Worried

[Guest Angelicah]

My best friend has some major drinking problems. When he's drunk he's often calling me or sending me text messages containing suicidal thoughts, perverted messages or just general spamming.

I really hate talking with him when he's been drinking because he gets suicidal and has blackouts where he doesn't remember anything and keeps asking the same questions over and over.

Thing is when I visit my old home this summer he will come visit me while I'm keeping the house while my parents are on vacation. We don't see each other so often so of course I'm looking forward to it. But I'm wondering if I should tell him that he's not allowed to bring alcohol with him when he visits me?

I'm also planning to tell him about my mtf condition and I'm a little worried that he will send me hurtful messages concerning the issue when he's drunk. Of course I know he doesn't really mean it but it would be nice to have some suggestions on how to deal with it.

Love.

[Carolyn Marie]

Angelicah, in my opinion you are absolutely within your rights to tell him not to bring booze of any kind, even to the point of telling him you won't let him in your parent's house if he does. You don't need that kind of trouble, especially if you're going to come out to him. If he is inebriated at the time, or gets that way, you can't predict how he will react. I would really think over the wisdom of coming out to him at all as long as he is off the wagon.

But....he is your friend, you know him best. I wish you luck.

Carolyn Marie

[VickySGV]

In regard to what you have said, your program is MTF. PERIOD. At the minute, your friend has enough on his plate to deal with. Your involving him in your program just now is more than he will be able to handle. His alcohol abuse in fact will prevent him from appropriately participating in your life. His program is Alcohol Abuse Recovery.

By all means say, "NO BOOZE around me!!" This is perfectly your right, and you may have to say it and realize that for now your friendship may go on hiatus because of it. In the long run, this may actually be a need for both of you both now and in the future. Your friend needs to get to the point where he recognizes that his drinking is becoming a problem and the he needs help. Your saying NO may in fact help him to see it.

Do not hesitate to tell him that you are VERY CONCERNED about his behavior and the fact that it could result in the termination of your contact with him. It can result in a whole lot more trouble, but leave that to someone else to tell him, preferably someone in substantial recovery. Offer to help him find a place to get help for his condition. AA is not the be all/end all for everybody, but it is one place to start, and even if you are not an alcohol abuser yourself, you will be welcome at all but a very few meetings as someone helping your friend to get to a place where they can begin recovery. Many health insurance providers also have Chemical Dependency Recovery programs.

I am now at 981 days on this trip up the recovery road, and do know how hard it can be, but one of the best friends a person can have is the one who was there when they started their climb and is still there for him.