Fathers Day Weekend

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

First I want to say I'm sorry I haven't been around as much recently. Symptoms of my disability are in relapse right now and it makes it more difficult getting online and responding to posts when I do actually get here. I want you all to know I still care about what's going on with everyone here even when I'm not here or don't post much.

Well a lot has happened this weekend.

My kids gave me fathers day gifts and a card and we spent some great family time together which was awesome. The card was addressed to Gabe not my female name and it meant a lot to me that they remembered to do that when it's still so new to them. It did call for a bit of fast talking when my mum and sister who I haven't explained things too yet came to talk to me and looked at the card though lol. My sister just looked blank and said 'what's Gabe?'

My youngest son called me dad for the first time...ok so he was buttering me up to get money for sweets at the time...he got the money coz I couldn't say no when he looked me in the face and said 'you're the best dad ever' lol (yeah I know I can't make a habit of caving in just coz of that but it was the first time I'd been called dad and all!)

He also looked at me this evening when we were sitting watching telly together and said 'you'd look good with a beard'. My kids are amazing, how easily and totally they are accepting things! I feel so lucky. I know fathers day has probably been a really tough time for so many people here and I almost feel guilty that my weekend has been so good and my family is so great with it all. I mean they're still slipping up on the name and pronouns quite a bit just coz it's undoing a 5 year habit but they're really trying and they're so accepting and validating.

Of course it probably helps that I have always taken more of a dad role than a mum one with them right since I first knew them and they and my partner have always joked about me being the dad and husband in the family long before I ever started seriously examining or talking about my gender identity!

My partner bought me my first aftershave on saturday. I haven't started T so I'm not actually shaving yet but still, having real aftershave feels cool!

It's kinda funny to compare myself to my 2 sons who are 15 and a week off of turning 13. We are going through some of the same things. They got aftershave this weekend too even though they're not shaving yet and are getting very aware of things like body hair and manly hair styles, wanting to tone muscles to have a more manly body shape and stuff like that and I'm am watching them going through it and feeling just the same myself! I feel like a teenage boy right along with them! lol

I've also been having a lot of dreams with a gender theme over the last few nights. Last night I dreamed that I was in a theatre taking part in a play and I was acting the part of a woman...not a character who just happened to be female but the whole point of the character was being a woman. I had to wear a long wig and a dress and stuff and I was taking the costume off late at night and worrying about where to put it so that I'd remember to put it on again the next day for the performance and if I could get things like the hair style on the wig right so that I could pull the role off and not mess up the performance for everyone. There was no sense of enjoyment about the performance in the dream like I feel when I'm in shows with the theatre company I go to in real life...there was just this sense of dread that I had to do it because I was committed to it and would be letting everyone down if I didn't.

Then in the dream things were going wrong so we weren't sure if the show could go on after all like it was the middle of summer but it suddenly started snowing really hard and stuff like that.

I woke up thinking maybe that's how I feel...like I've been resigning myself to playing the part of a female in the world...worrying all the time if I can get it right...having to remember to put the 'costume' on so everyone accepts me as female and I don't want to do it any more. And recently the act has been falling apart and I don't know if I can keep doing it even though I'm afraid I will hurt people, let them down by dropping the act and being myself.

I've been doing a lot of journalling which lets me work my thoughts and feelings through and then leave them there rather than obsessing and over analysing things...then I'm spending the rest of the time just allowing myself to be me. It's working out a lot better which is cool.

Gabe

[Guest John Chiv]

Gabe,

It is great to read this post. You have an amazing family and the love that Cariad and the kids and you share is wonderful. Don't feel guilty about having a great weekend. Handing you a coca cola with a blue umbrella to celebrate.

John

[Guest]

Hi Gabe,

It's great to see you back!

Congratulations on a wonderful father's day. Your family is a bunch of keepers!

I do hope you're feeling better now - but take care of yourself first, you know...

Lots of love,

Kat

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

John, thank you my friend. lol you know exactly how I like my coke. Handing you a nice cold beer...and seeing as it's a special occasion I wont even try to sneak an umbrella in there

I feel so lucky to have Cariad and our kids. I think I cheated fate somehow coz I'm sure I never did anything to deserve such a wonderful family. I just wish I could give what I have with them to every one here.

Thank you Kat. Yeah my family is awesome. Even my dog comes to me when my partner tells her to 'find daddy'!

I'm so glad that I've been able to spend some time here today and string words together in an understandable enough way to post and respond to people some. I miss all you folks when I can't do that for a while.

Gabe

[Carolyn Marie]

Great update post, Gabe. Congrats on Father's Day! You have wonderful children. It's fun to compare notes with you - I'm going the opposite direction, of course, and my son gave me jewelry for F-Day. Weird, ain't it?

I hope you feel better soon. Take care.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Elizabeth K]

KEWEL!

I LOVE that post!

Thanks Gabe!

Lizzy

[Guest Donna Jean]

My youngest son called me dad for the first time...ok so he was buttering me up to get money for sweets at the time...he got the money coz I couldn't say no when he looked me in the face and said 'you're the best dad ever' lol (yeah I know I can't make a habit of caving in just coz of that but it was the first time I'd been called dad and all!)

Gabe

Hey, man! You are one awesome dude! (sure could use a box of Sweet Tarts....LOL)

That's a wonderful thing!

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Thank you Carolyn Marie. Yeah it's cool to compare.

Hugs to you.

Thank you Lizzy

Dee Jay...for you, I'd give ya the sweet tarts even without the flattery

...but it sure does help anyway

Gabe