Isabella Anne's Story

[Guest Isabella_Anne]

My story started as most do when I was very young. I noticed I was different at the age of 9 as I recall. my sister and I both loved playing in my mothers clothes. I loved her dresses and silky underwear. Like most youngster at that age I was told that boys don't wear dresses and silky undies. I watched my sister get all these things as we grew up. I was always very jealous that she got to wear all the pretty clothes. So like most of use I borrowed all sorts of things as I grew up. I got caught the first time when I was 13 or 14. Mom caught me in my room she just walked in without knocking. After the third of fourth time I was sat down and talked too. I was embarrassed and refused to talk.

So like all good intentioned parents they sent me to see a shrink because there was something wrong with me. Mind you this was 1977 I think and there was no such thing as gender specialist or if there was I never saw one. The first one I saw was a man who had no clue of what to make out of me. I was young and really had no clue how to communicate my feelings very well. And him being a man he had no idea what to make of them. I told my parents I would try to stop and as good parents out of site out of mind was a good policy. I keep it hidden for many years and used Halloween as a good excuse to dress as a girl in public.

I had really no friends growing up and the ones I did wear girls. I never went on dates and experimented with minor drugs until I got bored with them. The only other person that new I wore girls clothes and underwear was my grandmother. I could dress up in the house but she would not let me go outside dressed. I always had clothes at her house when I visited in the summer and other times of the year. Those were so very lonely and painful times growing up and I wish I would have been more assertive.

I spent 10 years in the Military and enjoyed my time there. Again very lonely and with few friends. I flew as a crew chief so I was very busy with my work. It was hard to dress during those times but I did live alone and had my own place. I was very confused in those years not understanding the feelings I had and why I could not make friends with other guys. And girls wanted nothing to do with me. I guess I sent off signals to both somehow. They were not mean to me mind you, but I could not get close. I thought many time in those years growing up of ending my life. I could not show weakness in the Military or they would have kicked me out and it was all I had at the time. I would try to focus on manly things to get me by and try to live a "normal" life.

I have used anger to compensate for my feminine feelings and manures. I have been caught by girls and some have asked me about such times. There always very nice, caring and understanding. I tell them how I feel and why I do the things that I do. Some are OK and some just avoid me from then on. Like I have some sort of disease the contagious. I spent a lot of time alone crying those years in the dark and still do. Like most of us i thought of end my life many times. What is life without some sort of joy or someone to enjoy it with. My parent moved to Asia for 5 years during that time so I had no one to really talk to. If it were not for my job I surely would not be here today.

I left the Military in 1995. I went to work for a friend of a friend commercial fishing off the coast of California. I did that for 3 years and enjoyed the sea. Again another job where I could not really be myself. During that time I met a girl who was rather eccentric. She and her family live in pebble beach. I had never heard of there family, but they were extremely wealthy. I met her having a drink at a bar and she was very nice but I could tell there was something different about her. Her house she said was haunted and it was one of the first built in the Del Monte forest as its called. She liked to dress boys as girls be she had her fun so to speak. I think I scared her because I acted too much like a girl. I either case we had fun doing that for a few months. She was the first one to help me dress and go out in public. She took me shopping and bought me lots of nice clothes and lingerie. And when I say nice I mean nice. I had never seen a 100+ pair of panties much less considered buying them. I guess the novelty wore off for her and we drifted apart. Those few months with her were the best in my life to this day. I'm not using names here and I'm sure you understand why. My womans intuition saved me once again as it saved me many time flying in the Military.

My partner I fished with got mad at me right before we started the 4th season of fishing. He was a terrible drunk but that night he went off about something stupid. I went to bed very mad and my little voice said leave. I packed my stuff and left and stayed at a friends house. 4 months later his boat rolled and sunk at sea during the night. The boat and neither him or his new crewman were ever found. Even though he had a bad drinking problem I miss him to this day.

I made up with the parents and went to college. I got a BS in a little over two years. I took 20 units at a time. Ever with 20 units college was boring. I got an degree in IT and the IT bubble broke soon after I graduated. I still have never work in my degree field. My family decided to move north to Oregon right before I graduated. Having nothing to keep me in California I moved north also. I worked a few jobs but never really found my place. I hurt my back flying and the job I was doing caused too much pain to continue. I had it MRI and found I really screwed it up. Blown discs and nerve damage in one spot and the same in a lower spot. All the Dr. thought I was just another pain junky looking for meds until they saw the damage. Its caused me pain, depression and a general poor outlook in all. Which brings me to this post.

I still hide who I am. I have lived with this for so long. I have not worn guys undies for a long time and I don't own any either. I don't get a second look at Dr. offices or nurses. I don't think anyone really cares these days. I live in my house, alone. I have zero friends. I have tried but I start getting those looks and I would rather not stir up other peoples lives with my issues. I read a lot and write my thoughts down from time to time. I would love to be female full time but I don't want to hurt those I love. Its hard trying to weigh my feelings against those I love. My sweet sister would understand, but my father and mother are too old fashioned. My mother knows but says nothing. She just thinks I'm a cross dresser and ignores it. If Dad know he says nothing. I have never wrote about my true self on a forum before. I want to thank Laura's Playground for starting a venue like this. I have been looking for a place like this where I can exchange thoughts with like minded people.

Update: I have told my psychiatric at the VA (veterans admin) that I am transgender and I have also told my parents. It was so scared but my parents were very understanding. I am so blessed. They have offered any help that I need. I think just understanding and being supporting is enough. It was a great burden lifted off my shoulder. I slept for 13 hours straight last night. Its the longest straight sleep I have head since I can remember.

Isabella

Edited July 2, 2011 by Carolyn Marie
Wall of text seperated into paragraphs to make it more readable.

[Carolyn Marie]

Thanks so much for posting your story, Isabella. I hope you don't mind breaking up your wall of text. I think you'll get a few more responses with the edits.

Your story, while unique, is not that different than many I've read here. The common themes are loneliness, the need to fit in with societies expectations, and the depression and anxiety those attempts brought. I'm glad, very glad, that you came out to your parents at last and have some peace of mind as well as support. Late it may be, but late truly is better than never.

Keep posting your stories and your questions, hon. We'll be here to help. Count on it.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest ricka]

Hi Sugar!!! And a warm welcome to our family here at Laura's! I'm so happy you have joined us.

I can sooo relate to your story, as many transwomen would here at Laura's. I live in Oregon myself BTW. Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk to a local girl. One of the things I've set out to do is to build a support system of friends who accept and support me as a transwoman. Many of us struggle with isolation. Joining Laura's is a great start but we also need to have people in our lives to encourage and love us for who we are.

Miss Ricka

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Isabella,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna