Eatting Disorders In The Way Of Transition.

[Guest Risu]

Last week I started seriously dieting and exercising again... I starved, and I exercised. I cut calories and went without. I ate plenty of things I normally wouldn't otherwise. Mid way through the week I found I lost one pound. The Friday rolls around and I find I gained 2. One step forward. two steps back. I went on an eatting binge that night and probably ate more calories that night than I had that whole week. When it was done... for the first time ever I truly felt an honest desire to begin some of the practices commonly associated with Anorexia.

Now I am feeling totally defeated. I am 6'3" and I don't want to be fat. I want to be a healthy weight. I have big bones and having as little weight as possible stuck to them really makes a difference in whether I do or don't pass... Friday night I decided I would fast saturday and sunday. I went to work saturday and had an awful day, not from hunger, just one of those days. Somehow I didn't really feel hungry most of the day. Then I went home and my grandparents invited me out to dinner. I don't understand why I didn't say no. I don't understand why I didn't go. I was doing fine. We went out to a nice little Mexican restaurant and I had a salad and a bunch of chips and salsa... and then I went home and had popcorn and the second night of binging began.

Today, I went all day without anything to eat, mostly because I selpt through half of it. Dinner time rolls around and my grandmother tells me to come and eat, dinner is ready. I could have stayed in my room. I could have pretended I didn't hear her or that I wasn't hungry because somehow, again, I wasn't feeling very hungry... but then I felt bad ignoring her... and I knew if I said I wasn't hungry or didn't want it the interrogation would begin followed by smart remarks I didn't feel like dealing with. I figured, one meal today wouldn't hurt. I would be polite and eat what my grandmother had gone to the trouble to prepare for me and not feel like an inconsiderate, ingrate of a grandchild. cheeseburgers (extra lean beef), with homestyle baked beans and lays potatoe chips. I was proud of myself. I took a small helping of beans and no chips. As I was leaving the kitchen my grandmother asked me to take the last bit of beans so they wouldn't go to waste... ok my baked beans were now doubled... but I still refused potatoe chips.

Later, I had to go to work and pick up some dogs my grandmother had decided to board. I have been feeling totally defeated anyways and so when she went through the McDonalds drive through to get herself a caramel frapucino I couldn't resist when she asked if I wanted something. A large strawberry shake, 2 chicken sandwhiches and a small fry later I am typing this.

I just don't know what to do. Last week I starved... I exercised... I ate vegetables which is rare for me, and an excess of fruit and stuck to my points (I am with weight watchers) and still... gained weight... It doesn't make any sense to me that some people can eat everything in sight and not gain weight (most of my rl friends) and then most people don't do without things that they like on occasion, candy or w/e and they still maintain a healthy weight. Why do I need to alter my life so much, and starve, and do without to the point my life is upside down only to gain a pound?

one pound may not sound like much... but after last week... it sent me spiraling into the worst depression I have had in a long while...

Today I tried drinking an excess of water and chewing gum to fight off the hunger. The water helped fight the hunger but my grandmother says that chewing gum makes you more hungry...

I have almost no willpower to prevent myself from over eating. Every day it's a massive strugle. I eat when I am bored as a force of habit. My cure for depression was learned by the Golden Girls, you know Blanche, Dorothy, Rose and Sophia? Cheesecake and Ice cream will always take my blues away... at least until the cheesecake and ice cream are gone.

I seriously want to... induce vomiting every time I eat lately or just do myself harm... I am so angry and upset with myself right now and even worse, depressed. I am so lost and feel so hopeless... The last thing I need to do is lose weight too quickly so then I can have lose and saggy skin on top of my stretchmarks (knowing my luck I will anyway).

Those of you who take the time to read this... any help for developing or bolstering will power? Any tips for fighting hunger or worse, false hunger brought on by boredom or depression? The last time I was with weight watchers in 06' I lost 40lbs with relative ease. I didn't have to exercise extra or anything and back then I was on HRT. This time I spent the last 6 months of last year losing about 25 lbs or so and I haven't been able to lose anymore. I am not on HRT at present but hoping to start soon... just waiting (over a week now) for the call from the doctor I traveled 140 miles to see (which isn't helping my depression or mood as I want to get started on HRT again right away!).

Hopefully next week will go better... I just can't seem to put a lid on the binge eatting and the over eatting.

Wish me luck..

~Risu.

[MackenzieB]

Weight watcher's seems to have a decent enough system. I've not used it myself but I have an Aunt who did quite well with it. I usually just go by what the Doctor tells me. Stay under 2000 calories a day and under 60 grams of fat. A lot of days I cut the caloric intake way below the 2000 mark. But to be diligent on it you have to read the labels. All of them. With some Alfredo sauces, 1/4 cup is your fat intake for the entire day!

Even on a snack (I love my chocolate!) I read the labels and use that info when deciding which to get. I try to munch on celery or carrots for a light snack. I avoid popcorn if it has butter on it (what's in that stuff anyway?) so I go with the non buttered variety.

If you have a job where you tend to sit at a desk all day, 2000 calories may be higher than you need. I tend to walk at least 4 hours a day at my job so I'm burning some of it off just doing that.

Almost every website of a fast food establishment has a link to a page with nutritional content. 2 chicken sandwiches and a small fry? 44 grams of fat.

McDonald's Nutritional Data