Angela Here

[Guest Angela Fox]

Hi -

I'm 31. I'm a tall(6'3"), lanky sort which for a long time made me think it was unreasonable to even think of transitioning. I've always wondered about it, and thought about it, but being raised (very, conservative) christian led me to think of those feelings as wrong. Not to mention, like my father and grandfather and so on, bottling my feelings, disavowing them, both comes naturally, and was encouraged. I played dress-up as a kid, and always role played as princess leia when the opportunity presented itself, but always felt guilty about the former, and grew out of the latter.

So the feelings stayed hidden, save for a brief moment in college where I very nearly bought a cargo maxi skirt to wear on campus, but chickened out.

In the midst of my divorce a few years back, my then-wife's friends were visiting for halloween. I'd never been much for halloween, so I was going to make up my costume at the last minute. Her (british) friend's husband suggested that I just borrow one of my wife's skirts and go as a woman. I had to try really hard not to squeal at the thought. I wound up going as "barbie" in a pink corset and a giant poofy ballroom skirt, and it was amazing. I even passed, in the dark. But the divorce continued happening, and I didn't have a chance to deal with it.

In the last year, though, I got to go to a 'tranarchy' event (twice) and to Burning Flipside, where I was able to crossdress in a much more supportive environment, and (at flipside) just do/wear the feminine things I've always wanted to experiment with. Since then, I've been trying to unpack all the stuff I've been thinking and feeling. At the outset, I told myself I was just bored with the repetition of male fashion (shirt and slacks ad infinitum). I began wondering if I had just always wanted to crossdress (I'm way too introverted to be a drag queen). Gradually the old feelings started finding their way out, and mixing with my constant hatred of hegemonic masculinity (Sports! Guns! Cheap Beer! Neverever appear gay or effeminate!). I wrote a big stream-of-consciousness brain dump at new years, and showed it to my girlfriend(who has been super supportive to date). Since then, I've made my own jean skirt, which I wear basically every weekend. It's readily confusable for a kilt, which makes it more genderqueer than crossdress, which is kind of where I am at this point.

About 2 months ago, I started talking to my girlfriend about feeling that I'm trans, and that I want to transition. It came at a time where I'd run out of nail polish remover, and had some extra-stubborn polish on my toenails, that she was afraid her parents would see while we were visiting them, so it went rather badly (which kind of shocked me, since she'd been so supportive of crossdressing). Time and open dialogue fix many things, though, and she's been on board with it lately (occassionally calling me "angela", even - she'd seen it on some of my video game characters).

I met with a mutual friend who's trans, ostensibly to get therapist recommendations, and to sound things out, see where she was, how she got there. It's been a month since then, though, and I haven't yet set up an appointment with a therapist. Partly, it's a money thing - it's hard to find a trans* friendly therapist that's in-network. I know there are sliding scales, but I'm well enough off that I shouldn't need it.

When I think about how I want to be, it gets a little muddy. I think I'll always be genderqueer in one sense or another. I have a lot of traditionally 'guy' interests (metal, gaming, tattoos, etc), so fully transitioned, I'd be quite the tomboy. Still, that fits better than where I've always been (guy with random effeminate qualities/interests), or where I am now (sometimes androgynous, mostly just genderbending). I don't want to play at being a woman (genderfakery, as one friend put it ) - I can't stomach wearing false breasts, which is limiting as far as my fashion (on top). I didn't really understand how impressive HRT was until recently, and it's incredibly attractive to me, although it scares my girlfriend a lot (birth control has really messed with her emotions in the past). So while seeing a therapist is probably next on my transition to-do list, it's a bit fraught, if I dive right into HRT when there are so many other things I also need to be working on that also cost money (hair growth, clothing, waxing/lasering).

Sorry for the long brain-dump. I either write nothing in 'about me' posts, or I don't edit what I do write.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hi -

When I think about how I want to be, it gets a little muddy. I think I'll always be genderqueer in one sense or another. I have a lot of traditionally 'guy' interests (metal, gaming, tattoos, etc), so fully transitioned, I'd be quite the tomboy. Still, that fits better than where I've always been (guy with random effeminate qualities/interests), or where I am now (sometimes androgynous, mostly just genderbending). I don't want to play at being a woman

Hello, Angela!

Welcome to the Playground

I'm Donna Jean

Hey, don't worry about what your interests are....many things cross the gender lines....why, I'm into firearms, Harleys, guitars and other such "male" things....don't let our interests define our gender identity....ok?

Now, grab a chair and I'll fix you up with a hot cup of coco and a plate of cookies...then you can kick off your shoes and relax.....

Now, I'd like to ask you to be sure to have a look at the forum rules...there's a link at the top of most pages...It says “Terms & Conditions..

And, we moderate this site to keep it safe for everyone..

Itis nice to have you with with us!

Donna Jean

[MaryEllen]

Hello Angela,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

MaryEllen

[Guest Julie T]

Angela

Hi hon, you are telling a story that so many of us have experienced. Like Dee Jay says don't worry about what interests you in life as defining you. I think you will find that you are what you are?

And I am almost 6'2" and weighed 178 when I was your age, and that height convinced me I could never transition, as I was too tall. I want to let you know that is untrue? Recently, I had been living part time as a woman for two years, as I was out everywhere but at work. And now I live full time, and have done so for over a year and a quarter. I am always seen and treated as I am, a woman. So do not let your height hold you back, there are many natal tall women in the world, and you will be fine, should you chose to transition. And I am twice your age plus a bit, and I weigh 205? But I am just that woman in line in front of you at the grocery store.

The magic of HRT? It is a miracle, in my opinion. It allowed me to transition as I have been on HRT for 31 months. I am now physically what I am mentally, even if there is still the question of SRS.

But you must find that gender trained therapist, honey, you just have to. Its the starting point to everything and she/he won't let you go where you are not supposed to go? Also, the therapist will work you through all the difficulties if you are diagnosed transsexual and chose to transition.

It is not easy being what we are. You need to stay with us, please?

Julie

[Guest Angela Fox]

Angela

And I am almost 6'2" and weighed 178 when I was your age, and that height convinced me I could never transition, as I was too tall. I want to let you know that is untrue? Recently, I had been living part time as a woman for two years, as I was out everywhere but at work. And now I live full time, and have done so for over a year and a quarter. I am always seen and treated as I am, a woman. So do not let your height hold you back, there are many natal tall women in the world, and you will be fine, should you chose to transition. And I am twice your age plus a bit, and I weigh 205? But I am just that woman in line in front of you at the grocery store.

Julie

yeah, I've come to realize that a lot of the pressure I feel to conform is internal. My sister is 6', there's no reason I should feel like those 3 inches are a reason I can't transition.

[Guest Julie T]

Angela

Hi sweetheart, you sister is 6" tall? See what I mean, Believe it or not, here in Louisiana with all these shorter French ancestry girls, I have encountered 20 to 30 women taller than I am, just in this year. Also a lot of African American women are taller here. It's nice to fit in, even if I do get a few looks. Many women have come up to me and said they wish they were tall like me, and they were absolutely identifying me as a sister and a woman. Sally, my t-woman roommate is 6'4" and never seems to be anything but accepted everywhere. People ask if we are sisters.

I left you a note on your profile.

Julie

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Angel,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna