Im Not Ken. Im Katie

[kyennamo]

Ahhhhhhhh. that topic title feels so liberating to say. Hello everyone who reads this. My legal name is Ken, But Katie is who i am. Well,katherine to be precise but katie will do. I will skip my tragic and akward early years as im sure a LOT of us have very similar stories. So i will cut right to the chase. Im a 30 year old MTF and i live just south of Philadelphia. Im married to a wonderfull woman who, at least I think, is completely and 100% supportive. I hope that never changes.

After a previous self medicating hrt trial whan i was about 21 i chickened out, cut my long hair off and decided to be the man everyone expected me to be. I went 5 years before i tried again. But my budding relationship with my wife caused me to chicken out and be the Man SHE needed me to be. IT wasnt till mid december 2010 that i really came out to her nd made my commitment to hrt. Again, Self medicating.

After 2 months of hrt, in mid february, I had a psychological meltdown. It happened from a combination of things. but my trans issues were 85% of the overload.I ate 64 mg of xanax and drank a pint of grain alcohol.and left the apartment. my wife called 911 and the police found me, cuffed me and threw me into an ambulance.I spent 8 days i believe on a ventillator and the rest of my hospital stay chained to the bed. After that i was promptly shipped to a psychiatric ward for the next several weeks during which time i went through terible estrogen withdraw. I was also fired from my job and evicted from my apartment because the incident occured on company property(i lived at the apartment complex at which i worked), and the fact that the police were charging me with a whole list of charges.

After being discharged, i didn't take any more estrogen untill I got a legitimate prescription for it which took several weeks. So all in all i was off of the good stuff for about a month and a half to two months. I started hrt again under care of a doctor early to mid april. It felt like starting over. But doing it the right way this time. doctors and therapists. And,i swear if i can help it, i will never be off of the hrt again.

After the incident mentioned earlier the police told someone from the news paper what happened and the subsequent article that was printed mentioned the fact that the police found unprescribed estrogen in my apartment. So, between that and the suicide attempt, a LOT of people found out about me and i wasnt sure i was ready for that. i wasnt sure if id ever be ready for that. But, since then, I have come out to 3/4 of the people i know. It kinda feels like a huge part of the weight was lifted.

Now Im at the point where people know but what if they always still see a guy when they look at me. And im not just talking about people i know. Im talking about everyone. Its the old passability phobia. What if it never happens or what if im just to chicken to do what it takes to make it happen. Or what if i do everything in my power and i still turn out to look like a man in a dress. It makes me question the whole process. But one thing i have learned is that i question the process for all the wrong reasons. I KNOW who i am. I worry about this for shallow reasons. But I never question it for the reasons that matter. And that is what really matters.

Believe it or not thats the short short version of the story but thank you to all who stuck it out and read the whole thing.

Sincerely

Katherine Michelle Tureski

[MaryEllen]

Hello Katie,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

MaryEllen

[JJ]

Hi Katie,

Welcome to Laura's! You've found a great place to be yourself and explore your feelings.

We aren't therapists, but we will be happy to share our opinions and experiences with you. Please feel free to post as much as you want in any forum whether asking questions, expressing opinions or sharing experiences. We are a PG-13 moderated site. You will have access to the PM system and profiles after 5 posts.

If you have not already done so, please read the "Terms and Conditions" page, the link to it can be found near the upper right of most any Forum page

It seems that most of us go through that horrible "What if " fear and it is far worse than any reality. There will be those who argue-but from everything I have read and I have read everything I could find on it -probably 90% or moreof us do pass in our everyday lives. Because most people aren't thinking in terms of looking for transsexuals mad because natal women come in every shape and size-some tall and broad shouldered and some with narrow hips and big noses and jaws. nobody ever questions them because they project themselves thoughtlessly as women. Confidence and presentation are what it is really all about. Of course if you have a huge Adam's apple you may need to address it-that is the exception but it is fixable. And voice and mannerisms are vital to being correctly gendered. But master them and you CAN pass. You may not be a pageant beauty but then if if any natal women are born that way either. And what they did to look that way you can too if t becomes that important to you but to me it seems a waste of money. because what most of us want is just to become an everyday person in the gender we truly are. And to live that way. Sure for awhile all of us get clocked now and then at first. But eventually confidence and experience cause that to dwindle away. And we also discover that being clocked is not the end of the world.

I am sorry you have had such a rough time and glad to hear you are getting your life back on track. Just hang in there and have faith. You can have the life as a woman that you dream. And while you are working your way there you'll find all kinds of support and understanding here.

Hugs

Johnny

[Guest Opal]

Hi Katie,

Welcome to Laura's! Nice to have you join in. Thank you for sharing with us. We try to discourage self-medicating any way possible. It is simply too dangerous.

As far as the passing issues, there are many people here that have great ideas on how to better pass as one's true self.

Anyway, I am sure others will want to say 'Hi!'

Hope you will continue to post as you are comfortable in doing so.

Welcome aboard!!

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest Elena]

Hey Katie,

Welcome to the Playground!

Always good to meet a new face.

Cheers,

Elena

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Katie,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna