Moving Backwards

[Guest Varen]

Alright, gonna warn right up front: this is a rant that's been seven months in coming.

So up up until about seven months ago I was out to most of the important people and to everyone else I was just Mongoose, the tall goth kid who wasn't really male or female, which I was ok with. I passed about 50% of the time and just confused the other 50%. I seeing a therapist about everything and generally life was going decently (all things considered). Then I got an amazing internship in the photography department of a dolphin facility, only problem was that everyone there knew me as a girl. I decided that for three months I could suck it up, I could pretend to be a girl in flipflops and boardshorts (all guys clothes but completely opposite my normal style and not anything that I'm real comfortable wearing). It was hard to go back in the closet after having been mostly out of it but I couldn't pass up this opportunity. Well, a month and half into my internship they offered me a job, I took it without really thinking it through, mostly just marveling that I was 19 and a professional photographer. At first I just dealt with it, I was still figuring out the whole living on my own thing (no roommates, which is wonderful) and was able to just focus on things other than transition.

In April I spent two weeks in Japan with a good friend of mine and got to just be me. I came out to my friend about halfway through my trip and she said that her and a couple of other of my friends were wondering when I'd figure it out, they guessed it a couple years ago but weren't going to say anything until I brought it up. It was so cool to be a total guy for two weeks (I passed 100% in Japan) and just get to be me in everyway.

Then I came back to the little deserted island where I live and had to go back to being someone I'm not. My grand total of two friends include one guy (who I can actually have guy conversations with until he remembers I've got boobs) and his girlfriend (who would be great if she could get over being paranoid that I'm going to steal her boyfriend) and it's getting harder to be around them without having the urge to come out to them. But coming out down here is a bad idea, I get enough nuts for having a partially shaved head, there is nothing open-minded about this place and I would most likely lose my job (which, as much as I dislike working there, I have alot of love for the facility itself and my mother, who is totally against me being anything other than a perfectly ordinary 19 year old girl, has very close ties to the people there).

Lately all I can think about is going home and trying to pick up where I left off, I hate where I live, I hate my job and I hate who I have to be here. Only problem is I can't leave until at the earliest January 15th and I'm not sure how to keep going until then. I just can't motivate myself to do anything, even the stuff I enjoy doing and I'm scatterbrained to point where you can tell me that something needs to be done and five minutes later it's already off my radar screen. I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm trying my best to keep moving forwards but I feel like I'm just losing ground.

So in summary (and if you guys actually read that whole rant I commend you), do any of you gents (and ladies too) have any suggestions for trying to move forward (or even stand still) while living in place that seems determined to suck all the life and hope out of you besides coming out or moving to someplace else?

And just for kicks, thought I'd throw in a pic of me and see what you gents think, can I still pass when I can look the way I chose?

Pic here

[Guest jantonio]

Yes, I did read the entire rant.

You actually pass dude, so no problems there.

I can't exactly tell you what to do because ultimately it is your decision. I kind of feel like you at work or around the people that know me as a woman and still "ma'm" me and all that crap. When I am with my friends and my girlfriend in public I feel free because I am myself. If someone calls me a lady or something like that my gf and I correct them. I can't wait to come out at work which will hopefully be pretty soon so they can start addressing me with the proper pronouns and my male name.

Anyway, try to reflect on what you would like to do when you're at peace and the answer will come.

Best of luck...

Jose Antonio....

[Guest Evan_J]

Yes, I read the entire rant.

And, when you look like you want to you definately pass.

I don't know what to do that actually aleviates the way you feel other than coming out or moving someplace else. -Those were the only two options I found for me and when I went with door number one where I live -living "out" and looking as I choose the world around me rejected that. So, no advice from the societal outcast lol. Dunno if it'll help but maybe just try to "soak up" yourself in your real appearace as much as you can when you're away from that job and home? I hope that helps till you can do something different And definately utilize every little venue you can to express yourself; internet, forums like this, video game where you play in the sex you feel... whatever will help you hang in there till January or whenever you can do what will make you happier. I would look into a job doing the same thing someplace you can be free. You've gained experience now take it with you.

[Guest DZyg]

I read the whole rant and checked the pic.

Dude, you pass, no problems.

Stay strong. You sound like you have an amazing career ahead of you. I'm sure that'll come eventually whether you come out now or not.

Stay positive and Good luck not matter what you choose to do.

Dino

p.s. sorry that wasn't a definite answer. always here to chat

[Guest Snow Angel]

I really liked your story, and you look good. I'm not entirely sure what you should do, but don't do anything rash. I believe you should ride it out a bit and build your career. It's really hard to fire someone after they're already hired for awhile. And if they really like the work you do, it won't even matter to them much when you do come out at work. Also, don't be something you're not just for other people. Start acting somewhat male at work, if you aren't already. Be yourself and be comfortable with it, even if people think it's weird. That way when you come out you might get a lot of 'I'm not surprised' responses.

For the longest time at workplaces, people I'd just met would assume I was gay. I didn't ever know why. But now I realize, it's just because I've always been myself. The things I'd do and way I act that are automatic. High pitched, sing songy 'good mornings', smiling a lot, bobbing at my work station, sitting with legs crossed and body in a compact fashion, hand gestures, and the refined way I walk.

Sorry my advice isn't better. But just tough it out, and do your best to create an image of a good employee, and if you come out at that job it'll be that much easier.

[Guest Varen]

Thanks everyone (and I applaud you for reading that mass of words), glad to know I can still pass on the rare occasions I can dress like I please.

Having places like this is great, at least I can be me online (I'm out on pretty much all the forums I on). Just started playing WoW and I love that one of our guild rules is that players are referred to by their character's name and gender (I know several guildmembers irl and none of them know I'm trans).

I'm starting to look into places to move after I leave here (I'll go home for awhile to make some money, I hate living paycheck to paycheck), it helps to be formulating a plan for what I'm going to do next. Luckily my job can be done anywhere in the world, so I can pick where I want to go. Though I'm kinda leaning towards living at home until I can get top surgery and then moving somewhere where I can start over with a blank slate, but we'll see.