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Presenting.....umm Who Am I Again???


Guest Jadyn_Riley

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Guest Jadyn_Riley

Hello Everyone,

So I’m new here, I’m looking for answers and someone to talk to just like everyone else here...my given birth name is Jennifer, but please call me Jadyn on here...

So basically I’ve been confused about who I am for the 19 years of my existence. But recently I’m more confused then ever...I just want to die some days and others I try to make my life work the way it is...

I was the whole "tomboy" thing through out my childhood...everybody wanted me to change and be the beautiful girl they knew I could be...and as for me, I just wanted my family to love and except me...so freshman year I drastically changed...into this person everyone else wanted me to be...I decided to be the pretty little girl and everyone was so thrilled about it...everyone kept saying how beautiful I was, but I never felt beautiful…it just felt like Halloween everyday…

I had a couple boyfriends...and I appeared to have changed and was "normal" and everyone was so happy...before that everyone thought I was a lesbian...and I do like some girls but I don’t consider myself to be a lesbian because I feel like a man not a woman...there was this girl in high school that I was friends with...her name was Hope :blush: ...I liked her so much but I was to scared to say anything because my family would disown me if I were ever with a girl...things kept changing through out freshman year...I started hurting myself (self mutilation) and I overdosed a couple times...I ended up in the hospital 3 times because of everything...and I basically hurt everyone around me in the process...but everything I did never changed the way I felt...

Today I have graduated (2007) and am living away from home and starting school again this fall...but things are far more confusing then ever...

I fell in love with a man, and I married him last year...the thing is I love him so muchand I never want to lose him...I just don’t love myself, the way I am...and I don’t think he would love who I really feel like/am...but I’m not happy presenting as a female...I love his family everybody is so great to me but all they keep talking about is us having kids...don’t get me wrong I want kids, I just don’t want to HAVE them...

I love hanging out with his younger brothers just playing basketball, cards or playstation...they are my best friends...I feel a little more comfortable when I’m with them...and they don’t care at all that I’m technically a "girl" and act boyish...I think they kind of think its cool that I don’t sit inside playing dress up, lol... but then I’m not as close with my husbands sister because I don’t feel like my self around her...she thinks I don’t like her but that’s not it at all...I am just not the girl people see on the outside...I cant really relate to her most of the time...she'll want to talk to me sometimes and I’ll try my hardest but sometimes all I can come up with is a smile and a nod.

Yesterday the worst thing in the world happened…all of us were at Cedar Point and there was this man there that obviously wasn’t born a man and my sister in law showed him to me and said omg that’s a chick and started laughing…it hurt and I was so shocked that all I could do was pretend to laugh to…I don’t know why it hurt me so bad but it did…

I don’t know what to do... I’m so scared that if I do/say something that my husband will leave me... and the only people I actually care about will all disown me…but I don’t know how much longer I can put on this act...

Sorry for the length…

Thanks,

Jadyn Riley

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Hey Jadyn,

I'm new here too. I've done the "try to be a perfect female" thing. I've done the major depression, self-destructive thing. I'm just not beginning my transition and I've been really blessed with supportive people in my life.

I'm here to chat. If you need to vent, that's cool. PM or email me anytime.

Stay strong

Dino

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Guest Evan_J

Congratulations.

If nothing else you DO know that the actual you and the you that you're showing the world are not the same. Thats a lot. It means you recognize the real from the fake. Hold on the real you, whatever else.

As for the Cedar Point thing, its like when I was small and my mother called lgbt people of whatever grouping "things"; actually what she said was , "You be careful if one of those 'things' comes in a public bathroom and you're in there ok? You be careful of them, and you leave." -and I died 10 thousand times in that one sentence just as much as if she'd killed me because I realized in those few seconds that in actuality to her (if she knew) then I was a "thing" instead of human. Maybe thats why it hurt you. -You saw yourself in that other person?

In any case, I get what you mean about the kid-subject. I used to say I'd have em just as soon as I could find the woman who was going to give birth to them B) It's amazing, but no matter how I explain it no body apparently can ingest that the idea of me experiencing the physical components of .... "that".... is "against nature", distressing, and horrific for me. Its not meant for me. Its not meant for any man. It makes me want to start shaking people until they get it..... That's me.

I hope this all works out for you. It means something to have people you feel close to. Who knows maybe at some point if you come out to them you may end up with a close relationship with your sister-in-law too. Some times that occurs when peeps get the real deal iinstead of their imagined one as to why someone "doesn't like them". As for you husband, take your time, don't rush, you'll know when its right. And as good of a relationship as you say you have he'd have to only love the "package" instead of the "contents" if he just left without any ties.

All the best, and keep us posted.

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  • Root Admin

Hello Jadyn,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

MaryEllen :)

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