Believe It Or Not, I Hate Change!

[Guest Chrysee]

One of the biggest supporters and yet one of the biggest stumbling blocks along this new path, has been my girlfriend. On the one hand, she has stressed that I cannot let anything stand between me and my transition. I have to be who I really am, she tells me over and over. The next thing, I have to try and ignore the 'funny' look that she gets on her face when I come at her with a hug, all girlied up. She loathes make-up and especially on me. Sometimes, when not stressing how I simply must keep striving towards my transitional goal, she'll break down crying about it. "I feel in love with a guy named Steve, and he was beautiful. Now this. I would never have picked such an effeminate man!"

At work one day, a coworker listened to her explain the situation and then, by way of trying to understand, asked: "So are you a lesbian couple, now?" Now I meet Anu at the bus most afternoons when she comes home from work. On the day of the above mentioned 'lesbian couple' conversation, she stormed off that bus like an invading barbarian. She roared passed the hug I had waiting for her, and announced through gritted teeth: "I am not a lesbian!"

This all rather reminds me of the partner of an Alcoholic failing to realize that it's their problem too, and perhaps Alanon might be a plan. I've suggested that she drop by the Playground, as there's a place for her here, but she's just not ready, I guess.

Last night, however, she lovingly informed me that I'm to proceed with my transition, and she'll be there for me. It will just be a different kind of relationship.

I'm afraid to ask what that means. As the title of this post states, I hate change! Imagine what all this has done to me? And now a changed relationship?

I should have perhaps explained what triggered this. here goes:

Last Christmas time, I was eagerly seeking a G.T. My insurance won't pay for it, and I'm on Disability and receive a rather small monthly statement. I'm not complaining, but simply saying that such things as counseling aren't in the budget. Now I did find a G.T. at the time that offered affordable rates and even a sliding scale. I emailed her and she promptly replied, offering several available appointment slots to choose from. When I replied, explaining my income and asking where that might place me on her sliding scale, she failed to reply. I never heard another word and guessed that I had committed a faux pas primo, bringing up the money like that, and so let it drop. Then, with Christmas just around the corner and some health issues kicking me, I put my entire transition on hold. Recently, I decided that the time had come and I again contacted this G.T. (she's still the most affordable that I've found.) I explained to her what had happened and she replied with an apology about not replying to my last email. She explained what she would charge me. I told her that this month was a bust, but that I would contact her right after the first of July and she was fine with that.

So, people, I have my G.T.!!!!!

When I brought this up to Anu, though, all it said to her was that her former manly partner was back to planning to have breasts. Telling her that I imagined they'd be small didn't help.

So I'm swamped with change, by my standards some good and some bad, and have done some crying of my own, lately.

Dopes this situation sound familiar to anyone?

Help?

Thanks everybody,

Cissy

[JJ]

Cissy,

This being trans is just so hard! It seems to affect all of us at some point in our lives that we are most vulnerable. Especially because it so deeply affects those who love us and we love in return. I don't have a S/O but I am watching my daughter suffer as she struggles to come to terms with what is happening. She is an only child and I raised her as a single parent from the time she was 8 months. She moved back in with me after college and we raised her child together for the last 11 years so we are friends as well as unusually close. She can't shake the feeling that she is losing her mother and she DOES NOT want a father in her place. Yet she loves me and understands the necessity for this transition. Knows that it is the only way I can survive.

One of the things I remind both of us about regularly is that this is not my fault and I have no choice. It helps. Because guilt and blame would only make an already difficult situation impossible, Yes, we can delay our transition sometimes but for some of us the day comes when there is no other way. I don't know why and for once haven't read any studies about why it happens that way but have seen and read enough to know that it does happen that way for many of us.

And it helps my daughter understand I would never put her through this if I had a choice. Being trans is not a choice I made. Not something that will go away. I never apologize for what I am doing but I frequently do tell her that I wish I had a choice. Even though she knows and understands that, she suffers and that hurts, I just hold on to the belief that one day she will come to terms with it and try hard to be patient when I see her flinch about something or unconsciously use a wrong pronoun because the other pronoun is so painful to her. I try to show her that I am still who I always was-it is only the exterior that is changing-and I love her as much as I always have, I also have been forced to some extent to accept and honor my past because to do otherwise is to repudiate her in a sense.

Which has been healthy for me. It seems often when we are finally able to become ourselves we want to see that old image as another person and repudiate it-which robs us to some extent of who we are because that past shaped us. That was not another person-that was me living a difficult life the best I could and I am still connected to all the times my daughter and I shared. No one died. No one was her one day and him the next -it was all me. That helps her and perhaps will help some with your wife because I think that is what those who love us most fear. Losing us. And I suspect more marriages fail because of that than sexual issues at the heart of it,

It sounds like she is trying hard and committed to seeing you through this. There will be bad days. Painful times and she needs to vent-but as long as you are sharing those times and keep the committment and communication open then you have a good chance of getting through this as a couple. We hear the failures more than the successes but if you read all the posts you begin to see that as many people stay together as separate, The ones who stay together are not posting about it the way those who lost a S/O are, so it seems the other way around until you start looking case by case.

This period of change is hard. Very hard and it will last quite awhile but it is like a bridge you have to cross to get to the peace and stable life waiting on the other side. Where we are heading is a beautiful place. We need to keep picturing where we are going and that life after this will make it worth it.

Hope it feels better soon!

Hugs

Johnny

[Guest Chrysee]

Cissy,

This being trans is just so hard! It seems to affect all of us at some point in our lives that we are most vulnerable. Especially because it so deeply affects those who love us and we love in return. I don't have a S/O but I am watching my daughter suffer as she struggles to come to terms with what is happening. She is an only child and I raised her as a single parent from the time she was 8 months. She moved back in with me after college and we raised her child together for the last 11 years so we are friends as well as unusually close. She can't shake the feeling that she is losing her mother and she DOES NOT want a father in her place. Yet she loves me and understands the necessity for this transition. Knows that it is the only way I can survive.

One of the things I remind both of us about regularly is that this is not my fault and I have no choice. It helps. Because guilt and blame would only make an already difficult situation impossible, Yes, we can delay our transition sometimes but for some of us the day comes when there is no other way. I don't know why and for once haven't read any studies about why it happens that way but have seen and read enough to know that it does happen that way for many of us.

And it helps my daughter understand I would never put her through this if I had a choice. Being trans is not a choice I made. Not something that will go away. I never apologize for what I am doing but I frequently do tell her that I wish I had a choice. Even though she knows and understands that, she suffers and that hurts, I just hold on to the belief that one day she will come to terms with it and try hard to be patient when I see her flinch about something or unconsciously use a wrong pronoun because the other pronoun is so painful to her. I try to show her that I am still who I always was-it is only the exterior that is changing-and I love her as much as I always have, I also have been forced to some extent to accept and honor my past because to do otherwise is to repudiate her in a sense.

Which has been healthy for me. It seems often when we are finally able to become ourselves we want to see that old image as another person and repudiate it-which robs us to some extent of who we are because that past shaped us. That was not another person-that was me living a difficult life the best I could and I am still connected to all the times my daughter and I shared. No one died. No one was her one day and him the next -it was all me. That helps her and perhaps will help some with your wife because I think that is what those who love us most fear. Losing us. And I suspect more marriages fail because of that than sexual issues at the heart of it,

It sounds like she is trying hard and committed to seeing you through this. There will be bad days. Painful times and she needs to vent-but as long as you are sharing those times and keep the committment and communication open then you have a good chance of getting through this as a couple. We hear the failures more than the successes but if you read all the posts you begin to see that as many people stay together as separate, The ones who stay together are not posting about it the way those who lost a S/O are, so it seems the other way around until you start looking case by case.

This period of change is hard. Very hard and it will last quite awhile but it is like a bridge you have to cross to get to the peace and stable life waiting on the other side. Where we are heading is a beautiful place. We need to keep picturing where we are going and that life after this will make it worth it.

Hope it feels better soon!

Hugs

Johnny

I do stress the 'was not my choice' side of it in our conversations. She'll seem to get it and then in the next instant say something like: "Then you decided to do this."

As you said, it's going to be a haul.

At any rate, let me just say this:

Love,

Cissy

P.S. Why are there no crying emoticons? Am I the only one that cries around here?

[Guest Micha]

Oh Cissy. . . *HUGGLES*

I don't really know what to say. It sounds so difficult to have the support some times, then not at others. . . and it's difficult for both of you. All I can offer is that I hope the both of you will find your balance, that your life together will work out for both of you.

P.S. Why are there no crying emoticons? Am I the only one that cries around here?

Of course not. . . but wow, can't believe I never noticed before. I don't even see a sad one. . . wierd.

Y.Y

[JJ]

Just the opposite Cissy-If there was a crying emoticon it would soon get worn out from constant use I think. But maybe one day PJ will add one anyway. A miracle worker is our PJ.

Hugs & love

Johnny

[Guest Chrysee]

Thanks to both of you. Micha, I seem to be a glutton for hugs (keep 'em coming, please!)

And here's a huge hug for each of you!

Cissy

[Guest Alder]

^^ Though others have already replied wonderful supportive letters I wanted to add in my own experience, though they're not as hard now since I'm no longer with my husband. Before our separation I would flat out tell him that I didn't want the body I have, it's the wrong one.. I should be an effeminate male, but instead I'm female. I would spend entire nights crying, many many days in depression and it only got worse after giving birth to my daughter(whom I love with all my soul, but the entire ordeal felt so very..unnatural to me)

He said he supported me with one breath and then say something like "I'll miss your boobs." the next. Then the all time kicker of after I left him for cheating on me(with a drag queen) he told me "you know if you'd turned into a guy... it just wouldn't have worked." which, made me laugh after all the hours he spent lying(and i knew he was) about how he would support me.

Even now, he'll come to pick up our daughter one day I was taking off my bindings (after a long day and some swelling they /had/ to come off) and he looked at me like I was crazy and asked what the bandages were for... like, the last few years of it being a constant topic in the house was simply something not important .

I have to say I'm happy on many levels to be out of there, but mostly because I can now be myself and find someone who will love me for the 'odd' one I am. On a more stable note, my daughter(now five) and mom are very supportive though my daughter doesn't really understand why 'mommy smooshes her boobies' she just laughs and goes on her way playing dragons and dinosaurs. And my mom, just wants me to be happy with whatever I need to do (she's in an alternate lifestyle so understands that it can be tricky to be yourself among the masses) though she'd miss her baby girl, she will refer to me as her son to our mutual friends And then my friends themselves are a miss match bunch of missfits so I mix right into the weave.

But, er, ramblings coming to an end... I understand the pain of the back and forth from a significant other, and i can only hope and wish for the best for you and your girlfriend, and that whatever may happen you both find happiness and I do hopes it's with each other (hopeless romantic~)

[Guest Chrysee]

^^ Though others have already replied wonderful supportive letters I wanted to add in my own experience, though they're not as hard now since I'm no longer with my husband. Before our separation I would flat out tell him that I didn't want the body I have, it's the wrong one.. I should be an effeminate male, but instead I'm female. I would spend entire nights crying, many many days in depression and it only got worse after giving birth to my daughter(whom I love with all my soul, but the entire ordeal felt so very..unnatural to me)

He said he supported me with one breath and then say something like "I'll miss your boobs." the next. Then the all time kicker of after I left him for cheating on me(with a drag queen) he told me "you know if you'd turned into a guy... it just wouldn't have worked." which, made me laugh after all the hours he spent lying(and i knew he was) about how he would support me.

Even now, he'll come to pick up our daughter one day I was taking off my bindings (after a long day and some swelling they /had/ to come off) and he looked at me like I was crazy and asked what the bandages were for... like, the last few years of it being a constant topic in the house was simply something not important .

I have to say I'm happy on many levels to be out of there, but mostly because I can now be myself and find someone who will love me for the 'odd' one I am. On a more stable note, my daughter(now five) and mom are very supportive though my daughter doesn't really understand why 'mommy smooshes her boobies' she just laughs and goes on her way playing dragons and dinosaurs. And my mom, just wants me to be happy with whatever I need to do (she's in an alternate lifestyle so understands that it can be tricky to be yourself among the masses) though she'd miss her baby girl, she will refer to me as her son to our mutual friends And then my friends themselves are a miss match bunch of missfits so I mix right into the weave.

But, er, ramblings coming to an end... I understand the pain of the back and forth from a significant other, and i can only hope and wish for the best for you and your girlfriend, and that whatever may happen you both find happiness and I do hopes it's with each other (hopeless romantic~)

Thank you so very much for sharing that. I don't recall hearing from you before. It's nice to meet new people, especially now. Not only am I having difficulties with my real life relationships, but the other day I dropped by my Profile Page only to discover that a few members had removed themselves from my Friends List. Now that hurt. I have no idea what I did to alienate them, as I try to be courteous and respectful in my communiques.

Sigh.

And so I'll bid "adieu." And yes, I am a romantic and certainly hope that she and I remain as one, for I don't have another 'do over' left over in me.

And that's a fact!

Cissy