it was never reinforced as a real emotion or pain by others who were there to mentor you through your formative years.

"Knock it off Johny, you are not a real girl!" or Johny gets spanked for wearing some lipstick and high heels. Or Johny expresses that he really is a girl and told it all in his mind. Or is told the Devil is causing these feelings. Or God hates perverts and perverts will burn in hell! All of which were used on me.

So why post this? I am not some expert in this field. I posted it because perhaps others are not as sure of what Borderline Personality really is and how it was caused in their very own lives. I am willing to bet I am not the only person with this problem here. In fact I know I am not alone.

If you can't understand the diagnosis, then you simply can not over come it. I fully plan to turn this diagnosis around.

This is part of the reason I wrote what I did about Gwen Araujo. It is part of my healing process and acknowledging what I felt was real all along. I denied for a long time I was abused at my school by other kids for being different. Finally coming full circle with Gwen's story made me realize I was not imagining it, it was real and I was being psychologically abused and battered into being something I was not and never would be. I shared the same abuse at school that she did and outside of school. Only real difference was she did not get to be a survivor.

I am not totally out of the woods yet. But I can see the meadow where I am standing from.

One of the things I would like to share, is something special. I went to court for SSDI. The Judge who reviewed my case got to read 700 pages on me. I was floored because I thought they had only 50 pages. As she found in favor of my case she said, "I carefully reviewed your file and you have been failed by so many people through out your life. I am so sorry. You are a very strong woman to be still here. I admire your strength." She then left her bench and walked over and gave me a hug.

After many years of being told I was wrong about how I felt and being told I was not a girl, the road to being restored has begun. This is not an over night fix and will take some time.

Just so you know that this is in part why you see me suddenly appear and disappear in the forums. I pull back from people and isolate. I am trying to change that.

To my brothers and sisters who share this diagnosis, I hope this post in some way helps you find some peace and understanding about yourself. Maybe this will be your eureka moment and you will find yourself on a path of healing?

And bless those parents who are honoring their children's feelings and allowing them to be true to themselves. Those parents are not only helping their children find joy and peace they are helping that child avoid one day being diagnosed as borderline.

~lightsider

[Drea]

posted it because perhaps others are not as sure of what Borderline Personality really is and how it was caused in their very own lives. I am willing to bet I am not the only person with this problem here. In fact I know I am not alone.

In fact, I have read numbers suggesting a high porportion of trans also have borderline personality as well. 50% or more.

And yes, till one is willing to accept they are suffering from borderline personality, addressing with issues related to that will be impossible. Especially when one views the stresses related from the borderline personality disorder as related to trans issues and only resolvable by transition, having surgery, or whatever trans goal/desire they have for themselves.

[Guest Melanie54]

Thank you for giving a good explanation. I really hadn't understood what Borderline was till now. Yeah, I actually think I may have this with out a diagnosis. I will bring this up with my therapist.

Melanie

[Guest AlexForever]

She said "borderline is often caused when a child bumps his or her knee for example and gets hurt and starts to cry and those who are the parents or adults say NO you're knee does not hurt stop crying!" The developing mind starts having trouble linking the pain she of he feels to a state of reality.

She went on to say that the more a child's feelings are invalidated the more dysfunctional the child becomes and Borderline manifests ultimately as an adult.

Oh crap...

[Guest (Lightsider)]

Oh crap...

Elaborate please?

[Guest Emily Ray]

It is my experience that borderline personality disorder is over diagnosed in MTF populations. It is because there are aproximatly 250 different types of BPD and some of them are very similar to GID especially when one is suffering from extreme dysphoria. I wouldn't believe a diagnosis of BPD unless it can be verified by some objective measure like the Minnesota Multi-Phasic Personality Inventory.

I was diagnosed by three different Psychiatrist as being BPD finally because of my refusal to agree that I was a psychologist was brought in to evaluate me and give me the MMPI. After receiving a completely normal result on it they had to drop the diagnosis.

This is just my experience and as such may not apply to others. If your Doctor is diagnosing you as BPD and has little experience with GID ask for more testing.

Huggs

Emily

[Guest AlexForever]

Elaborate please?

That's basically my whole childhood, described in as few words as possible.

"Stop crying. It is NOT hurt, the hurt is in your head, it does not deserve crying. If you do not stop it you WILL get something to cry about."

No wonder I've wondered if I have this disorder before.

[Guest Elena]

I was diagnosed by three different Psychiatrist as being BPD finally because of my refusal to agree that I was a psychologist was brought in to evaluate me and give me the MMPI. After receiving a completely normal result on it they had to drop the diagnosis.

This is just my experience and as such may not apply to others. If your Doctor is diagnosing you as BPD and has little experience with GID ask for more testing.

Huggs

Emily

I can vouch for what Em is saying here, though in my case the misdiagnosis was resolved empirically. My ex and I had been going to a therapist for marraige counseling, and I was also seeing her for depression and she told me I might also be BPD. Spent over a year being put on just about every anti-depressant/anxiety med and doing a lot of tailspinning because of those meds. We had been talking about my crossdressing in a marriage session when my ex made a comment to the effect that the only time we actually started to communicate was when I would go into girly mode. She couldn't handle that and would shut down.

The therapist took me off all the meds then and a couple weeks later after they cleared out she asked me to try and think like a female for our private session. We had a very good session and she kinda sat back at the end. Said she'd read about GD but never encountered it. She was fascinated by how much easier I communicated. I dropped her a month later when it started to feel like she was using me as a guinea pig. I suppose her professional curiosity was valid, but she did not handle it very well. Of course I wasn't quite ready then to deal with this either.

Cheers,

Elena

[Guest (Lightsider)]

That's basically my whole childhood, described in as few words as possible.

"Stop crying. It is NOT hurt, the hurt is in your head, it does not deserve crying. If you do not stop it you WILL get something to cry about."

No wonder I've wondered if I have this disorder before.

Well, now you now it was real. It was not imagined. I think it is common for our parents denial of the reality of the matter to become our adopted denials. I Hope in some way this brings you some peace and some healing can begin. Counseling is a good path to take.

[Guest Aly Kat]

my sister and I have done a lot of research on borderline. she's a third year med student and I'm a fourth year psych undergrad. she knows I'm transgender and have been investigating BPD as a possible "differential diagnosis"

YES. A lot of transsexuals meet the diagnostic criterion for BPD...

Well, duh! Being trans makes everything felt during childhood feel fake.

I think "Gender Identity Disorder" (rubbish diagnosis... but whatev) is associated with developing BPD.... and not "caused" by it or whatever. GID is axis-I and bpd is axis-iii (i think) anyway, so they can exist together in perfect harmony <3

I think I have BPD, but I know who I am. I know what my likes and dislikes are. I know that I'm clingy in relationships. I know that I fear abandonment. I know that I sometimes yell at people for no reason.

I think living life is more important than wondering which labels apply, though.

a lot of people with bulimia also have ocd... WOAHHhhhhh... maybe they aren't "really" bulimic. BS. they just have overlapping symptoms. like bpd + gid.

//end psych rant.

for any gender-confused people here (aka all of you): yes. it is quite likely you have all of those symptoms. what i've learned in my countless HOURS and DAYS of bpd research is that feelings you have (however intense) are REAL. You are REAL (no matter how fake you feel sometimes). If you feel like you're a girl not a boy or a boy not a girl, then that is the truth. don't fret over labels!!! but also, researching coping mechanisms for BPD DO DO DO help with issues i've had over the course of my life. i've dropped out of several colleges & self-injured & developed an eating disorder & blah blah blah... BPD.

the book "i hate you don't leave me" is good.

<3 aly kat

[Drea]

but I know who I am. I know what my likes and dislikes are

That wouldn't be typical of borderline since those with borderline personality tend to have a very poor sense of self. Thought I suppose, one could view themselves as one way but demonstrated actions tell a different story.

Spent over a year being put on just about every anti-depressant/anxiety med and doing a lot of tailspinning because of those meds

There aren't really any meds that are effective with borderline personality. Due to that, I suppose if one is heavily depressed or suicidal as symptom of borderline personality disorder rather than basic depression, the fact that the antidepressants don't work might be an indicator of borderline personality.

The good news is that if you are willing to accept you might have the condition, willing to learn and do something about it, then there is a good chance you'll overcome it. It is one of those many things that may come along with being trans which if we have need and should be worked on cause transition itself won't make these things go away on their own.

Unfortunatly many rather stay in denial about such things because it is so much neater to just say it is all just being trans.

[Guest Mina89]

I've had three therapists in my life. All three diagnosed me with BPD, and the later two agreed I was trans. The first ostensibly denied the existence of "trans-ness" as an autonomous psychological phenomenon.

I'm still working out some kinks, but the borderline stuff has evened out a lot in the last few years, especially in the last few months as I began to come to terms with the trans stuff at the same time. The dynamic of denial was kind of reversed in my case.

-Valerie

[Guest (Lightsider)]

Just want to make people realize that I am not saying this is a catch all for every one. It is a "Your Milleage may vary" sort of thing. One should always seek counseling. The thing is, this diagnosis was held back from me from those in charge of my care.

To me this was vital information and I would hope others press their counselors for full disclosure.

[Guest Elena]

There aren't really any meds that are effective with borderline personality. Due to that, I suppose if one is heavily depressed or suicidal as symptom of borderline personality disorder rather than basic depression, the fact that the antidepressants don't work might be an indicator of borderline personality.

In my case the depression meds were definately not a good thing. The part the therapist found so fascinating was that when I stopped supressing the girly instinctive responses, the BPD symptoms disappeared and the depression moderated significantly. She said that was why she had such a hard time making a firm diagnosis on the BPD. She had noted posture changes in the past when I didn't exibit it in private sessions, but that it was always evident in the marriage sessions. I jokingly asked if I needed a prescription to shave my legs and paint my nails. She very seriously awnsered, "Quite possibly, but I doubt that would do any favors for your marriage."

She never got around to recommending I see a GT. As far as the depression, well there were more than enough other things going on to account for that. Since we got seperated and then divorced and I have been allowing myself to be gradually more feminine, it has been a complete non-issue. Not that I haven't gotten sad or depressed, but it has been a more normal sort that I come out of naturally after a day or three. Makes it kinda obvious I am finally starting to get it right.

Cheers,

Elena

[Guest ricka]

Hello All! This is a topic near and dear to me for reasons I will not go into but could not resist responding to this thread. BPD is first and foremost a trauma disorder. Anyone with this diagnosis has a trauma history. It maybe sexual or physical abuse but it is not limited to this. It can come from being raised in a home with an alcoholic or addict parent(s), being raised in an invalidating environment or having had a significant disruption of early attachment (mother was chronically ill or suffered depression, physical conditions which neccessitated long hospitalizations etc.) The important thing is that _ALL_ of us who were born gender-variant encountered _significant trauma_ by virtue of being born in bodies that did not fit us or did not fit binary social norms. Do you remember as a child wanting to do and be things that were of the opposite gender you were being raised to be and being chastised for it? That, My Loves is traumatic to a child. This imprints on a young, vulnerable mind that she/he is not okay being who she/he is!!

The DSM IVR lists BPD as a personality disorder (a flawed character structure if you will) Bulls***!! BPD traits which include externalizing internal chaos is a natural and healthy defense against an unhealthy environment, albeit not always effective and in many ways it boomerangs as becoming self-destructive. The other reason that I take issue with BPD as being a personality disorder is that it can appear and dissappear depending on environmental factors. It tends to be triggered by invalidating environments which tragically include most mental health clinics and psychiatric hospitals.

So lastly my thoughts about being a transgendered woman and the times I know I have been and had all the symptoms of BPD (including suicidal ideation!) I was overwhelmed by an invalidating environment. When I learned that I had the power to change my environment and/or when I learned I could be more powerful as a transwoman than my environment the BPD symptoms went away.

Miss Ricka

[Guest AlexForever]

It tends to be triggered by invalidating environments which tragically include most mental health clinics and psychiatric hospitals.

So lastly my thoughts about being a transgendered woman and the times I know I have been and had all the symptoms of BPD (including suicidal ideation!) I was overwhelmed by an invalidating environment. When I learned that I had the power to change my environment and/or when I learned I could be more powerful as a transwoman than my environment the BPD symptoms went away.

Miss Ricka

This makes sense.

Now that I think about it my house is not a good environment, that is sure, and it definitely could be described as "invalidating" (thanks to my mother, mostly), and I tend to give my worst when I'm there; when I go to a different environment (ex: a friend's place, a relative's place) I actually feel more at peace and act like a better person.

This also might explain my lack of nostalgia I've actually felt somewhat distressed when I was somewhere else and thought about going back home, expecially in the later years.

Dunno if I actually have BPD (probably not but I seem to have the symptoms, so maybe I have some of the characteristics?) but I do have some problem, my therapist (the good one) also told me so (he didn't tell me if he thought I have something specific, he doesn't really like to put labels) and it definitely needs to be resolved.

[Guest (Lightsider)]

This is definantly a trauma disorder. The net result for me I had a literally black out of my childhood memories from about age 12 and younger. I think it was from a combination of physical abuse and mental abuse. Looking back I am amazed at what parents thought was ok and proper discipline.

Violence in the guise of discipline is wrong. There is spanking a child who is too young to be reasoned with but once that child can be reasoned with, I just can not go along with spankings.

When you are trans, gay, or lesbian to be spanked because you are displaying your true nature is wrong. My mother meted out physical punishment along with a cocktail of mental abuse in order to keep me in line. I know that I am not alone and that many of you suffered in the same way.

We need laws that protect our brothers and sisters from abusive parents. I strongly feel parents found guilty of this should lose their parental rights because it is because of their actions that people are created with Borderline personality disorders. I would even go so far as to suggest parents should find themselves behind bars because this is criminal.

[Guest AlexForever]

When you are trans, gay, or lesbian to be spanked because you are displaying your true nature is wrong. My mother meted out physical punishment along with a cocktail of mental abuse in order to keep me in line. I know that I am not alone and that many of you suffered in the same way.

I had a similar experience; I was spanked because I discovered self gratification early (I was like 6) and didn't even know what it was, so instead of explaining me they thought it would be more proper to spank me as soon as they discovered that I did it again.

Not to mention the emotional abuse (including breaking my things if I didn't stop crying) for displaying unproper/exxaggerated feelings

Whatever disturb I have now, it was created by them, or at least made worse by their actions.

[Guest Julie T]

To everyone

I have been reading through this and it is so interesting. The only challenge is trying to keep everything clear in my mind? It appears there are no clear definitions, and I really never understood the basic concepts anyway. Thank you everyone for explaining your concept of what this all is. But to be honest? I am fearful of asking my therapist about borderline personality disorder, because what if she feels it applies to me?

Is being a hypochondriac applicable to this sort of diagnosis? I mean, am I a BPD candidate? I just consider myself a transsexual, and all the lack of affirmation, the denial of my true self? I have always thought of it as self generated. Does that mean I am self-traumatized? and is there such a thing?

I am not trying to make this a joke, really. Like all psychological matters, this idea of BPD and its possible intertwining with GID? And if either or both, or neither exist? I am afraid this is way over my head.

I just work with physical objects, Things like brick and mortar. But we have an alphabet soup language as well? NTS, VOJ, CLH, all that and more. GID means Galvanized Iron Drain and BPD means By-Pass Diverter.

This is fun, like learning a foreign language, maybe like it's Greek to me? I made a funny.

Julie

[Guest Alexandra89]

Not to mention the emotional abuse (including breaking my things if I didn't stop crying) for displaying unproper/exxaggerated feelings

Whatever disturb I have now, it was created by them, or at least made worse by their actions.

There must be a quack school of parenting these people all follow. Mine were the same way (though I was only subjected to a single-digit number of slaps as far as the physical violence goes). They'd gush about my grades and school concerts to their friends and relatives, but pretended like I wasn't around the whole time I was growing up. Unless there was some detail they wanted to criticize, that is.

Hurt your finger? Suck it up! I had a long day at work and whiskey/TV is calling.

Bullied at school? Toughen up! Fight them! If you don't beat them, that means everything they say about you is right.

You don't have a girlfriend yet? That's because girls only like guys who aren't like you! Better change.

Want to dress in girls' clothes? Too bad. You're a boy and no son of ours is going to do that.

My therapist talked about parents coming around later in life and accepting trans children for who they are. Call me petty, but I'm not ever giving them the chance. They're the ones that had me. I didn't ask for this "gift" of life and I don't think I would take it again if it was offered to me. I'm just trying to pick up the pieces after too long.

-Alexandra

[Guest AlexForever]

My therapist talked about parents coming around later in life and accepting trans children for who they are. Call me petty, but I'm not ever giving them the chance. They're the ones that had me. I didn't ask for this "gift" of life and I don't think I would take it again if it was offered to me. I'm just trying to pick up the pieces after too long.

Exactly.

I will give this change to my father; if he definitely changes his mind and fully accepts me, I'll be happy about it.

But if my mother, like, in ten years changes her mind and accepts me...err...sorry but... **** you!

The difference?

They both ***** up when I was a child, they both made mistakes, sure they did them "because they didn't know better" but it doesn't change the fact that now I'm an ***** up adult now and I'll need therapy for God knows how long to get better, mostly because of them.

But at least my father TRIES! He know tries to understand and accept me, at least some times, and he did admit that they did all those things and that it was wrong but they just didn't know how to handle things back then.

My mother? She STILL refuses to admit that I was abused/invalidated back then, says that my father and I have "selective memory" and still tries to confuse the heck out of me when she's wrong and doesn't want to admit it. She also still refuses to accept me in any way yet claims that I'm the one who doesn't accept "herself". Not to mention that she loves to use the things she knows about me to hurt me during discussion (example: she will bring up SI and if I go to my room to stop the discussion she'll say in a mocking tone "are you going to cut yourself now? Do you want a saw?" and stuff like that) and then acts all surprised when I don't confide things to her (well DUH!).

You gave me hell when I was a kid. You STILL give me hell now, and act more like a child than I did. Sorry but you've just burned all your chanches, and if you ever tell me you've changed your mind I will be VERY, VERY wary about it. And it's not like a last minute conversion will do much for me, now, would it? "Oh I'm so sorry I screwed up your childhood and kept making your house an invalidating and harmful envirorment for you during teen and adults year, but I'm changed now". Oh, really? Am I supposed to be impressed or something? You know where you can shove those apologies (if they are even sincere).

[Guest Julie T]

There must be a quack school of parenting these people all follow. Mine were the same way (though I was only subjected to a single-digit number of slaps as far as the physical violence goes). They'd gush about my grades and school concerts to their friends and relatives, but pretended like I wasn't around the whole time I was growing up. Unless there was some detail they wanted to criticize, that is.

Hurt your finger? Suck it up! I had a long day at work and whiskey/TV is calling.

Bullied at school? Toughen up! Fight them! If you don't beat them, that means everything they say about you is right.

You don't have a girlfriend yet? That's because girls only like guys who aren't like you! Better change.

Want to dress in girls' clothes? Too bad. You're a boy and no son of ours is going to do that.

My therapist talked about parents coming around later in life and accepting trans children for who they are. Call me petty, but I'm not ever giving them the chance. They're the ones that had me. I didn't ask for this "gift" of life and I don't think I would take it again if it was offered to me. I'm just trying to pick up the pieces after too long.

-Alexandra

Alexandria, and I wanted to call you Lexi for some strange reason.

You write so well. I find that you are getting a handle on the world you inhabit, and how this world attempted to remake you, unsuccessfully so far. Are you alright? I think you seem to be. But I suspect it was such a journey through such dark caverns to finally find yourself. I think I see that triumph in you, a strong sense of self.

I think you are one of the strong ones, although you may not agree.

May I applaud you? I do hope you keep telling your story as there are so many lost souls here on Laura's Playground who need to hear it.

Julie

[Guest Alexandra89]

Alexandria, and I wanted to call you Lexi for some strange reason.

You write so well. I find that you are getting a handle on the world you inhabit, and how this world attempted to remake you, unsuccessfully so far. Are you alright? I think you seem to be. But I suspect it was such a journey through such dark caverns to finally find yourself. I think I see that triumph in you, a strong sense of self.

I think you are one of the strong ones, although you may not agree.

May I applaud you? I do hope you keep telling your story as there are so many lost souls here on Laura's Playground who need to hear it.

Julie

I think I would credit luck for my survival of everything so far. That and a lot of spite.

There are so many stories that are a lot more worthy of telling than mine. I grew up in the upper-middle class and my college education and good law school situation owe largely to that. I never spent a minute homeless. I've only done minimal trans-activism so far. I was lucky to find a great therapist who bills on a sliding scale that I can afford and put me in touch with so many resources in the city.

If any one of these little windfalls had been pulled out of the pile, I'm pretty sure the whole thing would have collapsed. There have been countless transpeople who were unlucky in all the ways I was fortunate and more, and many of them have self-actualized better than I have and could tell a much more inspiring story. I think they deserve the applause, especially the ones who came before us to make all of my good fortunes possible.

-Alexandra

[Guest Captain Troy]

For those of you who have experience with BPD, I would like some advice. My mother suffers from BPD, and has all the classic symptoms of making everything black and white, alternately lashing out at herself or those around her, and perceiving threats of abandonment where there are none. This makes life very hard for all three of her children, but I on occasion bare the brunt of her aggression when she externalizes due to my being oldest, and her perceiving my transition as a betrayal on some level. Worse yet, all three of us have been made to believe that when she self-harms, we could have done something to stop it. These are not explicit messages, she has never said so, and yet all three of us grew up with that somehow implied to us.

I'm scared that when I leave for college in the fall, she's going to see the threat of abandonment and lash out at somebody. Same with my presenting as more male. She acts as if it is a personal attack. What can I do to help all of us prepare for both these transitions better?

[Guest Alexandra89]

I'm scared that when I leave for college in the fall, she's going to see the threat of abandonment and lash out at somebody. Same with my presenting as more male. She acts as if it is a personal attack. What can I do to help all of us prepare for both these transitions better?

The only way I could think of would be to encourage her to get help. The situation won't get any better if people keep walking on eggshells around her, she'll just scatter them in a wider arc when she wants to lash out. If she's willing to work on it, therapy can be an excellent treatment.

This does hinge on her being on board with the whole idea, though.

-Alex