Am I Sane?

[Guest Nostros]

Okay... Now I need your oppinion on if I'm a real transsexual, or am I just crazy.

I feel like I've been inlove with this girl for 5 years now (were not together now, were together for just 6 months, and after that I was just trying to "getting back" with her but never could) So the deal is that I were into female things before that I met her aswell, and I did sort of feel different, and plucked my eyebrows really thin, my hair was mid-long... but I Was a guy. Soo I met this amazing, intelligent, wonderfully beutiful, breathtaking girl (sorry I cant write/think about her without complimenting her cuz it touches my feelings just thinking about her) So anyway she was my first FRIEND and aswell my first love. I was very alone before I've met her, and when I fell in love with her, she just ment literally everything to me, she ment my "mom" my "sister" my "lover" even "myself".. . But when I was with her on dates I did feel sad, and she would ask me whats the matter... and I just felt "ugly" compared to her, and felt as if I would want to be a girl like her, so that I could "give back" to her as much love as she gives me, and live to my fullest and be happy together with her. So this was probably when I first was revieled my gender - I loved her as a girl, not as a guy, and felt that way with her... But after some months of dating she left me, because of maybe that I felt sad when with her (cuz I wasnt like her) and that she had problems of her own and didnt want mine...

I was very hurt by that... She really did mean everything to me, and was my idol and mentor... So after she left me it was a turning point and I decide to reach my dream - to be like her, a girl. For those 5 years I still thought of her each and every day and every hour, because my heart felt empty without her, so I filled it with clothes that She would wear, decorated my room like she would have... Found friends that She would be friends with... Even I think just from holding her image in my heart my face adjusted more to hers that even on facebook when I add new pictures of myself, the facebook face detection system recognizes my face as HERS.... And whenever I see a picture of her, I feel really hurt in the heart, so and to put that pain to ease I go put on some girl clothes or decide on getting a new haircut or Anything thats true to myself...

Okay so I'm confused here too by my feelings, and maybe can't really think straight when it comes to this, so thats why I need Your oppinion. To basically put it I wished I was a girl even before I met her, but maybe after I met her - she just became the idol of what kind of girl I would like to be myself? Or something? Or maybe it's that I want to be a girl and to be like her just because I that I love her and feel a really huge need to be with her, but can't, and in this way by making myself more like her, - I fill the need and can live without her? Or I dunno ( maybe it's all of those things! But I just want to know if it's okay and that you support me....

[Guest Riana]

It can be confusing but you're right, it can be all of those things. That doesn't make each one any less valid or real. I often asked myself similar questions. Would I still want to be a girl if I had never seen a girl before? Does that make my feelings nothing more than envy? Do I want it to escape from myself, to be someone else so I don't have to deal with my problems? I think in a way for me it's all of that too. And still there is more somehow...

[JJ]

While it seems to me that perhaps your feeling for this woman maybe is a little obsessive and a gender therapist would be best to determine how healthy that is that "wannabe" feeling can be so strong-so overpowering-that it can be very hard to distinguish from love. And I think perhaps this is something unique to us. At least to this extent. I have felt it and I have heard it described here numerous times.

This drive to be what our brains dictate is just so overwhelming that I suspect it causes us to actually sometimes live vicariously through others who are our true gender. It seems that it even plays a part in our marriages sometimes. I know U thought I was attracted to me all my life and yet something was always missing. Something was never quite right when it got to a personal one on one relationship. I tried hard to deny and fool myself but deep down there was that "Is this all there is" feeling. As I have worked through more and more of my trans issues I am coming to recognize that the men I find attractive are really the men I want to be. At the heart of it there is not real sexual attraction. Just this intense desire to be them. To live as them too I suppose.

So no you aren't crazy -but the degree that you live through this girl's image may not necessarily be healthy either. This is also a situation where a therapist really needs to be familiar with gender iddues because otherwise i suspect it would seem far less normal

Our lives are mixed up at best. And I know that trying to become this woman you love will not make you happy. you have to become yourself. The unique person you are. Otherwise you just swap one false existence for another.

Hugs

Johnny

[Guest Julie T]

Nostros

Hi sweetheart

You seem really tied up in knots over your feelings? Have you considered this? You may have always been female brained, but you knew after a few years that you had a boy body and it just seemed wrong to you, or at the best, just weird? Maybe at first, especially when you were younger, you weren't sure what girls were. You may have then started noticing and feeling you were more like them than the boys your general age. So then you decide, maybe, that you would have been happier just being born a girl?

Later you find you love what girls and women are. Maybe you don't particularly identify with what males are, because you can't really think like them, because you have a female mindset.

There is no reason to not have girls as your ideal, and maybe you love them because they think like you. Is there anything wrong with that?

Julie

[Guest Nostros]

Nostros

Hi sweetheart

You seem really tied up in knots over your feelings? Have you considered this? You may have always been female brained, but you knew after a few years that you had a boy body and it just seemed wrong to you, or at the best, just weird? Maybe at first, especially when you were younger, you weren't sure what girls were. You may have then started noticing and feeling you were more like them than the boys your general age. So then you decide, maybe, that you would have been happier just being born a girl?

Later you find you love what girls and women are. Maybe you don't particularly identify with what males are, because you can't really think like them, because you have a female mindset.

There is no reason to not have girls as your ideal, and maybe you love them because they think like you. Is there anything wrong with that?

Julie

I'm not sure If I thought that I was different from a young age, but when I think back, my mindset was of a girls when I was little, but it may have gotten traumatized after going to school, because guys thought that I'm weird, and I was closed-off to them and didn't really speak to anyone at all, and they beat me like every day, so I HAD to build muscles and be even tougher than all of those guys, so that I could protect myself - and this started from my second or third grade, so yeah, I didn't have any friends and was a very closed-off person... Until I met HER, and she just changed everything, and made me open-up to myself again...