There & Back Again

[Guest Aly Kat]

Hi,

I'm going to tell you all a story that I don't usually share with people.

5 years ago, I was 17 and morbidly obese. I ate my dysphoria away and didn't really care about my health at all.

4 years ago I decided to lose weight... so I started exercising for an hour each day and watching what I ate. I lost about 100-120lbs.

Over the next few years I started exercising more and more.. and more.. and limiting what I ate more and more... didn't really see it as a problem. Four or more hours a day of vigorous cardio was normal for me. Skipping a few meals here or there to lose weight was OK.

This past year and a half for me was terrible. I started to skip my college classes just to exercise. I would stay up all night exercising. I would go days without eating. I weighed 10-20 times per day. Life was terrible. I felt bad physically, mentally, and emotionally, so I blamed it all on the numbers - be it waist size, calories, pounds, whatever. My life was numbers. I tracked every calorie and felt a terrible pressure to purge or burn off anything I ate.

My health deteriorated. I was weakened physically and mentally. My hair started falling out. My fingernails were falling apart. I had to medically withdraw from last semester of college in March.

Over the last three or four months I've come a long way. I eat every meal. I limit my amount of exercise. I choose healthy options and do my best at avoiding binges. I'm "recovering."

Physically, I feel better, my skin looks better, my hair feels better, and my nails are no longer splitting. Mentally, it's still very much a struggle, but I did go a few weeks without weighing in. That was probably the first time in five years I didn't obsessively weigh myself each morning. I now have more time to live my life. YES, my weight is 15lbs higher than it was in March. NO, I'm NOT happy about that. I am learning to love and respect my body more, though.

Transition-wise, I can safely say that I sabotaged my first year of HRT. The changes I've seen in my body's shape and feel over the last three months have been amazing. All of the exercising kept my "boy muscles" big. The extreme dieting kept my "girl fat" from accumulating.

I'm not writing this post to brag or pretend like my life is roses. Every meal still hurts me in ways I'm sure you all can understand. I just wanted to let you all know that I'm on my way toward a healthy life and that if there's any way I can help you all out I'm here! Or, if nothing else, my story can hopefully serve as a "it gets better" or "it can be done" or "not alone" or whatever story...? I've been pretty much every eating-related label (from obese to anorexic). Yeah. Dunno. Thought I'd share =)

Love,

Alison

[Guest AlyTheGreatAngel]

Thank you for sharing I understand u very well my life is alll numbers:(

[Guest Miss_Construe]

Alison,

In what way would that be bragging. Every day is still hell for you and you deserve sympathy, empathy and support from every direction. This is a life long struggle so please don't beat yourself up for not 'getting over' this gigantic hurdle. There will be good days and bad days. Right now you are doing amazingly and I am so proud of you, if I am allowed to be. I have a friend struggling with anorexia as well. She relapsed hard because she had a bad day, which led to another, and another ... . She beat herself up for each bad day instead of looking back and saying "wow, I went 6 months with good habits before I stumbled."

Anyway, you may not need to hear this, but maybe someone else will read it and know that I am pulling for both you and them.

***HUGS***

April

[Guest Julie T]

Aly

Your topic is simply amazing and I can see where your addictive behavior almost destroyed you, and certainly postponed your transitioning. Why do we gender dysphoric have so many compound problems and conditions? I certainly don't have any answers on why. Perhaps we compensate for our gender dysphoria by adopting some other more radical behaviors, like in this case, and although it was not drugs or alcohol, it was still so very self destructive.

Maybe there is a lesson here beyond the warning to not obsess over body weight and fitness. Maybe we all need to look toward moderation in all things?

Aly, as one of many here that wants everyone to be happy in their body, whatever form it takes, even if the best answer is to transition? Thank you for sharing.

Julie