Am I The Only One Who Doesn't Just Know?

[Guest AndyBCM]

I'm Andy and a 19 year old FtM however I haven’t been officially diagnosed yet with GID yet but my gender therapist said that he's fairly certain that i meet the criteria to make a diagnosis but he just wants to go to him a little longer before he gives me a certain diagnoses. Which is fine cause I’ve only seen him like twice. Though I’ve been going to a normal physiologist for months I just started seeing a specialist.

But that’s not the point of this post but I’m sure someone will say speak to your therapist about this (and i will btw) but i would just like to hear from some people who either are trans/informed ally’s/went through what I’m feeling etc.

Anyway I started questioning my gender 2 years ago after i discovered the word transgender could apply to me but before that i never had no real issues other than i just felt different to everyone, was depressed and lonely and had a want for something more. But it definitely wasn't like from ever since i could remember i knew i was a boy or wanted to be a boy or anything like that.

I live as male 24/7 in Dublin bar when i go home and spend time with my family in the west of Ireland. (i do that for several reason but mainly because my parents don't want my brothers to know, yet anyway. though my parents are supportive kind of. Plus it’s just awkward and hard)

Anyway i thought i was sure about everything that i wanted to start hormones straight away, get all the surgeries, do all the legal stuff etc. but now i feel like i did before i even came out for the first time in January. I just feel so confused. Like am i a boy at all? Should i even be on a trans forum like this. Ugh i know it’s a stereotype but am i the only one who didn’t just know they were born in the wrong body. That i always should have been a boy (or girl for any of the ladies on here reading this.)

I know this might sound silly but i made a list a type of pros and cons. maybe someone reading this could give some insight.

Reasons that I’m a boy:

1. My obsession with boys clothes (particularly t-shirts and shirt combo’s lol) and boxers and the fact I’ve been wearing them for ages.

2. I always day dream about doing daily things as male eg. walking down the street, doing dishes and basically what my life would be if i was born male or as a gay male and being a male teenager and also day dreaming about this unknown to myself

3. not wanting to wear a bra. like i had one in sixth class but i wouldn't wear it and then late into first year i was getting teased about not wearing one so i started. plus i was beginning to need one. also make up i only began wearing it because i had to, to fit in and to hide my face because i hated how it looked

4. not wanting to physically give birth/be pregnant/ fear of it and have been very pro adoption for like ever

5. I never ever picture myself as female during sex aka when dreaming/fantasizing/day dreaming.

6. my extremely strong desire to be a apart of the male gay community and to be one. Also the strength of my attraction to gay men and that they are the type of person I’m most attracted to. Also my genuine love for gay culture, the arts, literature, film and as well as well as how i love anything that is stereotypically gay music and genuinely love it/am obsessed with it. Also If I was born male I would fit all the stereotypes of being a gay male.

7. how my male name and pronouns make me feel aka amazing

8. wanting to be skinny, lanky, taller, flat chested and slim hips

9. recent acceptance that if i was to transition i wouldn't actually look like that but i'll sill be chubby old me but hairy and smelly and i'm okay with that. that its not just me wanting to be thin as in its not a weight issue. Like I’d be very happy male and as me or a male version of me.

10. 2 years of definite questioning

11. Various childhood memories. Obsession with toy cars, soldiers. wanting to be able to climb the wall like my brothers. wanting to be able to play sports amazingly particularly. soccer, boxing and hurling. obsession with different sports like i was mad into wrestling for a while, GAA and Tennis. also my taste in music like i went through a Metallica phase/oasis and masculine music phases.

12. Accidently calling myself/referring to myself male/Sweetie. and akwarly walking into the gents by mistake or when i see an add or post or something targeted at men or gay men i think it relates to me but it doesn't

13. always feeling like i was different to everyone and not fitting in.

14. not wearing swimming togs since i was like 13 cause i hate how my body looks

15. my general my loneliness/lack of confidence and want for something more.

16. who well i get along with the over 18's which are all gay lads

17. how i reacted to lady birds. as in how upset i would get by being there or afterwards because it confirmed my femininity and i didn't fit in.

18. how much i hate my hips

19. the fact i hate my soft skin

20. that i have aw sex drive that would any boy to shame. like i think about more then 24/7

21. that i want a penis so much and not just or sex and self gratification but for the general look of it and having that bulge in my trousers. (sorry i know that ones weird. )

22. The fact I’ve wanted short hair for a long time and have had it since February and love it

23. the fact one of my only friends in school was the lesbian lol

24. that i want to be hairy/see what a beard/facial hair would look like. have a deep voice and an Addams apple. Basically all the secondary male sex characteristics

25. That as the days go buy I resent anything remotely stereotypically female more and more. I get furious when I see young girls in pretty pick dresses thanks to the fact they were born with female sex organs and wishing they could dress like the little boys if they wanted to. Also that I’ve become too uncomfortable to were lots of the old girl clothes I used to wear all the time. Especially anything that involves dresses/skirts or cleavage and anything too revealing.

Now reasons why I’m a girl:

1. That it’s a phase and that out of the blue i just came up with the idea i was Trans

2. that i just want to be a gay man and be a part of that community, have those sexual relationships and that i'm just obsessed with the lgbt community and that i'm just doing this to fit into the lgbt community.

3. the fact i've always did girly activities from play with Barbie’s and bake to liking pink and not having an issue with them.

4. that i'm not extremely, extremely depressed about things.

5. that it is all just about my sexual fantasies and that its like a fetish or something.

6. Because I’m questioning it so much and that I just don’t know that I’m a boy.

Ugh I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so confused, I don’t know what to think any more. Help?!?!?!?!?

[Guest Miss_Construe]

Anyway I started questioning my gender 2 years ago after i discovered the word transgender could apply to me but before that i never had no real issues other than i just felt different to everyone, was depressed and lonely and had a want for something more. But it definitely wasn't like from ever since i could remember i knew i was a boy or wanted to be a boy or anything like that.

I live as male 24/7 in Dublin bar when i go home and spend time with my family in the west of Ireland. (i do that for several reason but mainly because my parents don't want my brothers to know, yet anyway. though my parents are supportive kind of. Plus it's just awkward and hard)

Do you not sit on a tack until you discover the tack on your chair?

Anyway i thought i was sure about everything that i wanted to start hormones straight away, get all the surgeries, do all the legal stuff etc. but now i feel like i did before i even came out for the first time in January. I just feel so confused. Like am i a boy at all? Should i even be on a trans forum like this. Ugh i know it's a stereotype but am i the only one who didn't just know they were born in the wrong body. That i always should have been a boy (or girl for any of the ladies on here reading this.)

I know this might sound silly but i made a list a type of pros and cons. maybe someone reading this could give some insight.

I 'knew' for as long as I can remember. That doesn't mean I was always able to admit to myself what I felt. "How could I have done this to myself? I have lasted this long. I can still function. I even sometimes tolerate being in this body. "

Anyone is welcome here and the answer that is right for you is the one we want you to find. If you are just a butch girl or actually going through a phase then we will be here during and after, without judgement.

As for your list, I would take another look at the cons. I don't see a single one that can hold any water. Most are easily rebutted in your pros list or preamble. The last just shows me how much you really want to be a boy.

All of that being said I will add that only you can ever really know for sure. No one, not your parents, therapist, friends or anyone else, including us here at Laura's, can tell you who you really are.

Hope that helps,

<3

Amy

[Guest Risu]

Hi Andy! I hate to admit it but I didn't "always know" but then I guess I kind of did. It's hard to explain but...

Like you, I grew up never having heard of transsexuals, never knowing such a thing existed. I was always a girly boy everyone teased because they thought I was gay. When I was 19, I was playing an online game as a female character and I wound up falling extremely, deeply in love with a male friend I had made on there. I knew he would never accept me because he wasn't gay and the emotional pain I felt was killing me. This is the main way we differ, but everyone is different in this, I was so depressed I was on the verge of Suicide. I hated myself and my body and if I couldn't be with the person I loved because of the way I was born I just wanted to die, but in a last ditch effort I tried googling a way to turn myself into a woman... I had googled magic spells or something equally desperate, naive and silly but what came up regardless, was information about Transsexuals, and suddenly it just clicked.

I guess in the back of my mind I always wished I was a girl, no doubting that, but I didn't know there was a way for me to become female and so I was content to live my life the way I had been raised to. I was depressed, as far as 8 years old I remember being depressed pretty much daily but my life was extremely rough and it wasn't only GID that was causing it, it was a mix of things. Anyways,

Yes you should speak to your therapist more about this. Don't feel bad that you haven't "always" known. There is a common phrase members here use a lot "Your Mileage May Vary". We're all different. We all find out at different times and we all experience all of this in different ways. Just because you didn't always know doesn't mean beyond a doubt that you're not transgendered/gender dysphoric. We all set different goals for ourselves and we all have different extents of transition we require to be able to live hapily and comfortably. For example, for me, 5 years ago I hated my body and was at the point of self mutilation. Over time, I grew up and matured. I tried transition in the past but screwed it up trying to rush it and so I learned how to live in a male body again and accept it. Now, I realize it is not my genitals I hate, but the way people percieve me, interact with me and treat me. I want to be female, but I don't necessarily need GRS/SRS to live hapilly. As I transition again, now for the second time, that could change.

Having read your list of pros and cons I found many similarities in the feelings/experiences we had, and so perhaps to better help you I will reply directly to your lists of pros and cons. I have a tendency to ramble and don't want to bore you.

Reasons that I’m a boy:

1. My obsession with boys clothes (particularly t-shirts and shirt combo’s lol) and boxers and the fact I’ve been wearing them for ages.

I never really payed attention to fashion in general because I hated the clothes I was forced to wear, but if I noticed something, wanted something or envied it, it was women's clothing for sure.

2. I always day dream about doing daily things as male eg. walking down the street, doing dishes and basically what my life would be if i was born male or as a gay male and being a male teenager and also day dreaming about this unknown to myself

This is one of the things I did to cope. I would day dream or imagine myself female and living my life, or thinking about how my life might be different had I been born in the right body.

3. not wanting to wear a bra. like i had one in sixth class but i wouldn't wear it and then late into first year i was getting teased about not wearing one so i started. plus i was beginning to need one. also make up i only began wearing it because i had to, to fit in and to hide my face because i hated how it looked

This is something I have recently been talking about with my therapist. One thing I really miss from the time I first transitioned is wearing a bra. I really miss wearing one to the point talking about it had me in tears but I didn't really know why. I know I always hated mens clothes, especially the underwear. I guess in my mind there is just something about undergarments that kind of solidifies gender? Not sure but I will say I love how boxers look on other men, just don't care to wear them myself lol.

4. not wanting to physically give birth/be pregnant/ fear of it and have been very pro adoption for like ever

I couldn't stand the idea of being called dad, or of sireing children. The idea of making a woman pregnant made me sick and feel terrible and guilty about the pain she would have to go through in child birth or having to carry the child for nine months. I wanted that to be my burden, I didn't want to give it to someone else. It just never felt right with me. Now I would definitely adopt if I could.

5. I never ever picture myself as female during sex aka when dreaming/fantasizing/day dreaming.

Not really sure with this one. I know I am attracted to men, but the idea of being a man with another man just feel comfortable for me. Nothing wrong with it it's just not something i want to experience for myself, it doesn't excite me, being a male during intimacy. The state of my genitals in fantasies and what not varies with how dysphoric I am feeling I guess but I really don't... think about it much or fantasize at all really. I know that if I were, I would picture myself female for self comfort over male.

6. my extremely strong desire to be a apart of the male gay community and to be one. Also the strength of my attraction to gay men and that they are the type of person I’m most attracted to. Also my genuine love for gay culture, the arts, literature, film and as well as well as how i love anything that is stereotypically gay music and genuinely love it/am obsessed with it. Also If I was born male I would fit all the stereotypes of being a gay male.

This one is all you sir, but likewise, with me, all my friends were girls growing up. I wasn't really comfortable with other guys and in general I wanted to be a part of the female world and cliques more than the male ones. Sexual orientation completely aside with this one for me. Everything I was interested in growing up was stereotypically feminine.

7. how my male name and pronouns make me feel aka amazing

Haven't picked a female name I feel comfortable with yet but when I find it I imagine I will feel the same.

8. wanting to be skinny, lanky, taller, flat chested and slim hips

I still want to be skinny, though no flat chested and I wouldn't mind feminine hips at all.

9. recent acceptance that if i was to transition i wouldn't actually look like that but i'll sill be chubby old me but hairy and smelly and i'm okay with that. that its not just me wanting to be thin as in its not a weight issue. Like I’d be very happy male and as me or a male version of me.

Same here. I am very tall, not within "normal" women's height range but I have accepted that and I also accept that I would be happier as a female version of me. It would just fit better.

10. 2 years of definite questioning

for me it's been closer to something like almost 6 years now but all of this can be very overwhelming. It's a big, life altering change that should not (and can't) be rushed

11. Various childhood memories. Obsession with toy cars, soldiers. wanting to be able to climb the wall like my brothers. wanting to be able to play sports amazingly particularly. soccer, boxing and hurling. obsession with different sports like i was mad into wrestling for a while, GAA and Tennis. also my taste in music like i went through a Metallica phase/oasis and masculine music phases.

Obession with girls toys for sure here. Unless it was dinosaurs, I liked those too. I just wanted people to stop expecting me to play sports and my father trying to force me to be on the wrestling team. I do love tennis though.

12. Accidently calling myself/referring to myself male/Sweetie. and akwarly walking into the gents by mistake or when i see an add or post or something targeted at men or gay men i think it relates to me but it doesn't

If you think something relates to you when it is targeted at men then it does. Maybe not physically, but identity wise it does. The physical side of it will come later if transition is something you decide to do. Don't exclude yourself yet.

13. always feeling like i was different to everyone and not fitting in.

you took the words right out of my mouth. Also generally uncomfortable in my own skin when I am out of the house and around strangers.

14. not wearing swimming togs since i was like 13 cause i hate how my body looks

not exactly sure what swimming togs are but I always swam in a shirt because I didn't feel comfortable shirtless, even though I was a "boy"

15. my general my loneliness/lack of confidence and want for something more.

You must be psychic! You've been reading my mind again!

16. who well i get along with the over 18's which are all gay lads

I always got along with girls better than boys here.

17. how i reacted to lady birds. as in how upset i would get by being there or afterwards because it confirmed my femininity and i didn't fit in.

Um... no quite sure exactly what this is either but I would imagine whatever the opposite is would distress me.

18. how much i hate my hips

yup. me too.

19. the fact i hate my soft skin

I hate having calouses from being forced to live/work as a man.

20. that i have aw sex drive that would any boy to shame. like i think about more then 24/7

My sex drive would be shameful if I were a "normal" boy. I don't have one really.

21. that i want a penis so much and not just or sex and self gratification but for the general look of it and having that bulge in my trousers. (sorry i know that ones weird. )

This is not weird. It comes with the territory of being born in the wrong gendered body. If I could give you mine I would, but you probably would want something a little more... well something you could be proud of to call your own I guess. Lol. Sorry x.x TMI I think... but for myself, I wish for the opposite.

22. The fact I’ve wanted short hair for a long time and have had it since February and love it

It has taken me 5 years but my hair is finally a length that I like. My hair grows really really slow. I've always envied long hair though.

23. the fact one of my only friends in school was the lesbian lol

Hmm... I had a bisexual friend, does that count?

24. that i want to be hairy/see what a beard/facial hair would look like. have a deep voice and an Addams apple. Basically all the secondary male sex characteristics

I am trying to get rid of mine. Never had an adams apple so I wouldn't worry too much with that one. And perhaps if you decide to undergo HRT that could change for you. Again, if I could give you my beard, etc, you could have it. I was always soft spoken though and I still get called "Ma'am" on the phone so I guess I couldn't help you there. In time though all of this may change for you.

25. That as the days go buy I resent anything remotely stereotypically female more and more. I get furious when I see young girls in pretty pick dresses thanks to the fact they were born with female sex organs and wishing they could dress like the little boys if they wanted to. Also that I’ve become too uncomfortable to were lots of the old girl clothes I used to wear all the time. Especially anything that involves dresses/skirts or cleavage and anything too revealing.

It is extremely painful and unfair that anyone is forced into wearing or doing things stereotypically related to one gender when they don't want to. This is something I am trying to fight in myself but as the days go by it does get harder and harder to live as someone you're not. Transition (for me) cannot be rushed though. It is one of those things that will take time, especially for safety reasons but it does get harder, the more honest with are with ourselves about what we like and what we feel, to do the opposite things of what we have wanted to for so long.

Now reasons why I’m a girl:

1. That it’s a phase and that out of the blue i just came up with the idea i was Trans

No one would willingly embrace the idea of being trans, and all of the struggles and difficulty being trans will cause you, on a whim. Even people who are bi-polar, schizophrenic, or have other mental disorders don't just wake up one day and hate their gender. That is something that just doesn't happen. If you feel you may be trans, you feel that way for a reason. Please be sure to continue seeing your therapist as they will be able to help you work with this feeling.

2. that i just want to be a gay man and be a part of that community, have those sexual relationships and that i'm just obsessed with the lgbt community and that i'm just doing this to fit into the lgbt community.

Everyone, Cisgendered, trans, straight, gay or bisexual, has things that they are obsessed with and a community they want to be a part of. No one would change their gender just to be a part of it if they didn't feel they were physically the wrong gender to begin with.

3. the fact i've always did girly activities from play with Barbie’s and bake to liking pink and not having an issue with them.

Boys play with barbies too. Toys are just toys and don't really mean much. Men cook too. Being someone who identifies as a gay male as you do, I doubt pink is very unusual in that community either but we're all different and entitled to like what we want. Just because you embrace some stereotypically feminine or female things doesn't mean that you can't be transgendered. I love video games which is a stereotypically masculine thing, but I still consider myself of a female mind. Also as a child, we just didn't know there were other options for us. We took what we were given and went along with it because we didn't know we could be or do anything outside of society told us we had to based on our physical gender.

4. that i'm not extremely, extremely depressed about things.

6 years ago as I mentioned, I was dysphoric to the point of suicide and self mutilation. Now, I accept things more as they are because I know they will change. It doesn't bother me. Enjoy this while it lasts because this could change, but if you're not depressed about it there is nothing wrong with that either. Everyone gets depressed, and NOT all trans people are equally depressed and upset about the way they were forced to live. This is one of those YMMV things. It seems to me you're very accepting of your feelings now and you live your life to suit them. That is wonderful. I hope you never have to feel the depression that is common among our community, but as you work with your therapist you might be surprised what will come up. Being trans, and accepting that is harder for some than others. Being extremely depressed, or lack of depression does not mean you are or are not trans.

5. that it is all just about my sexual fantasies and that its like a fetish or something.

This is something you will need to work out more with your therapist. From what you've written I doubt a "fetish" is all this is, but if it were then I would imagine crossdressing and a few um... props when being intimate with a significant other would be enough to help you feel more comfortable as yourself. From what you've written it seems to me that your feelings are a little more complex than just a sexual fetish, but again, this is something you need to bring up to your therapist.

6. Because I’m questioning it so much and that I just don’t know that I’m a boy.

I think it is very healthy to question this when you're in our shoes. As I said before, this is a life changing thing and will add struggles and difficulties to your life that otherwise wouldn't normally be there. This is why therapy is part of the reccomended treatment, to help us figure all of this out and to help us understand what a HUGE step transition is. It's no cakewalk, and only you can decide if it is the right path for you. There is a multitude of ways to be transgender. It's not just male or female, it's androgyny and gender queer too. The most important piece of information I can share is to be honest with yourself, 100% honest with yourself, and your therapist. You'll never really know if you're not. Don't say things you think your therapist needs to hear and don't leave out details you think might be contradicting what you're feeling right now. There is no right or wrong to any of this. What it boils down to is what makes you feel most happy and comfortable.

I know this turned out to be a lot longer than what I expected and probably a lot longer than you expected, but I hope this was able to help, and maybe someone a little more insightful will be along to reply soon.

[Guest Avery F]

Hey man,

Well firstly, no, you're not the only one who hasn't 'always known'. I didn't really realize that I was anything but a tomboy until I hit puberty. I've read several other posts here on Laura's stating similar experiences, so knowing right from day one that you're in the wrong body is NOT a prerequisite for being transsexual

As for your 'reasons that you're a boy', almost all of them are things that I, and I'm willing to bet a lot of the other transmen on this site, have experienced. The 'reasons that you're a girl' don't seem to hold much water, to me. I'll go over them one by one, as Risu did, and say why they don't sound conclusive to me.

1. That it’s a phase and that out of the blue i just came up with the idea i was Trans.

Almost nobody goes through a 'phase' in which they think they're trans. I'm not saying it never happens, but it's really, really rare. Also, why would you, specifically, decide that you were/wanted to be trans? As Risu said, it's not a particularly desirable thing to be. I can't tell you for certain that you're trans, obviously, but if you've felt this way for two years, as you mentioned in the section above, it would have to be a heck of a long phase.

2. that i just want to be a gay man and be a part of that community, have those sexual relationships and that i'm just obsessed with the lgbt community and that i'm just doing this to fit into the lgbt community.

Well, if you want to be a gay man, that would mean you're trans. Gay men are men, after all. Also, if you want to have a relationship with another man AS A MAN YOURSELF, that again would mean you're trans. If you just want to have a relationship with a gay man, but as a woman, that's different. It doesn't sound like that's what you want, though.

3. the fact i've always did girly activities from play with Barbie’s and bake to liking pink and not having an issue with them.

Stereotypes, while often based to some extent in fact, are almost never true 100% of the time. Liking pink does not make a man less of a man. Similarly, playing with GI Joes or whatever does not make a woman less of a woman. My sister, who I can say with almost total certainty is NOT secretly a transman, loved to swordfight and play with toy cars growing up. Pretty much everyone has at least one or two areas where they don't conform to gender stereotypes - so the fact that you played with Barbies doesn't really mean a thing.

4. that i'm not extremely, extremely depressed about things.

That's good! I'm glad you're not extremely depressed! Depression is NOT a prerequisite for being trans. It's common, yes, but a fair amount of the time the depression seems to stem from stressful family relationships, anxiety about coming out, fear of prejudice from the community, or other exterior factors. Being depressed just because one is trans is also not uncommon, as gender dysphoria is obviously not pleasant, but it's not a universal experience. Some people's dysphoria is simply stronger than others'.

5. that it is all just about my sexual fantasies and that its like a fetish or something.

Daydreaming about doing dishes as a man doesn't sound particularly sexual to me. You should probably talk about this with your therapist (heck, you should probably talk about ALL of these doubts with your therapist) but just from what you've posted here it seems as if your situation is not fetishistic in nature.

6. Because I’m questioning it so much and that I just don’t know that I’m a boy.

It's good that you're taking this seriously enough to think and question so much. Frankly, at no point is some sort of mystical voice going to say 'you're male!' and put an end to all your doubts. I think that one of the issues here may be with your definition of knowledge. In philosophy, knowledge consists of true, justified belief. Think about that - it is not 100% certainty. It is a belief (you seem to believe, mainly, that you're trans) which is true (you can't be 100% sure whether anything at all is true, so that particular variable is fairly moot here) and justified. The last is the main point here; do your reasons justify your belief that you're trans. Personally, I would say yes, but ultimately you'll have to decide that for yourself.

Yeah. Anyway. If you wanted a big old list like the one above, then I hope this helped. If you were just asking for an opinion on whether or not you sound like a transman, then yes, in my opinion you do.

Avery

[Carolyn Marie]

Andy, I think there is a difference between knowing you're transgender/transsexual, and taking the next step to acting on that knowledge. I've known I wanted to be a girl since I was 6-7 years old. I cross dressed into my 30's. But after coming here and learning about the process, and learning how to start, I was still confused. Was I a cross dresser, was I transsexual, did I need/want to transition?

I began seeing a G.T., and it took four months until I was certain, not only that I was trans, but that I had to transition. You've had two sessions with your G.T. That is barely enough time to get to know you, much less give you a definitive answer. But I don't even think they can or should give you an answer as to whether you should transition. That has to be your decision, and you have to be certain it is right for you. It is the most important decision you will ever make, so take your time. Don't feel rushed, don't feel pressured. When you are sure, you will know.

Whatever the answer turns out to be, we will support you. Count on it.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest AndyBCM]

Do you not sit on a tack until you discover the tack on your chair?

I 'knew' for as long as I can remember. That doesn't mean I was always able to admit to myself what I felt. "How could I have done this to myself? I have lasted this long. I can still function. I even sometimes tolerate being in this body. "

Anyone is welcome here and the answer that is right for you is the one we want you to find. If you are just a butch girl or actually going through a phase then we will be here during and after, without judgement.

As for your list, I would take another look at the cons. I don't see a single one that can hold any water. Most are easily rebutted in your pros list or preamble. The last just shows me how much you really want to be a boy.

All of that being said I will add that only you can ever really know for sure. No one, not your parents, therapist, friends or anyone else, including us here at Laura's, can tell you who you really are.

Hope that helps,

<3

Amy

Do you not sit on a tack until you discover the tack on your chair? – I like that analogy. I hope you don’t mind I might steal that for future use.

Also thank you for replying to my rant and giving your opinion. It’s very much appreciated.

Thanks and hopefully the without judgment thing will translate to my life no matter if this is a phase or if I transition.

I get what you’re saying about my list and the cons no holding enough water as it were but in my opinion the are huge factors like these are my three biggest worries when it comes to this mess:

1. That it’s a phase

2. That I’m doing it cause I want to be a gay boy and all the stuff sexually related to that

3. That its what I want and not what I need.

So I don’t think worries as big as those should be over looked because this is me and I’m different from everyone else. Like all Trans people are individuals just like cisgendered people it’s just all this rubbish is confusing and hard no matter how any of us feel. My therapist did say though its usually only a phase for pre-teen gay boys and that once they hit puberty and there hormones and attraction to boys explode they move on from any feminine or “Barbie” obsessions apparently. So yeah I don’t know what to think lol

I thought I had everything sorted but I just feel like I have no idea what to do any more. My confidence has been destroyed. Like I’m even questioning my sexuality again and I had that signed a sealed and over with (aka that love for me is genderless and sexless and that it just depended on the person aka pansexual) but now even the non-issue that was my sexuality has become an issue again. My friend says is because of my parents struggling with all this and my dad saying things like I’ll never be able to you my son that as blown my confidence out of the water. That I’m a person who tries to avoid conflict and me transitioning causes conflict and that I don’t want to lose my relationship with my parents.

Ugh I don’t know lol

[Guest AndyBCM]

Like you, I grew up never having heard of transsexuals, never knowing such a thing existed. I was always a girly boy everyone teased because they thought I was gay. When I was 19, I was playing an online game as a female character and I wound up falling extremely, deeply in love with a male friend I had made on there. I knew he would never accept me because he wasn't gay and the emotional pain I felt was killing me. This is the main way we differ, but everyone is different in this, I was so depressed I was on the verge of Suicide. I hated myself and my body and if I couldn't be with the person I loved because of the way I was born I just wanted to die, but in a last ditch effort I tried googling a way to turn myself into a woman... I had googled magic spells or something equally desperate, naive and silly but what came up regardless, was information about Transsexuals, and suddenly it just clicked

I guess in the back of my mind I always wished I was a girl, no doubting that, but I didn't know there was a way for me to become female and so I was content to live my life the way I had been raised to. I was depressed, as far as 8 years old I remember being depressed pretty much daily but my life was extremely rough and it wasn't only GID that was causing it, it was a mix of things. Anyways,

Thanks you for taking your time to write such a long reply, seriously thank you so, so much. I really appreciate it Anyway I did actually know the word transsexual or transgender as in I heard the word and new it meant like a man who had a sex change to be a woman in an uneducated, ignorant kind of way. But with a mix of curiosity, obsession with what it would be like for a woman to turn into a man as it were and what would happen to a woman if they went on hormones, an extended period of intense googleing ensued and the more and more I read the more it seemed to click with how I felt and the more clues in those feelings and my past that became obvious. I did the magic spell thing too embarrassingly. I even said some of them lol. I would just wish or be sitting on my bed imagining turning into a boy right there and then.

When it comes to the depression side of it, I’ve always felt I was depressed for a very long time but it wasn’t because of stereotypical gender dysphoria and it wasn’t so intense that I was self-harming or committing suicide or anything like that. I just felt lonely, different, I didn’t fit in and I just generally felt rubbish all the time.

"Your Mileage May Vary". – I like that too btw

2. I always day dream about doing daily things as male eg. walking down the street, doing dishes and basically what my life would be if i was born male or as a gay male and being a male teenager and also day dreaming about this unknown to myself

This is one of the things I did to cope. I would day dream or imagine myself female and living my life, or thinking about how my life might be different had I been born in the right body

4. not wanting to physically give birth/be pregnant/ fear of it and have been very pro adoption for like ever I couldn't stand the idea of being called dad, or of sireing children. The idea of making a woman pregnant made me sick and feel terrible and guilty about the pain she would have to go through in child birth or having to carry the child for nine months. I wanted that to be my burden, I didn't want to give it to someone else. It just never felt right with me. Now I would definitely adopt if I could

10. 2 years of definite questioning

for me it's been closer to something like almost 6 years now but all of this can be very overwhelming. It's a big, life altering change that should not (and can't) be rushed.

11. Various childhood memories. Obsession with toy cars, soldiers. wanting to be able to climb the wall like my brothers. wanting to be able to play sports amazingly particularly. soccer, boxing and hurling. obsession with different sports like i was mad into wrestling for a while, GAA and Tennis. also my taste in music like i went through a Metallica phase/oasis and masculine music phases.

Obsession with girls toys for sure here. Unless it was dinosaurs, I liked those too. I just wanted people to stop expecting me to play sports and my father trying to force me to be on the wrestling team. I do love tennis though.

2. Technically this is another worry for me like is this a coping mechanism, a fantasy that I’ve pushed so far. That being male and/or transitioning and being Trans will make my rubbish life better and I’ll be in a relationship with another gay boy and live happily ever after. Which is ridiculous when you think about like who would actually want to be trans or transition. Its something people do because they have to for their own wellbeing and not because they choose to. Like no offence to anyone but it’s not cool to be trans, its difficult and hard and no one scane should want to live a difficult life like that.

4. This is a major issue for me actually and I probably should have put this on the original list but I forgot. I for some reason find it easier to picture myself as older in a male form and as a father. I actually struggle to picture myself as older with winkles etc as female and running after my future kids as a stereotypical mom. However though I have a fear of actual child birth I still want to have lots and lots of kids so I have the parental instinct within me. Though I’m pro adoption and would love to yank my female reproductive system out and all the awfulness it causes, still not having my own kids is something quite tragic but also something I’m going to have to consider thoroughly.

10. I guess rushing that’s one of my major fears I came out to my best friend at the end of January and practically by April/may I’ve been living as male full time (bar of course in front of my parents) so there for I feel like in some ways everything is going too fast and that its all just out of the blue. But on the flip side I did everything in the time I felt ready to. Like I had to work up to coming out, I wanted to cut my hair when I did, I started binding full time when I was ready, same with name and pronouns etc. The only thing I wasn’t ready for was coming out to my parents. They kind of forced me out. So yeah anyway I completely agree that things as serious as transitioning shouldn’t be rushed as everything must be considered with no stone left unturned.

11. With this in my opinion I couldn’t care less what toys children play with. They don’t really define gender as they are just what entertains the child and everyone is different. Though its standard practice to look at these serotypes when it comes to gender and any issues to go with it. So that’s why I’m taking these into consideration when it comes to my questioning. At the end of the day society places far to much significance on these stereotypes and all its doing is making me confused since I did enjoy a lot of girls stuff too.

13. always feeling like i was different to everyone and not fitting in.

you took the words right out of my mouth. Also generally uncomfortable in my own skin when I am out of the house and around strangers

14. not wearing swimming togs since i was like 13 cause i hate how my body looks

not exactly sure what swimming togs are but I always swam in a shirt because I didn't feel comfortable shirtless, even though I was a "boy"

16. who well i get along with the over 18's which are all gay lads

I always got along with girls better than boys here.

17. how i reacted to lady birds. as in how upset i would get by being there or afterwards because it confirmed my femininity and i didn't fit in.

Um... no quite sure exactly what this is either but I would imagine whatever the opposite is would distress me.

13. My therapist did mention this was why he thought I had GID because of the fact I felt like I was different and then and discovered later that the word trans applied to me. That I was typical rather than the stereotypical boy trapped inside a girl’s body from like 2 years old or whatever.

14. Sorry it might be only where I’m from they are called swimming togs. That I mean is like a swimming costume or swimsuit like a one piece or bikini (though I’ve never ever wore a bikini in my life and never will)

Sorry I was quite tired when I posted the topic and I missed this bit when I was editing it and making it understandable to anyone who wasn’t me. Basically when I was editing it from rough work to something postable. What I actually meant was:

16. That when it comes to the LGBT support and youth groups I go to I’ve become an integral member of the gay boys click. Like in the youth group I go to its very clickly. Basically the lesbians are one group, the over 18 gay lads are another. Then the Trans people don’t go to any other group then the trans pacific one bar a couple of people and then there’s the group of people or leftovers who are under 18. Basically what I meant was I get along so well with them, I fit in perfectly with them, I’ve become really close with them and I’ve become a part of the group which is bizarre for me cause they are 1. The popular crowed (and I was always the nerd that didn’t fit in) and two depending on how you look at it like I’m the only girl(Biologically anyway)/trans guy.

17. The ladybirds is the name of the LBT woman’s group and when I first started going to any LGBT support groups I went to this too but after and during every meeting I just felt to so depressed. Once I was even hysterical and I was crying so much in the middle of the night my best friend forced me to get a taxi to hers a spend the night with her. I really felt like an outsider and that I didn’t belong at all. Soon though I realised I was getting upset because it reaffirmed my femininity and I just felt I really didn’t belong there.

23. the fact one of my only friends in school was the lesbian lol

Hmm... I had a bisexual friend, does that count?

I know that doesn’t really mean that I’m male but its interesting that one of my only friends from school was a member of the LGBT community who’s a butch lesbian.

Later you go on to mention talk to my therapist about various things and don’t worry I will. But I just get to see him every Saturday so I like to take the opportunity to vent when I can lol.