Dont Know But Im Pretty Sure I Have An Eating Dosorder

[kyennamo]

hi all. im new to the forums. my legal name is ken but im transitioning to katie. im a 30 yr old mtf and i started hrt a few months back. since then, i have been obsessed with weight loss. i know i want to be a thin attractive feamle but something is different since starting hrt. i eat very little during the week. usually only apples during the day and a 500 calorie meal at night so definitely less than 7 or 8 hundred calories a day. but sometimes i loose controll and eat and eat and eat then i go throw up. im not even sure if its a choice anymore. if i eat a regular sized meal i resign myself not to throw up but i always do. iv spent a lot of time in the chatrooms and this subject is pretty tabboo in there so i came here to get some insight. im 5 ft 11 and have gone from 190 to 160 in just a few months. im pretty skinny but all i can see is that my stomach isnt flat. i told myself i would stop this at 160 but my stomach wasnt skinny enough at 160 so i said 150 now its 140. i just need an outlet to discuss this and my wife turns a blind eye. my therapist has far bigger issues with me b4 we get to this. and the subjest is banned in the chat here. i have done this for short spurts in the past but i have always been able to stop after a few weeks. i know eating disorders are more common in females so i do wonder if being on the hrt,and its effects on my brain,are whats making this so difficult to stop. sorry to go on like this but i needed to get that out. ahhhhhhhhhh. i feel a little better now. anyway. any insight would be greatly appreciated

Katie

[JJ]

Katie,

Does you therapist know they full extent of what you are doing in regards to eating? Because i suspect that this would not-and it should not- be a back burner issue,

There are so many risks-as I am sure you know, And there is the fact that estrogen is stored in fat. Without enough fat you can lose the effect of your HRT. It is why cis girls even stop having periods when they get too thin. They can't keep enough estrogen in their bodies.

I know that psychologically there is also a huge issue of control with eating disorders-and yes any unhealthy eating pattern you can not control is an eating disorder. And I sympathize because once I decided to transition-even before starting T-my relationship with food changed dramatically. It went from my comfort and solace to a necessary evil-even my enemy and I struggle to keep my calorie count anywhere near a safe level. Which ny the way is a minimum of 1200-1500 calories a day depending on height and other genetic factors. Below that and the body doesn't only burn fat but muscle and organ tissue-and brain tissue. Which build toxins in your system and further stresses already stressed organs, That can cause health problems which will stop HRT cold. Also anything below around 1200 for 3 days in a row drops metabolism and causes your body to actually hold onto fat as well as more efficiently grab it from anything you eat. In other words is counterproductive. And lastly one of the biggest differences in the appearance of men and women is that soft extra fat layer. Take that away and you look more masculine. Much more. Because we tend to want this ideal we have had in our minds all our lives we tend to want to become like the people we see on TV or in movies but if that is not how you are made dieting won't make you a slim trim supermodel. It can make you an angular masculine looking person.

So please get help for this. Tell your therapist how serious it has become. Before you permanently damage your health and jeopardize your whole transition.

Hugs

Johnny

[kyennamo]

Well iv told my therapist that it's simply the means to an end. And thats what i keep thinking for myself. Im pretty sure i would stop if i got to like 143 145ish. CAN it be as simple than that? Or is this gonna be a problem? was kinda the point of me asking.

[JJ]

The fact that you are asking, by every standard I know, means that it is indeed a problem. And 145 at 5'11" sounds very unhealthy to me. You have to remember that once this sets in you probably don't see yourself as others see you. You may be seeing a tummy where others see emaciation. I am only 5' 5" but once had a Dr order me to stop losing at 145 lbs because my bone density and muscle mass (I worked out up to 2 hours a day) meant that I was underweight. You can't really go by that scale. Especially with a recent rapid weight loss because skin actually takes longer to lose and tighten than anything else and it has a lot of weight .

The throwing up aspect puts this into a different perspective as well. That does damage to internal structures and teeth. It says to me that you have an eating disorder. Especially since you can't stop yourself.

I would suggest you tell the therapist exactly how far this has gone and also getting a complete physical to assess your weight, your BMI and any problems that may have developed from the bulemic behavior. I am not a therapist or a DR. and cannot diagnose you as having a disorder. I can say it sounds like if you don't have a disorder then you are developing one.

The longer it goes on the harder it is to resolve. And it can be fatal. Please have it evaluated.

Hugs

Johnny